steve mck

Hi, here's the sitch:

ME: 42 year old male, high sex drive, currently studying plus raising kids plus working part time.

WIFE: 42, much lower sex drive, lovely, working full time, likes her job.

US: committed, love our family, generally happy in each other's company, but fight a lot about sex.

SEX: supposedly about twice a week but in reality about 2-3 times a month because there are always exceptions. Variable quality when it does happen.

FIGHTS: Torture.

The other night, after years of this and many failed solutions, I raised the serious possibility that we simply stop having sex.

She agreed to try this.

We aren't talking about some short term thing, to stoke the fire back up so we can have better sex. We have tried that before. This could go on for quite a long time. Maybe if it works we will stay this way.

It's weird because I love sex and so does she, but it causes so many problems. I simply cannot stand the difference in desire any more, its too painful. I think I would actually rather have no sex, that a small amount of quite good sex that is about a fifth of what I actually want, and just makes me cry with frustration.

For me, this is potentially a decision about self control and self respect and not always wanting something I cannot have. Hopefully it will also be liberating and lead to me putting more energy into other things.

Has anyone else tried this? Did it work and did the fighting stop? Did anything else work better? Did it cause problems?

BTW - please don't be telling me that I need to adjust my attitudes and expectations and libido here. I have tried and tried and I can't, and it does not seem right that I should be expected to do that, anyway. For the sake of my self respect I have decided that it is perfectly normal to have a high sex drive, and it just happens to be incompatible with that of the woman I married. And I am tired of having to constantly manage myself around her libido, it is doing my head in.

Any thoughts? Bear in mind that this only came up the other night. I have suggested it a few times before and we have not decided to try it. But the other night was so bad we figure we might as well try it because we are really hating those fights.

Gaia

What has she done to try to appease you? I'm seeing that you have been trying to work around her... but nothing about her trying to make a compromise.... have you two seen a sex therapist?
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Entropy3000

Good luck.

Since you will have more time on your hands you may want to make sure both of you are not having sex with anyone else. Just sayin.

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Take My Breath Away

steve mck

Compromise is a tricky issue. A lot of the fights are about it.

I want sex that is about both of us, and leaves her satisfied as well as me. I could tolerate a certain amount of sex which was just for my benefit but after that, I want it to be mutual. I want her to be horny for me.

And she says she just doesn't get that horny.

Sometimes I feel like she could if she tried. But she refuses to do that. And I am tired of trying to figure out solutions where I manage my own desire.

She has compromised in some ways (tried things, wore sexy clothes, done things I asked) but in terms of actually deciding to devote more energy to sex, she either won't, or simply can't.

steve mck

Noted. We have already talked about this. I think we are both strong enough. Certainly if it got that tempting we would talk about it before anything happened.

Wazza

Sometimes affairs are planned, sometimes they start spur of the moment. You are playing with fire imo.

Toffer

Steve,

So basically, you've come all the way down to meet her needs (or lack there of) and she's done nothing. She now has everything she wants, a home, a father for her children and a pal to hang out with.

You and your wife need professional help pronto! If she won't go, tell her that you need to talk about dissolving the marriage fairly and moving on with your lives.

Simply sentencing yourself to the life of a monk is not an answer. You're too young to do this to yourself

Runs like Dog

Well at least you're discussing it. In my case I was handed a law from on-high. No, not, never!

In many ways it's liberating because with the death of hope there's nothing to worry about, nothing to wonder how this or that might lead to something, no doubts. And since I'm not worried anymore she might try to withhold sex and use it as a weapon, I am free to say whatever I live.

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Hicks

It's a dumb move, you've screwed up badly.

Women are not sexually attracted to men like you.

You allowed her to create a living arrangement where you provide many things and she provides nothing. That is not a marriage. That is a woman walking all over you.

Your exact actoins and reactions are what cause her to have this low libido.

jaquen

I'd be more concerned that my wife doesn't really give two craps about my sexaul needs whatsoever.

All your wife has done is break you down so low that you're finally willing to give her what she's wanted all along; a sexless marriage. The moment you proposed a totally sexless marriage, and she actually agreed, knowing full well that you have high needs, is the moment you should have realized that she won this war, and you became the sucker who not only fell for her trap, but helped her actually set it up.

This isn't compromise, and it won't lead to any long term peace. What is it is a prime road toward quiet resentment, possible affairs, and likely divorce.

thunderstruck

My sitch it somewhat similar, and I tried the no s*x thing. We're mid-40's...I'm HD and my wife is zero drive. We did the argue thing for years, and that only made things worse. In the past, when you guys took "breaks" did you walk around pouting like a little bish? Maybe mix in some passive aggressive crap as well? I did, and that didn't help my case.

If you go forward with the no s*x thing, do this. Be happy/confident around her, even if you have to fake it at times. Hit the gym, pick up some new hobbies, etc. How is your s*x rank? Work on that. Do these things, and in a month or so, your W may be left wondering what's going on in your head. She may also discover that yes, you can survive and be happy without getting that magic VJ from her. Right now, she knows she owns your azz in this area of the marriage. You need to nuke that way of thinking...hers and yours.

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Runs like Dog

It's not about 'owning' someone. It's about I don't care. If she went out to the store today and never came back it would be inconvenient working through all the paper work for several months but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I could finally start throwing out some of this clutter.

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wiigirl

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Cre8ify

Sorry but your plan is a disaster waiting to unfold in full technicolor, crash and burn glory. None of these needs or feelings go away, they are just not satisfied. You will be bitter and resentful and make no mistake, you are building a wall between you. That bitterness will keep you from being as supportive of her as she has come to expect and the downward spiral to crash and burn.

Also, your wife is not asexual, she is just not sexually attracted TO YOU. Read that again if it pisses you off. Sometimes the most profound growth in life comes in places we dared not look until we needed to.

I speak from experience here. I went through 6 months of complete abstinence. I think my wife barely noticed. The only thing it truly accomplished was it diminished the currency value of her V to nothing. That was good. I don't beg, I don't grovel. I don't need her V and that is worth knowing.

If you want to stop approaching her and take a hiatus that is not a bad strategy...BUT...read the MMSL, run the MAP, learn to be a sexually attractive man, refine your alpha/beta attributes, establish new habits and hobbies, stay busy and live with energy and vitality, hang with your posse of guys, get ripped at the gym...and don't discuss it with her, keep a sense of mystery.

Once you accept the sexless marriage, she has taken your dreams away. She does not have that right. Be willing to put it all on the table. Be willing to risk it all. Then you will gain a willing partner and it can turn.

Cosmos

IMO, it's a bad idea. Sex is what holds a relationship together, and once gone other things will go, too.

I would consider MC and/or a sex therapist. 2-3 times a month? No wonder you're not happy, OP.

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