Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
This is my situation: early 40's, great family (including a sweet and caring wife), over educated, smart, successful, fit, and good looking. I have it all. But I am bored. Particularly in the bedroom. I have already tried it all (toys, talk, porn, asked for counseling, blah, blah, blah...). I really think I have hit my wife's boundaries (in terms of her libido and things she is comfortable with) and honestly do not want to push her beyond where we are. By the way, my wife grew up in a very conservative environment and her willingness to try new things is really almost non-existent (nope, no BJs for me... ever). At this point she seems quite happy with the super plain vanilla sex life and truly has no desire to spice anything up (and I feel kind of selfish insisting... and after years of trying I know nothing is going to change anyway).
I cope the way most other guys do: a bit of online porn and the rare random fantasy chat with a stranger. Just enough stimulation to keep me sane, curious, and entertained.
And of course I have found myself looking at other women... and I know I could find someone if I wanted to (never had problems finding girlfriends or bed mates when I was single). I did my share of dating and had my share of not-so-conservative girlfriends. I do know what I am missing. But I don't want to hurt anyone with the potential fallout from an affair.
By the way, I have never cheated and my intentions of ever getting a divorce are really zero.
So here is my question to all of you: what about paid sex?
I mention it because I travel to a country where escort services are legal, the girls only practice super safe sex, and the girls are actually very good looking professionals with a huge repertoire of services. One friend of mine there told me it was quite similar to getting a massage or going to a spa in the US. I have a hard time doing it thought (in addition to the cheating part it probably has to do with the shame that is attached to having to pay for sex in our culture). FWIW... I don't think I would ever call an escort service or hire a prostitute in this country. It is just I really start feeling like "when in Rome do as Romans do..." particularly in my situation.... so very tempting. Is our own cultural baggage with respect to sex that is keeping us from a simple solution to mismatched sex drives in otherwise perfectly happy marriages?
Why not ask your wife if she minds if you indulge in these paid sex transactions...? If this is such a simple solution for the two of you, I'm sure she won't mind one bit. At least give her a choice in the matter. That would be the right thing to do.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Paid Sex
Just because it is legal elsewhere doesn't give you carte blanche to betray your wife and marriage. Your vows were to your wife, not the laws of an other country. Your post is simply and attempt to rationalize your desire to have sex outside your marriage. Would your wife think it is OK to "do as the Romans do"? I doubt it. And don't let the "safe sex" fool you. Prostitutes having sex with a dozen or more clients a day is in no way safe sex. They don't get tested after every bang. Sorry you have an incompatibility issue in your sex life with your spouse. Look around the forum, many of us do but don't choose to cheat.
CandieGirl.... actually asking my wife about it would probably be quite selfish on my part since the only thing it would do is to hurt her (I know she would say no). Every person's sex life has to components: part you share with your partner, and a private part you keep to yourself (yep, there are things about our own sexuality are are best kept from own our partners). Just because your partner doesn't agree with it, doesn't mean you can't do it (obviously as long as you don't hurt them or hurt yourself). Do we really need to tell our partners about things that will not hurt you or them?
The bottom line is that I doubt I will ever do it... it is just that such services seems like a plausible alternative in dealing with unsatisfied sexual needs in in those cultures (just like toys, porn, and sex therapists are used by people in our culture to help with their sex lives... people in other places have figured out professional sex providers can also come in handy... by the way... in many places the use of sex toys, porn, or sex therapy are frowned upon and probably put you in jail).
Sorry Zoltar. What you're proposing is cowardly. You don't have the sack to confront your wife or leave her so you want permission to cheat behind her back. Nobody here is going to say that's ok. You have many options at your disposal. You can leave your wife. You can tell her ahead of time that you're going to go outside the marriage because of her prudish ways. You can do the work on yourself required to change her ways.
But to lead her to believe everything is fine and then cheat in secret is wrong. It's being less than a real man. Like I said, it's cowardly.
I respectfully disagree; it would probably be the most selfless thing you could do for her...at least talk to her and tell her how you're feeling about your sex life, and what you're considering doing. Yes, it will hurt her, but so will going with a prostitute, unless you're one of those who never gets caught. But don't bank on that...once you do the deed (if you ever do) your wife will probably pick up on it somehow; most people do, when faced with a cheating partner. Check around the site a bit, and you'll see tons of posts from people who 'had a gut feeling' or 'noticed a few red flags'. ...
I'm Canadian; we're pretty loose up here with our rules although I hear the Dutch are even looser Glad we can't get thrown in the klink for sex toys and porn...!
Just because your partner doesn't agree with it, doesn't mean you can't do it (obviously as long as you don't hurt them or hurt yourself).
You can do anything you want. If it is legal, nobody will stop you. That's not the question here. The question is whether it is moral. You made a vow to your wife not to seek sex outside your marriage. So, visiting a prostitute would be breaking your vow. And that's immoral.
Originally Posted by Zoltar
Do we really need to tell our partners about things that will not hurt you or them?
If you're talking about breaking your marriage vows, then I think you should give advance warning. People's psyches are nearly destroyed every day by adultery. And I've never heard of a cheater who didn't firmly believe that he didn't have all his bases covered as far as his wife finding out. But you would be amazed at how many ways the truth has of finding daylight.
Originally Posted by Zoltar
people in other places have figured out professional sex providers can also come in handy... by the way... in many places the use of sex toys, porn, or sex therapy are frowned upon and probably put you in jail).
Maybe there is a reason why your wife did not marry a man from one of those cultures.
In some cultures, obese women are considered very attractive. Should this give your wife license to gain 200 pounds?
In some cultures, women marry several men. Should this give your wife license to add more men to your family?
I think you would be best served by dealing with your problems in this culture. Although, given that you have stated that your status quo is preferable to divorce, your problems are likely here to stay.
I mean this in the most respectful way possible, but, have you ever considered your wife just might be bored with you? Sometimes the old bag of tricks just doesn't work. Sure, to other women you might be something fancy but to a woman you have been with for a while that has seen you in your not-so-fancy moments, maybe she needs some excitement from you as well? Maybe if you tried switching your tactics up and tried to impress her, her tune might change? Just a thought!
To answer your question, no, paying for sex will not help the matter. You pay for sex once and it will only spin out of control, not to mention, REALLY hurt your wife in the process. Then you will be heading for potential divorce and lose all of the good things you actually *do* have. For what? Paid sex with a stranger who doesn't care about you in the least bit?
And no, most men do not have sex talk with strangers. If I found out my husband were doing such a thing I would consider it cheating.