lofton91

I'm wondering if anyone can suggest some self-help/relationship books that may address some of the problems i'm going to list.

The wife and I have been married for 5 years. we have two children, with the youngest being over a year old. My wife has always suffered from libido problems. She has went to various doctors looking for causes(low test/estrogen) but there seems to be no cause. I cannot get her to go to therapy, but she's an avid reader and has read a few books on the subject, but truthfully, i could have written then better than the authors did! We have sex once a month(if that), and it's on our scheduled night. other than that, she could care less if i even touch her the rest of the time. Sex with us is more of a job for her, until she gets into it, then she's fine and enjoys herself.

I cannot stress to her what affect this is having on our marriage. I've tried to talk to her, but she claims it's all about timing, and her feeling "sexy". Since the beginning of our relationship we've had issues in this area, it's almost as if she is a-sexual and needs no interaction from me.

Does anyone know of any books out there that may address some of these problems?

827Aug

Having young children and being tired doesn't help. It could be that you just don't have matching sex drives. But, if you are hunting something for her to read (and you too) that will have a positive influence on your marriage, then I have a recommendation. Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is obvious that your primary love language is probably "physical touch and intimacy" while hers is something else. Once her "language needs" are met, you will get more intimacy. At least that's how it is supposed to work since medical reasons have been ruled out. That's how my marriage feel apart anyway. The stbx wanted sex, but wasn't willing to show me any love in my "love languages". It became an endless cycle of no one getting what they had to have from the marriage.

dcrim

Try the Kama Sutra for reading material.

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It ain't illegal until you're caught!

Sandy55

It is great you are trying!

Bet you are constantly trying to get her over that hump of getting started and "then she's fine and enjoys herself..." .

FIRST thing is that if she THINKS you are trying to help and it APPEARS as if it is to HELP yourself get more sex...well, THAT isn't going to help. The pressure for her to "want" sex for YOU to get more sex, must stop. Pressure on a woman to want more sex so her husband can get more sex is kind of shallow to us women.

Summarizing your points:
She's had this issue since the beginning of your relationship. Unusual a woman would not go to therapy for this - is she shy about it and feeling pressured to "fix" her?
All about timing?
Doesn't feel "sexy".
Scheduled sex?

If she has had this problem for so long, and you knew of the problem, why did you marry her? OR was it you did you not realize the EXTENT of the issue, and the issue NOW seems to be that sex is getting less and less and you feel like a man in the Sahara?

It is odd she won't go to therapy; is she afraid of being embarrased, is she afraid of revealing some secret? Does she not believe in therapy or that intimacy such as sex is a non-discussion subject? She really does need help if she has some psychological issues going on surrounding sex (abuse, etc).

Sex for women is ALL about timing, trust me. Read the ovulation thread. It is also about timing which coincides with HER ability to put all WORRIES out of her head. Like someone said: Sex for men is about getting relaxed THROUGH sex, sex for women is being relaxed enough to get TO sex. Sex is not very enjoyable if she is laying there calculating how many ounces of powdered formula is left in the jar and if there is enough for the night feeding that is about to happen in....2.25 hours. If a child is going to HEAR you two, if she is breast feeding, if, if, if is what a woman's sexual desire seems tagged to. YES frustrating for men, but it is ALSO a frustration for women and for men who put pressure on, well THAT is one more IF for HER. IF only she would relax...well, expressing that IF creates the INABILITY to relax. W

Why is your sex life "scheduled". Scheduled sex is about as sexy as - well, you SEE how much you get scheduled sex, "iffy" isn't it? Does she see it as a chore like scheduling your "service" as if she is taking you to the dog groomer?? What is that?

She doesn't feel sexy? Well, I KNOW myself and this is a truth for a lot of women: if they are feeling fat and overweight or actually ARE fat or overweight and don't FEEL as if they don't look sexy, then that is it. If she doesn't feel sexy because you make her feel like she must perform and be wanting sex and you make it feel to her like she is inadequate for her "fault" then no, she isn't going to feel sexy.

You guys do need counseling, IMHO. But I am just suggesting that would help far better than a book.

A large book under her hips perhaps? Are YOU doing things that make her want YOU?

Bath, shave, special days and nights alone once a month, a break from the kids for 24 hours BEFORE you get her a massage and day at the spa, then more time, not EXPECTING her to put out...lots of TLC



How old is she?

MarkTwain

lofton91-

Was her libido higher at one time?

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MT

DownButNotOut

Book: Mars and Venus in the Bedroom

From the same guy that wrote Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus.

It's a good read, and might help you both understand the other's situation.

michzz

Insist on counseling. Make it a deal breaker.

She is hiding from you sexually.

MsLady

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (cheesy title, AWESOME book.

Mating in Captivity (brilliant, brilliant book)

If she's been like this from the beginning, sure, she may change with some exploration of whether there are any issues behind this for her ... or this may just be her baseline!

It's amazing how much we choose to ignore about our partners when we're first dating (I did the SAME thing so I know how that works) but you knew she wasn't very sexual from the start ... so is it really a "problem" she's got or have you rephrased it as a "problem" now that it's truly bothering you.

Start by becoming clear that his is a relationship problem and not her problem ... it will help shift your language and attitude in a direction that will make her more receptive to working on it.

Also, when you say that "until she gets into it, then she's fine and enjoys herself" do you mean that she orgasms when you do have sex? This is a tricky one because many of us fake it and fake it well. I did that with my H for a long time ... never wanted it but when we did do it, I put in all my effort to pretend well. The sex, honestly, just wasn't satisfying for me and why would I want to have sex when I got nothing out of it but sexual frustration that let to me shutting down my body so I wouldn't be so frustrated, which led to my libido going down the tubes because I got so shutdown.

So please please please make sure to find out if she is, in fact, having orgasms during sex. Most women that are having awesome orgasms from sex are not turning that **** down so much.

Of course, having little ones to care for all the time doesn't help, but I doubt that's the full reason, unless you are totally hands-off and she's burnt out from housework and childcare. On this front, by all means help around the house and with the children ... because that's your duty as their father and her spouse. It will certainly lift a physical and mental burden from her that may allow more room for her sexuality to kick in .... BUT, don't think that cleaning a bit means sex. I hear this advice handed out too often (even by women themselves) and I think it's sad and a huge trap. Cleaning does not equal more sex. Cleaning equals a spouse that doesn't resent you for being a useless pig their cleaning after and a spouse that got in a long shower to relax. It certainly helps prevent active shutting down of any sex you may have gotten otherwise, but it doesn't actually bring on any extra sex.