Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
All the warning signs were there. You ignored them. You "stuck it out" as if you were going to get a prize? THIS is just ridiculous. Maybe he's cheating, maybe he's gay.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Best to cut things now before children or more time.
He swears that all the men I dated before were faking enjoyment when they did it. He almost has me convinced. Basically, I just want to know...is this normal?
Eh, no.
In my experience, it's not normal. While some guys will enjoy giving oral see more than others, I would say that most guys get some pleasure from giving their partners pleasure. Of course, the fact that you were faking it for years may be affecting him quite a bit...
For me personally, I could accept a partner who wouldn't give me oral sex. But I could NOT accept a partner who wouldn't let me give it to her.
I actually work in mental health and have all the tools necessary to deal with this issue but can't for some reason. I have seen several therapists and asked him to join me. Of course, he says HELL NO. The therapists always tell me to leave him. I hate that we live in a culture where that is the easy answer. JUST LEAVE...as if I haven't dedicated all this time and energy to making something work with someone that I saw/see love and potential in.
You misunderstand what marriage is about. It's not about you being mistreated. This is the type of relationship where leaving is usually the only healthy option.
He will only change if he wants to.
If he is using porn daily to get off then of course he has no need for you sexually. He prefers porn and his hand over you. To be truthful, by you pushing him for sex, you are not respecting his desire to be asexual with you.
If you want a husband who will be sexual with you.. then go find one. What you did was to marry an apple and expect it to be an orange.
The easy availability of porn these days is causing this type of probelm to be pretty common. Men who do not want to have to deal with the sexual needs of women can get their sex without the woman.
What I have read is that it takes 3-6 months of no porn (ZERO) and no masterbation before a man who has this issue to start to want to have sex with a life woman on a regular basis. Then he has to deal with the issue that drove him to porn to start with.. often it's a dislike of women.. he finds touching you in some places unpleasant. Him giving up porn will not make him want to please you or touch you. It might make him want to use you and other women to use as tools to get off (masterbate in your body).
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Originally Posted by MLee555
I really just want perspective...honest to goodness perspective. What would you all think if the same was happening in your relationship. ?
The same did happen in my relationship. I divorced him after I realized that want he wanted was to play on-line and masterbate. He did not want a life woman.
And that was after we had 7 years of a very active, hot sex life. He just started using porn over time. Now he has no interest in sex with any woman... porn is better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MLee555
After being with him for this long I've been conditioned by him to feel crazy and like it's my fault. He swears that men HATE giving women oral pleasure and only do it to get laid. He swears that all the men I dated before were faking enjoyment when they did it. He almost has me convinced. Basically, I just want to know...is this normal?
Your husband is an abusive person. Of course he's trying to make you feel crazy and like it's all you.
Have you put a key logger on his computer to find out what he's really doing on line? You might be shocked.
A man who enjoys women loves to give women pleasure in every way they can. Your husband does not really like women from what you have said.
How respulsive is that? And that was at the beginning of our relationship. He had just dragged me along to a lingerie party at his friends house. After it was over I'd planned a nice hotel/hot tub for he and I. First he wanted me to stop and get him food. So I get his food and at this point he is wasted and starts cussing throws his drink out of my jeep window. I should have left that night. He doesn't remember it so it didn't happen. And yes...there was mayo everywhere. It was AWFUL! Then he fell asleep as his phone buzzed with sexts from another girl.
He knew you had plans for the night... so he made sure that he was buzzed and threw a tantrum like a 2 year old to make sure he did not have to have sex with him..
And you stayed with him? Instead of worrying about what's worng with him.. you need to find out why you have stayed in this abusive relationship, before and after marriage. Why do you have so little self worth that you accept a man who does not want to have sex with you? who cheats? who prefers porn and his hand?
Look into co-dependency. It's characterized by a person being overly concerned about an other person and always trying to fix them... that way they do not have to pay attention to their own problems.
You are not what is best for him, you are fueling his flaws and helping him confirm that he is "in the right" being so disrespectful and treating you like a doormat.
If you truly love him, toughen up, and force him to grow up. This is one of the reasons I always say that you have to love yourself first before you can possibly love someone else fully.
Truth be told, if I was him, I would have no desire for you either. You give him no challenge, you beg him for intimacy, you have no self-respect as you deal with his abuse constantly, hell... hate to be mean but you're hurting yourself and robbing him from a life lesson that he himself MUST learn to grow up as a man.
You are not what is best for him, you are fueling his flaws and helping him confirm that he is "in the right" being so disrespectful and treating you like a doormat.
If you truly love him, toughen up, and force him to grow up. This is one of the reasons I always say that you have to love yourself first before you can possibly love someone else fully.
Truth be told, if I was him, I would have no desire for you either. You give him no challenge, you beg him for intimacy, you have no self-respect as you deal with his abuse constantly, hell... hate to be mean but you're hurting yourself and robbing him from a life lesson that he himself MUST learn to grow up as a man.
I feel this comment is grossly unfair. Please do not take any notice. You sound like a fantastic woman doing everything she can to save your marriage.
You are not what is best for him, you are fueling his flaws and helping him confirm that he is "in the right" being so disrespectful and treating you like a doormat.
If you truly love him, toughen up, and force him to grow up. This is one of the reasons I always say that you have to love yourself first before you can possibly love someone else fully.
Truth be told, if I was him, I would have no desire for you either. You give him no challenge, you beg him for intimacy, you have no self-respect as you deal with his abuse constantly, hell... hate to be mean but you're hurting yourself and robbing him from a life lesson that he himself MUST learn to grow up as a man.
OP, as long as you continue to enable him by putting up with the bad in the hopes that his potential will materialize, you are playing the martyr and he is playing the monster. Beauty and the Beast doesn't work out in real life like this. You won't earn his love and respect by enduring his disdain and contempt, you will simply reinforce the idea in his head that you deserve it (which, by the way, you don't deserve because you seem like a devoted and caring spouse who is being taken advantage of). You might earn earn his love and respect and some self-love and self-respect by not giving in and forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions -- treat a woman like a plaything you don't treasure and she will leave! I know you don't see it right now, but you can't fix what's broken in him with your affection; only by letting him confront his own demons do you even stand a chance of seeing him change and even then he might not want you. You allowing him to treat you this way prevents him from getting better. Many of us have been in your shoes in some way (including myself). Don't coddle him. Tell him to man up and don't take him back if he doesn't. Otherwise, no matter how great you are and how cruel he is, you're both equally toxic to each other.
Look carefully at what Elegirl and RandomDude have said and think about it.
he lied and cheated on you before AND YOU STUCK AROUND?
I am sorry to say but you are getting what you are allowing to occur. Do you deserve this? I do not think so but you allow it to happen by staying in this relationship.
There are other people
LEAVE or else stay and remain unhappy. Which do you want?
I really need options and answers. How do I gain his interest? how do I get the point across to him that it's not fair that I pleasure him but he won't me...(he has made no secret of that fact that if I didn't pleasure him he would leave me). How do I show him that I'm not going anywhere...I've noticed that he's going through me emails and phone a lot lately. He thinks I'm CHEATING!!!
He is going through your phone and email, probably because he is the one cheating (again)!
And just because you got married doesn't mean that the cheating and the ass-hat behavior is going to stop.
things are not going to get better, this is how it has been with him since the beginning of the relationship. I am sorry but there are really only 2 options. 1. deal with the way things are or 2. leave..
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Re: He never wants sex 
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