My wife and I have 8 children and have been married for over 16 years.
8 kids in 16 years means your wife has been pregnant or nursing for your entire marriage. The hormones in a woman's body during pregnancy and/or nursing can kill libido. Also, she may be afraid of having more children, so she avoids sex for that reason. Although, if she's been like this for your entire marriage, it's likely that fear of pregnancy is not the reason.
She has told me that if I tell her I need her, then she will let me make love to her. She does not plan or schedule to make love to me.
Men have spontaneous sexual desire. It's always in us under the surface and can pop up if the wind blows. Women are responsive. They usually need us to start things up before they get in the mood. Don't try to get your wife to initiate before you fix the other issues you have. That part of your marriage is normal.
Ways I try to help her, as I recognize she has a lot on her plate:
Do all the grocery shopping. ...
Pay all the bills. ...
Take care of all the sick kids ...
Cook on the weekends. ...
Fix her computer ...
Watch kids happily when she goes out
Clean our bathroom ...
Sweep all floor in main areas
Vacuum the bedroom floor
Take kids to and from school
Take care of kids on Saturday for as long as she wants to sleep, so she can get caught up on sleep
Give her 45 minute pedicure on Sundays
Give her a back/shoulder rub/massage almost every day of the week, as she is going to sleep, many times as I’m making love to her.
Holy sh!t!!! Dude, just stop right there. You're not her husband. You're her butler. Women aren't sexually attracted to butlers. When you listen to your daughters talk about what kind of man they want to be with when they grow up, have they ever mentioned "butler" as an attractive option? Most girls would choose rock star, or professional athlete, or doctor, or lawyer, or politician. Most girls would rank butler way, WAY down the list of attractive careers.
Your wife doesn't work outside the home and you have two jobs, right? So she can handle her own affairs in the home. Vacuum the floors. Cook. Shop.
Hurtful things she has said:
“Why can’t we go back to before we were married?” ... I’ve even asked for clarification and she says that the absence of sex was part of what she was talking about.
“A true man of God wouldn’t ask his wife to dress in something sexy. “ I don’t have any rebuttal to this.
These are known as "sh!t tests" or "fitness tests." As in, "I wonder how much of my sh!t this man will take before he puts me in my place?" In order to pass the test, you need to take very little sh!t. It sounds like you take it all and keep asking for more. That's bad.
Desire – As someone said, “sorry, but this is a lame excuse ... do you go to the gym only when you have a desire to? or go to work only when you desire to? Or change a diaper only when you desire to? Or do anything for that matter only when you desire to? No, we all do things every single day because we should, and it's the right thing to do!”
That is absolutely true. But women don't think that way. Women don't have sex because it's the right thing to do. Women have sex because they're turned on.
If you could debate women into having sex, then the debate team would get all the girls in high school instead of the football team. But that's not how it works out. Women are attracted to good looking, physically fit, assertive, confident men. And they will gladly have sex with those men regardless of whether it is the right thing to do. And they will stubbornly resist sex with lesser men regardless of whether they should.
Your best bet is to become a physically fit, assertive, confident man.
Am I wrong to want more sex?
2-3 times a week
Are you saying you want sex 2-3 times a week, or that you have sex 2-3 times a week, but would like more? Either way, you're not wrong. A little over twice a week is the average for married couples. Some men need more than that.
Am I wrong to want better quality sex?
She wears something sexy
She stays awake
She tells me what to do, what she likes
Is there something wrong for me to want these things?
Nope. Your wife's wedding vows were probably the standard, "love, honor, cherish, obey" vows. They probably didn't include, "begrudgingly provide the minimum affection necessary to keep your husband from leaving you."
As I said before, it is possible that your wife's hormone levels are more or less permanently out of whack. You could have a doctor run some tests on that. If her hormones are abnormal, then you probably just have to wait until you're finished having children before her hormones return to normal.
It is also possible that there is another man in the picture. I know she has lots of kids around during the day, but you said she is very active at church. Adultery happens in churches just like any place else. If your wife is spending time with another man, it is possible that she is either having an affair, or just fantasizing about this man and directing her libido at him instead of you. Check her phone records, email/Facebook messages to verify that this isn't happening.
The most likely culprit is you. Your wife isn't attracted to you. You are her butler. You take her crap and ask for more. She doesn't respect you because of this. There has never been a romance novel written that involves a man who just takes a woman's crap until she finally decides that he's suffered enough and she will now love him and have sex with him. You need to change yourself to be more attractive to her.
Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
and start looking at the archives. Go to post #1 and spend some time reading. Then, buy his book and run the MAP.