Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-06-2012, 12:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

You heard it here first.

My wife had a hysterectomy around 9 years ago.
She would have sex with me once a week maybe but it was very painful for her so we cut down to once a month maybe. Then it just stopped.

I tried having sex with her afterwards but when I was getting off (You get bigger) and it seemed like I was raping her. I couldnt think about doing it again and she lost her sex drive anyway and seemed to me she acted like I would if I were asked to bake cookies. I can bake cookies, I would get it done but I would be thinking of something else to do while baking cookies.

I got extensive dental work done and started to snore which was keeping my wife awake. I slept on the sofa a lot so she could sleep the night. We didnt hold each other at night because the operation caused her to have hot flashes and therefore I couldnt hold her. (I heat up at night)

After a while I found myself buying a bed for our spare room and now that is where I sleep.

Four years after no sex I talked to her about it. She said that she wasn't interested in it any more and I started to desire wanting sex. I went on a business trip to Florida and found an escort and hired her for a couple hours in my hotel room. (No, it wasn't all that great) But, I had sex and I felt a weight off me and it was good to feel a woman again. I got home and told my wife, she said she wasnt surprised and said its ok. Its better than going without and she was ok with that. I could do it as needed.

Fast forward a bit I found a lover. FWB type thing. Yes, my wife was aware of it but as you know, it was hurting her. Emotions are what they are and I understood. A few months ago I stopped seeing her after speakinig with my wife. We tried to have sex again but it was worse than being with the hooker. She tried to have sex with me but I could tell she just wasnt into it. She said so afterwards and said she just lost the feelings for sex, not for me, but just for sexual desire.

Now my wife and I have been together for 22 years. I have always been open and honest with her in everything I do. We discussed me having a mistress, the whole deal. We are very much in love with each other and it hurts us because this may make us seperate. It hurts and I have no idea what to do.

She said if she could go back she would never have the operation. She blames herself and of course I tell her it is no ones fault. It just happened.

Well, she doesnt want to have sex, she doesnt want me to have sex and I want to. Either with her or someone else.
Remember, before you judge me and tell me I ****ed up. This was discussed and tried with a surrogate lover. So save the cheating rants.

I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.

Again, My wife and I love each other very much. We have never argued and we are best friends. Just more and more I feel like a room mate.

We are both 44 years old and no children.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

Perhaps roommates is exactly what you should be. You're hardly married any longer in the true sense of the word.

You don't mention divorce at all. Is it not an option? If you're wife never has sex with you again, what are you prepared to do? And what are you waiting for if eight years isn't sufficient?
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

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Originally Posted by Maxwell71 View Post
You heard it here first.

My wife had a hysterectomy around 9 years ago.
She would have sex with me once a week maybe but it was very painful for her so we cut down to once a month maybe. Then it just stopped.

I tried having sex with her afterwards but when I was getting off (You get bigger) and it seemed like I was raping her. I couldnt think about doing it again and she lost her sex drive anyway and seemed to me she acted like I would if I were asked to bake cookies. I can bake cookies, I would get it done but I would be thinking of something else to do while baking cookies.

I got extensive dental work done and started to snore which was keeping my wife awake. I slept on the sofa a lot so she could sleep the night. We didnt hold each other at night because the operation caused her to have hot flashes and therefore I couldnt hold her. (I heat up at night)

After a while I found myself buying a bed for our spare room and now that is where I sleep.

Four years after no sex I talked to her about it. She said that she wasn't interested in it any more and I started to desire wanting sex. I went on a business trip to Florida and found an escort and hired her for a couple hours in my hotel room. (No, it wasn't all that great) But, I had sex and I felt a weight off me and it was good to feel a woman again. I got home and told my wife, she said she wasnt surprised and said its ok. Its better than going without and she was ok with that. I could do it as needed.

Fast forward a bit I found a lover. FWB type thing. Yes, my wife was aware of it but as you know, it was hurting her. Emotions are what they are and I understood. A few months ago I stopped seeing her after speakinig with my wife. We tried to have sex again but it was worse than being with the hooker. She tried to have sex with me but I could tell she just wasnt into it. She said so afterwards and said she just lost the feelings for sex, not for me, but just for sexual desire.

Now my wife and I have been together for 22 years. I have always been open and honest with her in everything I do. We discussed me having a mistress, the whole deal. We are very much in love with each other and it hurts us because this may make us seperate. It hurts and I have no idea what to do.

She said if she could go back she would never have the operation. She blames herself and of course I tell her it is no ones fault. It just happened.

Well, she doesnt want to have sex, she doesnt want me to have sex and I want to. Either with her or someone else.
Remember, before you judge me and tell me I ****ed up. This was discussed and tried with a surrogate lover. So save the cheating rants.

I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.

Again, My wife and I love each other very much. We have never argued and we are best friends. Just more and more I feel like a room mate.

We are both 44 years old and no children.
Why would your wife's vaginal pain equate to a sexless marriage? There are plenty of ways to enjoy sexual interaction without penis-in-vagina sex. So the fact that your sex life, which was already low, went to nonexistent on the back of one sexual orifice becoming unavailable makes no sense whatsoever. Your wife stopped having sex with you for other reasons.

It's absurd that your wife now expects you to, at the age of 44 no less, kill your sexual existence to join her down a road of sexless bliss. It's unfair to ask, and cruel.

