Unfulfilled
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-03-2012, 11:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
Ina
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Default Unfulfilled

Here goes . . . I've been married for 15 years. We've gone through our sexual ups and downs like any couple. I was the W that H's complained about. Didn't initiate, made excuses, always too tired . . . I was that person. He wasn't great about it, he made his own mistakes, but now something's happened. I'm the one that isn't fulfilled. I could basically have sex daily. (and for you men that are like, wait, stop what happened, i want my wife to have that problem . . . all i can say is Fifty Shades of Grey). I've done things in the past month that i never thought i would do and considering more. My husband is of course very happy. He says it's like being married to a different woman. So this is all great a dandy. But now i realize that I HATE SEX WITH MY H!! It starts off fine, i end up frustrated, angry and sometimes crying. He almost never takes the time to pleasure me, and we are done in 10 minutes. It's the definition of Wham Bam thank you Ma'am. He has never been good at stamina, and in the past if i am truthful, that worked for me, because i just wanted to get it over with. Now, I'm like damn, what am i gonna do now! I'm really sensitive to his needs, and i don't want to make him feel bad. Seriously, telling a husband that he doesn't do it for you is not a great conversation to have. I don't want to bring him down, (its quite the opposite obviously). So i have tried humor. We had this conversation where we spoke about my orgasms, and i told him quite honestly that he finds release 100% of the time, where i'm more like at 20% (i was being generous). He said with all seriousness he'll try for 50%! REALLY. And i said so, I said really, wow. That's how much you think of my pleasure, and he laughed at himself saying well at least it's an improvement. Since that talk, i think the percentage has actually gone down. I guess my question to the women is, are all men this selfish??? Do your H's care about your pleasure? Or do these men only exist in romance novels? And to the men: honestly, do you care? Have you always? Does the partner matter? Do i basically have to say HEY GIVE ME A FREAKING ORGASM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?? I am wrong to expect that my H actually wants to pleasure me?
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Mine started caring when I told him if I did not get of first he did not get off. I explained it like this

Imagine going to bed each night with blue balls. Eventually you are gonna stop initiating or participating because you are in pain and aggrivated when it is over.

I now get an "O" at least 90% of the time....the other 10% is because I cannot get there or I just want a quickie.

Maybe you can give him a 10 minute hand job and then say sorry I am tired and roll over. He will get the point eventually.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Ina,
Glad to hear that you have experienced a sexual awakening. I'm sorry to hear that you have now been presented with a brand new problem. This one can be a bit tricky. You go along for years wishing that he would hurry up and get things over with and that is what he is now conditioned for. This is how he sees sex with you. You have never wanted/needed more in the past so why should you want/need more now? Obviously, this is not the case....but your husband likely doesn't know that. Ask yourself, is your husband truly selfish or is he just doing what he has always done, albeit at an increased frequency and vigor? While I understand that a conversation like this would be hard to have, communication is going to be the key if you want improvement. Don't be too hard on him because he didn't pick up on your humorous attempts and broaching the subject. You are going to have to be more direct.
Pick a time where you know that you and he will be able to spend some time talking. Do this outside of the bedroom and NOT immediately after you have had another disappointing sexual experience.

"Honey, I know recently my sexuality has "come alive". In the past, I really haven't wanted or needed the experience the way I do now. But my newfound interest has brought to light a couple of things that I want to talk about."

Then gently bring up the subject that you want to take full advantage of your new interest and explore sex to its fullest. The same way that things have now changed for you, this means that its not business as usual for him either. Lay out your expectations in a clear, non-accusatory manner. I think that with clear and open communications about your new needs, your husband might surprise you with his response.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Unfulfilled

He may not be able to get you off PIV but that doesn't preclude getting you off in other ways. As a man I just assume my partner is expecting to orgasm during sex. There are times that she doesn't think it's going to happen and lets me know but barring that it's a given.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yeah, does it HAVE to be PIV?
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Start taking ownership of your own orgasm, then. Bring a vibrator to bed with you. Don't let him orgasm before you do. Start taking control of the situation, and stop letting it happen. You've spent however many years encouraging him to just get it over with, now it's time to work at making it better.

