Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I Sex has been a challenge, especially since our daughter was born.
Any kind of physical intimacy seems difficult. My wife rarely initiates physical contact like kissing, cuddling, or hand-holding. She gets grossed out if I french kiss (she recently told me that she has to be turned on already for french kissing to not be gross). When I try to cuddle she gets uncomfortable and shrinks away quickly. There are even times when I can't touch her (in non-sensitive areas) without her getting uneasy or jumpy.
She has lately been making me sleep in the living room because of my snoring. Although I get rejected a lot, sex does happen about once a week. But I have to initiate it and do most the work. Many times I can tell she's not really enjoying it herself. Every lovemaking session she asks me several times if I'm sure I'm OK, which tells me "I'm bored, are you sure you're OK?" I appreciate that she is willing to have sex sometimes, but I long for a relationship where my wife passionately desires erotic, sensual sex from me.
I suggested we leave our 18-month-old with grandma and get away together last Labor Day, but she declined. Said she wasn't interested in my "sex fest".
We went on vacation to Kauai and stayed in a beautiful hotel, but even then we only had sex one time. And she was so tired she just wanted to get it over with quickly so we could get some sleep.
I'd love to shower together, but she hates it because somebody is always out in the cold. So we almost never do.
We didn't have sex before marriage (we both have a strong religious background), and on our wedding night she was even afraid to get undressed in front of me.
So what do I do? I love my wife and daughter dearly but the longer I go without sexual satisfaction the harder it gets. I work out and diet religiously so I'm in great shape, and I find myself imagining more and more what could happen if we got a divorce. However I don't think I could do that because I still love her and it breaks my heart to think what would happen to our daughter.
Can people change or are we both just stuck with our different sex drives for good?
It sounds as if your wife doesn't feel emotionally connected to you, and she probably needs that in order to really desire sex. Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex. There may also be an element of feeling "touched out" if she spends all day with a toddler clinging to her, pulling her hair and dribbling various things on her.
I highly, highly recommend you both read His Needs, Her Needs. Find out what her emotional needs are, and if you aren't meeting them, start doing so. She should also realize that she needs to meet your emotional needs (which includes sex) if she wants a strong happy marriage.
And try to discuss with her if her religious upbringing makes her feel that sex, even in a marriage, is somehow dirty or wrong. That type of problem might need the aid of a faith-based counselor who really advocates great married sex.
As Hicks said, usually wives in sexless marriages have normal desire, they're just not attracted to their husbands. However, because your wife was a virgin and is devout, she may have unhealthy attitudes toward sex in general. Also, many new moms tend to sour on sex and have a hard time getting back in the saddle (so to speak).
First, you have to determine if you're actively suppressing her sex drive. And ignore all the crap you see and hear about doing the dishes more often to take the burden off your wife. Usually, that just results in the wife seeing the husband as the maid. And that's not sexy. I mean don't come home from work and jump on the couch for an XBox marathon, or 5 hours of Tivo. That's also not sexy.
My sex life dried up when she became a mom too. That happens a lot. They have a kid hanging on them all the time and are just so overstimulated that additional physical contact just irritates them. Aside from the lack of sex or physical affection how is your relationship? How are you handling the lack of affection? What kinds of things does she complain about on a day-today basis?
Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex.
__________________ Laugh and laughing fall apart If that c*nt were chocolate he'd lick himself. ~DS "If saying something in real life would get your face slammed into a wall, don't f***ing type it, either, you c**t" ~Davelli
[QUOTE=Rowan;1078724] Her comment about your planned "sex fest" leads me to think that your wife may feel (whether it's true or not from your perspective) as if the only time/reason you really pay attention to her is when you want sex. There may also be an element of feeling "touched out" if she spends all day with a toddler clinging to her, pulling her hair and dribbling various things on her.
Although I can understand the "sex fest" comment. I feel it is bathed in negativity. She is only seeing you as this sex crazed creature and is in a way saying so to either shame you or make you back off or both. If she feels like the only time you pay attention to her is when you want sex that's her perspective and in some way she has gotten to the point where she is representing all you do for her is an effort to get sex. Sad that she has to do that to herself as it would be just as easy to frame your actions to herself in other ways.
It is very possible that she is getting "touched out". I suggested relieving her of the baby/parenting for extended periods of time. I also suggest as other posters have the MMSLP.
__________________
Before I got married I said to my wife that I would make all the major decisions and she would be allowed to make all the minor decisions in our marriage. Thankfully up to this point I haven't had to make any major decisions.
it is likely her strong religion values may have a hand in this. She may believe that sex is onlyfor you and may not She may believe sex is for her man and not for her enjoyment. As others have mentioned she may be tapped out with the demands of the baby. It is not clear if she may just not love/like you (sorry but, can’t rule it out) or if you perhaps treat her like s#% except when you want a little lovin’. It is surprising when you hear someone complain about sex only to find out about an affair of that they are trying not to beat their wives anymore (hypothetical). You may want to find out if there is resentment that can be worked out as this is frequently the cause. That mercy sex thing sucks and hurts. Good luck.
as drover said, after a baby, you just get "touched out", there is always somebody in need of your attention, personal space, and in need of hugs, and things of that sort.
sex, its very complicated, if you dont use it you forget how it works, and you forget desire, you forget longing, you forget need. it must be worked at everyday. but, both people have to be willing to work at not forgetting.
its a fine balancing act between parenthood, and husband/wife relationship. kids are great, but they have this way of taking over lives, and suddenly you wake up, and everything revolves around them.
mores the pity that both persons have to want to put the marriage before kids, and make sex a tippy top priority. i think a frank and honest talk can help, not a instant problem solver in this instance, but help open up about feelings.
Thank you everybody for the comments, they gave me the encouragement I need to talk to her more directly about it. So last night when we were in bed (she wasn't making me sleep in the living room) I asked if we could sleep together naked (no sex) - this is something we've never really done. This led to a tearful argument about how I should accept her and not make her do things she's uncomfortable with. And then I did sleep in the living room.
To be fair she is early on in a pregnancy right now - not showing yet but still uncomfortable with herself for it, and she is more emotional. I have never hurt her (on purpose), and never cheated on her emotionally or physically, and have not viewed pornography during our marriage. I also try to wake up early and get a head start on work so we have more time together, but sometimes things come up and I have to work later. I'm not the best talker or listener either. Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about (is it normal to just watch TV or have silence since neither one knows what to talk about?) This week I've been researching something and talking to her about it, and she keeps telling me how much she likes it just because I'm talking. However when there's silence it's because neither one is talking ... Another thing I do is when I'm concentrating on something hard enough I sometimes don't process when people tell me something. I know how annoying that can be but I find myself doing it anyway.
She also wants more quality time together, but it's HARD to come up with a creative date every week! And most the time when I'm home, especially since we've had out daughter, we just spend our time together cooking, cleaning, watching TV, or playing with/taking care of our daughter.
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Is my wife just not a sexual person? 
