Dealing with husband's past sexual experience when wife has none at all
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-30-2009, 12:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Dealing with husband's past sexual experience when wife has none at all

I recently got married to my husband, someone with totally different background than me in nationality, culture, way of life and religion. He surprised me with a proposal last year saying that I was his first and only love. That I was the only person he ever said the word love to though he had dated a lot of other girls. And that the only thing he ever wanted was to be with me and to make me happy.

After several traumatic break-ups in the past, I was really touched to know someone can really love me that much despite the lack of time that we ever really spent time together. So I decided to said yes to his proposal and thought I can just deal with all the differences issues later on.

I was a virgin until my wedding day due to religious reason. My husband told me (before the wedding) that he had done sex with some women and I would not be his first. I said to him, at that time, that it will not be a problem since I kinda expected that from someone who is European and agnostic.

We talked about sex a lot before the wedding as his way to make me get used to the idea of having sex. I was shy at first but started to enjoy it later on. He also shared his experience with me, about what kind of position that he thinks is best for sex, what he did to the exes, and all other things without any intention to boast around, he just wanted me to know that he knows enough about sex, he knows women well and how to pleasure them, and therefore I should not be afraid about sex, particularly if I was about to do it with him.

Well, he didn't touch me on our wedding night because we were both too tired from the ceremony and celebration. We only started to have sex on our 3rd day of the honeymoon but without any success because I was in so much pain when he tried to penetrate. When he finally succeeded, it took me probably a month until I started to enjoy sex but without any luck of getting orgasm until now (five months of marriage already).

After the honeymoon, he needed to go back to his study, which I have to admit is very demanding, and resulted in less frequency of sex (2 times/ week). It's just that, since we talked so much about sex before the wedding, I got the impression that we will do it everyday or even several times a day, at least during the first few months of our marriage life.

Most of my friends in my country keep their virginity until the wedding (be it a woman or a man), so after the wedding, they would be humping like bunnies almost all the time. I guess it's the kind of reaction you have when you are very new and excited about sex. I am kinda sad that my husband doesn't feel like that towards me while on the other hand, I feel like I am always ready for sex and even dreaming about doing it three times a day.

My husband said that his excitement to sex has worn out a bit since he's been doing it for 5 years. He used to be like that with his exes, but not anymore now with me, especially since we live together 24/7, he feels like he can get sex anytime he wants it, and it kinda takes his excitement away (he never lived together with his exes and usually only met the gf on weekends). I was really jealous when I heard this. How come he was able to get "that" up three or four times a day for his exes, but not for me? Am I not sexy enough for him?

I became more disappointed when on the third month of our life together I found his chat log with one of his ex. It started with the ex feeling down and my husband tried to cheer her up by saying that she should not feel that way because to him she was a great woman, in fact the best sex partner my husband ever had. And there they started to reminisce about their great sex life, all their favorite position, their kinky games, the best orgasm they ever had and so on.

There were also some comparison about how this ex have better boobs than mine, better curves, and how it was always a great experience to see her getting her multiple orgasm. At the end of their conversation there was this detailed discussion about the ex's boobs and how my husband tried to seduce her to show them to him via webcam. I never know if she decided to flash the boobs or not though I know both of them put the webcam on. Husband said to me later on that there was never a button opened during that conversation both from his or her side. But I don't really believe it.

I was mad, confused, disgusted, crushed, and sad when I read that chatlog. I talked to him about that, and my husband said that he was deeply sorry and promise me that he will never do that again. And that he loves me, and that he never loved the ex, and how their relationship was based on sex only.

On that night, I was happy to hear his apology. I felt better to know that he loves me, and never the ex.

But then happiness started to wear off quite soon and I began to feel mad again. I am now jealous to all my husband's exes. I dont trust my husband like I used to, and always feel insecure because I always wonder if he is satisfied with our sex life or if he has any regret marrying me.

Actually, the sex got better after that episode. Though I still don't get my orgasm, but I enjoy it more with time. Husband seemed to get better and better orgasm with me and that makes me happy.

But I still can not stop worrying that he still has his ex or any other girl in his mind. That he is still comparing me with some one else. That though he said our sexlife has turned to be really great now, I still think that he was just saying that to make me happy. I mean...what kind of man would forget a woman with tremendous boobs, great hip movement when she was on top, and the screaming of joy when she had her mutliple orgasm?

All these thoughts are killing me, and I really hate it that I don't have anything to get back to my husband. I wish, I really wish that I had too experience with other guys, better guys that he can be jelous about.

I know that due to my religious belief, I am pretty sure I will never have sex with anyone than my husband. But I can not trust my husband will do the same thing for me. I know that in the past he cheated his gf several times, I know he slept with some girl he just met during travelling while the gf was waiting patiently in his home country. I know he hugged, kissed, made out and even had sex with girls on first dates. I know that he had some one-night stand experience.

Those kind of things are very out-of-this-world to me. Of course I know they happen everywhere in the world (including in my country), but never in my family or in my circle of friends, where most of the people are very religious.

I have to say it's my mistake not to think about it and prepared my self to it before the wedding. But now it's too late for that. I am not prepared to face this kind of problem but I need to find away to fix it.

I need to stop thinking about my husband's past. I need to stop getting angry about his chat with the ex gf. I need to stop trusting my husband again, to trust his words when he said he's happy with me. To trust him when he said he will never want to have sex with anyone else but me. To trust him that he does enjoy sex very much with me. To trust him that he does really want me sexually. To understand that when he's not having sex with me it doesn't mean he does not want me. To accept that sex 2 times a week are good enough, even for newly weds like us. To stop comparing my sex life with others that always sound to be better than mine. And I need to stop thinking that my husband will cheat on me.

But I don't know how.
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Old 06-02-2009, 12:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with husband's past sexual experience when wife has none at all

Wow how can you truly trust a man who crushed your self confidence with another woman? Kudos on being a virgin. I wish I could have had that culture it would have helped me with my husband who comes from a culture similar to yours. I love him, first man I ever loved. I would never make him doubt himself. Love doesn't do that. He sounds like he has to build up his ego by stating his sexual prowess. he probably just needed an ego fix from the ex. His ego seems to be wrapped around his prowess in making women orgasm. Have you considered faking it until you get to the point of a real orgasm. A little ego boosting never hurts the sex life. In fact I find it stimulating to gain bedroom confidence.
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Old 06-03-2009, 03:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with husband's past sexual experience when wife has none at all

You have a right to be angry with him connecting with an ex gf like that. I'd give him one chance, like you have and as you have written, it isn't easy. If it happens again, well, you will have to cross that bridge when it comes.

Orgasms can take time, so don't be too hard on yourself. Agree that you may need to do some faking to boost HIS ego a bit. Orgasms are learned from what I've experienced, and often, unless a woman feels very secure in "letting go" with a man, it is difficult to orgasm. Sometimes you just have to let your "head" go, and let go to have one.
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Old 06-04-2009, 11:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with husband's past sexual experience when wife has none at all

I agree it will be more healthy for you to stop thinking about his past. However, the chat with his ex was not past and can fully understand your mistrust and fears. It will take time for him to regain your trust, and it really is up to him to make you feel loved and secure within your marriage since he broke your trust with the chat.

As far as orgasm, many women do not achieve orgasm through intercourse but are able to with stimulation of the clitoris. Has he tried this approach? If it's not against your religious beliefs, you may want to try this yourself to learn your body and what feels good...otherwise, if he has not tried this, it may be a good place to start.
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