High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

I have got to thinking lately ( prob since discovering this forum) that I need to work this issue in my marriage out, something I think I at least partially caused myself.
When I met my husband 4 years ago , our sex was so hot and uninhibited and it caught me by surprise because I started having regular orgasms during PIV sex. It was awesome. Fast forward about a year into relationship- one night we are going at it hot and heavy with me on top- grinding away and having a great time...my hubby says " too hard, slow down, I'm not made of stone..." .and that was IT. I have been self conscious and paranoid ever since. And I have also Never had an orgasm with him again. Ever. I faked it here and there for a while, but my mental block has never lifted and I openly told him I can't have orgasms any more.
I pretended it was ok, but it's NOT!
What is wrong with me and can I possibly fix this mess??
Ps no I haven't addressed it with him as he is sensitive and I don't want to leave him feeling somehow lacking when it's my fault for not being honest over 3 years ago.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 06:38 AM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

Tell him what you just said here: it's not his fault you haven't had orgasms and he is just going by what you told him. Tell him you want to try some other things to hopefully have them again. The thing is, since you are NOT satisfied and you HAVE been lying to him, you NEED to have an open and honest discussion with him. Yes, even if he is sensitive. Would you rather have an unsatisfying sex life and do nothing about it, for the rest of your life? Or would you prefer to step up and see what can be done to fix this? If you don't already use toys, see if he would be open to them. But whatever you do, if you want a better sex life, stop lying to the man!

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 07:35 AM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
Tell him what you just said here: it's not his fault you haven't had orgasms and he is just going by what you told him. Tell him you want to try some other things to hopefully have them again. The thing is, since you are NOT satisfied and you HAVE been lying to him, you NEED to have an open and honest discussion with him. Yes, even if he is sensitive. Would you rather have an unsatisfying sex life and do nothing about it, for the rest of your life? Or would you prefer to step up and see what can be done to fix this? If you don't already use toys, see if he would be open to them. But whatever you do, if you want a better sex life, stop lying to the man!
I agree. It seems his comment was like a pin prick to the balloon that was your sexual confidence. You need to work together to get that confidence back.

My suggestion is when you talk about this with him don't accuse him of making you feel this way but that you feel this way in response to his comment. Take ownership of how you feel as opposed to assigning blame. This way he'll be more likely to want to help you rather than feeling like he has been accused of wrongdoing and get defensive.

Good luck!
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 08:18 AM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

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Originally Posted by MaritimeGuy View Post
My suggestion is when you talk about this with him don't accuse him of making you feel this way but that you feel this way in response to his comment. Take ownership of how you feel as opposed to assigning blame. This way he'll be more likely to want to help you rather than feeling like he has been accused of wrongdoing and get defensive.
To add to that, he was communicating his needs to you. While it may not have been in the way you liked, it was there. So you need to be somewhat careful that your commenting on that won't cause him to not share in the future.

It seems that you should also consider how much does he need to do physically for you (different positions, oral, etc.) and how much does he need to do for you emotionally (telling and showing you how sexy you are).
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 08:22 AM
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To add to that, he was communicating his needs to you. While it may not have been in the way you liked, it was there. So you need to be somewhat careful that your commenting on that won't cause him to not share in the future.

It seems that you should also consider how much does he need to do physically for you (different positions, oral, etc.) and how much does he need to do for you emotionally (telling and showing you how sexy you are).


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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-05-2012, 09:04 AM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

This is a stunning revelation to a man.....A guy would never allow
a single comment make him permanently unable to orgasm.....I am 66 years of age and for probably 40 years my wife had a passionate and highly orgasmic sex life.....

I cannot believe someone as rough and blunt as myself could have handled such a delicate flower for so long without crushing the petals.......

It is obvious you need some help coming out of your slump.

When someone falls into a wonderful sexual relationship so naturally, they don't put a lot of thought into it, it just happens. Then when something comes into it that is negative and unexpected it can become a stumbling block.....

