Am I in the wrong?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Am I in the wrong?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree12Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-10-2012, 10:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Am I in the wrong?

This is my first post here on the forum, so I suppose I should start with a tid bit of backstory.

First of all, my husband and I are both in our twenties, he is three years older than I am. We've been married a year, and, yes, as most we say, we did marry young. Being young, I figured that our sex life would be... to put it bluntly, passionate and crazy. In the months leading up to our marriage, it was just that. We were incredibly open with each other, talked often, loved often, and were always thinking of new and exciting ways to be intimate.

The minute we moved into our home together, he became very distant. He didn't want to talk to me about my problems, but became very cross when I didn't tell him of mine. He would grow agitated if ever I had his phone in my hands or looked over his shoulder while he was browsing the internet. Worst of all, he never wanted to be intimate with me. He spent more time watching pornography and finding time to himself to please his needs, had photographs of random naked women as the backgrounds to his desktop and cellular device, and within the first three months, he had completely shut off any chances of getting close. I love my husband more than anything else in this world, and I gave up my college, social life, and career to move across the country to be with him.. so the shut down really hurt me. At that point, I will admit, I became horrible to be around. I didn't want to sleep in bed with him. I didn't want to talk to him. I was terrified that I'd made a decision that was the wrong one. After about two months of just keeping away from each other, my husband and I started to grow close again. He spoke to me about how I was feeling, and I agreed to, only if he talked to me as well. We both had a good cry, then we started sharing a bed once more. It didn't take long for his sex drive around me to dwindle to next to nothing, and suddenly, it seemed like I was having to beg for sex. I tried climbing on top of him, but he pushed me off. I tried asking for different ways to have sex, he wanted nothing or a quicky. I could put on a sexy outfit and flaunt my features; he would ignore it. After a while, I outright told him that I wanted to be more sexually active, and he really did try to comply... but whenever we had sex, it was out of pity for me. He didn't seem to like it at all. He would finish, get out, and go to sleep.. and leave me "hanging", so to speak.

Now, let me say, my husband works five to seven days a week, eight to ten hours a day. He works hard, and is often tired. I have worked around his schedule to try and put in time for sexual activity for when he is up and able. He usually ignores such scheduling, though, and apts to play video games until he is no longer awake enough to be intimate. If we do have sex, it is, as I feel, just something he does to get me to shut up.

Around three months ago, I discovered that my husband was having a long distance relationship with a woman that he has known for quite some time. It was not exactly a sexual relationship... more that it was a loving relationship. He would tell her about wanting to kiss her and hold her, be her "knight in shining armor" when she would speak of things troubling her. This was a woman that I had invited to our wedding, and she was knowledgeable that he was married. Of course, I didn't discover about this relationship until my husband and I actually traveled to the city where the woman lived. I know that it is terrible of me, but after he informed me that he was to visit her and stay the night, not to be worried because she was simply one of his closest friends, I began to distrust him. Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar. I let it slip by, and I didn't mind too much. But then he left his phone in my car-- and I did the horrible deed of going through his text messages. The two of them had been having secret relationship dating back to two months after our marriage, and maybe even earlier than that (I was too horrified to keep reading once I realized how long it had been going on). I confronted him, he promised that he would not speak with her again, promised nothing had happened between them (sexually), and informed me that he loved me more than anything else in this world.

After that, with the conformation and tears that he shed at the thought of losing me, our love seemed to be heightened. The sex was wonderful. He asked me what I enjoyed, tried to satisfy me every time before letting himself be satisfied... It was just the turn-over that we needed to get our marriage going again. He went to work, texted me up until he was on his way home, talked of what foods he liked, things that I should try cooking for him, ways to keep our life in bed exciting, what he liked me to wear.. It was so perfect. So, of course, it hardly lasted a month. He started saying that he was always tired again. Which, with how much he disliked his job, was completely fair. Then, he was always online. Then, he would always satisfy himself when I wasn't around. Okay. That's alright. At the very least, he hadn't started putting naked women on his phone and computer as he had before. We were still talking often about our troubles. But we were never having relations. And even though we slept in the same bed, it felt like we were miles apart. Physically and spiritually. We would try to cuddle, but would end up on opposite sides of the bed within minutes. Not long ago, I saw her name on his facebook.. he quickly shuts down his sites when I come by, so I doubt he knows that I saw... I don't want to mess up what little bit of love we still have. I feel like I am just not doing everything right. My husband is a very good person, but he does have a slight anger problem and gaming obsession. And he makes it clear that the PC is his main priority. It doesn't help that I am a terribly insecure woman, and the other woman is.. well, she is very beautiful and very well-off. I think back to their text messages, and he would wake in the mornings and send her messages to tell her that she is beautiful... and I am lucky to be called cute once a week.. I know that all of this just sounds like one horrible pity party, and it sort of is. I just. Have no idea what to do. I've talked about her before and nowadays, the subject just makes him incredibly defensive. He is literally all that I have here in this new town, and the thought that he has someone else when I have to rely solely on him for companionship.. I don't know. I want to be able to have sex with my husband two to three times a week. I want to be able to hear him say that he loves me without himself saying it condescendingly. I want to be able to give him a peck on the cheek or lips without him questioning what I am doing.. and I want to be reassured that he thinks that I am as beautiful as the day we became one person in holy matrimony. I know that my husband is an honest man.. and I hate how hard it is for me to trust him, especially now that he is starting to act as he did before.

