I love my wife. She's beautiful, a wonderful person, a great Mom, etc.
However, I am extremely lonely. I want a best friend/wife/lover. I have a good friend (her), but that's it. Nothing more. There's no "love" in our relationship. Sure, she'll say "I love you" quite a bit, but there are no (intimate) actions to back up the words. It's frustrating.
History lesson: I had sex one time with one person in my mid/late twenties (I'm now almost 40). I had always wanted to save myself for marriage (but screwed up once). It's not that I didn't have opportunities, as I was a college athlete and still work out quite a bit. She has had multiple lovers and has been married, too.
We are almost to our 10 year anniversary. We have two kids who are the love/pride of our life. However, we have almost no love life. We started couceling about 4 months ago, as that was a last resort and there have been good things that have come from it. However, again, that's it. Even though our "love" life has improved, it has gotten better from horrible (about once every 2-3 months) to bad (see below).
We have made love twice in the last 3 months, although she'll say it's 5 times (I have a hard time thinking it's "love" when she takes her underpants off and tells me to hurry up and then ignore me when it's over, as the other 3 times from her end insinuate).
I don't know what to do. I can tell that our "shrink" kind of agrees with me, but he won't say-so. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about feeling loved. That's frustrating.
We had a "love languages" talk some years ago about how to change our relationship and one person has tried and the other seems entitled to get what she wants. Her language is deeds. Since that talk, some years ago, I have become a man that does just as much housework as she does (laundry, cleaning, etc.) in addition to doing all of the stereotypical "man" work like the garbage and outside work. However, she has never cared that mine is physical touch and nothing has changed on her end.
It's not that I'm a nympho either. If I had sex twice per week, I'd be extremely happy. It's just that she thinks/expects that it should be twice per half year, which I think is bad. And, truly, I'd rather not have sex that often, as that only gives you hope that things will get better. I'd rather not do it at all with an understanding that we're only in it to raise the kids.
Yes. The kids. I am leaning to staying simply for them. My life isn't as important as theirs. No way! My only frustration is that they will grow up without seeing a truly happy Mom/Dad. I know my son will one day respect me b/c he'll be a man and I'm definitely going to tell him and his wife (when they are engaged) about how bad my life has been. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe a woman should "give in" in any circumstance (even if they marry my little guy), but to have a good marriage there needs to be balance and that includes a love life. I simply don't want his life/marriage to be as sad as I perceive mine to be.
I guess that by typing this, I'm suggesting that I stay for my kids
But there will always be a hole in my heart.
It's really sad that by the time my kids graduate that I'll be too old (I think) to have a real love life. And I'd rather be there for them on a daily basis than have sex with a lover. However, all that lost time will make me resent my wife even more of having an unfulfilled life. But, by that time, we'll just simply co-exist.
I guess this is a sad post and I don't mean to be a downer, but if anyone has any advice, I'd certainly appreciate it!