Husband doesn't like when I initiate
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-04-2012, 09:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband doesn't like when I initiate

I can’t quite figure out what the problem is. I have been married for 2.5 yrs and dated for 3.5 yrs before that. Here’s a summary of our problems:
(1) I used to initiate sex often and he always claims he’s “not in the mood”. After a year of me explaining that sex for me is about feeling sexy and confident, he will 5% of the time force himself to go through it but vocalizes how he really doesn’t want to and sometimes can’t finish.
(2) About one year into our marriage, I decided I would win wife of the year by not initiating (since he doesn’t like that) but never saying no to sex. Whenever he approached me, I responded enthusiastically. After about three weeks of getting it whenever he wanted, he started complaining that sex was boring.
(3) In the first four years of our marriage, I would often try to surprise him with lingerie. He complained that my lingerie is not what he would have picked out and it’s the wrong time. (BTW my lingerie isn’t anything abnormal. From victoria’s secret or frederick’s of Hollywood.)
(4) I love to perform oral on him but he never seemed that into it. I kept trying. Recently he told me that he doesn’t really like the way it feels but he lets me do it because he knows that it turns me on. After 6 years!! But again his laying there like he would rather be somewhere else still feels like rejection.
(5) As if on a cycle, I get tired of the rejection and pull away from him showing no interest in sex. When this happens, he is suddenly all over me. It’s as if my disinterest turns him on.
(6) His rejection is not due to being tired because I get the same reaction when he has had a day off or when we are on a relaxing vacation.
(7) We have been ttc for the last 18 months. During that time we have had 2 losses. He told me early on that ttc was preventing his ability to perform because of the “pressure”. So, I stopped telling him when I was ovulating and made sure I was just as interested in sex throughout the month. He then started asking me when it was and when I answered his questions, he would be too tired or have some mysterious medical problems due to riding his bike. Mind you, these “medical problems” only lasted during the days I told him were key for ttc. After a few instances of that, I refused to answer him and he started to count days on his own and avoid sex. He tells me that he desperately wants kids.

I keep asking him why he isn’t turned on by me. He says he’s “just not that into it” and denies that anything is off. I guess I just don’t know what’s going on because he will have sex with me if I’m not in the mood but otherwise constantly rejects me. Also, I am 26 and in great shape. He is 32.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

People are just at different sexual levels and that might be an issue in your case. I, and many of the men here, read your post and think "where can I find a women like that". I hope you two and find some middle ground that works.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

Did it start when you began ttc?
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

You're his beard.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

I would feel very rejected and unattractive if my man told me he didn't even want oral. My feelings would be hurt and I'd be determined to find out the root cause.

But I think maybe he has performance anxiety. Knowing you are extremely turned on may lead him to believe he has to be a stud and he may be scared of judgement if its not that good.

Also hubby and I were ttc for our newest and he told me he was very pressured with sex and it caused performance issues. We only took a few months to get pregnant, so I can imagine how frustrating it is with your situation. Praying for you to fall pregnant, but be warned a baby can take a tremendous toll on a sex life especially if there were unsolved things there before.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

are your issues just in the bedroom? Is he otherwise a great, caring, loving husband? are you still in love with him? are you having doubts about him? will you become more and more resentful as years go by? you're still very young. maybe you should wait another year or so and see how the marriage goes before you have kids.
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Old 12-04-2012, 11:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

The medical excuses are so transparent right? Like I didn't notice last time. Insulting - I find them to be total insults to my intelligence. One guy recently posted that his wife couldn't because of a gyno appointment in one week. That's a good one. Why don't you make an excuse next time like you cut you finger and it is too distracting. You are at least lucky that you have some control and can make him ask for it. Other shmucks here can stop initiating creating a condition where it absolutely never happens - at all!
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

How to seduce your LD husband!
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

He is a wonderful husband otherwise but I do feel resentful and angry and lonely and horny. He is an amazing lover and knows how to do the right moves physically. I am just starting to question his attraction to me. If he is not already in the mood, nothing that I do will turn him on. I fantasize about being with someone else who loves to see me naked. I would kill for the typical sex maniac husband. I feel that I am too young to be questioning if "I still have it." I need him to make me feel like a sexy woman more than I need him to physically do me. If he would explain what was going on, I could be more sympathetic but the denial also just pushes me further away. Definitely, can't spend the rest of my life wondering.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

