Glittersingold

Dear all,

I have a huge problem and feel that I have no other option for now than to share it with you. Maybe I'll get some good advice this way.

I'm a young woman, under 30, and got married just last year with the "man of my dreams". We have been together over six years, and we have a big problem. Our sex life is almost non-existent. This problem has followed us already for years and I was probably naive when I thought it would get better. After all, we're both so young. But the problem continues and now I'm feeling trapped and so unhappy about the fact that I didn't have the courage to put the wedding plans on hold so that we could try to solve our problems. Now I'm young, married, in a sexless marriage, and I promised in front of 100 people to be faithful to my husband til the day we die.

The problem is both me and him. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. It all started years ago when he had big problems with his hobby, computers. He would spend all nights on the computer, not doing anything else and unwilling to do stuff with me. We have argued about this subject for years and even though he has somewhat changed his computer habits, I still feel that he's hooked to using it. He uses it to everything and it's his haven. If he has nothing to do, he goes there, instead of, for instance, asking me to do something with him.

He's also quite childish, and I often feel that I can't talk to him seriously. He often jokes around, but at the same time I can't see him as an adult which I would desperately need as my husband. I also feel that we are on different levels in our thoughts and emotions. I have a need for a deeper connection, but he appreciates more superficial things.

This lead to me losing more and more interest to him over the years, because I felt he takes me for granted (a thing which he has confessed many times and apologized for with tears in his eyes). He always says he has learned his lesson and knows what he did wrong, but everything always stays the same, nothing really changes.

Then somehow, in the course of everything, I slowly lost my sexual interest towards him. This may sound very superficial, but he has also put on some weight and while I'm trying very hard to maintain my figure, he's not at all interested in himself. He used to be in very good shape when we started dating, but now all I see is his puffy face and tired eyes because he sits so long at the computer. Overall, he's not looking that fit and it's not just about the looks, it's the fact that he spends too much time on the internet.

Now that my husband has cut down his internet use at least a bit, I can't say I have retrieved my interest in him. I just don't feel like having sex with him anymore. I don't even want to try any new things related to sex because he simply doesn't turn me on. He always says that he would be ready in a second, but I feel like it's not my job to tell him "honey, I want to have sex now.". I feel it's something that should, at least partially, come from us being together and spending time together, cuddling and stuff.

Now it sounds as if he's a monster which he isn't. He's the nicest guy, always friendly and knows how to take me into consideration if he wants to. He would also make the perfect father one day. I love him, no doubt, but I have lost my passion for him and don't know how to get it back. The thing is that I still have the passion and the sex drive, it's just not directed towards my husband. I'm feeling really depressed about this because we are both so young, and I feel like I let myself down by marrying him in the situation I did. I don't want to live in a sexless marriage. Already now I'm dreaming sexual dreams of other men and don't know what to do. After all, it has been years since we had a decent sex life. We are still having sex every now and then, but sometimes it might be a month in between, and I haven't enjoyed sex with my husband for a long time. I just do it in order not to let him down.

Please, if you have any comments, I'm glad to receive them. Maybe someone from the outside can help us, as I am so worn out at the moment and can't see the light. I know marriage is all about ups and downs, but our problem is that we got married when we probably shouldn't have, and I thought that it would all just magically disappear some day. Well it didn't.

Ps. We have been thinking of getting marriage counseling, but I feel so embarrassed to seek help after one year.

In_The_Wind

I agree this is a big area nowadays especially since young people have grown up not knowing a world with out the internet, I agree that MC would be great also maybe IC for him he sounds like he has a computer addiction of some kind, it sounds like he is going to have to bring back some intimacy into yalls relationship and yes you cant do it all alone I would be willing to bet if he got with the program he could turn this around

Mavash.

I'm in the camp of what you see is what you get. He is unlikely to change. If I were you I'd cut my losses, own up to your mistake and get out. You are way too young to live like this.

mary_jane

I want to hear the advice on this topic also. I'm kind of in the same boat and this is very frustrating.

missymrs80

I see engaged couples all the time....and newlyweds. Now is the time to work on it, not after years of bitterness and resentment have built up. We unconsciously seek traits in our partners that are complimentary (almost opposite) to our own. If you married a deep thinker (which you wouldn't have bc your a deep thinker) there would be no tension to bring about change and growth. People often ignore or push away that opportunity for mutual growth for many reasons.....but I want to be clear that every marriage has this. So you either grow and change or get out and sadly find yourself in the same predicament with a new man. Divorce rates in second marriages are high....a new person isn't the cure. You have work to do....this is the marriage takes work thing you have probably heard from others a million times.

