Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-16-2012, 12:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

I love my wife. She's beautiful, a wonderful person, a great Mom, etc.

However, I am extremely lonely. I want a best friend/wife/lover. I have a good friend (her), but that's it. Nothing more. There's no "love" in our relationship. Sure, she'll say "I love you" quite a bit, but there are no (intimate) actions to back up the words. It's frustrating.

History lesson: I had sex one time with one person in my mid/late twenties (I'm now almost 40). I had always wanted to save myself for marriage (but screwed up once). It's not that I didn't have opportunities, as I was a college athlete and still work out quite a bit. She has had multiple lovers and has been married, too.

We are almost to our 10 year anniversary. We have two kids who are the love/pride of our life. However, we have almost no love life. We started couceling about 4 months ago, as that was a last resort and there have been good things that have come from it. However, again, that's it. Even though our "love" life has improved, it has gotten better from horrible (about once every 2-3 months) to bad (see below).

We have made love twice in the last 3 months, although she'll say it's 5 times (I have a hard time thinking it's "love" when she takes her underpants off and tells me to hurry up and then ignore me when it's over, as the other 3 times from her end insinuate).

I don't know what to do. I can tell that our "shrink" kind of agrees with me, but he won't say-so. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about feeling loved. That's frustrating.

We had a "love languages" talk some years ago about how to change our relationship and one person has tried and the other seems entitled to get what she wants. Her language is deeds. Since that talk, some years ago, I have become a man that does just as much housework as she does (laundry, cleaning, etc.) in addition to doing all of the stereotypical "man" work like the garbage and outside work. However, she has never cared that mine is physical touch and nothing has changed on her end.

It's not that I'm a nympho either. If I had sex twice per week, I'd be extremely happy. It's just that she thinks/expects that it should be twice per half year, which I think is bad. And, truly, I'd rather not have sex that often, as that only gives you hope that things will get better. I'd rather not do it at all with an understanding that we're only in it to raise the kids.

Yes. The kids. I am leaning to staying simply for them. My life isn't as important as theirs. No way! My only frustration is that they will grow up without seeing a truly happy Mom/Dad. I know my son will one day respect me b/c he'll be a man and I'm definitely going to tell him and his wife (when they are engaged) about how bad my life has been. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe a woman should "give in" in any circumstance (even if they marry my little guy), but to have a good marriage there needs to be balance and that includes a love life. I simply don't want his life/marriage to be as sad as I perceive mine to be.

I guess that by typing this, I'm suggesting that I stay for my kids But there will always be a hole in my heart.

It's really sad that by the time my kids graduate that I'll be too old (I think) to have a real love life. And I'd rather be there for them on a daily basis than have sex with a lover. However, all that lost time will make me resent my wife even more of having an unfulfilled life. But, by that time, we'll just simply co-exist.

I guess this is a sad post and I don't mean to be a downer, but if anyone has any advice, I'd certainly appreciate it!
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Old 09-16-2012, 10:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You are trying to get more sex. That is completely different than fixing your sex life.
To have any chance at fixing it you would have to know why she dislikes it.
The fact that you are willing to have 'hurry up and finish', sex shows a lack of self respect.

Stop doing all this act of service stuff. And when she complains, let her know that you are glad to talk when she is willing to tell you why she has no desire for you.
And then stay the course. Friendly, polite and reserved until she is actually willing to speak.
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Old 09-16-2012, 11:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
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Old 09-16-2012, 12:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

Well, start talking with her.

Does she know that you aren't happy with your sex life?
And tell her you need more sex, and the ask how you can help? Don't do this confrontationally.
Ask her what you need to do. It is a two-way street.

And tell her what you do. Maybe keep a log of how much work you do a week? Like, how your hours at work, the amount of time you work at home, etc.
I am willing to bet you probably put in 60+ hours a week working, and she puts in probably 30-40. She should have more than enough energy to have sex.

You two need to start talking!!!

And if she refuses to do anything about it (as in, she says "I am fine with our sex life and don't want it to change, nor am I going to change") I can give you two pieces of advice:
Buy a sex doll. They make some that are hotter and better than your wife, but it may cost you a shiny penny (like $4000). But hey, it will do you, when you want, and never be tired.
Or I can tell you how to kill your sex drive. But this comes with A LOT of side effects, so I would suggest the sex doll first.
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Old 09-16-2012, 12:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

So sorry you are going through this. I know the pain of having a partner that doesn't view sex as important. I also did the love languages test, but my husband would not do it. I am the need for touch and words of affirmation type too.

I would not like it if my husband just hurried up and finished. Thats how our relationship used to be for many years. SEx was only once every 3 months when he wanted it, but it was so rushed and over too fast with not a lot of love.
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Old 09-16-2012, 12:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Mem is right. If service is her need and touch is your need, why do you continue to me ether need when she doesn't meet yours? I'd be making myself scarce.
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Old 09-16-2012, 06:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

Quote:
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Mem is right. If service is her need and touch is your need, why do you continue to me ether need when she doesn't meet yours? I'd be making myself scarce.
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Old 09-16-2012, 07:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadlonely View Post
I love my wife. She's beautiful, a wonderful person, a great Mom, etc.

