Am I in the wrong?
This is my first post here on the forum, so I suppose I should start with a tid bit of backstory.
First of all, my husband and I are both in our twenties, he is three years older than I am. We've been married a year, and, yes, as most we say, we did marry young. Being young, I figured that our sex life would be... to put it bluntly, passionate and crazy. In the months leading up to our marriage, it was just that. We were incredibly open with each other, talked often, loved often, and were always thinking of new and exciting ways to be intimate.
The minute we moved into our home together, he became very distant. He didn't want to talk to me about my problems, but became very cross when I didn't tell him of mine. He would grow agitated if ever I had his phone in my hands or looked over his shoulder while he was browsing the internet. Worst of all, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He spent more time watching pornography and finding time to himself to please his needs, had photographs of random naked women as the backgrounds to his desktop and cellular device, and within the first three months, he had completely shut off any chances of getting close. I love my husband more than anything else in this world, and I gave up my college, social life, and career to move across the country to be with him.. so the shut down really hurt me. At that point, I will admit, I became horrible to be around. I didn't want to sleep in bed with him. I didn't want to talk to him. I was terrified that I'd made a decision that was the wrong one. After about two months of just keeping away from each other, my husband and I started to grow close again. He spoke to me about how I was feeling, and I agreed to, only if he talked to me as well. We both had a good cry, then we started sharing a bed once more. It didn't take long for his sex drive around me to dwindle to next to nothing, and suddenly, it seemed like I was having to beg for sex. I tried climbing on top of him, but he pushed me off. I tried asking for different ways to have sex, he wanted nothing or a quicky. I could put on a sexy outfit and flaunt my features; he would ignore it. After a while, I outright told him that I wanted to be more sexually active, and he really did try to comply... but whenever we had sex, it was out of pity for me. He didn't seem to like it at all. He would finish, get out, and go to sleep.. and leave me "hanging", so to speak.
Now, let me say, my husband works five to seven days a week, eight to ten hours a day. He works hard, and is often tired. I have worked around his schedule to try and put in time for sexual activity for when he is up and able. He usually ignores such scheduling, though, and apts to play video games until he is no longer awake enough to be intimate. If we do have sex, it is, as I feel, just something he does to get me to shut up.
Around three months ago, I discovered that my husband was having a long distance relationship with a woman that he has known for quite some time. It was not exactly a sexual relationship... more that it was a loving relationship. He would tell her about wanting to kiss her and hold her, be her "knight in shining armor" when she would speak of things troubling her. This was a woman that I had invited to our wedding, and she was knowledgeable that he was married. Of course, I didn't discover about this relationship until my husband and I actually traveled to the city where the woman lived. I know that it is terrible of me, but after he informed me that he was to visit her and stay the night, not to be worried because she was simply one of his closest friends, I began to distrust him. Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar. I let it slip by, and I didn't mind too much. But then he left his phone in my car-- and I did the horrible deed of going through his text messages. The two of them had been having secret relationship dating back to two months after our marriage, and maybe even earlier than that (I was too horrified to keep reading once I realized how long it had been going on). I confronted him, he promised that he would not speak with her again, promised nothing had happened between them (sexually), and informed me that he loved me more than anything else in this world.
After that, with the conformation and tears that he shed at the thought of losing me, our love seemed to be heightened. The sex was wonderful. He asked me what I enjoyed, tried to satisfy me every time before letting himself be satisfied... It was just the turn-over that we needed to get our marriage going again. He went to work, texted me up until he was on his way home, talked of what foods he liked, things that I should try cooking for him, ways to keep our life in bed exciting, what he liked me to wear.. It was so perfect. So, of course, it hardly lasted a month. He started saying that he was always tired again. Which, with how much he disliked his job, was completely fair. Then, he was always online. Then, he would always satisfy himself when I wasn't around. Okay. That's alright. At the very least, he hadn't started putting naked women on his phone and computer as he had before. We were still talking often about our troubles. But we were never having relations. And even though we slept in the same bed, it felt like we were miles apart. Physically and spiritually. We would try to cuddle, but would end up on opposite sides of the bed within minutes. Not long ago, I saw her name on his facebook.. he quickly shuts down his sites when I come by, so I doubt he knows that I saw... I don't want to mess up what little bit of love we still have. I feel like I am just not doing everything right. My husband is a very good person, but he does have a slight anger problem and gaming obsession. And he makes it clear that the PC is his main priority. It doesn't help that I am a terribly insecure woman, and the other woman is.. well, she is very beautiful and very well-off. I think back to their text messages, and he would wake in the mornings and send her messages to tell her that she is beautiful... and I am lucky to be called cute once a week.. I know that all of this just sounds like one horrible pity party, and it sort of is. I just. Have no idea what to do. I've talked about her before and nowadays, the subject just makes him incredibly defensive. He is literally all that I have here in this new town, and the thought that he has someone else when I have to rely solely on him for companionship.. I don't know. I want to be able to have sex with my husband two to three times a week. I want to be able to hear him say that he loves me without himself saying it condescendingly. I want to be able to give him a peck on the cheek or lips without him questioning what I am doing.. and I want to be reassured that he thinks that I am as beautiful as the day we became one person in holy matrimony. I know that my husband is an honest man.. and I hate how hard it is for me to trust him, especially now that he is starting to act as he did before.
Apologies for making this so long.