Wife having trouble with orgasm...
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-14-2012, 08:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife having trouble with orgasm...

My wife has recently had some trouble climaxing. This has been the case whether she has been masturbating (she has tried using her hands, the bath faucet, and a vibrator), when I give her oral, or when we have PIV (even if I stimulate her cl!t with my fingers or the vibe while penetrating her, which almost never fails).

This has been going on for a few weeks now. Previously, she has been multi-orgasmic (somtimes 20 or more orgasms when we have sex), and she can have an orgasm from masturbation (tub faucet or fingers) generally within 5 to 10 minutes. Needless to say, it has been a source of frustration for her. It has definitely affected her mood in a not-so-positive way.

The way she describes it, she says she can't "find that spot" like she usually can. She has also told me that when I have licked her cl!t or rubbed it with my fingers, I haven't been "hitting the spot" like I usually do (I almost never have trouble finding "her spot", I know exactly where it is!).

It seems like some sort of loss of clitoral sensitivity to me. My first thought was that she was overusing the vibrator, but I don't think that is it (she hardly ever uses it solo, she generally prefers to use it on herself during PIV, or have me use it on her, which might be once a week, tops). I have kept an eye on the vibe, and it hasn't moved from where I put it, I even tried the battery trick, and unless she is putting the batteries back the way they were, she hasn't been using it by herself.

Or perhaps she has reached that point where she is putting too much pressure on herself, and maybe she should just stop trying for a bit.

I was hoping that some folks here on TAM might have experienced this, and would have some input. My wife is becoming seriously frustrated, and it is creating friction in our relationship.
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Or perhaps she has reached that point where she is putting too much pressure on herself, and maybe she should just stop trying for a bit.

This would be my thought.

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Old 09-14-2012, 08:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

Once a week vibrator use would be enough to mess me up.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

@Mavash^

Really? Just once a week (realistically, her vibe usage isn't weekly, but close enough) is enough to numb her cl!t?

She typically will masturbate in the tub 2 or 3 mornings per week, and has been doing this for a long time (close to a year now since she started a new job, and has established her morning routine). Could she be creating a sensitivity problem with her fingers or the running water? Is doing this 2 or 3 times a week (not including our sex sessions 2 or 3x per week) just too much clitoral stimulation?

I'd hate to see her stop doing this, because it clealry helps her mood, and it increases her desire to have sex with me.

However, if laying off of her cl!t for a while is the answer, I'm sure she would be willing to give that a go.

Last edited by keeper63; 09-14-2012 at 09:11 AM.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

how old is she?

My wife went through the same phase for about 3 months where she couldn't have an orgasm even through masturbation at age 33 and then BAM, her drive kicked into overdrive and she hit her peak
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

She is 49, and in excellent physical shape and health.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

If your wife is masturbating 2-3 times a week AND having sex 2-3 times a week that's a heck of a lot of stimulation. If I were her I'd try cutting out the vibe and the masturbating. Let the sexual tension build for a few days to a week before having sex again.

She's really putting a lot of pressure on herself.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

Thanks, since I don't have a cl!toris, I have no idea how much stimulation might be too much. I'll suggest to her that she ease off of jerking herself off and using the vibe (together or solo), and see how that goes.

Right now, she is frustrated with trying and not climaxing, perhaps she will be less so if she stops trying for a bit.
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

Her age is also an issue. I'm 46 and quite frankly O's aren't as easy to come by as they were even a year ago. There is no way I could keep up the pace your wife is trying to do and I LOVE sex. I save my sexual tension for my husband. I don't masturbate anymore unless he's going to be gone longer than a week or I'm mad at him. LOL
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

see the gyno, a physical check may help to rule out anything physical
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

She has told me that her libido is a "use it or lose it" proposition, that she feels more energized and happy when she can give herself a couple of fast and easy orgasms during the week.

She also says that it makes her want to have sex with me more when she does it this way. The other thing is that while she can and often does have multiple orgasms when we have sex, there are plenty of times when we have sex, and she doesn't come at all.

That said, I think it would be worth trying to have her lay off of her cl!t for several days, and see what happens. Perhaps she ultimately needs to set her sights a bit lower, like masturbating once a week or so, and then having sex with me a couple of times.

Do you think a week of abstinence would be a good place to start?
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

She had her annual gyno check up about 2.5 months ago, if this issue persists, I will suggest she go back for a follow-up.

I'm actually better about going to the doctor than she is...
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

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She has told me that her libido is a "use it or lose it" proposition, that she feels more energized and happy when she can give herself a couple of fast and easy orgasms during the week.
But this isn't working anymore is it? I think cutting back the masturbating would be a good start. I've had to rethink how I keep my libido going. Reading erotica, thinking about masturbating but not actually doing it, etc.

Look I'd love a few fast and easy orgasms too but these days there is a price to pay for that. It means I won't enjoy sex with my husband later.

And no way in heck I'd discuss this with my Gyn. There is nothing wrong with me - I'm just old. LOL
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Old 09-14-2012, 10:06 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

Clearly what had been working is no longer working.

Part of the problem from my (selfish) perspective is that right now, she is unable to enjoy sex with herself, nor is she able to enjoy sex with me (sex without any orgasms is no fun for anyone).

I think she has gotten to that point where the more she wants to have an orgasm, the more elusive it is to actually have one.

It would stand to reason that the 5 or 6 orgasms she had been having every week is a lot, and in the interest of reducing her frustration, she/we should lay off of her cl!toris for a week or so.

When we resume, I would think that it would be good for her to be very relaxed (a full body and foot massage after a warm bath and a glass of red wine), and just see where things go, and not feel like she has to come.

I appreciate the input.
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Old 09-14-2012, 10:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife having trouble with orgasm...

Another issue is hormones. At 49 her testosterone has dwindled to nothing. I'm on hormones now (got on them for mood issues not for drive) and without them I seriously could go a week or so without sex. And O's would be hit or miss. This after I was a HD for as long as I could remember. It still shocks me that I could just flip like that.

Last edited by Mavash.; 09-14-2012 at 11:27 AM.
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