However, I am extremely lonely. I want a best friend/wife/lover. I have a good friend (her), but that's it. Nothing more. There's no "love" in our relationship. Sure, she'll say "I love you" quite a bit, but there are no (intimate) actions to back up the words. It's frustrating.

History lesson: I had sex one time with one person in my mid/late twenties (I'm now almost 40). I had always wanted to save myself for marriage (but screwed up once). It's not that I didn't have opportunities, as I was a college athlete and still work out quite a bit. She has had multiple lovers and has been married, too.

We are almost to our 10 year anniversary. We have two kids who are the love/pride of our life. However, we have almost no love life. We started couceling about 4 months ago, as that was a last resort and there have been good things that have come from it. However, again, that's it. Even though our "love" life has improved, it has gotten better from horrible (about once every 2-3 months) to bad (see below).

We have made love twice in the last 3 months, although she'll say it's 5 times (I have a hard time thinking it's "love" when she takes her underpants off and tells me to hurry up and then ignore me when it's over, as the other 3 times from her end insinuate).

I don't know what to do. I can tell that our "shrink" kind of agrees with me, but he won't say-so. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about feeling loved. That's frustrating.

We had a "love languages" talk some years ago about how to change our relationship and one person has tried and the other seems entitled to get what she wants. Her language is deeds. Since that talk, some years ago, I have become a man that does just as much housework as she does (laundry, cleaning, etc.) in addition to doing all of the stereotypical "man" work like the garbage and outside work. However, she has never cared that mine is physical touch and nothing has changed on her end.

It's not that I'm a nympho either. If I had sex twice per week, I'd be extremely happy. It's just that she thinks/expects that it should be twice per half year, which I think is bad. And, truly, I'd rather not have sex that often, as that only gives you hope that things will get better. I'd rather not do it at all with an understanding that we're only in it to raise the kids.

Yes. The kids. I am leaning to staying simply for them. My life isn't as important as theirs. No way! My only frustration is that they will grow up without seeing a truly happy Mom/Dad. I know my son will one day respect me b/c he'll be a man and I'm definitely going to tell him and his wife (when they are engaged) about how bad my life has been. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe a woman should "give in" in any circumstance (even if they marry my little guy), but to have a good marriage there needs to be balance and that includes a love life. I simply don't want his life/marriage to be as sad as I perceive mine to be.

I guess that by typing this, I'm suggesting that I stay for my kids But there will always be a hole in my heart.

It's really sad that by the time my kids graduate that I'll be too old (I think) to have a real love life. And I'd rather be there for them on a daily basis than have sex with a lover. However, all that lost time will make me resent my wife even more of having an unfulfilled life. But, by that time, we'll just simply co-exist.

I guess this is a sad post and I don't mean to be a downer, but if anyone has any advice, I'd certainly appreciate it!
When you tell your wife how unhappy & sad you are, what does she say?

When you tell her that you feel so unloved & that you are only staying in the marriage for your children, what does she say?

Are you completely honest with her about your sexual needs or do you simply suffer in silence?
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Old 09-17-2012, 06:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

The first thing you must recognize is that your wife is a sexual person and if she is not having sex with you, she is ripe to be brought into an affair. Now you will read this and think NO WAY she just isn't into sex any more and that's the problem.... But go read about coping with infidelity and you will see all the prudish wives who are suddenly having torrid sexual affairs.

I am saying this becuase there is an urgency for getting this fixed, and if you make the choice to stay together for the kids assuming a status quo will be maintianed, you could be in for a shock down the road.

I think you are on the right track with love languages but with the love languages book can be misused. I think personally it's a mistake to let your wife "take the test" and tell you what her love languages are. I personally think it's better to read it, and then you go on a project of discovery. And read, His Needs, Her Needs also. What you want to do is try things and discover what lights up your wife's face. What does she react emotionlly to that you do?

It seems to me, she told you that her love language was Acts of Service, and you then ramp it up in that area, and what then occured? Did your wife's demenaor and attidue about life in general improve? If not, then you hare not meeting her emotionl needs.

Part of the problem is that she will not feel you are being genuine if you are taking a page from a book and doing it, especially if the implied quid pro quo is more sex for you.

The other end of the puzzle is that if you want a sexual, affectionate marriage, you have to initiate normal non sexual physical contact in a confident way. Things you want in your marraige have to be imiplemented from a position of strength and confidence (the opposite of weakly begging). If you want to hug your wife, you are doing someting completely normal in the context of a marriage. If you want to initiate sex, you are doing something completely normal in the context of marriage. Own it, but don't get overly emotional when you get turned down.

There is a lot to this subject... Read the many posts in this forum to get a sense of where you are at and what you need to do. Stick with MEN who are in sexless marraiges... It's apples and oranges women who need more sex vs men who need more sex.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love My Wife, But Lonely (and will not cheat)

Sorry to read your story...

From what I read, 4 months of counselling and what she got out of it was to give you what you "said" you wanted... more sex. But it's BAD sex, pity sex.

The counselling didn't seem to find the real issue, then?

You also do state what you really want, which is a truly intimate relationship. In all aspects.

The romantic love isn't there. Nor is the desire for you, in a way that you want.

Yes, more sex is the goal. But sometimes, for some women, that just isn't going to happen unless the rest of the relationship is fixed.
How do you find that romantic love again?
Depends on why she's checked out.
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