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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-25-2009, 08:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No sex newlywed

Why does this happen? I'm practically a newlywed i've been married for 3 months only and I identify with most stories that I've read about husbands not wanting to have sex with their wives. I thought that our honeymoon would be all about having sex and it wasn't. My husband hardly wanted any sex and it has been about 3 weeks now with no sex whatsoever, he doesn't even touch me. He's been working out and going to the gym a lot lately so I don't know if he wants to look better other women. I lost my job recently and I don't know if that has made me less attractive and appealing to him. Should I give up and finish things now that we don't have children? I know it's too early but I just can't imagine a life wothout any sex. It's like living with a male buddy and I hate it. He's my husband not just my friend. Please help. I don't know what to do.
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Old 06-25-2009, 10:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Tell him you're going to file for an annulment (you don't actually have to) due to the no consummation issue.

THEN SIT HIM DOWN AND TALK! If you love someone enough to marry them, sex is a part of it (though not all of it).

Obviously, there's the counselor option.

But If I'm seeing someone and the sex is great before marriage and drops off after...I'd be much likely to ever marry again. Keep it fresh, spice it up...whatever it takes.
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Old 06-26-2009, 11:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks for replying, he doesn't believe in counseling so I guess that's out of the question. I do spice it up i wear sexy underwear and i even bought a nighty but I put it on and I got no answer so it just made me feel ridiculous and with no desire of trying again I don't deal that good with rejection and specially coming from my husband plus I don't know if I could take feeling that way again.
Sex before we got married was amazing. My H was the first man to give me an orgasm. At first we just couldn't get enough and we had sex about 8 times a day. I'm not asking for so much sex now but at least once a week. I'm wondering if he just doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. Yesterday I talked about it with him and he told me that just because we hadn't had sex on the weekend we had to HAVE sex and later i fell asleep but caught him watching porn, so i guess that it's not that he doesn't want to have sex he just doesn't want to have it with me, and if he's not having it with me I wonder if he's getting it somewhere else. I didn't tell him anything about it but I had trouble falling back asleep thinking and crying about what went wrong in my relationship and how it hurts to feel rejected and undesireable. I haven't put on more weight or changed a lot since we got together so I just can't put my finger on what is going on and why this is going on at such an early stage of our marriage. I feel like we've been married for 25 years now and its only been 3 months!! I don't think I can spend the rest of my life feeling like this, so hopeless. Thanks for replying, any help now is very mportant to me.
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Old 06-26-2009, 11:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Smith View Post
Should I give up and finish things now that we don't have children? I know it's too early but I just can't imagine a life wothout any sex. It's like living with a male buddy and I hate it. (
Yes, I think you should divorce him very quickly because if he's off sex so early in the relationship, it means he has very big issues that won't be sorted out in a hurry. I wrote a thread about your type of situation, see what you think: The difference between men and women who go off sex.
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Last edited by MarkTwain; 06-26-2009 at 12:07 PM.
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Old 06-26-2009, 02:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Personally I think that before you divorce (or threaten to divorce him), explain to him EXACTLY how you feel, and what your needs are. Tell him that you cannot and will not live in a sexless/loveless marriage and you want him to man-up and be YOUR man... If he doesn't straighten out after that, then I can't blame you for leaving, but at least you gave him a fair shot and were honest w/ him. You really need to communicate honestly and open w/ him though because if he doesn't understand how serious this issue is to you, you will only build up loads of resentment for him (with MT's article explains more about) and even if later in your marriage he realizes what wrong he is doing and wants to fix it, this resentment you will hold will only complicate things further.

I know in my situation my wife with-held sex alot from me and that's why I went off on porn. I told her straight-up, porn is not a substitution for her, I'd rather have her anytime, but porn is my "backup" if you will for when she's not available or in the mood. Porn isn't so bad in moderation, but alot of guys become addicted to it and would rather whack to porn than be w/ their wives and that is wrong.

Just my .02 though...
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Old 06-29-2009, 10:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I agree with UASF1982. I think you ought to at least try to get him to tell you what the deal is, and explain to him how you feel about the situation.

Don't forget that there might be a medical explanation as well. Extra stress or hormonal imbalances, or all sorts of things. I would ask him if he doesn't feel the desire for sex, then would he consider getting a physical to make sure that all the plumbings working okay.

To me, though, the most worrisome thing is that he seems unwilling to talk to you about it. Your spouse should be the one person that you can (even should!) talk to about anything. Approach the subject with the understanding that it likely will be difficult/embarrassing for him to want to open up about it, and you might find a little better success.

I know of a few good programs and books that may be useful too, if you are interested.

Fix Your Sexless Marriage: An End To Lonely Nights


This is a good alternative to counseling if your H doesn't want to go.
Marriage Fitness

I don't think you should give up just yet. Keep divorce as an option, but if you really love him and want to stay married to him (assuming the sex problem can be fixed), then I think you owe it to yourself to try.

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Sexless Marriage Tips

Last edited by RyanT; 06-29-2009 at 10:40 AM.
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

hi mrs. smith....i am same as you as well as newlywed wife....

i do not have an answer for your problem since i am having the same issue as well! just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this...
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Old 07-03-2009, 10:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

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Originally Posted by MarkTwain View Post
Yes, I think you should divorce him very quickly because if he's off sex so early in the relationship, it means he has very big issues that won't be sorted out in a hurry.