You need to get a divorce. You can still love your wife, and hell you can still live with her as a roommate if that works. Just because you end the marriage doesn't mean the love is null and void. Find a woman who fulfills you in every way, and keep your wife in your life as the best friend that she has become.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

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We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.
Sex is not a "small part of life" for most people.

If sex was such a "small part of life" then you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't have hired a hooker. You wouldn't have had a mistress. You wouldn't be resisting your wife's attempts to metaphorically castrate you.

Clearly sex is much more than a "small part of life for you".
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

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We are still in love with each other. I know sex is a small part of life and I dont see myself giving up 99% of a beautiful relationship for 1% failure.
Well sex is worth a lot more than 1% of a healthy marriage. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. If you keep having affairs I think you will find someone that you would rather be with than your wife. Eventually she will realize that sex is not just sex. Then it will get nasty between you and your wife.

Has she seen a doctor about the pain during intercourse and lack of desire?
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

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Well sex is worth a lot more than 1% of a healthy marriage. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet. If you keep having affairs I think you will find someone that you would rather be with than your wife. Eventually she will realize that sex is not just sex. Then it will get nasty between you and your wife.

Has she seen a doctor about the pain during intercourse and lack of desire?
She went to a doctor and had pills, cream etc, two doctors said that she is a small percent that lose the desire after such an operation. Yes, we went to couples counselling and she doesn't have the feel for it any more. One doctor asked if she was gay to which she said no.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Sex is not a "small part of life" for most people.

If sex was such a "small part of life" then you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't have hired a hooker. You wouldn't have had a mistress. You wouldn't be resisting your wife's attempts to metaphorically castrate you.

Clearly sex is much more than a "small part of life for you".
Good point
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

Sex is a big part of life, especially marriage. I feel bad for you and for your wife.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

Maxwell,
Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract". Before you jump off the deep end and get bent out of shape with that comment, I will also say that her side of the "contract" has not been fulfilled. It is not unreasonable for a husband to expect sex from his wife. Your situation is a little different in that there is a physical cause for your wife's lack of libido. What has been done by you/your wife to address this?
You indicate that you don't want to sacrifice a 99% good marriage for just a 1% aspect of the marriage. The fact that you have gone outside the marriage twice and that you are even on this board tells me that sex is WAAAYY more than a 1% problem for you.
From your description, it sounds like you and your wife have talked and she realizes that this is a problem for you. Its good that she can at least recognize that. But now comes the hard part. Has she been medically checked out? What about her hormone levels? Does she WANT to have a libido again? Have you been to a counselor (individual or couple)?
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

When you bring a third party into a marriage, that marriage has its days numbered. IMO, you either you accept that you will not have sex at all or hardly any, or you divorce and move on with a partner that fulfills your emotional and physical needs.
I believe if you stay in the present circumstances, it will only increase your resentment towards her, over time, to a point of killing the love you once felt for her.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

I, like the others, think it's way more than a 1% problem. I'd estimate that it's at least a 1.62% problem, if you get my drift.

My wife had a hysterectomy in her 30's that did not eliminate her sexuality. It just eliminated the 28 day heavy negotiation cycle.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Maxwell71 View Post
Yes, we went to couples counselling and she doesn't have the feel for it any more.
This would not work for me. If she does not want to work on the problem, then divorce might be the only option.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jaquen View Post
Why would your wife's vaginal pain equate to a sexless marriage? There are plenty of ways to enjoy sexual interaction without penis-in-vagina sex. So the fact that your sex life, which was already low, went to nonexistent on the back of one sexual orifice becoming unavailable makes no sense whatsoever. Your wife stopped having sex with you for other reasons.

It's absurd that your wife now expects you to, at the age of 44 no less, kill your sexual existence to join her down a road of sexless bliss. It's unfair to ask, and cruel.

You need to get a divorce. You can still love your wife, and hell you can still live with her as a roommate if that works. Just because you end the marriage doesn't mean the love is null and void. Find a woman who fulfills you in every way, and keep your wife in your life as the best friend that she has become.
, as usual!
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:41 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

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Originally Posted by Zatol Ugot? View Post
Maxwell,
Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract". Before you jump off the deep end and get bent out of shape with that comment, I will also say that her side of the "contract" has not been fulfilled. It is not unreasonable for a husband to expect sex from his wife. Your situation is a little different in that there is a physical cause for your wife's lack of libido. What has been done by you/your wife to address this?
You indicate that you don't want to sacrifice a 99% good marriage for just a 1% aspect of the marriage. The fact that you have gone outside the marriage twice and that you are even on this board tells me that sex is WAAAYY more than a 1% problem for you.
From your description, it sounds like you and your wife have talked and she realizes that this is a problem for you. Its good that she can at least recognize that. But now comes the hard part. Has she been medically checked out? What about her hormone levels? Does she WANT to have a libido again? Have you been to a counselor (individual or couple)?
I am aware what has been done. Honestly, your comments are unneeded as we both know what lines were crossed. So thanks for the worthless comments.

If you had read any other threads you will know that we have tried to go to doctors etc and they didnt work.

Don't mean to ride your ass about your comments but really, we know what I did and what she is not doing. So now that it is out of the way, thanks.
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