still fighting about sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-12-2008, 07:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy still fighting about sex

Hi
I'm new. I was searching oline for suuport about my problem and I found this website and i think you guys can help.

I have been married to my husband for about 7.5 years. from the beginnig he has always made sex such a big issue. we can be find for a awhile but god forbid if we go without having sex for a week then there are hidden meanings behind it, or I don't find him attractive ot he thinks I'm interested in someon else. then he trys to make me feel bad and says I have a sexual disfunction, when I know deep down he has the issue. when the argument is over he appologizes for acting that way and then does it again.

thursday night I waited up for him and when he came into the bedroom I asked him to turn off the tv. He does then heads out the room. I told him I was waiting up for him, he said he felt like I was kicking him out of the room. He said he was coming back, then he proceeds to watch tv in the living room and then go shaves. what was that? Your wife is ready for you then you are not interested. then when he finally gets in bed he lays in the bed like a dead man for about a 1/2hr then approaches me. I told him I was waiting up for him then he says that I put him on a schedule then he gets out of the bed and gets mad and says were still going through this and that he does not want to fight but i's obvious that he is.

At this point I feel defeated and I have no energy and I am tired of playing the games.

I know he is very insecure and in a perfect world he wants me to be the innitiator all the time and when I do he feels like I am trying to do him a favor. what he does not understand we have a child and we go to work and I get tired and so does he but its my fault that he is not getting enough sex.

I don't know what to do and he is pushing me away.

any advice?
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Old 01-12-2008, 11:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

I would say his insecurities are very deeply rooted and that there's something bubbling under the surface that needs to be addressed. Do you have any idea what has happened in his past that has made him insecure?

As draconis says, communication, communication, communication... you guys aren't doing it. Sit down with him and see if you can get him to open up, because right now he seems like a brick wall.
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Old 01-13-2008, 07:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by fredfoxw28 View Post
Hi
I'm new. I was searching oline for suuport about my problem and I found this website and i think you guys can help.

I have been married to my husband for about 7.5 years. from the beginnig he has always made sex such a big issue. we can be find for a awhile but god forbid if we go without having sex for a week then there are hidden meanings behind it, or I don't find him attractive ot he thinks I'm interested in someon else. then he trys to make me feel bad and says I have a sexual disfunction, when I know deep down he has the issue. when the argument is over he appologizes for acting that way and then does it again.

thursday night I waited up for him and when he came into the bedroom I asked him to turn off the tv. He does then heads out the room. I told him I was waiting up for him, he said he felt like I was kicking him out of the room. He said he was coming back, then he proceeds to watch tv in the living room and then go shaves. what was that? Your wife is ready for you then you are not interested. then when he finally gets in bed he lays in the bed like a dead man for about a 1/2hr then approaches me. I told him I was waiting up for him then he says that I put him on a schedule then he gets out of the bed and gets mad and says were still going through this and that he does not want to fight but i's obvious that he is.

At this point I feel defeated and I have no energy and I am tired of playing the games.

I know he is very insecure and in a perfect world he wants me to be the innitiator all the time and when I do he feels like I am trying to do him a favor. what he does not understand we have a child and we go to work and I get tired and so does he but its my fault that he is not getting enough sex.

I don't know what to do and he is pushing me away.

any advice?
Wow, after reading this, I had to read it again b/c I thought I might of written it. From my own experience, I might have a little insight for you.

It's obvious your husband is feeling insecure and that sex to him is how you prove your love to him. Maybe he feels like if the two of you aren't having sex, then you must not love him. That to him, sex MEANS love.

I can understand your not wanting to play these games any longer, have you discussed couples counseling with him? Do you think he'd be open to it? If nothing else you'd be able to get to the root of things.

But, you also need to take a look at yourself. Are you actually participating in the bedroom or just waiting for it all to be over so that you can go back to sleep? If that's the case, then your husband will easily sense that and feel rejected, even though you tell him you've been waiting for him.