Don't feel you were doing anything wrong....Any man would love your passion and enthusiam....

In defense of your man, try to imagine having sex in a position that gave him total control, and the possibility of causing you some pain....Perhaps anal.....and in the heat of passion, he caused you some discomfort....Wouldn't you feel justified in saying "not quite so hard", or "please a little slower"...Lovers have the right to say that. Be assured, he did not mean to be critical of your lovemaking....

Now the hard work starts...Tell your man what happened....If he is as sensitive as you say, he will understand...

Give him the opportunity to hold you in his arms, kiss away your tears, and begin working on your (yours and his) problem......

Progress may be slow at first, but I am certain it will happen...
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-16-2013, 10:07 AM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dulciean View Post
I have got to thinking lately ( prob since discovering this forum) that I need to work this issue in my marriage out, something I think I at least partially caused myself.
When I met my husband 4 years ago , our sex was so hot and uninhibited and it caught me by surprise because I started having regular orgasms during PIV sex. It was awesome. Fast forward about a year into relationship- one night we are going at it hot and heavy with me on top- grinding away and having a great time...my hubby says " too hard, slow down, I'm not made of stone..." .and that was IT. I have been self conscious and paranoid ever since. And I have also Never had an orgasm with him again. Ever. I faked it here and there for a while, but my mental block has never lifted and I openly told him I can't have orgasms any more.
I pretended it was ok, but it's NOT!
What is wrong with me and can I possibly fix this mess??
Ps no I haven't addressed it with him as he is sensitive and I don't want to leave him feeling somehow lacking when it's my fault for not being honest over 3 years ago.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-12-2013, 07:32 PM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dulciean View Post
I have got to thinking lately ( prob since discovering this forum) that I need to work this issue in my marriage out, something I think I at least partially caused myself.
When I met my husband 4 years ago , our sex was so hot and uninhibited and it caught me by surprise because I started having regular orgasms during PIV sex. It was awesome. Fast forward about a year into relationship- one night we are going at it hot and heavy with me on top- grinding away and having a great time...my hubby says " too hard, slow down, I'm not made of stone..." .and that was IT. I have been self conscious and paranoid ever since. And I have also Never had an orgasm with him again. Ever. I faked it here and there for a while, but my mental block has never lifted and I openly told him I can't have orgasms any more.
I pretended it was ok, but it's NOT!
What is wrong with me and can I possibly fix this mess??
Ps no I haven't addressed it with him as he is sensitive and I don't want to leave him feeling somehow lacking when it's my fault for not being honest over 3 years ago.
let him know without making him feel small. a typical male will work on it till it works for you if you help him to understand what you like specifically. & don't give line item VETO powers. direct it like a movie with a great ending.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-12-2013, 07:38 PM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

Oops it is a zombie thread. Lol

Last edited by Mavash.; 08-12-2013 at 07:56 PM.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-12-2013, 07:53 PM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

zombie thread
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 08-12-2013, 10:31 PM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

it is okay if its a zombie thread, I never would have seen it otherwise.

my wife suffers the same way occasionally. she now has an IUD and I am a little bigger than average and I get poked by the device in the tip.it does hurt and honestly most of the time I get through it depending on the position. she has had her doctor trim it a little more.

she sometimes holds back a lot because she thinks she is hurting me.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-20-2015, 06:11 PM
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Re: High and dry- how to ask for Orgasms

Have you tried some other position? Some other place in which to make love?

Suddenly, in my mid-40s (age?) I found it difficult to climax. Then we shifted beds, and started trying doggie style. Which was great. Not sure if it was the angle/pressure or just the dominant feel of having her lying on her foes in a 'f&ck me' position that turned me on.

My partner too hasn't been very orgasmic. Better in her 30s and 40s than before. But I'm often masturbating her, while we sometimes watch porn together.... all for a good cause :-)
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