StayInIt

Hello all.

This is my second official post, and hopefully I will be brave enough to leave it up for for than 12 hours

The physical part of my marriage has been non-exisitant for nearly a year. As in zilch. The most we have is hugs and the occasional kiss....oh, and the few odd blow jobs I've given him. I can't do that for him anymore, as I don't get anything in return.

We didn't have much sex before we got married, and I was excited to try new stuff. I thought he was too. Nothing too extreme, just a bit of light bondage, positions other than spoon or missionary and perhaps on the kitchen table once and a while. At first, he seemed into it. But as I was the find out, he has very plain tastes, and finds anything other than routine sex excessive.

He left for basic a month after our wedding and I didn't get to see him for a while. After basic, he went off to long training while I was obligated to stay home to care for a family member. When I was able to see him, we had our fun, but I noticed that for him to be able to access his sexuality beyond the his standard 7 minute routine, he has to be really drunk. Every time. The best sex we have ever had was when he was blacked out drunk. It became clear that our drives were mismatched. I brought this up to him, telling him that I have a high drive and could stay in bed all weekend but it seemed to me that those days were behind me. He said they were. His exact words were 'Maybe one day I can give you what you want, but I can't now.' That was over 2 years ago and it was the last talk about sex we have had.

I found out I was pregnant last August. It was a shock and it was a rough pregnancy. He was still away in training so I went through most of this on my own. I've never been able to talk to him when I am upset or need support. I know he loves me, but he always dismisses what I am feeling. He admitted it was a way of managing his sense of helplessness. I can understand that, but I don't think he understands how badly this damaged our marriage. When we were able to be together and when I felt well enough to, we managed to have then same old boring sex I have come to expect but as a hormonal preggo it wasn't enough. I had to ask him once if we could have sex everyday of a three day weekend.....we didn't. I asked him to give me massages as he is a trained massage therapist, but I never got one. When bone pain made intercourse too painful, I just took care of my own needs. After the baby came, he didn't help much with the baby. Actually he didn't help me much during my pregnancy. He prefers that I take care of everything, even though I never agreed nor wanted to do so.

5 months on, things have gotten better only cause I'm 60% checked out. I don't expect good sex, or being able to confide in him any longer. I don't expect him to meet any of my top needs anymore and I honestly doubt if I experience my libido as a need at all. I was out of commission for 3 months after the baby, but now I'm as libidinous as ever with no dryness issues. I just take care of it myself. I.......can't really say I like being married. I don't know if I have the energy to get us to a therapist, because like our finances and anything else practical in our lives it will fall solely on my shoulders. It takes all my energy to keep our lives sorted, take care of the baby and constantly re-frame my life so that I can stand it- my kid needs me to be functional, not happy.

He is a good man. I know he loves me. There are things he can work on, but unfortunately for me he is just of a lower drive than I am. He pointed out that I'm not really normal sexually, that most women don't like sex as much as I do and I know this about myself. I try to channel my libido and guard against sexual thoughts but it's really hard to change that aspect of my personality. It's not as if I haven't had great sex in my life, so I can't honestly say I've been gypped. I guess this is a part of me that there is no room for in my life that I can't quite seem to wish away. How do you get control of your sexuality so it doesn't make you miserable?

blueskies30

I'm in the same sort of boat as you are with the sex. My husband used to like sex and now it seems that sex is not his proirity and he is uncomfortable about talking about it. see my recent thread incompatible sexually.

I'm not sure my husband will change at all. I need him to be open to talking about sex. I spent years not talking about what I wanted or my fantasies because he acts so offended. Tonight I accidently came across a link on ideas for pleasing your husband and it was torturing me, I don't even know if I can get the chance to try any of them. They were mostly about oral sex, which I want to do really bad. When I last tried he said I didn't have to do that and only started getting hard when I was using my hands.

When my husband and I do have sex it is exciting, but its mostly what he wants to do. I would like the missionary position. You can vary the missionary position. When ever we do ever do missionary its never boring. research some posotions for missionary...I have a Iphone sex app, look online if you don't have a phone with apps.

