Am I wrong?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Am I wrong?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-16-2012, 09:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Default Am I wrong?

Here is the background:
My wife and I have 8 children and have been married for over 16 years. We are both very active in our church, holding many positions in our local congregation. I have struggled for almost all our married life with feeling like she wonít place a higher priority on sexual fulfillment. She doesnít seem to be interested in it and will rarely make love to me of her own accord -- without my asking, or sometimes begging. Iíve come to the point of just feeling like I will never ask for sex againÖ or mention it. But then I feel like thereís a part of my marriage missing and feel like Iím going crazy sometimes. I canít sleep in the same bed because it drives me crazy. She has told me that if I tell her I need her, then she will let me make love to her. She does not plan or schedule to make love to me. She does not talk about it at all. She gets upset with me for making oblique references or innuendo toward it. When she does let me love her, many times it is right as she goes to sleep, already under the covers, and she falls asleep about 1-2 minutes into it. I rarely see her in any state of undress, even though Iíve told her I would like to see more of her. She doesnít want any type of orgasm, even though I have told her I would do whatever it takes as many times and as often as she wants until she has an orgasm. Iíve asked her to tell me what she likes, to direct me to do whatever she wants, and her response is, ďI donít know what I want, you should know that!Ē -- every time. Iíve had an incredible number of discussions trying to help her understand how important sex is to meÖ that I feel acceptance and love and the desire to be with her increases immensely when she will offer her heart to me and we can be one. I have tried going on dates with her, but I have stopped planning them because Iíve told her itís not a date if we talk about the kids the whole time we are on the date. I still invite her to go places with me after work. I listen to her any time she wants to talk to me, turning off whatever Iím listening to at the time (music, podcasts) and ACTIVELY listening to her. I call her during work. I write messages on the mirror that only show up when the bathroomís steamy. Every time I go for a walk (for exercise) I invite her to come and ACTIVELY listen to her the whole way. I buy her little gifts that will show her how much I love her. I enjoy doing all these things. I donít think in my mind, ďThis will get me SEX later!Ē although I did many years ago. Iíve explained to her that I do them because I enjoy doing them with her. Sometimes she says thereís something wrong with me for wanting more than what I have. Sometimes she says maybe there is something wrong with her, but she is working on it. Sad thing is, I donít know what she is working on. She says cleaning the house makes her feel like making love, but I rarely see that and if she said to me, ďHey, letís clean the house together so we can make love later!Ē I would be like greased lightning whipping around the house so fast and cleaning everything up. Now, she does currently nurse our little 1 year old (1-2 times a day, when putting to sleep) and has nursed some type of child for many years, but when I see all the other things she accomplishes in a day and in her life, I canít understand how she wouldnít be able to make more of an effort. Iíve had difficulty feeling close to her and sharing thoughts and feelings in my life, but I have for many months (possibly a year?) been making sure I tell every little event or thought I had while at work so she is completely aware of all in my heart and mind. Yet nothing changesÖ
Ways I try to help her, as I recognize she has a lot on her plate:
Do all the grocery shopping. I buy all the things she asks for, and so many she doesnít
Pay all the bills. Not because Iím OCD like that, just to help her so she wonít have to worry about it.
Take care of all the sick kids (except for littlest baby, who is in our bed most of the night) that wake up during the night, to make sure she gets a somewhat uninterrupted night of sleep
Cook on the weekends. I cook all day on Sunday and 1-2 meals (Cereal on Sat doesnít count as Ďcookingí, but I make sure that goes down without a hitch). I pinch hit on some days where she has been out and about or canít think of anything to cook.
Fix her computer or anything technical as soon as she asks (thatís my 2nd job, as a PC tech)
Watch kids happily when she goes out
Clean our bathroom (showers, toilets, sinks, trash full of diapers, sweep, change towels)
Sweep all floor in main areas
Vacuum the bedroom floor
Take kids to and from school
Take care of kids on Saturday for as long as she wants to sleep, so she can get caught up on sleep
Give her 45 minute pedicure on Sundays
Give her a back/shoulder rub/massage almost every day of the week, as she is going to sleep, many times as Iím making love to her.
Hurtful things she has said:
ďWhy canít we go back to before we were married?Ē She says she means to date more, but Iíve told her I am open and available for dates any time she wants, so Iím more inclined to think she means a time where sex wasnít involved in the equation. Iíve even asked for clarification and she says that the absence of sex was part of what she was talking about.
ďA true man of God wouldnít ask his wife to dress in something sexy. ď I donít have any rebuttal to this. Iíve explained that Iíve asked her to do this for me as a way to show she is committed to making love and that it is a part of getting me excited and focusing her attention as I think she is beautiful and so incredibly wonderful to look at. Her mind wanders AS Iím making love to her, and she sometimes will be on a completely different subject, or bring up hurtful topics while Iím working hard to make her feel good
Things to rule out:
Depression Ė She was singing, whistling a hymn all through her shower. I can generally make her laugh numerous times a day. She completes all sorts of activities during the day and has all sorts of goals which she is actively working toward.
Obesity Ė My weight is about 20 lbs overweight (185, 5í11Ē, 38 yrs); Wife is 5í10Ē and gorgeous, to me Ė and Iíve told her so MANY times!
Desire Ė As someone said, ďsorry, but this is a lame excuse ... do you go to the gym only when you have a desire to? or go to work only when you desire to? Or change a diaper only when you desire to? Or do anything for that matter only when you desire to? No, we all do things every single day because we should, and it's the right thing to do!Ē
Financial concerns Ė I make a good living (working 2 jobs), to the point that she doesnít need to work (and doesnít!) and can have many things she wants. She receives an allowance of any amount she chooses each month and I have faithfully paid it (and more, if she needs me to!) and has access to all our bank accounts.
After all this (thank you for your patience!) here are the questions I have:
Am I wrong to want more sex?
2-3 times a week
Am I wrong to want better quality sex?
She wears something sexy
She stays awake
She tells me what to do, what she likes
Enjoys herself
Is there something wrong for me to want these things?
BlindNoMore is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-16-2012, 10:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
JediG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA.
Posts: 15
Default Re: Am I wrong?

