Originally Posted by lofton91
Sex with us is more of a job for her, until she gets into it, then she's fine and enjoys herself.
It is great you are trying!
Bet you are constantly trying to get her over that hump of getting started and "then she's fine and enjoys herself..." .
FIRST thing is that if she THINKS you are trying to help and it APPEARS as if it is to HELP yourself get more sex...well, THAT isn't going to help. The pressure for her to "want" sex for YOU to get more sex, must stop. Pressure on a woman to want more sex so her husband can get more sex is kind of shallow to us women.
Summarizing your points:
She's had this issue since the beginning of your relationship. Unusual a woman would not go to therapy for this - is she shy about it and feeling pressured to "fix" her?
All about timing?
Doesn't feel "sexy".
If she has had this problem for so long, and you knew of the problem, why did you marry her? OR was it you did you not realize the EXTENT of the issue, and the issue NOW seems to be that sex is getting less and less and you feel like a man in the Sahara?
It is odd she won't go to therapy; is she afraid of being embarrased, is she afraid of revealing some secret? Does she not believe in therapy or that intimacy such as sex is a non-discussion subject? She really does need help if she has some psychological issues going on surrounding sex (abuse, etc).
Sex for women is ALL about timing, trust me. Read the ovulation thread. It is also about timing which coincides with HER ability to put all WORRIES out of her head. Like someone said: Sex for men is about getting relaxed THROUGH sex, sex for women is being relaxed enough to get TO sex. Sex is not very enjoyable if she is laying there calculating how many ounces of powdered formula is left in the jar and if there is enough for the night feeding that is about to happen in....2.25 hours. If a child is going to HEAR you two, if she is breast feeding, if, if, if is what a woman's sexual desire seems tagged to. YES frustrating for men, but it is ALSO a frustration for women and for men who put pressure on, well THAT is one more IF for HER. IF only she would relax...well, expressing that IF creates the INABILITY to relax. W
Why is your sex life "scheduled". Scheduled sex is about as sexy as - well, you SEE how much you get scheduled sex, "iffy" isn't it? Does she see it as a chore like scheduling your "service" as if she is taking you to the dog groomer?? What is that?
She doesn't feel sexy? Well, I KNOW myself and this is a truth for a lot of women: if they are feeling fat and overweight or actually ARE fat or overweight and don't FEEL as if they don't look sexy, then that is it. If she doesn't feel sexy because you make her feel like she must perform and be wanting sex and you make it feel to her like she is inadequate for her "fault" then no, she isn't going to feel sexy.
You guys do need counseling, IMHO. But I am just suggesting that would help far better than a book.
A large book under her hips perhaps?
Are YOU doing things that make her want YOU?
Bath, shave, special days and nights alone once a month, a break from the kids for 24 hours BEFORE you get her a massage and day at the spa, then more time, not EXPECTING her to put out...lots of TLC
How old is she?