Sexless marriage & lack of intimacy - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-24-2012, 03:36 AM Thread Starter
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Sexless marriage & lack of intimacy

Basic info

me- 47 y/o, this is my second marriage, have 2 adult children (20 & 18 y/o), one son has Aspergers.

Him-45 y/o, first marriage (we have been married now for 23 yrs)

Problem: His lack of drive, desire,communication, no intimacy.
I have what I would call a normal sex drive, he appears to only want sex about every 4 months. If I did not initiate sex, it would only occur about every 4 months. He has no clue on how to come on to a women, or at least thats how I feel. I have episodes of depression & anxiety disorder now because I feel so alone. I don't want to be unfaithful but I feel it will happen if something doesnt change in this part of our life. I've only been in 2 other sexual relationships in my life. One was my high school sweetheart, the other my first husband. Neither one of them ever had complaints and seemed to enjoy being with me , and I with them. My first marriage ended due to his drug use and abuse. Before that, we were happy in and out of bed.

I have been in and out of therapy for most of this marriage due to anxiety & depression and trying to figure out why he is this way. I did not get married to be celibate. I married to have someone share life with me. Futhermore, I was never bothered with depression or anxiety before this marriage. I fear my anxiety stems from being in the state of mind of "should I stay or should i just divorce him". Our problems started within the first 3 months of marriage. My first complaint was of him never wanting to have sex, or if we did it was when he felt like it.

I've approached him hundreds of times with these issues and he just lives in denial. He has more excuses than you could imagine for why we don't have sex. When the kids were young , it was because they might here us. If we had any type of disagreement in our marriage and I brought it up or talked about it, then we didn't have sex for weeks because of that conversation or disagreement. He's too tired, worked to hard, etc. I've heard it all. When we go to marraige counseling, it seems they just focus on my anxiety issues and that I should go out and buy tons of new nighties ,etc. I'm hear to tell you, my anxiety has not hurt my sex drive and I have 3 drawers of nighties and he still has no sex drive. My husband would rather get lost in a book or the tv then to have sex. Trust me I know this from being rejected over his reading. On top of all this, he doesn't ever show much affection either. I get your standard kiss hi & bye as he goes to work or comes home. I can remember once him laying on the couch reading and I went to lay on him and try to snuggle with him and he blew me off. I was a bother to him. I can't even begin to describe what that made me feel like inside. Did I know this was going to be a pattern for the rest of my life with him?? NO.

I honestly feel that he thinks sex is a chore or something. I myself have no sexual hangups and am willing to try new things to spice up our life. I started counseling again for my anxiety problems and talked about my marriage. My counselor asked that I bring him into session. During this session he frankly stated that "sex just was not that important to him as it was to me". She asked him a few questions on his view of marriage and he stated "well, everybody in my family is in it for the long haul". Never once using the term love which is very upsetting to me. However, he does tell me he loves me he's walking out the door for work.

I am to my breaking point!! I just can't go on this way. I feel like I've been in a sexless marraige most of my life. I believe marraige is suppose to be forever but if forever means feeling alone & dead inside then maybe I just need to divorce and stay single. I started out yrs ago feeling like I must be too ugly for him , yet I know I'm an average decent person. Then I started getting angry & hurt inside my heart and its just getting worse as the days & yrs pass by. When he was young and in his 20's it took me 5 yrs of nagging for him to have his hormone levels checked. He finally did and it came back with borderline levels. The doctor did not offer him any shots or pills to take even though he has the classic symptoms of a man with low T levels. Everytime I see the commercial on tv, i just want to throw up and punch my husband in the face. He could be the poster child for the drug co! If it was borderline in his 20's , I can only imagine what it is now in his 40's.

Throughout all of this , I have been faithful. Trust me, its been a struggle too. There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder why I am faithful. If he doesn't care enough about our marriage and he doesn't see how sad it makes me, then why should I care either?? I've asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no. I've asked him if he wants to have an open marriage, he says no. Its really not what I want either but I'm trying anything to save my marriage. So am I suppose to just go on this way because he is happy?? These are the questions that weigh upon my heart everyday. I often wanted to know "why" he is this way but now I just want it to change or our marriage just to end so I can feel happy. I feel like I'm living with someone off the street that you would call your roommate, but even my roommate would talk to me more. I came from a broken home and I've already been divorced once before, this is not the outcome I expected in my second marriage. I can't say in words how much these issues are just ripping me apart inside. I just want a typical marriage and to be happy. But it seems with him, I am asking too much of him.