There's nothing wrong with you for wanting those things, but damn dude if I had eight kids I wouldn't exactly feel like being sexy or doing anything like that either. How on earth do you even have the energy to want it?
JediG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2012, 10:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Thanks JediG! You gave me a good laugh... I don't know where the energy comes from... I guess it's a miracle! I do know that I'm grateful for each one of those 8 kids. They've all taught me different things, and maybe increased my stamina a bit, as well! Like training for a marathon... You don't start out running 26 miles...
BlindNoMore is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2012, 11:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 162
Default Re: Am I wrong?

8 kids in 16 years! She's been pregnant most of your marriage and that has likely killed her sex drive. Read through the articles together in the sex and intimacy section of the Focus on the Family website (Sex and Intimacy - Focus on the Family). There's alot of good information about God's intentions of sex in marriage. There's also a lot of good practical advice and insight into how men and women think about sex.
confusedFather is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2012, 11:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: Am I wrong?

You clearly dont realize how childbirth effects a womans body. Its not wrong to want more or better quality sex but if you want that then be more compassionate toward your wife. lugging around another human inside ones body is no easy task. They literally suck the energy out of a woman both during and after pregnancy.

Pushing one out sure aint easy either. Her body needs time to heal. Take it easy with her for petes sake and think of her well being.
Posted via Mobile Device
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2012, 11:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: Am I wrong?

I do have to admit... Her mind wandering during sex and her bringing up hurtful topics seems odd. Maybe get her to a doctor?
Posted via Mobile Device
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-16-2012, 11:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 4,168
Default

Is she still fertile? Do you insist she not be on birth control? Could she be leery of child #9? With 8 kids I would think sex would feel like a prelude to a bunch of work.
WorkingOnMe is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 02:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,468
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Incredible actually, I really admire OP's stamina. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to handle 8 kids and still be alive!
RandomDude is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 03:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 481
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Other people have addressed various issues, like 'How many????' and 'Aren't you just tired?'