*LittleDeer*

He's wrong. Lots of women love se and plenty of them are on this site.

You should not put up with a life of misery with a husband who shows you no passion, won't have sex with you hardly ever and is not there for you emotionally.

I would give him and ultimatum, and stick to it, either he goes to marriage counselling, has his testosterone and health checked and makes a huge effort to improve your marriage (and his parenting) or you move on.

Also I forgot, Does he watch a lot of porn - that should also be ruled out.

Don't waste your life with someone like that.

waiwera

Sorry to read this OP, that's a horrible way to live.

I'm a 45 yr old woman, been with my H for 25 years. I'd have sex everyday if I could. Your H is just making excuses. I can (sort of) understand low sex drive but to be totally be sexless towards your spouse is breaking your wedding vows I believe.

It's your H's choice to live in a sexless marriage.... it doesn't have to be your choice.

You can't change anything, within your marriage without his co-operation.

I'm glad you posted. I hope you find the support and information you need to improve your situation.

keeper63

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling and/or sex therapy. When you said that your husband has to be drunk in order to have passionate, adventurous sex, that tells me that he has some deep-seated inhibitions/hang-ups that tend to go away when he is has had some drinks.

My wife used to be like this (sexually uptight and repressed), and after several months of therapy, she has overcome many of her hang-ups, and is much more adventurous and willing to do more things sexually that she would previously only do when she was drunk (69, p*ssy to mouth, light bondage, anal play, etc.).

Did your husband have a strict/religious upbringing? That sort of upbringing was a big part of my wife's issues, including some childhood abuse, and parental neglect issues.

See if he will go with you to MC/ST, don't be afraid to push hard for it.

StayInIt

People who don't think anything is wrong aren't usually open to going to therapy. The last time I brought it up he was genuinely surprised that I thought we should go. He isn't a monster or some heartless bastard, he just is who he is. I think we both went into marriage hoping to make each other happy, only what we like individually isn't really compatible. For him, the same old 2 position 7 minute routine is good sex- reliable, comfortable and stress free. His life can be pretty stressful, being in the military and all.

Which brings me to another thing I thought of after posting it. I made a conscious choice to marry a service member and I knew I wouldn't have much say in the circumstances of my life for the duration of his service. Mind you, I didn't sign up to have a boring sex life, but I did sign up knowing I would have to periodically do without. What I didn't think of was the mindset he would have to adopt, which when we were apart and I was suffering was a mix of dismissal and complacency. He has to disengage from me to keep his head in the game. While he was away, I was taking care of my senile, hoarding grandmother with no help from my family. It was a year long, grueling ordeal and ind the best of circumstances it would have been hell, but when you add to this dealing with social services and insurance it was straight up torture. When I would try to tell him about my day, which usually involved trying to get a filthy old woman to bathe or put on clean clothes without having call the cops on me, he would tell me that I shouldn't feel as bad a I did, or as burnt out or as sad. Eventually I made an effort not to turn to him when I was upset. Luckliy for me I have a kick ass best friend and loving dog, otherwise I don't know what I would have done. He didn't do this because he hates me or is manipulative. He did this because he felt helpless and the only way he could cope with this was to belittle my feelings and dismiss me. ****ed up, right?

The thing is, as a military wife I don't get to have needs. I can have things that I would like and I can make the best of it at all times, but to have needs is to invite heartbreak. I could divorce him, but where would that leave my baby daughter? I could give him an ultimatum, but I don't think he would take it seriously. I can't make him have a higher sex drive, and anyway how would I even bring that up without emasculating him? He will accept blowjobs so i dont think its a hormonal issue for him. I just think he runs cooler than I do. I also think that he doesnt have much imagaination in sexual matters. When my pelvic bone issues took intercourse off the table, he didnt really inquire as to what else we could do. I don't think he really thinks about my sexuality outside of when we have sex.

We do get along on a day to day basis, and he has in the past 3 weeks made more of an effort to help with the baby. They adore each other and he gets along great with my family. We have an almost middle school relationship, horsing around and teasing and so forth? I know it's important to him to have a fun relationship, but I can't help wishing he would think of himself as my lover too.