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Old 12-03-2012, 11:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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So now the tables have turned. You have already trained him to "get it over with" and now you would like him to take his time and be a much more considerate lover. You are coming into your own sexual awakening and he is not there with you. I'm not surprised. For years you were unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment and rejected him and used excuses to avoid intimacy. Now you wish him to be concerned about yours(?) This is going to take some time as he may be wondering why he should care after all the years of sexual denial he lived with. This is a situation that is not probably not going to be solved overnight as it took a long time to create it.

My advice is to keep having conversations about it and be blunt and forward (with a smile on your face). Ask for orgasms from oral stimulation before PIV. Change positions during lovemaking to slow down the/his process. Up his desire for sex by giving him surprise Hj's or Bj's before he goes to work etc. You may also find that this increases his stamina/staying power for later in the day.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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So now the tables have turned. You have already trained him to "get it over with" and now you would like him to take his time and be a much more considerate lover. You are coming into your own sexual awakening and he is not there with you. I'm not surprised. For years you were unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment and rejected him and used excuses to avoid intimacy. Now you wish him to be concerned about yours(?) This is going to take some time as he may be wondering why he should care after all the years of sexual denial he lived with. This is a situation that is not probably not going to be solved overnight as it took a long time to create it.

My advice is to keep having conversations about it and be blunt and forward (with a smile on your face). Ask for orgasms from oral stimulation before PIV. Change positions during lovemaking to slow down the/his process. Up his desire for sex by giving him surprise Hj's or Bj's before he goes to work etc. You may also find that this increases his stamina/staying power for later in the day.
THIS

Plus maybe you should apologixe to him for both treating him this way in the past AND training him to be this way.

I must say I am shocked at your indignation.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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was you always unfulfilled with sex with your husband (even when you were dating) or has it been since your sexual awakening?
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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THIS

Plus maybe you should apologixe to him for both treating him this way in the past AND training him to be this way.

I must say I am shocked at your indignation.
Me too. After years of conditioning, your husband got pretty good at getting in and out quickly before your awakening. Now you are going to have to have A LOT of patience with him. Instead of telling him that he doesn't do it for you, you should apologize to him for training him to be a sexual sprinter, and that the two of you both need to practice how to be better at love making.
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hello Ina, i'm on the same page with you re: a sexual re-awakening from those 50 Shades books, which I absolutely loved and read the first two again after finishing the 3rd. I loved the sex in those books and I loved the love story. Those books made me want more from my sex life. I went from indifferent to wanting hot sex. Like you, I probably orgasm (from clitoral stimulation only) less than 20% of the time. I never really cared. Now I do care and want more orgasms. OK - I don't have to go 1 for 1 with my husband, but 50% would be an improvement.

As far as all the years gone by that I didn't show an inclination for sex and now I'm interested, I never turned my husband down (we have sex 2-3X/week) and I did initiate maybe 1/3 of the time.

Now I'm initiating more. A few days ago, when I was kissing my husband, then rubbed his balls and started giving him a hand job, after a while I got no response from him. He didn't touch me or kiss me back but just laid there while I did my thing. After about 10 minutes I stopped.

I realized then and there that this is what I've been like for decades. ALthough I would reciprocate many times. Many more times I didn't and that is what it feels like to have a partner not into sex.

My husband usually isn't like that though and usually wants sex. I have come to the same feeling as you that my husband really isn't a great lover. He's got a lot to learn about oral sex, which I can come, but it's usually frustrating getting there.

These are the steps I have taken to try to turn things around for me.

I continued reading more books like those and have discovered Cherise Sinclair. They continuously keep me horny and wanting better sex.

I bought the bought Fifty Shades of Pleasure (on my Kindle) and read it and asked my husband to read, which he hasn't.

I've bought other books, like how to give a better blow job and hot tips in bed. My husband knows I have these books. I figured if I'm willing to learn how to give a better BJ, he can learn new things too. He said I didn't need that BJ book because he can't imagine feeling any better. yahoo for me. what about me now? but it's a segway into him hopefully reading books.

Back in May I told him I wanted to try anal sex, which I discovered I really like. I don't have any orgasms from it, but I think it feels really good.

Like you, I didn't care how long sex lasted (he has premature ejaculation) because I never cared. Now I'd like us to deal with this problem.

I also need to deal with the fact that my orgasms don't seem to matter. Or not that they don't matter but that he orgasm's 80% more than me and I want to approach some equality here.