So I'm just going to pick up one point.

you say '[she wants to] date more, but I’ve told her I am open and available for dates any time she wants'

I'm not sure that's going to cut it.
As I understand it, women like to be wooed, even after marriage - so rather than being available for dates, plan them - sort the babysitting, book the restaurant (and maybe room overnight?) don't tell her what's happening - just that she needs to be available. Have it all planned out, so it goes smoothly. Dress nice. Smell nice. Be assertive, but attentive. Then tell her what's happening, as it's about to happen, but make sure it's something she'll like, and would have chosen if she'd dared to. (I'm not saying order her meal for her - unless she'd like that - hopefully you'd know - but limit her options to things you've made available for her benefit.)

And when you tell her that you're not going home, there's a room booked, and actually you're going upstairs now, and in the room there's a piece of lingerie for her to put on after her bath ....

... well, try it, and see what happens

And you might find it improves things for the rest of week (or month, if you're lucky.)

And the NEXT time you say 'leave Friday night free ... and Saturday morning' - she's likely to respond positively.

Just a thought, but women tend to like men to be men, but to know that they're focused on their woman. Works for me ...
Rags is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 08:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,243
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
My wife and I have 8 children and have been married for over 16 years.
8 kids in 16 years means your wife has been pregnant or nursing for your entire marriage. The hormones in a woman's body during pregnancy and/or nursing can kill libido. Also, she may be afraid of having more children, so she avoids sex for that reason. Although, if she's been like this for your entire marriage, it's likely that fear of pregnancy is not the reason.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
She has told me that if I tell her I need her, then she will let me make love to her. She does not plan or schedule to make love to me.
Men have spontaneous sexual desire. It's always in us under the surface and can pop up if the wind blows. Women are responsive. They usually need us to start things up before they get in the mood. Don't try to get your wife to initiate before you fix the other issues you have. That part of your marriage is normal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
Ways I try to help her, as I recognize she has a lot on her plate:
Do all the grocery shopping. ...
Pay all the bills. ...
Take care of all the sick kids ...
Cook on the weekends. ...
Fix her computer ...
Watch kids happily when she goes out
Clean our bathroom ...
Sweep all floor in main areas
Vacuum the bedroom floor
Take kids to and from school
Take care of kids on Saturday for as long as she wants to sleep, so she can get caught up on sleep
Give her 45 minute pedicure on Sundays
Give her a back/shoulder rub/massage almost every day of the week, as she is going to sleep, many times as I’m making love to her.
Holy sh!t!!! Dude, just stop right there. You're not her husband. You're her butler. Women aren't sexually attracted to butlers. When you listen to your daughters talk about what kind of man they want to be with when they grow up, have they ever mentioned "butler" as an attractive option? Most girls would choose rock star, or professional athlete, or doctor, or lawyer, or politician. Most girls would rank butler way, WAY down the list of attractive careers.

Your wife doesn't work outside the home and you have two jobs, right? So she can handle her own affairs in the home. Vacuum the floors. Cook. Shop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
Hurtful things she has said:
“Why can’t we go back to before we were married?” ... I’ve even asked for clarification and she says that the absence of sex was part of what she was talking about.
“A true man of God wouldn’t ask his wife to dress in something sexy. “ I don’t have any rebuttal to this.
These are known as "sh!t tests" or "fitness tests." As in, "I wonder how much of my sh!t this man will take before he puts me in my place?" In order to pass the test, you need to take very little sh!t. It sounds like you take it all and keep asking for more. That's bad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
Desire – As someone said, “sorry, but this is a lame excuse ... do you go to the gym only when you have a desire to? or go to work only when you desire to? Or change a diaper only when you desire to? Or do anything for that matter only when you desire to? No, we all do things every single day because we should, and it's the right thing to do!”
That is absolutely true. But women don't think that way. Women don't have sex because it's the right thing to do. Women have sex because they're turned on.

If you could debate women into having sex, then the debate team would get all the girls in high school instead of the football team. But that's not how it works out. Women are attracted to good looking, physically fit, assertive, confident men. And they will gladly have sex with those men regardless of whether it is the right thing to do. And they will stubbornly resist sex with lesser men regardless of whether they should.

