about2cross

I know cheating is wrong. Just wanted to get that out first.

In this rl for 4.5 years.
The 1st year was great, lots of sex and sexy sex.
Then, we moved in together and the sex became more infrequent.
Fast forward to now and if I don't initiate, I don't get.

I've told him time and time again, I want more- more loving, more kissing, more sexual intimacy. He hates talking about these things- it makes him very uncomfortable. He is almost on the edge of being prudish actually,, now that I think about it and me, well, I am not.

I've been sexting with my exbf - we have loads of chemistry and that rl failed bc we could not get along outside of the bedroom. It's a shame bc he is absolutely a 'Christian Grey' type of guy..... Anyways, we are hot 2gether and that fire still burns bright after 6 years.

My current bf fulfills me in all of the other ways a rl should but I think it's just not in him 2 be über sexy - he says he is "not a dog" and he is 45 so I should give him a break- this is what happens. Meanwhile, I know plenty of men, older than him who always have sex on the brain, incl my xbf who is 50 and raring to go.

Bf works nites 4-12 & I work days so we only get quality time on wknds and he works some saturdays too so Sunday is our guaranteed day together. We are both divorced, no kids and no intention of getting married in near future BTDT. I initiate sex 1x per week. I 'tested' him last month to see how long we would go without me initiating and on the 4th week he asked me why we haven't had sex. And when we do it's quick, boring and he touches without feeling- just wants to get to the end game.

So, me and the xbf are turning each other on and have a date set to get together. I know this will be a turning point but I don't want to end my rl with bf over this 1 part of our rl. He flat out told me sex isn't everything and there are many other things that make up a rl.

So, if I get my sexual energies out with the ex and stay in my cozy, homey, pleasant rl with my bf, will it be that bad? I don't know if I can handle the lying and deceit but the lure of the ex is very strong. Current bf will never match or come close to the xbf sexual energy, openness or desire.

jfv

Yeah its bad, its called 'cake eating'. Would your relationship with your bf continue to be 'cozy, homey, and pleasant' if he found about you and your ex? If not, then you are in the wrong here. You guys are not compatible in a way that is important to you. I get it.
I suggest you break up with him and find someone that gives you both. DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM. Why would you dishonor someone who you claim gives you so much? What kind of person would you say does something like that? Answer that question and then do the right thing... Let him go.

Mavash.

Why not just let the guy go and find someone you are more compatible with? I mean you aren't married so I don't get it. Why stay?

about2cross

Cake eating,,, that's a new one on me....

Me & bf are compatible in all the other ways, we have fun together and enjoy our Sunday's.

I left my 1st husband initially bc of lack of sex and as I started reading self help books, I learned that our rl just didn't have the depth I needed- it was sisterly/brotherly. And back then, I remember thinking, while married, that a boyfriend would solve my problems. Of course, I didn't do that and left the marriage instead.

This time around, I'm thinking, why not. We spend a lot of time apart anyway. I don't want to end the rl - our lives are deeply intwined, he lives in my condo, it would just be messy. I've had messy with the ex husband and that was no fun.

I am just not ready to leave.

Henri

Does you current BF know how serious you feel about the need for a change/improvement?

Have you consisered an open relationship? Just curious, I am not suggesting this.

Adex

This is simple. He's just a boyfriend, not even a husband and you don't have kids together. Break up with him and try again with your ex. I'd even say cheating at this point isn't that bad because you're not married.

Life is too short not to have sex.

Shaggy

Don't cheat. Don't be that kind of person, because if you do cheat, you do not deserve to be with your BF and your BF doesn't deserve to waste his time with out anylonger.

Stop the sexting with the exbf. You're already cheating on your BF as it is, don't go there.

If your BF isn't all you need then leave him. Be honest and tell him why you're ending the relationship, but ask him if he is willing to work on it, and you'll stay.

But above all stop your sexting cheating and do not begin cheating on the BF physically.

Shaggy

It is cheating if she isn't honest and up front with the BF that she's not exclusive with him.

Adex

Right, I never said it wasn't cheating. What I'm saying is, it's not as bad as cheating on a spouse. To me marriage is a stronger commitment generally made to God, not to break those vows while a gf/bf relationship is not on that level of commitment.

When I was in my early twenties, I cheated a few times on different gfs, but I was younger and to me it wasn't as bad. Since being married though, I haven't because I realized it's a greater commitment.

It would be better just to break up first though.

Lifeisnotsogood2

At least you know this one will not cheat on you.

MarriedMojo

I'm not sure it should be looked as a commitment thing. If you were younger just admit you didn't give a **** about them, but you know what you did was wrong. If you had been them and found out married or not how would you have felt? Probably worthless, not being married doesn't mean that emotions are not involved and things hurt any less. I speak from experience as the cheater and I was just plain dumb. My need for sex drove me out and I was a douche bag, period. I didn't even think of the other people involved, all I cared about was my satisfaction.
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CandieGirl

Don't bank on it! Many times, after the sex life dwindles, an affair is discovered....

larry.gray

Don't count in it. It could be happening right now!

about2cross

I appreciate everyone's insight. I think I need to really THINK and figure out what I really want to do. I'm not ready to put my life in a total upheaval.

jfv

THINKING is always a good start. Especially if you are thinking of ways to get what you need without betraying someone who is undeserving of such treatment. Good luck to you with that. Just out of curiousity, what do you mean by 'total upheaval'? In other words what would you do if you were ready "to put your life in total upheaval" what would that look like? Its not a bad question for you to ask yourself either.