A few months ago, I told my husband that I wanted to get a vibrator to use on me while we have sex. I never did that, but maybe I will, although with the premature ejaculation problem, I'll need more than a few seconds to a few minutes to reach an orgasm.

Starting about 2 years ago, we've gone to a couples only hotel about once/year (difficult when you have 3 young kids). The place is made for sex - fireplace, hot tubs, pool, porn on TV. So it's a weekend of all sex all the time. Maybe that a good place to start. I was still low drive when we went for the first time, but planned the whole weekend. Looking back now, I remember I didn't orgasm once - I think I was just happy to be away and be together. My husband tried, but I couldn't come (he's way too rough on my clitoris sometimes that I just go numb - I need to speak up more). At the time, it didn't bother me at all. In retrospect, I can't believe he probably orgasmed over a dozen times in 2 days and I didn't. But, my point is, it's a great kind of vacation where all you're focusing on is sex.

One time, he stuck his finger in my behind while having regular sex, and that was probably the best it felt. I told him this - not sure why he won't do it again. As part of my new boldness and confidence plan (in my head only at this time), I'm going to tell him that I want that more.

I've learned a lot here, and one main thing I learned is that if your husband isn't pleasing you, then it's our own fault for not speaking up and asking for more.

I'm real real shy about speaking up, but I have something like this planned out to say, "I'd like us to experiment with new ways of you touching me with your finger and tongue and maybe some toys..." I'll see how that goes, since other small comments from me have fallen on deaf ears, but I have learned here that that is not an excuse not to push the matter.

It seems like your husband still wants to have sex with you, and now that you want to have sex with him, then there must be a way to turn this into a sexually fulfilling situation. The potential must be there, and it seems like it will be so darn rewarding if we can turn our husbands into a great lovers.

Now wouldn't that be a great thread from you or me to write one day. how we did it and how awesome it is now.

Last edited by IsGirl3; 12-03-2012 at 12:30 PM.
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I appreciate the responses and i can take responsibility for my role in the past. I have to get over my initial defensiveness to really hear what you all have to say. And after reading my post, yeah i guess i am indignant. And yes, i am not totally being fair. When we met, we had sex all the time. As a young woman, I was not that in tune to my own sexual needs, so his neglect wasn't that relevant. Sex with my H has never been earth shattering, but that wasn't why i chose him. He can be what i need in many other areas i value. So with the sex, I was there to please him, and that pleased me. What we had was satisfying both of us at the time. Then we had kids, and well I went through what many women go through. It's no excuse, it just is. I neglected being a wife at times and still wasn't in tune to my needs and my body. I will say this, i worked at it. His happiness in the bedroom was important to me. I took care of myself, i had sex when i really didn't want to, and i listened to his needs/suggestions. Talking about that has never been an issue. I'm not bad with communication, and i can take criticism, it's giving it that i find difficult. Even before my "awakening" our sex life had improved (in terms of frequency and his satisfaction. He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly. I'm reading on what i can do to help him along. I guess sometimes i feel like it's just me doing the work, but I guess i've played a part in that too.

I can see how it is unfair for me to expect that he be different because i am different. And i can also see where i need to take more control of my needs. That part is still not easy. I needed a reality check on my expectation, so thanks.
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I can see how it is unfair for me to expect that he be different because i am different. And i can also see where i need to take more control of my needs. That part is still not easy. I needed a reality check on my expectation, so thanks.
It is not unfair to expect that he be different. We all change and need different things.

What is unfair is to expect him to change without any guidance, or that he do so in a mere month. I hope you calling him selfish after your treatment and training of him is just your frustration talking. This is a problem a long time in the making (much of which is on you), so it will take some time to correct.

Figure out your body and what you need from him. Be clear that as you have aged and changed, your needs have changed as well. You don't have to dwell on him not being any good in the past, but rather point out that what you need now is different. Let him know that you recognize that he has no way to know this, so you want to work together on it.
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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So again, does it have to be PIV or not? You mentioned his stamina, but can he, well, WOULD you be pleased with his mouth?
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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You said "He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly."

What did you do about his honest expression of how he felt inadequate? Was this during your time of "get it over with"?

What would you like to do for him now that you know that? This was a difficult admission for him.

Also there are plenty of ways to use constructive criticism. Telling him how to be better instead of telling him how he's not good enough.
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