Are you waiting around with anticipation or anxiety? He needs to FEEL that you want him, that he's desired. If b4 bed sex seems like too much of a hassle, when all you want to do is go to sleep, then shake things up a bit. Instead of waiting to do it right b4 sleep, head to the bedroom an hour or so b4 you'd normally go to sleep. Instead of watching t.v., use that t.v. time as reconnect time. Or if you both happen to have the same day off, have a morning or afternoon romp. These types of things can easily bring back some fire in your relationship. They're different from your normal routine and sometimes a little variety is all that's needed.
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

thanks debrajean

I will try that out and see what happens and your right I need too look at my self and see if I am doing something wrong.
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I do think he has insecurities and he even says so, I know he is a good man but we do need counseling and we have had it. I think we may have to go back.
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Old 01-15-2008, 08:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

My wife and I decided not to ever have a TV in our bedroom. Our bedroom is a sacred space free from the outside world, a place for us to relax and retreat. We try not to fight in there either.

I think the others are right about communicating. There are needs that he's trying to meet through sex that can probably be met in other ways (like activities together, or perhaps he just needs praise). Have you read the Five Love Languages?
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Old 01-15-2008, 08:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

No I have not read the five languages. I am sure it's about communication.

things seem to be on the up and up but as time goes by sometimes sleep takes over and then days days have passed by without sex. Never more then a week but then he gets all insecure again. during the week there really is not any room for estra activity we are on a schedule with my son and we havve to be up by 5 am, this is passed my bed time. lol

He tells me sometimes that he is afraid to approach me. In my passed relationships I never had this problem before. I don't bite and I am never nasty with him. before we got married his longest relationship was six months. do you think that could be an issue too?
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Old 01-15-2008, 09:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

Often people who don't hold relationships for more then six-nine months don't for a real reason. Your brain creates chemicals at the start of a relationship giving an artifical high if you will but starts to come down. You then switch to mundane life, and build a real relationship that is more then just feelings.

I am sure that might be a part of it.

Like I have said in many posts communication is the key. Talk to him and let him get it all out and give him answers. I am only going to guess that he is the type to bottle things up. In the long run this isn't good and is rather self defeating.

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Old 01-16-2008, 07:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yes he does then he explodes and I can't get a word in. Like jekle and hide
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Old 01-16-2008, 09:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It sounds like he might be suffering from depression of some sort, is there any issue other then sex he might be getting stressed over such as money or his job?

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Old 01-17-2008, 08:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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no when theres sex all the time it's fine. However that's not reality. We work, we have a child, we both wake up at 5 in the mornign and go to bed around 9. we both work in the city so our commute is atleast an hour each way, so I feel like sometimes he is not realistic
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Men until they hit forty tend to want to have sex more often then women. Men are also turned on easier because they are more visual responcive. I think you and your husband (from what I have read) have a communication issue were each of you talk about issues but never listen to the other.

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Old 01-21-2008, 07:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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You may be right, because things have been going pretty good since I now have an outlet. To be continued.....
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Old 02-05-2008, 05:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: still fighting about sex

It sounds like your lifestyle is producing an incredible amount of stress. I would look at ways of reducing that stress. If you don't even have time for regular sex, life becomes a drag (I've been there before).

An hour commute each way is normal for many people, but I personally think it's far too much. There are so many alternatives to long commutes (flex time, working from home, moving closer to work, etc) and with the way the internet works, there's hardly an excuse for reducing your stress level.

I hope things continue to get better. Also, if it was you that commented anonymously on my blog - Thanks!
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Old 02-10-2008, 07:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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First of all, you are to be complimented for having made your relationship with your husband work for seven and a half years. This is an accomplishment in and of itself and you should be proud of it. There is a strong foundation of affection between the two of you, it just appears as though his response to sexual situations is out of proportion to the situation itself. I'm not suggesting that a healthy and consistent sexual appetite is wrong, only that the end result of that appetite should be the mutual culmination of pleasure.
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