Apologies for making this so long.
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-10-2012, 11:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

How did you meet your husband?

Was yours a long distance relationship before you married?
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Oddly enough, yes, we were. My husband and I grew up in the same home town and dated for a bit over a year, then broke it off so that I could focus on school and work. After that, however, he joined the military, and from there we got together once again and became a long distance relationship.

Edit: We met through a mutual church friend.
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
Oddly enough, yes, we were. My husband and I grew up in the same home town and dated for a bit over a year, then broke it off so that I could focus on school and work. After that, however, he joined the military, and from there we got together once again and became a long distance relationship.

Edit: We met through a mutual church friend.
Your husband is a typical person addicted to games, online porn, online sex, cyber relationships and long distance relationships.

As soon as you moved in with him he cannot deal with you. The fantasy caused by cyber connection and long distance is gone. You are now read and he cannot handle a real relationship. With gaming , internet porn and social media this kind of thing is becoming very common.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Well, as much as he is more or less that kind of person, when we dated before marrying, we did live together, and we had no such problems what-so-ever. But, I will talk to him about what you're saying, and I very much appreciate the advice!
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
My husband is a very good person, but he does have a slight anger problem and gaming obsession.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
I know that my husband is an honest man.. and I hate how hard it is for me to trust him, especially now that he is starting to act as he did before.
Your husband is not a good man… a good man does not treat his wife the way he is treating you.

Your husband is a liar. He has been lying to you this entire marriage while he has an affair with another woman.

He is not honest and you know it no matter what words you write. This is why you do not trust him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
. I know that it is terrible of me, but after he informed me that he was to visit her and stay the night, not to be worried because she was simply one of his closest friends, I began to distrust him. Believe me when I say that my husband is many things, but he is most certainly not a liar. I let it slip by, and I didn't mind too much.
Why would you go along with your husband sleeping over at another woman’s house? Of course he has sex with you. He took you on a trip to her city so he could have sex with her. Let that sink in.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
But then he left his phone in my car-- and I did the horrible deed of going through his text messages. The two of them had been having secret relationship dating back to two months after our marriage, and maybe even earlier than that (I was too horrified to keep reading once I realized how long it had been going on).
There is really no privacy in marriage. You have every right to look through his stuff just as he does your stuff. Your very mental and physical health can be at risk for things he does, so you have the right to protect yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
I confronted him, he promised that he would not speak with her again, promised nothing had happened between them (sexually), and informed me that he loved me more than anything else in this world.
A person who loves you does not treat you this way. You are convient for him. You are around and company.

Do you keep house for him?

Can you go back to where you lived before and get back into your life? I feel so badly for you. What he is doing it not right. It’s a form of serious mental/emotional abuse. Have you told anyone back home, your friends and family, about this? You need help to get out of this marriage before there is nothing left of your self worth.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DNAlchemist View Post
Well, as much as he is more or less that kind of person, when we dated before marrying, we did live together, and we had no such problems what-so-ever. But, I will talk to him about what you're saying, and I very much appreciate the advice!
Look up internet addiction and porn addiction.

I was married to a man like your husband. It's a pattern that we see often.

Your husband is having an affair. You need to deal with that as well. He has to give her up, write her a no-contact letter. He has to prove to you that he has ended the relationship.

Go to the coping with infidelity forum. That's where this thread belongs anyway.

You can ask a moderator to move it there.

You need help in knowing how to deal with this. You gave up way too much to have thrown it away to be treated this way.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

I spoke only to my two closest friends about the issue, and both told me to stay with him. Sadly, the only people I would have back in my old home town are his parents, as my old home was lost, as was my job, due to the marriage. I would love to say that I could go back, but as my own parents were both physically and emotionally abusive, I would merely be worse off there..

As for keeping house, yes, I do keep house for him.

And with your helpful advice, I do have a hard time seeing his relationship with the women as cheating. I can't in my heart believe that he did have relations with her.. but I will take your words into heavy consideration. I will definitely look into the infidelity forum, and once my husband returns home (he is currently on a business trip), I will be speaking with him on the issues.
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

How old are your two closest friends? Do they come from abusive homes?