Quote:
Originally Posted by purplepanther View Post
I can’t quite figure out what the problem is. I have been married for 2.5 yrs and dated for 3.5 yrs before that. Here’s a summary of our problems:
(1) I used to initiate sex often and he always claims he’s “not in the mood”. After a year of me explaining that sex for me is about feeling sexy and confident, he will 5% of the time force himself to go through it but vocalizes how he really doesn’t want to and sometimes can’t finish.
(2) About one year into our marriage, I decided I would win wife of the year by not initiating (since he doesn’t like that) but never saying no to sex. Whenever he approached me, I responded enthusiastically. After about three weeks of getting it whenever he wanted, he started complaining that sex was boring.
(3) In the first four years of our marriage, I would often try to surprise him with lingerie. He complained that my lingerie is not what he would have picked out and it’s the wrong time. (BTW my lingerie isn’t anything abnormal. From victoria’s secret or frederick’s of Hollywood.)
(4) I love to perform oral on him but he never seemed that into it. I kept trying. Recently he told me that he doesn’t really like the way it feels but he lets me do it because he knows that it turns me on. After 6 years!! But again his laying there like he would rather be somewhere else still feels like rejection.
(5) As if on a cycle, I get tired of the rejection and pull away from him showing no interest in sex. When this happens, he is suddenly all over me. It’s as if my disinterest turns him on.
(6) His rejection is not due to being tired because I get the same reaction when he has had a day off or when we are on a relaxing vacation.
(7) We have been ttc for the last 18 months. During that time we have had 2 losses. He told me early on that ttc was preventing his ability to perform because of the “pressure”. So, I stopped telling him when I was ovulating and made sure I was just as interested in sex throughout the month. He then started asking me when it was and when I answered his questions, he would be too tired or have some mysterious medical problems due to riding his bike. Mind you, these “medical problems” only lasted during the days I told him were key for ttc. After a few instances of that, I refused to answer him and he started to count days on his own and avoid sex. He tells me that he desperately wants kids.

I keep asking him why he isn’t turned on by me. He says he’s “just not that into it” and denies that anything is off. I guess I just don’t know what’s going on because he will have sex with me if I’m not in the mood but otherwise constantly rejects me. Also, I am 26 and in great shape. He is 32.



Oral, lingere, wanting to get pregnant....He is turned off?????

Beat him within an inch of his life and kick him to the curb......

No, I guess that isn't a viable option, it's just that it makes me angry and frustrated to see a wife, that is a warm and sexual being left hanging on the vine by a man with little or no sex drive.....OR ONE SO WARPED IT IS ALMOST USELESS...
Quirky can be fun, but only turned on by you NOT being turned on is BULL$HIT......

He is obviously LD and has absolutely no sexual self confidence...

iT MAY BE EASIER TO LEAVE THAN FIX IT....
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

You sound like a great woman to me......initiating sex, oral, sexy outfits, wow. My wife usually never initiates sex, only oral now when its that time of the month and never wears anything sexy because she is a larger woman but doesn't do anything (weights, cardio) to take care of herself either. I feel for you. If he doesn't change, I would kick him to the curb. I've been in a low sex drive marriage for 13 years now, no change on my wife's part and I have a high sex drive, like to talk dirty, movies, oils, toys, realistically, sex every day if I could and sometimes 2 - 4 times a day if I'm really in the mood. And I love to give oral too. I make sure she climax's first, then relax a bit and then go at it for a long time.......
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

1) He is gay
2) He destroyed his testicles from riding his bike and no longer produces enough testosterone.


Not trying to be mean, but these may be the most realistic reasons.

Doesnt like to receive oral?
Doesnt like his wife getting sexy lingerie?


Not every guy is a bearded beer drinking lumberjack, but come on.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

It sounds like #1....He IS the type of LOVER who appreciates his woman to be "SUBTLE", he prefers the CHASE.....he feels pressure when a woman is coming on to him......

I did a thread on this a while back....asking the men what they preferred from their wives ..... then I deleted it cause my husband sounded too ODD... as he likes the woman being aggressive /coming on to him ...whereas many of the responses preferred their woman to be subtle... some even are turned off by aggressive (these are generally the Alpha males) -who feel it is their place as the man to take the dominant role.

And #2... his saying he wants children is not lining up with his actions - or he would at least be trying ...with some apology wanting to make it up to you, for missing the nights that conception has the greatest odds (that is something to be planned for)... is he off masterbating wasting his , if so, this is a spitting upon what he has said to you.

Are you absolutely sure he wants kids as much as yourself?

I would find this very difficult if you are a woman who ENJOYS seducing your man, in this way... your Lover Styles are at odds with each other.... I , too , would also feel rejected and undesired in your situation - with such a man.

I'd blow a fuse if my husband didn't like me coming on to him.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't like when I initiate

I'm guessing based on your description he's a control freak. Basically if something isn't his idea it's not a good idea. Sex is great when he initiates but it's all he can do to tolerate it, if he even does, when it's not.

I'm guessing he's also always right. I'm not really sure how you work around this.
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