My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-22-2012, 12:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Thanks in advance for reading my post.
As the title says, my wife doesn't want sex with me anymore. I have to fight really hard to get a little bit of sex from my wife. Usually we have sex once a month for 20 or 30 minutes. It may sound funny but I manage to not ejaculate quickly and enjoy the sex as long I can since I only get one shot. This has been going on for almost 2 years now. We have a son together. Our son is 15 months old. She got pregnant during the rare times we had sex. We had no sex at all during the pregnancy.
I confronted her many times but it always ended in a fight. So I stopped talking about it and tried to live without sex. She told me she was tired and suffered from exhaustion. Every time I talk about sex with her, she says that's the only thing I care about and I'm a pervert. Since she doesn't want me to penetrate her, I sometimes ask her to give me a BJ or masturbate me but even for getting it, I have to pressure her more for many days. She's older than me. She's in her 30s and I'm just 30. She says she's not in her 20s anymore. So, her sexual drive is low.
Sincerely, I'm tired and can't take it anymore. I admit I want to cheat and have sex with other women. My sexual drive is high and I want to be able to have sex normally and regularly. My favorite sexual position is doggie but I did it only twice with my wife during our 3-year marriage. I'm very frustrated and sad. The last time my wife came to me for sex was about almost 2 years ago. The fact that she rejects me has bad effects. I don't feel confident about myself anymore. I feel lonely and depressed. I feel emotionally tired. I don't see myself handsome anymore.
I've been thinking about getting a divorce but every time I see my son, I don't want him to suffer from it.
I'm very strong emotionally and mentally but don't know what to do anymore. I need serious help.




Kind Regards,
Gladiator7
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Old 12-22-2012, 12:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

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Originally Posted by Gladiator7 View Post
Every time I talk about sex with her, she says that's the only thing I care about and I'm a pervert.
Sounds really rough.
Married for three years, sexless for two out of those three.
How was the sex before marriage?
Did she " suddenly " change after marriage?
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Old 12-22-2012, 12:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Thanks for your message.
The sex before marriage was good. She didn't suddenly change after the marriage. She started changing 4 months after marriage. Since that time, sex has never been the same again.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

What was the frequency before marriage?
Something must have happened for it to stop, I'm not saying that she is right, but maybe she's on some sort of meds or something?
If not,
Did you have any indication before marriage that she didn't like sex?
How many years were you two together before marriage?
Has she ever hinted at why she stopped wanting sex? Mid 30 is a very young age
Do you think she would be open to the idea of counselling?
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Sounds like classic bait and switch.

Enjoys the sex before marriage, then kills it once you put a ring on it.

Mind if I ask:
Are you overweight? Are you possibly not physically attractive to her anymore?

If you are in good shape, here is what I would suggest:
Start talking. She should know about this. Tell her very clearly that you want to have a loving marriage, and she can't put your needs on the bottom of the priority list and expect you to stay around forever
Then pull a 180.
And if she doesn't take the hints, then wait till the end of January. If she still refuses to do anything, then file, and divorce.

Your son will eventually understand. But remember, you must love him no matter what. He will need support and love that only his parents can give him.
And you told us, you don't want him to see mom and dad divorce and separate. Well, I promise you, divorcing because mom and dad couldn't love each other properly is 10x better than divorcing because dad went out and had an affair.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.

Standard procedure for a sexless marriage is to first rule out a psychical reason for the lack of desire (hormones or illness). So, she should see a doctor. However, many women in sexless marriages don't care enough to see a doctor. So, you may not be able to rule that out definitively. Second, you should rule out another man. Check her phone records, email, and Facebook to see if she's having an affair. If both of those turn up nothing, then she's just not attracted to you.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to become more attractive. Often, a wife will respond to a husband running the MAP by having more sex with him. However, if yours doesn't, you'll still be better positioned to have sex with other women.

A less effective approach is to ask your wife if she would mind an open marriage. Since she doesn't want sex with you, would she care if you had sex with other women? Just a physical arrangement. Most women in sexless marriages don't want their husbands to have their physical needs fulfilled, period. So this may provoke a fight. But, it's better to ask up front than to cheat on her and deal with the fallout from that.

Good luck.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

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Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.

.
These are my thoughts also.

But what I'm wondering is why?
A lot of times I read these types of stories on TAM and it sounds cruel.
Why would a woman purposely do that to a man?
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

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These are my thoughts also.

But what I'm wondering is why?
A lot of times I read these types of stories on TAM and it sounds cruel.
Why would a woman purposely do that to a man?
If it is a bait and switch, I would guess that the OP's wife hit her early/mid thirties and was running out of time to have a family.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

I am in the same boat as you - sexless marriage - and I am a woman.

I can't tell you why she doesn't want sex, if I knew what causes that, I wouldn't be in my own situation :-) however, a couple of questions:

Do you know what turns her on and what she enjoys? Do you focus suffiently on her needs when you're trying to get sex? Do you always have the same strategy for initiating sex (if yes, then perhaps try something else).

