LoveYourself

Hey all

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years, I'm 26 and he's 31.

I'l try not to rabbit on, but when I met him I let him know straight up that I'm naturally polygamous and I'm more of a pan sexual, queer type (be gentle I don't expect anyone to get it), anyway have tried fitting the mould hasn't worked and needless to say I'm very sexual. We agreed to more or less to have a monogamous relationship with the occasional play of women. We instantly connected and have been very emotionally content ever since, we fell into each others lives just when we needed each other most. We are pretty supportive of each other always laughing loving each others company, seldom argue....

aside when it comes to sex.....Don't get me wrong when we actually have it , amazing. But in the space of three years, I can count how many times we have had actual intercourse on one hand. Call me dramatic , but this breaks my heart.

I really like a guy to be in charge in the bedroom and the feeling is mutual with him. Unfortunately he is often in too much of a rant mood to get jiggy, he's always too warm , too peeved , too may tea cups about, bed annoys him by siding about to much. He's actually grouped me whilst complaining about something and was surprised to find I wasn't in the mood after he downloaded some distaste of life in general.He also complains about his weight making him feel under confident and like crap energy wise and I keep assuring him that I find him very attractive which I do. To me good sex and an adequate amount of sexual tension comes from playfulness or the opposite of up tightness. I love him very much but it's affecting both our confidences.

It's a long shot folks but I'm wondering how to solve this one

If this is about his confidence which I suspect that is a part of it, how long do I have to wait until he feels better?

Thank you for reading and any constructive advice you may, hell I'l even settle for a good heart to heart with someone in a similar situation as I wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing these details with someone in RL.

P.S yes he finds me attractive, no he's not cheating and I don't mind that he watches porn, he hates counsellors/doctors

hotdogs

Something tells me that your polyamory is getting to him more than even he realizes. Not everyone is cut out for the gig.

LoveYourself

Maybe, I will ask him if me being naturally polygamous is what's bothering him. Thank you

But the thing is, we are in a monogamous relationship, the only thing I've did outside the relationship is kiss 1 girl and it was with his consent and knowledge. I've never expressed being attracted to anyone else, if anything he knows and follows more porn stars than I do.

boredandconfused

Be careful or you'll end up in my situation. Less than 5 times in 3 years wont be good enough for long, and the longer your involved the harder it is to get out.

LoveYourself

It's not even good enough now. I've saw couples who have even started to hate each other. But I'm thinking either way I won't worry, if it works out it works out, if not then so be it. I love him enough to love him more than I need him and for that sake I hope we find a way to enjoy more time together.

Runs like Dog

You have horrible decision making abilities. Why on God's Grey Earth would you ever hook up with someone you know is fundamentally incompatible?

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boredandconfused

That's almost where we are i have begun to hate him. He says he loves me, but for how long. You seem like you are having fun though. Enjoy the journey, just know when to bail. Its hard when you love him, but resent him at the same time.

LoveYourself

Well I'm sorry If I made a terrible mistake by your standards!

Well that depends on what you mean by fundamentally incompatible. For the most part we are extremely compatible that's why I'm so happy in every other area and my decision has mostly served me just fine thank you very much.

It depends what your referring too ,I will say that I wasn't expecting to be shouted at ,although conflicting opinions are fine. So I didn't bother with every little detail. What I mean by uptight, is he is uptight with his general demeanour, certainly not his attitude, as I stated in other sexual attitudes our feelings are mutual. You cannot predict a persons feelings/behaviour.

LoveYourself

You'll get there

WorkingOnMe

You sound really cool. I didn't understand a word you said, but I like you.

*LittleDeer*

You say the porn doesn't bother you? Maybe it should.
How often does he madturbate?
His sexual energy sure isn't going towards you.

When two people focus on each other sexually rather then others, including porn there is usually more creative fun and sexual energy between them.

His focus isn't where it should be.

I wouldn't stay with someone who neglected me like that.
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LoveYourself

Thanks bro

yeah that happens a lot haha


Eh wellll I have my own theories on that , on how to focus your energy and otherwise,but but but I can see where your coming from, wouldn't hurt to give it a whirl either. It's not like he's clicking away every night, again the up tightness comes into play there too. We would both be into porn but not massively.

Porn has helped him to loosen up a bit those few times though, which was why I never was too bothered about it, that and my sex life has been fine with other porn watchers. In case your wondering why I didn't care so much.
I think your right about the focusing energy on each other sexually part, I think because he is up tight he finds it hard to focus it, at all.

Neglect is a strong word, but non the less my needs are important and I realise that.

Thanks

Runs like Dog

Well that's true enough but aren't you just manifesting that age old female "I'll fix him" syndrome? When does that ever work? And none of this, by your own admission was a surprise...so.....where did you think this was heading?

People have a limitless capacity to ignore all the messed up things about people if there's something they like or even just want very badly. Sure she ho's around and smokes crack and spends all the money and disappears for days on end and is a bad mother, but "I love her". "Yeah he's a creep to me and beat me up a few times and gave me he clap he got from a some stripper and he hangs out with his dumbass buddies all the time, but he's really really kind inside....he doesn't mean it"

See the issue that needs some exploration is what you REALLY get out of all this discontinuity? What did the process and the end game look like in your mind when you signed up?

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wiigirl

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LoveYourself

Well firstly I don't want to change him and I am comfortable with the idea of us splitting, not thrilled about it of course but I believe I've never owned him and I don't want to sabotage the good times by clinging to something that doesn't work. I've never actually talked about it to anyone before bar now because the circumstances are bizarre in terms of our sexual nature.

And it's more that he wants to relax and he wants more sex, the issue being he hasn't been all that productive with the soul searching.

I've tried to be careful about the whole not changing him thing including the thing women do in public where they say, ehh haha he actually meant that.

I was pretty surprised you know, pretty shocked actually..who'd thought that over the space of that long someone would be so enveloped in rant mode that it led to that little sex. Most people can turn their minds off and enjoy themselves.

I will get nothing out of this continuity if he does not allow himself to relax that shadow will creep over the rest of our relationship and we will want to kill each other. And so realistically I'm aware it may not work, but as I say it was a long shot and I care enough about him to humour the idea and I'm enjoying it enough in every other area bar the up tightness. I was only 23 when we met I wasn't thinking , now this has to be a lifer , I just wanted to have a fun relationship where we got each other.

Thank you