Your best bet is to become a physically fit, assertive, confident man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
Am I wrong to want more sex?
2-3 times a week
Are you saying you want sex 2-3 times a week, or that you have sex 2-3 times a week, but would like more? Either way, you're not wrong. A little over twice a week is the average for married couples. Some men need more than that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
Am I wrong to want better quality sex?
She wears something sexy
She stays awake
She tells me what to do, what she likes
Enjoys herself
Is there something wrong for me to want these things?
Nope. Your wife's wedding vows were probably the standard, "love, honor, cherish, obey" vows. They probably didn't include, "begrudgingly provide the minimum affection necessary to keep your husband from leaving you."

As I said before, it is possible that your wife's hormone levels are more or less permanently out of whack. You could have a doctor run some tests on that. If her hormones are abnormal, then you probably just have to wait until you're finished having children before her hormones return to normal.

It is also possible that there is another man in the picture. I know she has lots of kids around during the day, but you said she is very active at church. Adultery happens in churches just like any place else. If your wife is spending time with another man, it is possible that she is either having an affair, or just fantasizing about this man and directing her libido at him instead of you. Check her phone records, email/Facebook messages to verify that this isn't happening.

The most likely culprit is you. Your wife isn't attracted to you. You are her butler. You take her crap and ask for more. She doesn't respect you because of this. There has never been a romance novel written that involves a man who just takes a woman's crap until she finally decides that he's suffered enough and she will now love him and have sex with him. You need to change yourself to be more attractive to her.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and start looking at the archives. Go to post #1 and spend some time reading. Then, buy his book and run the MAP.

Good luck.

Last edited by PHTlump; 12-17-2012 at 02:35 PM.
PHTlump is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 09:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
ScaredandUnsure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Somewhere in the world
Posts: 737
Default Re: Am I wrong?

If you two are done having kids, you should get a vasectomy. I wouldn't ask a woman who already seems to have a low libido to go on anything hormonal for BC. Bet she's afraid of getting pregnant again.
ScaredandUnsure is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 09:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Default Re: Am I wrong?

You folks are great! I appreciate your perspective. That's what I was looking for! I will have more patience and compassion and start planning the dates again. I'll work on being more firm. I really do want to take care of her, I enjoy it, but maybe it does distort her image of me. Certainly something to consider.

As for number of children, she has asked for each and every one of them. I have always been sensitive to her requests in that area and she has wanted a large family. She is 40 now and she does say she doesn't know if she'll have more children, but has not said she wants to keep that from happening.

Once again, the links and comments have been helpful. Thank you.
BlindNoMore is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 09:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: west surburban chicago
Posts: 6,762
Default Re: Am I wrong?

There are other hobbies I mean I can teach you how to golf.
tom67 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 11:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Maricha75's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4,788
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Ok, the part that got me was “A true man of God wouldn’t ask his wife to dress in something sexy.“ No... a true man of God wouldn't ask his wife to wear something sexy and show it off to OTHERS. Wearing sexy clothes for your spouse? Absolutely NOTHING wrong with this.
Maricha75 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2012, 02:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,243
Default Re: Am I wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlindNoMore View Post
I'll work on being more firm. I really do want to take care of her, I enjoy it, but maybe it does distort her image of me. Certainly something to consider.
Athol Kay wrote a post about this just last week.
Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math | Married Man Sex Life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Athol Kay;
Butler Ė This is when Betaized turns into Betash!t Crazy. If your wife is a SAHMÖ and youíre the one both holding down a job AND running about cooking, cleaning, taxi driving the kids everywhere, grocery shopping, yada yada yadaÖ. youíre doing her whole damn job for her!
Read the post. You need to run the MAP and change your marriage from being a lady and her butler to being a Captain with his First Officer. That's usually when the sex comes.
PHTlump is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Menage a Trois gone wrong....so wrong EbonyBreal The Ladies' Lounge 72 07-16-2012 11:26 PM
WTH is wrong with me right now? COguy General Relationship Discussion 32 01-27-2012 02:01 PM
What should I do? Am I wrong? lostinlove2002 General Relationship Discussion 3 08-15-2010 06:49 AM
What am I doing wrong??? sarah1971 General Relationship Discussion 3 07-06-2010 03:57 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:50 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage