Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Well, the first question I would ask is, what changed her mind about the oral and fingers?
The second thing would be to suggest that maybe it's become routine and vanilla...kind of boring...might not be for you, but for her, different story. And if she isn't into oral or anything, she may not be comfortable in discussing how she feels.
You might try spicing things up for her, woo her, be romantic, do something off the wall or different...try the Better Sex Video Series or Laura Corns sex books...there are great ideas and fun things to do...
JDPreacher - she had never really been into oral on herself. She always thought it was a little icky is best I can describe. But enjoyed it the few times she's let me go down. The fingers she became the same with. It's strange to me but she says she just enjoys intercourse.
Yes, we've done several videos and got some great ideas. And she is a spectacular lover - when we have sex. And she enjoys it all the time and even says things like "why the hell don't we do this more?" after we're done. But it never hurts to try some more fun things!
First, do what you can to help her get over her hangups. Counseling, reading, whatever. Having sex without orgasm is extremely frustrating and often downright annoying, and although you think she is climaxing 90% of the time, she could be faking it. You really need to let her know how serious an issue this is, because if you have reached the point you are considering cheating, it is already threatening your marriage. If she refuses to get the help she needs to feel comfortable with her sexuality, you need to discuss other possibilities, like open marriage or divorce. Don't be afraid to have these conversations; it would actually be a lot easier on you in the long run than sneaking around having affairs.
Second, stop thinking about the things you do around the house as a way to get more sex! She picks up on that and is resentful--you are only doing your part to get sex, not because you love her or because you see marriage as a partnership.
Maybe you could try seeing if she is willing to spend some time without intercourse, taking turns exploring one another's bodies. It could take a very long time for her to become comfortable with you touching and tasking her all over, with the lights on, etc. But this would be the goal, getting her to be so comfortable that she enjoys this.
Last of all, do not talk her into or accept a compromise, like 3x/week. She will grow to resent all the times she just "has to do it." This is a very dangerous path, so don't start down it.
i doubt this will change very much over time and you wil only grow more resentful of the fact. it doesnt sound like your changing her mind. which is a shame, but your not feeling very fullfilled and i think its sad.
i agree with sisters359, and i believe she wil be resentful if she has to do it. which hurts more you more.
Sisters359 - thanks for all the comments. I admit I could be wrong but I doubt that she's faking when she does O. there are times when she doesn't climax and she has no problems being open with it. There was one time she did fake it and I called her out on it (in a nice way) and we had a good laugh and she agreed it was silly and it wouldn't help improve our sex life if she was faking it. That was a couple of years ago. She really doesn't have a problem talking to me about not getting satisfied if it's becoming an issue.
I'm not considering cheating. I just worry that if by chance a situation ever did come up I might not have the will to resist. I try to keep myself out of those situations pretty much 100%. I don't go to bars, get drunk at random parties anymore, etc and just don't create scenarios where opportunities might arise. Hope that makes sense!
I really don't just pick up things around the house to get sex. I do that and make the contributions to the household, family and relationship that I think I should be making. The house needs to be cleaned, the kids need to be bathed and fed and I think it's only fair to share in those responsibilities. I want to contribute in those ways because (I think) it makes her happy to have less to do and I think if all I did was come home, sit on the couch and wait for a hot meal and expect her to clean up and take care of everything she wouldn't be as happy and probably would grow to be resentful. Being a man I have very simple needs to make me happy - the fact is sex is one of the prime things. That shows me that she loves me and gives me comfort and confidence that our relationship is good. It just makes me happy and makes me feel close to her. So when we don't have sex for an extended period (i.e. a week without) I start to feel distant and less close. I don't mean to sound selfish but I guess when I start to feel that distance and I'm not feeling as happy it de-motivates me to put forth a lot of extended effort into some of the household things. In my head I think that I'm happy to do those things but why should I put forth the effort for hours and hours everyday into all these little things when she knows I'm dying for sex and it would take her 10 minutes to make me happy but she can't be bothered?
I really like your idea of seeing if she would be willing to do some exploration without intercourse to get her more comfortable. That probably would be a good step to take if she's willing.
I gave up a long time ago trying to make a compromise like 3x a week. We've had those discussions before and you're exactly right, they just sow resentment.
Justean - thanks for your notes. You know after 11 years I doubt there will be any change. I've always wanted a lot more sex then she does and maybe as I get older my drive will slow down a bit and we'll finally be matched up. (I do wonder if there might be a funny/cruel irony that when I get older and my sex drive slows down she'll become a little nympho ) Mostly I just have to accept things the way they are I just wish there was a way to make me more happy. She is (or says she is) satisfied very much with our sex life and doesn't see a problem. And it could be a LOT worse. She tells me about a few of her girlfriends who haven't had sex with their H's in months! Maybe I just need to keep a perspective on that and be happy with what I got.
First step, is you need to stop thinking in terms of "how" but in terms of "why".
Not: "How can I get my wife to want sex more?"
But: "Why is it that my wife doesn't want sex more?"
Sounds trivial, and I'm sure you've done it before, but there is a difference. I've written several posts almost exactly like yours on here. And I complained about how much I do around the house and things I do to help her, and how I don't feel loved because of the lack of sex/intimacy. But because your wife does seem to enjoy sex, I wouldn't think it would be as much of a physical problem (I'm not expert though), but typically woman that have a "physical problem" causing them to not want sex, usually won't orgasm 90% of the time.
Some woman (not all preso), it's because their tired and/or stressed, they just don't have the energy. Someone else on here made a great point that if Men are stressed, they want sex. If woman are stressed they can't have sex. And this is very true.
Some woman have some hang-up. My wife has self-image and self confidence problems. Simply, if she is down on herself, she doesn't feel sexy, and therefore, doesn't want sex.
Some just have a weird pre-condition of sex and sex in a marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't apply here, at least to an extent. Depending on several factors, upbringing, religious beliefs, other experiences, some woman (and men) have been brought with negative notions about sex. Which wouldn't surprise me with the comments about oral and fingering being "icky". She may have done it before because you wanted to, but as time's gone on, she'll do it less and less.
A lot of other things can happen to. Woman are complicated creatures. And you should try to figure out what's eating at her. The best time to do it isn't while trying to get sex. You need to ask her when she knows that you aren't trying to get laid at the time. Either right after you have sex, or if she's having her period, or maybe when you are at a place that would make it impossible. This will help reduce the "pressure" factor that she may feel, by knowing (and you telling her isn't knowing) for sure that you aren't saying that to get her in the sack then and there.