If you cannot move back home then it would be wise for you to get back into school and get a job where you are. Start getting out and meet people. YOu need this.

I also suggest that you find a counselor at an abused woman's organizaion. Yes you are being abused. Please get help for yourself. You might not want to tell him that you are going as it might see it as threatening.

If you want to know what your husband is up to you could put a keylogger on his computer and even his cell phone.

You can also download texts, even deleted ones from many cell phones.

Another thing that helps to find out what's going on is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Hide it in a place like under the front seat... securred with strong adhesive backed velcro. Most people who cheat talk to their affair partners in the car to and from work.

Are you sure that he is working all those extra hours? Have you seen his pay stubs to verity it?
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2012, 11:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

One is a year older, the other a year younger, and yes, they both come from abusive homes.

I've been looking for work around a month now, but have been setting money aside for emergencies.

I... am unsure as to how to do either of those things (keylogs?), but am currently speaking with a friend that knows more of these things than I do, so I'm looking into it at the moment.

We share a car and I take him to and from work. As he is in the military, I am able to monitor what he does here on base fairly easily.. At the very least, I know he is not having any sort of affair here in town.. I am more worried about the deeper relationship he had with a woman that was his best friend (yet somehow I had not even met her) and how it affected our intimate relationship in our own home.
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2012, 12:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

It makes sense that your friends are from abusive homes... they do not seem to recognize that you are being abused.

Have you tried applying for financial aid to got to school? I don't know your husband's rank.. his pay might be low enough that you can get financial aid. and with that you might be able to get a work study job. You may also beable to get some education funding as a military spouse.

Have you been putting the money into an account in your name only? You need to.

A keylogger is a program that is installed on a computer. It will capture verything that is typed in. In the good ones also capture screen shots. Get one that sends the files to an email account or to a website where you can get the logs. Also setup a seperate, secret gmail account to use when you get it. That way he will not see any emails it sends.

Do you ahve your own computer? Or do you have to use his?

He was probably in a relationsihp wiht her all along. You invited her to your wedding. Did she come? Might she be married?
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2012, 12:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Please do create a new thread in coping with infidelity so that you get more help. there are a lot of people there who can help you as well.

Just copy your first post into the new thread
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2012, 12:23 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

Well, as they know about the abuse that I received growing up, they see it more as trading one evil for a lesser evil.. So I understand their view of the situation.

My husband has money for both of us to go to school, but as we planned to go to school at the same time, when he gets out of the services, going to school without him would be.. problematic.

I don't have an account for my name only at the present, and I have been keeping what I do have in a hidden safe in my home. Sadly, it's not enough to do much of anything with; we live penny by penny..

Do these keylogs cost much? I don't have very much money at my disposal..

I have my own computer, thankfully.

I... figured that he was.. but as stated, I could not bring myself to delve much deeper. It hurts knowing that he doesn't love me as much as our vows might have entailed us to love each other, but it hurts me more to go behind his back to try and out him. And, no.. she did not come to our wedding. No, she isn't married.. She lives with her parents in my husband and my home town..

Edit: I was unsure about double posting; is there a specific admin that I may contact about moving the thread?
DNAlchemist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2012, 12:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

I set a PM to both you and a moderator to have it moved.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2012, 12:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 13,922
Default Re: Am I in the wrong?

How long before your husband gets out of the military?

One thing you could bring up to him is that if you went to school right now it will help financially. You can take a few classes as possible to go slow so that you will still be in school when he gets out.

Plus, if you are togther.. with you being further along you will be able to bring in more $$ to support yourself. I know a lot of ex-military who are not taking advantage of their GI Bill benefits now that they are out of the military because they cannot afford to go to school and not work full time.. even with the benefits.

I might be wrong, but I think that there are military benefits available to you now that he is in the military that will not be available to you once he is out. So the two of you could lose $1000's of dollars of ed benefits if you don't use them now.

Why not check just check into what is available to you now? There must be an office on base that helps depent wives with this stuff. Find out and then make up your minds. If he finds out that you can bring in a some extra $$ every month by going to school he might just go along with it.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
relationships, sex, trust

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Menage a Trois gone wrong....so wrong EbonyBreal The Ladies' Lounge 72 07-16-2012 11:26 PM
WTH is wrong with me right now? COguy General Relationship Discussion 32 01-27-2012 02:01 PM
What should I do? Am I wrong? lostinlove2002 General Relationship Discussion 3 08-15-2010 06:49 AM
What am I doing wrong??? sarah1971 General Relationship Discussion 3 07-06-2010 03:57 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:52 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage