Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Or you could continiously decline, build resentment, destroy the marriage and hurt the one you love.
Is it really an obligation? Showing love to your spouse? Really? For things that are beyond their control. Very sad.
"All in all, it's just another brick in the wall......."
This was precisely what I thought when I read the OP. Life is life, and it will always be there. Tired is tired, and we will always be tired. Should the stars really have to align before a husband wife can have sex? Just the thought makes me squirm.
Yeah, sometimes we're tired. But guess what? The husband is probably tired too. He needs love just as much as we do.
If you think it is about blowing our load and going to sleep then sadly you have missed the point as well. Sometimes, sex is about more than just sex. Yes even for a man. Maybe especially for a man.
Sex is more than just sex to some women too! I always felt disconnected and somehow even lonely if my exSO and I went more than a day or two without making love.Sex doesn't fix everything but it sure is a good start...not the specific act of intercourse but all the things that go along with intercourse.the touching,the heated stares,the desire to please the person you love,etc.
I just do don't understand. I must be missing something here.
I just dont see the problem with the wife sometimes saying no.
I'm not talking about weeks on end, months with the odd pity shag thrown as a bone to keep the dog quiet. It's once in a while.
I think this thread is a classic case of "hitting a nerve".
Do I think the OP intended to leave the impression that women should chronically be able to deny their husbands sex? No, I actually do think she intended to talk about "once in awhile" (despite my sarcastic response, which was done entirely in jest).
But with hot button topics like this, on a board filled with denied spouses, it's liable to get out of hand.
Also the long, endless list of excuses the OP listed in her "letter" serve to reinforce the notion that a lot of women put everything before their husbands needs/desires, expecting him to take up the rear, and also is filled with the classic excuses a lot of spouses are served on a weekly, and even daily, basis.
My husband does not complain, since he not gone without sexual contact for more then week in the 12 years we have been together.
However, when we/I/him do slip, pulling the selfish, it must be me, why are treating me this way, is the most undesirable bit of behavior a man possesses. Its the absolute killer of sexual closeness. Treating your wives and girlfriends like giant vaginas that you need to fill to feel "loved" is BS.
Again my point was the man then taking a situation as presented above and turning in on himself, maybe its not you, stop supposing it is and maybe invest the time your trying to get laid and use it to why your wife/gf doesn't want to.
No offense, but seeing the natural desires that a husband has for his wife as nothing more than "wanting a giant vagina" is BS. If he only wanted a vagina he'd screw any which one he could himself into. It so happens that husbands want their wives because, shocker, they love them and want to feel close to them in an intimate way.
This was precisely what I thought when I read the OP. Life is life, and it will always be there. Tired is tired, and we will always be tired. Should the stars really have to align before a husband wife can have sex? Just the thought makes me squirm.
Yeah, sometimes we're tired. But guess what? The husband is probably tired too. He needs love just as much as we do.
For you to understand that at your age is wonderful!
Your husband did not give you your children, could not and can not do it. Your husband had an orgasm inside of you, that's it. It sounds harsh but it's just the truth.
Sperm is free, always has been and always will be. Every woman on the planet can get pregnant, or at last enough sperm to try, for free, if she wanted to.
No one here is automatically wrong, nor are they automatically right. I do believe some of these husbands are delusional to some degree, that they're heart is broken because their wife has the audacity to maintain autonomy over her own body and vagina.
I have often heard my father thank my mother for giving him me and my sibling, I have never heard it the other way. May be a cultural thing... mothers are the givers of life
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Originally Posted by Maricha75
Last I knew, it took both sperm and egg to make a baby. Has that changed? I will agree to one point... the HUSBAND isn't always necessary to make the baby TOGETHER. She could go to a sperm bank, absolutely. But how much will that cost? Sperm is still needed, whether some women wish to admit it or not!
There are women who use the term "give me a baby"... THEY want the husbands to give them children. So how is it ok for the women to say it but not the men? My husband GAVE me our children. I WANTED to endure the pregnancies...all 4 pregnancies, all three children.
Why is it that everything these men are saying here is automatically wrong? THAT is baffling TO ME!
Oh, and my husband didn't say "thank you" or "you're welcome" to me when OUR children were born. He said "he's beautiful!", "she's gorgeous, just like her mama!"... and "he's perfect!". It has nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with who gave the child to whom. We were WILLING EQUAL participants...And, I know that WITHOUT HIM, we wouldn't have these children. As a matter of fact, without a SPECIFIC male/female combination, the children we ALL have would not be here. Just food for thought. So, yes, without our husbands, we would NOT have the children we have now.
Its ok that you don’t want sex tonight. I know you’ve had a hard week and sex is the last thing on your mind. I feel for you, and want you to feel secure and loved. What you don’t know: The only real way I know how to feel and express my love for you is to make love to you so you feel so very special and loved because that it works for me. It is fine to reject that love tonight. It is fine to reject it on occasion. I don’t dwell on the ‘uncommon’ and respect you enough to know you wouldn’t intentionally want to hurt my feelings.
Just know though, when it becomes common that I’m no longer allowed to express my love or receive it in meaningful ways to me, at some point, I’m going to question its existence in our marriage. I start wondering if you are trying to intentionally hurt me. I’ll stuff down the hurt and betrayal; I’ll make justifications for myself to help bury this pain. It grows and my reasoning for ‘why this is happening’ will get very foggy. Maybe I’ll believe you are having affairs. Maybe I’ll believe I’m ugly and unwanted. Maybe I’ll believe you really hate me down deep. Maybe I’ll believe you are just using me to support you. Maybe I’ll question whether you just did it at first to dupe me into marrying you. I won’t talk to you about ‘it’ because I’ll feel even less loved and wanted when you fight me. You will even lie and tell me you understand, then still not make love to me; Love for you isn’t found this way.
And because I am a fairly simple animal that is hurt, I may lash out in pain. You’ll also see me become more and more desperate to feel loved again, re-assured that what we have is special. I’ll keep pressuring because I can’t quite accept you no longer love me. And all the while, I will also be blind how all these negative things make me a unattractive person and a ‘turn off’ reinforcing ‘your mood about sex with me’. I’m also no better than you; I don’t recognize how you are expressing your love because that isn’t how I do it.
What exactly did you throw away because you have a headache, had a bad day at work, feel sick or got thrown up on by a baby (which aren’t uncommon things at all)? You may be throwing away the love in the marriage if you let that be your reason for seldom expressing your love to me...
There are any number of reason for either party to be unable or unwilling to have intimacy with their spouse.
The problem arises when it's not BOTH who regret it.
I for one am not bitter or angry.
I recongize my wife has to be in the mood. I recognize that life sometimes gets in the way of her feeling sexual. All husbands recognize this.
But, how many wives who use "excuses" recognize that prioritizing their own sexuality within their life (over work, kids, house), will lead them to happiness?
That is my thought exactly.
I dont mind being turned down once in a while. I dont need to have sex twice a day or once a day for that matter. But I DO need it to be a priority in our lives. It doesnt supercede raising children or paying bills, but its OUR time together.
It seems that so many woman view it as a job. Maybe their husband isnt any good in bed and is a selfish lover? Maybe they just dont like it. But it seems that so many times they were fine with it on almost a daily basis while dating and early in the relationship only for it to fall back to close to last on the list of weekly activities later in life. Thats what seems to be the issue.
We are not talking about couples that have a frequent sex life here. 2-3 times a week. We are talking about once a week or less, or god forbide an entire 30 days without some kind of contact.
We are also not talking about if I got in an accident or there is a serious health issues. Those are different issues. We are talking about 2 healthy adults that are in a relationship and what the expectations are in that relationship.
Um yeah, that's exactly what I do. If he says he isn't up for cuddling I kiss him on the cheek, say ok and go about my day. My whole world doesn't fall apart if my husband isn't in the mood for snuggling. I see him all the time so I assume we'll just cuddle later. Pouting everytime my husband didn't feel like talking, cuddling, playing around etc would be emotional manipulation and that's not right.
Again, who says anything about acting like the world is falling apart. I mean just normal disappointment. My wife turns me down, I am disappointed. Those are my emotions and just as she has the right to hers, I have a right to mine. I don't pout or fall apart. I shrug my shoulders, am understanding and continue living. But I won't lie and not say I am disappointed. If you are not even a little disappointed when your husband does not cuddle, I have to wonder why you want to cuddle with him.
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And I don't expect for him to decline under only the most difficult circumstances either. The house doesn't need to be on fire, world ending for him to say no. Sometimes he's not in the mood "just cuz'" and that's a-ok with me. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't disagree. When things are good in the relationship, it is very easy to shrug off and not care, because your spouse is meeting your needs so many other times. But on this forum, you have a lot of spouses that are not getting their needs met. With that in mind, those excuse are bound to raise the ire of those folks. Accusing them of just wanting to shoot their load in their wife is insulting and is not going to convert them to your view point.
I see that list that the OP and you agree with, and I can't remember a day when something either on that list or close to it did not happen. And I remember when it seemed like those excuses where grabbed onto like a liferaft by my wife as an excuse to not have sex. And I remember her telling me it wasn't me it was just life when I raised her not wanting to have sex. And I remember thinking that when something was important to her she found a way to do it, but she could not find a way to have sex with me.
As we improved our relationship, including the sex life, the hardest thing for me was not to revert back to the resentment when an excuse came up. I had to trust that she was being honest with me when she said she was just not in the mood. While I mostly handled it well, I did fail at times (I am human). But as I worked on my stuff and she worked on hers, it became easier to trust that the changes were permanent on both sides.
Perhaps it is easiest to sum it up and say that if the HD is only having sex once every other week, this list is going to touch a raw nerve, but it they are having it 2-3 times a week, they will understand and appreciate it.
Before you get too offended at ari people, keep in mind her age and experience level. She's posting based on a certain specific set of experiences. She posts based on what she "knows".
Why can't sex be viewed by the tired spouse as a chance to get re-energized?? I don't know about anyone else but I can be dead on my feet and if my exSO started kissing me and rubbing me something in my brain/body clicks and I feel alive and awake again.
no one else feels that way??? it's just viewed as an exhausting experience that requires tons of time and preparation so that's why it isn't done very often?
How did you "give" her babies, that confuses me. Are you referring only to the moment you ejaculatd inside of her? Because she did 100% of the baby growing and birthing herself, and could've done so without your sperm...
I don't understand where some husbands are getting this idea that their wives sould feel soooo lucky that he was willing to ejaculate inside of her. Most men would be willing to ejaculate inside of most women lol. If she got a baby, is was because she walling to endure pregnancy and the toll it takes on her body and endure labor and the toll that takes. Why any man would take credit for "giving" a woman a baby is baffling to me.
Maybe it's because I don't have kids... but I would be stunned if I got pregnant, gave birth and the first words out of my husbands mouth were "you're welcome" instead of "thank you".
Posted via Mobile Device
Is that really what sex is being reduced to these days? "Just an ejaculation"? That is so sad, I honestly don't know how to comment.
Please Lord God in heaven, strike me dead if ever I say the same thing.
Before you get too offended at ari people, keep in mind her age and experience level. She's posting based on a certain specific set of experiences. She posts based on what she "knows".
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Re: Sometimes just not in the mood...its NOT you 