Cosmos

It's not unusual for lack of intimacy to result in little or no desire for sex, but if the marriage is worth saving restoring it is essential.

I wouldn't be embarrassed seeking MC. If more people did it earlier in relationships, perhaps more marriages could be saved.

I sought counseling for a similar problem when I was married. My ex-H wasn't neglecting me with the internet (there wasn't any back then) or anything else, but there was simply no sex. He didn't even attempt to make love to me on our wedding night! In our case counseling didn't help because it turned out he was asexual, but at least I was then in a position to make a decision based on that information.

__________________

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

C123

I think your only option at this point is MC. Look how depressed you are about this. It's going to cause you to continue to resent him more and more. You'll feel less attracted to him the more you resent him and then you're going to have an affair with the first guy who comes along that you think offers what you so desire. I feel confident of this because you imply it in your post.

Yes, it's true you probably should not have married him, but that's in the past and you can't change it. What you can do it either A) recognize your mistake and spare both of you major problems by leaving now, or B) get professional help for the both of you so that you can each learn how to give the other what they need in this relationship. He needs to know what you expect and you need to know what he expects. Otherwise, you are going to be on two separate pages of the same book forever, and on your page, there's eventually going to be another man.

Good luck.

LoydAviles

I agree that MC would be great also maybe IC for him he sounds like he has a computer addiction of some kind

Glittersingold

Thank you so much for your replies so far, I am very grateful for your help!

I realized when I read my post that it might seem that I am not or would not be willing to work things out, which is not the case. I did marry my husband because I love him and want to be with him and I definitely would want this to work out. It's just that the problem has been there for so long now. But as many of you wrote, my husband probably won't change if we do not seek any help.

Thanks so much and please, keep replying if you have anything on your mind. I am so happy to receive and read your comments, it helps out a lot. I have felt for so long that there is no way out of this, but I start to think that we probably need some serious MC. I have spoken with my husband about IC for him (I am already attending IC), but he didn't seem so enthusiastic about it. The problem is that he thinks he doesn't have a problem.

7737

One wonders why you married him in the first place..??

However, whats done is done. Looking forwards, I back all the posters who suggest MC....for the moment, please don't even think about having children or buying a house together/starting a business together.

If MC doesnt work and you decide to get out, its so much easier without children, mortgages etc.

Everyone on here, both man and woman will tell you that unless you sort this NOW it will only get worse and so much more 'complicated' to deal with in the future.

I wish I had 'acted' years ago.

needyForHelp

Well A friend of mine had the same issue, she was facing exactly what you are facing, so after a few months of marriage she came out of it and divorced him, and now she is married to someone else and is living a very nice, happy healthy life. ..... So I think you should bring him into talking and then see, if it doesn't work then divorce him and be with some one who cares about the relationship.

Cosmos

OP, if he's not even prepared to acknowledge that there is a problem, then this is going to be almost impossible to solve.

I battled for 6 years with this sort of thing, and at the end of it thought I was going nuts. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but, IMO, it is pretty important as it is the cement that holds it together. You might find this link interesting:-

Can a relationship survive without intimacy?

__________________

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

keeper63

You need to convince him to go to MC with you, otherwise it seems very unlikely that he will change.

My wife and I went through MC/ST starting about a year ago. It helped us a lot. She was resistant to the idea at first. I told her that our marriage wasn't where it needed to be. The analogy I used was something like if I had chest pains, I would go seek medical attention, and right now, I think our marriage is having "chest pains".

According to our therapist, the common thread (which you mention above) in a lot of marriages is that one partner thinks there are problems, and the other partner doesn't think there are problems, that as long as their needs are being met that everything is fine, and they assume the relationship is OK.

They think and feel this way even when the other partner says it isn't OK. Then they begin to think there is something wrong with their partner, not something wrong with the relationship.

If he is convinced there is nothing wrong with the relationship, and he won't do MC with you, then I would consider moving on with your life, you are too young to have to put up with decades of this in your future.