Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-06-2009, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

Hello there. I'm a newbie and after crying for several hours - I've decided to google for advice and found this lovely place.

I'm 29 (he 30) and mother of two kids - a 3 1/5 year old and an 8 month old. We started off in love and inseparable and had sex on a regular with no problems. We were good friends, chatted etc. and hubby often asked if I was happy and was open about his feelings - often telling me that he loved me.

Slowly, he changed. When our 3 year old was about 8 months, he moved to another room - complaining about her waking up in the middle of the night. When she was one, I suggested that she sleeps in her own room but he refused- and moved in her room instead. I felt hurt and told him as such but he just shrugged it off and carried on. We had sex on occasion. I thought given the circumstances that this was normal.

But things got worse to the point where we have not been intimate for over a year. The last time we've been intimate (on all levels) was when I conceived my baby - and then we were actively trying for a baby - so it was more for reproduction. I haven't got a hug from him for ages and can't remember the last time that we kissed. I just feel a a great distance between us which is turning into him seeming like he dislikes me. I tried talking to him initially, cried my eyes out to him - sent him an email because I reached a point where I can't even bring up the subject with him. I feel trapped. Please advice.. are there solutions.. anyone who was in this situation and saw an improvement? Can you survive in a loveless, sexless marriage? I'm I kidding myself?
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-06-2009, 07:28 PM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

The birth of children is a common tipping point for men to go off sex with their wives.

There are various reasons for this. One is that he may consciously or unconsciously equate you being a mother with his own mother and this shuts down his desire due to the incest taboo being played out in his mind although he may very well not realize it.

Children signal the end to a man's crazy, sexually exciting prime years. If he likes the thrill of the chase and the high stimulation of sex with a new partner, the birth of children may make him feel trapped, closing the chapter on his youth and opening one that's all about responsibility, vanilla sex and middle age. Again this can shut him down sexually.

A man with a fear of intimacy may not realize this fear until he experiences a certain "trigger point" The arrival of a baby very often marks this. This is a very common reason why sexless marriages start out fine then suddenly at some point, months or years into the relationship the sex dwindles and stops. The fear of intimacy that has been triggered causes sexual anxiety and this too will kill a man's libido.

Farther down on the list of causes (but usually #1 in a woman's own mind) is sexual attractiveness. Babies mean weight gain and having kids close together may make it harder to lose weight and return the body to it's original state before pregnancy. Since the primary sexual arousal sense in men is the visual, this may be turning him off.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-06-2009, 11:25 PM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

i think after him moving into another room and refusing to move back would have been the first sign...i know im going through my own issues with my husband but with us its more me not wanting to sleep in the same bed with him because of how he told me he feels. i think the feelings you know he's feeling wil hurt you even morewhen you get the confirmation from him that your suspisions are true...but i personally would tell him you want to see a marriage counselor together and after that if he still refuses or refuses to talk to you. then its done. YOUR HEAD ALWAYS KNOWS BEFORE YOUR HEART DOES.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-08-2009, 04:03 PM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

I just want to say I feel for you. Its so hard. I am only married a short while but I am already facing a lack of intimacy. I think you need to seek counseling. Even if he doesn't want to go with you, go for yourself. You need to take care of yourself now, and ease your pain by talking to someone.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-14-2009, 08:43 AM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

I can say yes there is hope. My wife and I pretty much just lived together for 7 or 8 months till I finally gave up and moved out. A lot of things happen in those months, we would go weeks (read:3 or 4 at a time) without even talking to each other but the final straw was when she started talking to single men on myspace. We hadn't had sex in lord knows how long and grew apart.

Well after months out of the house and both of us starting to date again we finally realized we wanted each other and no one else. I've been home for a little over a month now and things get better each day.

With that said, it took BOTH of us to really really want our marriage to work before anything got better. If he's not willing to work at it then there is no need for you to try because it will never work.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-20-2009, 11:02 PM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

Hi. I am 28 years old, no children, and I've been married for only a short while. I am also new to this website. I was just sitting here crying my eyes out because my husband won't even acknowledge me. I have often (especially here lately) showed an interest in wanting to get intimate, and my husband has no desire to do so. It also hurts my feelings and I sometimes feel unattractive or undesirable. It was not always this way. I don't know what to do either, but it is not getting better. It's just getting worse. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm also looking for an answer on why he is like this. Good luck and I wish you the best.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-21-2009, 04:16 AM
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Re: Can a loveless, sexless marriage be fixed?

It's not your fault.
Have you seen my thread here?: The difference between men and women who go off sex.

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