Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-23-2012, 05:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

Hello to all! As you can probably tell, I am brand new to the site...

I am desperately in need of some constructive feedback! This is honestly the first time I've ever "talked" (ha, ha) with someone other than the husband about our sex problems. I promise I will keep things as simple and straightforward as possible!

Here goes...we got married this April much to my delight (and his). We're both in our early twenties (23 and 25). Since then, I have discovered that our sex drives are very disparate---I'm extremely high drive (4 to 5 times a week at least) and he is very low (he doesn't give any sign of noticing if we haven't had sex for the past 3 weeks). We might have had sex once on our little two day honeymoon, I don't remember.

I have attempted to communicate with him about this difference, as it makes me feel frustrated, sad, and lonely. He gets mad whenever I bring it up, and tells me that "sex always creates problems", "he doesn't like talking about it" and that "if I would tell him no once and a while then he'd initiate more often" (I would be hard to get?) At this point, I usually think to myself that if he would initiate more in the first place, then I wouldn't be afraid to say no! If I say no, who knows when I'll get the chance to have sex again?

I have attempted to initiate as well from all ranges and styles (everything from walking around naked/lingerie to slow approaches to sexy texts,ect ). At this point I'm stumped. I'm tired of trying to initiate and getting rejected and wondering if I'll get any this week at all. I've tried masturbation (which is usually daily b/c of my sex drive) to buy myself patience when I am ready to go, and he's not. Any advice? Is there anything I can do?!

I don't know if this is significant or not, but I don't orgasm unless I use a vibrator (and I've tried, believe me)...I think it's the stupid SSRI medication I take. He does want to help me orgasm when he's in the mood for sex but he is adamant about not using a toy on me. And he said he is uncomfortable watching me show him or guide him during sex (I've offered in attempts to show him how I orgasm as it's not the same for every woman).

He has had multiple partners and a high sex drive previously. I've heard the stories (non fictional ones) about his previous encounters.
Help, please? How can I explain to him that sex is a form of intimacy and love to me? Any advice? Am I just doomed to a sexless marriage at the age of 23? Thank you!
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

If you read around alot you will see a this is a constant source of frustration. I'm HD wife LD and its been an issue for 13 years. I don't know why we don't work this out before things get serious. Its something that both of you will have to deal with together wish there was a magic pill but aint one out there. I've been in your situation a long time and just a few months ago we had a all weekend long conversation about it and I think she knew that our marriage would not last if things did not change. I can tell you this get this worked out before you have kids because this may be something you can't live with. No matter how much you love someone there is things that will make you walk away and resentment is one. wish you well.
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

First off, 4 to 5 times a week in your mid-twenties is not "extremely high drive". I'd consider that pleasantly normal. Heck, I'm in my 40's, and daily is fine by me and my GF!

Second, something is off with your husband, and digging to find out what may be unpleasant. The conversations will be uncomfortable, and trying to get past the "nothing's wrong" will likely be like pulling teeth and about as much fun. It could be something physical, emotional, mental... Nobody can tell you but him.

Why do you believe the stories about his past sex life are true? How long did you date, and how was your sex life before marriage? How are things for both of you and your marriage outside of the sex? Has there been any life changes lately? And as uncomfortable as it may be, can you say with absolute certainty there's nobody else in the picture for him? Does he watch porn, BTW?

C
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Confused Newlywed View Post
Hello to all! As you can probably tell, I am brand new to the site...

I am desperately in need of some constructive feedback! This is honestly the first time I've ever "talked" (ha, ha) with someone other than the husband about our sex problems. I promise I will keep things as simple and straightforward as possible!

Here goes...we got married this April much to my delight (and his). We're both in our early twenties (23 and 25). Since then, I have discovered that our sex drives are very disparate---I'm extremely high drive (4 to 5 times a week at least) and he is very low (he doesn't give any sign of noticing if we haven't had sex for the past 3 weeks). We might have had sex once on our little two day honeymoon, I don't remember.

I have attempted to communicate with him about this difference, as it makes me feel frustrated, sad, and lonely. He gets mad whenever I bring it up, and tells me that "sex always creates problems", "he doesn't like talking about it" and that "if I would tell him no once and a while then he'd initiate more often" (I would be hard to get?) At this point, I usually think to myself that if he would initiate more in the first place, then I wouldn't be afraid to say no! If I say no, who knows when I'll get the chance to have sex again?

I have attempted to initiate as well from all ranges and styles (everything from walking around naked/lingerie to slow approaches to sexy texts,ect ). At this point I'm stumped. I'm tired of trying to initiate and getting rejected and wondering if I'll get any this week at all. I've tried masturbation (which is usually daily b/c of my sex drive) to buy myself patience when I am ready to go, and he's not. Any advice? Is there anything I can do?!

I don't know if this is significant or not, but I don't orgasm unless I use a vibrator (and I've tried, believe me)...I think it's the stupid SSRI medication I take. He does want to help me orgasm when he's in the mood for sex but he is adamant about not using a toy on me. And he said he is uncomfortable watching me show him or guide him during sex (I've offered in attempts to show him how I orgasm as it's not the same for every woman).

He has had multiple partners and a high sex drive previously. I've heard the stories (non fictional ones) about his previous encounters.
Help, please? How can I explain to him that sex is a form of intimacy and love to me? Any advice? Am I just doomed to a sexless marriage at the age of 23? Thank you!
Welcome to the site, Confused! It sounds like your dilemma is opposite what often happens, i.e., hubby is the horndog and wife thinks he's overbearing. It's a red flag if he gets mad about your wanting sex.