I dont know if agreeing with the above makes me a hypocrite, because im still with my H (who doesnt want sex either) but all i can tell ya is right when i moved with my H he stopped wanting sex. that was three and a half years ago. things only got much, much worse after that (we are in our twenties). Believe me sex was only the surface issue. ive since uncovered all kinds of very troubling issues with my H. there has been so much fighting and ive been completely miserable.

things are just now starting to get better. but they still arent good. My H has a lot of emotional issues. its a slow arduous process. if you stay be prepared to be miserable for a long time.
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Old 07-04-2009, 12:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Hey Mrs. Smith I just read your reply and it is almost identical to my story. My husband and I did not have sex until marriage. And for the first few months we had sex all the time great sex at that. And all of the sudden the sex just died down after I lost my job just like you. Until one night I awoke and my husband was not in the bed with me. So I got out of the bed to look around for him I couldn't find him. Shortly afterwards I found him in our guest room watching porn. It has been terrible since then. Our sex life is just about nonexistent. Do you know if your husband has an addiction to pornography? If so I strongly recommend you getting in counseling for yourself.
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Smith View Post
Why does this happen? I'm practically a newlywed i've been married for 3 months only and I identify with most stories that I've read about husbands not wanting to have sex with their wives. I thought that our honeymoon would be all about having sex and it wasn't. My husband hardly wanted any sex and it has been about 3 weeks now with no sex whatsoever, he doesn't even touch me. He's been working out and going to the gym a lot lately so I don't know if he wants to look better other women. I lost my job recently and I don't know if that has made me less attractive and appealing to him. Should I give up and finish things now that we don't have children? I know it's too early but I just can't imagine a life wothout any sex. It's like living with a male buddy and I hate it. He's my husband not just my friend. Please help. I don't know what to do.
Heres my take on it...
back in the old days people often waited to have sex until they were married. These days they don't and the honeymoon is more fixed on vacationing, not sex.
If I were you... I wouldn't worry about it. There is far more to a relationship than sex.
That you lost your job recently, he could be worried about money.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

I'd want to know why he is off sex with you.

You mention that he goes to the gym and works out a lot. Is he taking steroids? Those can wreak havoc on the libido.

If he has a physical reason for not having sex he could be hiding it from you.

If, on the other hand, he could have acquired a focus elsewhere (alone or with someone), then that should be explored too.

I know it is stressful to have to confront him about it. But you don't want to live your life deprived of what should be a healthy and joyful part of marriage.
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Old 07-08-2009, 10:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Yikes, I agree with others that say to get out now. Unless he's got a medical issue (and he's got to be willing to go to the doc and get checked out), I wouldn't sit around for the next 5, 10, 20 years waiting for him to solve this. It's just way too early for him to go off sex.

Does he have a porn addiction? The fact that he refused sex from you and then went and watched porn is a HUGE RED FLAG.
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Is he taking any psychiatric medication? Antidepressants (most, SSRIs) will slaughter a person's libido, but it's still possible to get turned on if the stimuli is powerful enough (a strong fetish, something really kinky or "weird" that you wouldn't normally be into, etc), so maybe that explains the porn? and the marriage explains getting on antidepressants?

That being said. I'm 24 and my wife (24) and I have sex MAYBE once every 6 months. It really doesn't get better unless you talk with him and actively try to work it out. Our lack of sex began pretty much instantly, but that's OK because marriage can be stressful and scary - but to have the no sex thing continue for months/years (been 2 years for us) isn't normal.
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex newlywed

Hi everyone!!! fisrt of all thank you all for your replies they really help and specially, even though it's not nice to know that someone is suffering too, it is nice to know you are not alone. We are still low on the sex issues. We had sex last week but it was just pityfull and dreadfull not to mention embarassing for me because I had to do all the work by myself. He just layed on top of me with no feeling or passion whatsover but more like I have to do this attitude. About this Q:


Does he have a porn addiction? The fact that he refused sex from you and then went and watched porn is a HUGE RED FLAG.[/QUOTE]

I don't believe he has an addiction because I have found him in this situation just a few times (about 4 in 4 years of relationship) but yet, I don't know if that would be considered as an addiction. It's just hurtfull to know he does like sex just not with me. Just as an update he told me that we would have sex this saturday and of course he fell asleep and didn't performed so one more time I was left frsutrated in bed, plus I hate having a schedule for sex. so yesterday (sunday) he asked me if I wanted to have sex but now to be honest I just didn't felt like it (he didn't refute my decision either) The love issue has been slowly fading (for me), and now I'm starting to wonder if I really love him anymore, specially thinking about having to deal with this. On the other part if I just give up on us I would feel as a quitter and just taking the easy way out (even though I'm tempted). I do know he isn't taking steroids or any other type of drugs because he just went off smoking and drinking and he's on a "detox" stage (he says) Coming here has been really helpful just to come here and let everything out, I still don't know what I will do just yet but at least now I can be heard (I don't talk about this with anyone) Once again, thanks!
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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thanks RyanT It's very good
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