What really angers me the most is that if it is his hormone levels, then there is such a simple solution. And he could of saved us many discussions and arguements about this topic. I mean if it was me, I would be at the doctors the next day. He also has erectile dysfunction which I believe could be due to the lack of hormones. I was the most understanding wife a person could be with this issue. I've tried to be supportive and understanding but I'm running out of patience. Honestly, I had more sex in my first marriage and we were only together for 6 yrs and this one has lasted 23 yrs.

I'm tired of feeling unloved, unwanted, undesirable,etc. My kids are all grown but still live at home while going to college. I feel like my husband & I are at a time in our lives where we can now enjoy ourselves and not worry about the kids anymore. They have their lives and we have ours. We should be having the time of our lives right now but we are not. The counselor that I have now is telling me I just have to make a decision. Either accept that he is this way and is not going to try and fix the matter and live with it or get divorced and move on with my own life. I just can't believe that is what it all has come down too! I can't believe a man would let his ego ruin his marriage. I told my husband tonight that if he didn't go get his hormone levels checked out....I was going to leave him. The thought of being alone again after 23 yrs honestly scares the hell out of me! I guess it won't be much different than what I have now though if you think about it.

I would just like to stress to anyone who reads this letter, if you have this issue in your marraige, deal with it head on. Don't wait for resentment to build, things to be said that can't be taken back, yrs to progress to where you don't even look at each other the same anymore. I've lost respect for my husband and his lack of responsiblitly to address the issue. He's lost respect for me because I went from the caring wife, to the *****y wife. Its not a matter that will just work itself out and if you think that will end up divorced. Divorced due to the issue , divorced because the other cheated, or divorced because you fell out of love. I know marriage is not just sex but its a special part of it. Nobody gets married to become celibate. If you can't share that part of yourself with another, then you don't need to marry them. You need to find yourself or figure out that issue before you head into another relationship. This issue has ruined my self-esteem, depressed me, made me doubt myself and brought me to tears more than I care to count and it didn't have to be this way. I have never felt so negative about myself in my life! The only thing I am positive about right now is that I will never beg another man for sex again. I will never be in another relationship where I don't matter. And I will never have a relationship with another man that can't express himself on an intimate level. If I do divorce and run into that type of man again...I will run the other direction! I've missed so much and felt so alone for such a long time that I couldn't even tell you what normal is anymore. That just sounds pathetic itself! I never understood the phrase "you can be in the same room with a person and still feel alone" until this marriage. This is exactly how I feel!
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-24-2012, 04:42 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage & lack of intimacy

I can relate to do much of what you said, although my STBXW was once a month to six weeks. I ended up leaving the marriage about 20 months ago. Your counselor is right about your choices; your husband is happy with this aspect of his life because he's getting his needs met just fine. So he doesn't see that there's a problem. Unfortunately, he's not seeing that your needs not being met is a problem. So your choice is learn to live with it, or leave.

FWIW, I've been seeing a wonderful woman since shortly after I separated. Not ideal, but we were both looking for a physical relationship after leaving essentially sexless marriages. A "no strings attached, you scratch mine, I'll scratch yours" type of thing. But we fell in love. And have been going strong for most of my separation. I think her record for no sex in her marriage was around 2 years. We've found we're very compatible sexually (daily is great!), and I think I've had about 10 years worth of "married sex" with her. And that's just talking quantity, not quality. There's not a hope of comparing quality...

I say this not to brag, but to let you know there is hope of finding someone new after a sexless marriage. I'm 45, and I'd consider myself nicely average looking. She's 42, and much prettier than I am handsome. . The sexual connection we have has given us an incredible emotional connection as well. I just wish I hadn't spent the last 20 years merely "existing".

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-24-2012, 10:02 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage & lack of intimacy

Why not make a doctor's appointment for him? Just say "You have a doctors appointment on Tuesday at 9 to see what we can do about your libido and ED. If have a lawyer appointment on Wednesday at 9 to see what I can do about your not going to the doctor appointment. Your choice."
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