Is he just a tad immature? Do you feel he is 'all grown up' in most other areas of your new life together? Is he ok, i.e., responsible, when it comes to money?

I would sit him down and lay out what the rules are, that you want sex and you don't want him throwing a tantrum when you want or need it. You married him afterall for various reasons, sex being one of the more significant, right?

He has issues, you are just fine, and he needs to man up and get over his weird and abnormal aversion to sexual activities with you, his wife!!
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

Thank you both for your responses! I appreciate it greatly!

In answer to your questions, I know he was in a rough relationship a few years ago with a women who was extremely open to sex. With anyone, any time, ect during their "exclusive" relationship. I don't know how I can help here, as he won't go to counseling for it; I've asked. He has reiterated multiple times that he trusts me explicitly-and I believe him.
As for the stories, he's the one who has told me in WAY too much detail about the women he's had sex with. What positions they liked, what things they were into (anal play, and so forth), and how often one could orgasm by phone sex with him. (Makes my inability to orgasm shameful).
He does watch porn once and a while. I've found videos, and websites, and saved pictures. I've talked with him about it and how I find it offensive; he says porn is for him what my vibrator is for me. (I find this ridiculous, as I could easily masturbate a few times a day and be ready to go whenever he wanted). Of course, when I find recent porn, I know I won't get any for longer. He's scratched his itch, so why go through the trouble of sex?
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

I agree the porn is a big problem if its coming between you and him so that needs to be dealt with. alot of women think porn is disgusting my wife included probably because women link sex to love and emotions more and men can link to love or just physical pleasure. I would also tell him that you dont want to here about his past girlfriends and he should respect that. He should make it a personal goal to help with your orgasms I know I want my wife to orgasm every time and its like a mission for me
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Old 10-23-2012, 06:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

I wonder, did he lie about his sex life before you? Guys tend to lie about their own past to make themselves look better and more experienced than we really are.

You may want to get his test levels checked out. I know he is young, but it is entirely possible his test levels are falling.

If he needs something to get himself to 'stand up' I can give you some ideas on how to make him so you don't have to.....
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

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I agree the porn is a big problem if its coming between you and him so that needs to be dealt with. alot of women think porn is disgusting my wife included probably because women link sex to love and emotions more and men can link to love or just physical pleasure. I would also tell him that you dont want to here about his past girlfriends and he should respect that. He should make it a personal goal to help with your orgasms I know I want my wife to orgasm every time and its like a mission for me

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Old 10-23-2012, 08:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

Mid-20's and a newlywed? He should be dried up from all the loads being dropped. And what's his aversion towards you using toys? If he isn't up to the challenge, he's lucky that's all you're doing.

He needs to step up to the plate.
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

Differences in desire is not unusual even early in marriage. Remember that sex is a form of communication and as such can easily become part of a pursue - distance dance. The more you pursue the worse things will get. The most important change is to change the dance. Create some confusion by not pursuing. Then try to have non pressured discussions about sex to find out more about each other.
If possible seek a qualified sex therapist to facilitate the discussion
David Olseen, PhD, LCSW
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

i think she knew that our marriage would not last if things did not change. I can tell you this get this worked out before
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:55 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

This is a tough one. I'm going through the same thing. I didn't hear anything about my W other than what she told me in detail from what I asked. Now for me I was getting treated how I thought was perfect the first 6 months we dated. After that life happened, I changed, she changed, live in separate homes but still off and on dated. I never asked her about that period of time because I didn't care. We split up again when I moved for training. I had the option to bring her but I wanted a divorce and I didn't want to continue the same sexless bs. Mind those are things that lead to an affair and I wish I had been mature enough before to just look further into counseling instead of such an extreme. We got back togther after being separated for 3 months and this time I asked for details. She provided some but she really won't go into detail because she doesn't want me to open up about what I did while we were apart. It always kills about how people split up from someone they truely love and won't fulfill their spouses need. As soon as they meet some new that person gets bumped up to priority 1. I don't know if it that initial phase of having someone new or maybe they are just everything else you wanted better from your last relationship. I even told my W when we reconciled that all I wanted the most was for her to treat me better than she did and better than those guys. I try not to complain about it but I don't feel I've been treated better yet. I think this is a deeper issue than just you two. He probably needs some self counseling. Its not like your sex drive changes for people unless there is an underlying problem you have witin yourself or for that particular person. For me, I think my W may have resent for a lot of things especially pertaining from the affair I had. I think things will be better once we go to MC and she will actually have some closure. I think out of all the questions she asked me about it she never asked why I did or why I let it go on for so long.
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Old 10-24-2012, 08:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

So you didn't know about his sex drive (or lack of one) while you were dating?
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Old 10-25-2012, 04:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vastly different sex drive in marriage--help please?

You have to talk to him. He has to talk to you. Communication is 100% the root of this. I was in a sexless relationship/marriage for 16 years. Unfortunately the divorce is final soon. Lack of sex was a HUGE issue but that was cause by a total lack of communication.

A healthy open sexual relationship is vital to your well being. I firmly believe that. In my new relationship where the sex is amazing, like crazy amazing and plentiful I have been far less stressed and so much happier. Also we talk and communicate about everything. There is no judging or taboo subjects. And we have talked about them all...

Please, just communicate!
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