I have many girlfriends who are not interested in sex and they discuss their husbands at length. Some of their suggestions:
Some of the women find that by simply helping more around the house- if you aren't already- will get her more willing.
Another option is to ask your parents/her parents/friends or family to watch your son for a night (or a weekend if you can). While she is out dropping him off, organise a wonderful picknic on the floor, scatter some cushions about, buy some finger foods, nice wine, chocolates, strawberries (great for getting romance going), focus on the foods you know she loves. In other words, give her the most amazing, romantic date-night of her life, rekindle your love, romance her. (if she often has sleepless nights, make sure you start the evening off early, so she doesn't get sleepy after half an hour). While you eat, make sure you keep eye contact, smile at her, touch her gently (arm, hand, leg) in a non sexual, but sensual way. Ask her about her day. Listen to her. Destress her by giving her a good long sensual massage, or (if she doesn't enjoy those) run your hands through her hair or just hold her hand and chat.

Another of my gal pals told us of a story that helped her get in the mood:You run a bubblebath for both of you (if you have a jacuzzi, use that) - with candles lit in the bathroom- if she likes bubbly, pour yourselves a glass each and lie there talking (not about your son or work but about the two of you, how she makes you feel - women love talking about feelings, and hearing how much they mean to you). Make sure there is lots of eye contact, smile at her (don't spend hours in there or you'll both end up falling asleep in the tub). When you get out, put a big towl around her, gently dry her and kiss her, cuddle her. Make her feel like she is the most stunning woman in the world. complement her. Don't push yourself on her sexually, don't act like any of this is FOR sex (because it is not, it's about romance at this point) don't beg for sex, and don't even touch her sexually. If you give her enough attention in sensual ways, chances are SHE will ask YOU for sex.
I have heard directly from women who don't want sex, that these types of tactic works on them.

If nothing else, at least she will feel more special and appreciated and less stressed.

I hope it works for you.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Before marriage, we had sex at least once a day. She was the one coming to me for sex.
We used to work together. After marriage, the business started doing very well. We were both dealing with a lot of customers. We got much busier. Basically, she wanted me to ask for sex Saturdays only. I did it many times but the situation didn't change. Sometimes I tried to snuggle and kiss her but got rejected as well. We have been together for a year and half before marriage.
She is not open to counseling at all. I'm glad we have our son but since he came, the situation got worse. She completely ignores me and my needs. I don't understand since I have my days with the baby. She doesn't care about me at all. Right now, her main focuses are the baby and work. I feel lonely in my own house. We don't watch movies together, we don't eat together, we don't kiss each other..etc. When my son is asleep, she would just go to one of the bedrooms and stay there. Most of the time, I'm by myself in the living room with my laptop or reading or playing with my cat. I feel like she just wanted me to give her a child. I did it. So, she doesn't need me anymore.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Well, she also needed you to help pay for the child.
So you were a sperm donator, and human ATM.

So, when do you plan on talking about this with her?
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

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Originally Posted by Juicer View Post
Sounds like classic bait and switch.

Enjoys the sex before marriage, then kills it once you put a ring on it.

Mind if I ask:
Are you overweight? Are you possibly not physically attractive to her anymore?

If you are in good shape, here is what I would suggest:
Start talking. She should know about this. Tell her very clearly that you want to have a loving marriage, and she can't put your needs on the bottom of the priority list and expect you to stay around forever
Then pull a 180.
And if she doesn't take the hints, then wait till the end of January. If she still refuses to do anything, then file, and divorce.

Your son will eventually understand. But remember, you must love him no matter what. He will need support and love that only his parents can give him.
And you told us, you don't want him to see mom and dad divorce and separate. Well, I promise you, divorcing because mom and dad couldn't love each other properly is 10x better than divorcing because dad went out and had an affair.
Juicer,


Yes, you may ask. Thanks for your reply.
To answer your questions;
I'm not overweight at all. I've always been fit. I play soccer regularly. She tells me regularly I look even better since I got more muscles.
I think the only option would be a divorce since she probably doesn't love me anymore.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

After you got married and up to the time when your sex life took a nose dive, how many hours a week were the two of you spending together, just the two of you, doing things where you were focused on each other?
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:56 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.

Standard procedure for a sexless marriage is to first rule out a psychical reason for the lack of desire (hormones or illness). So, she should see a doctor. However, many women in sexless marriages don't care enough to see a doctor. So, you may not be able to rule that out definitively. Second, you should rule out another man. Check her phone records, email, and Facebook to see if she's having an affair. If both of those turn up nothing, then she's just not attracted to you.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to become more attractive. Often, a wife will respond to a husband running the MAP by having more sex with him. However, if yours doesn't, you'll still be better positioned to have sex with other women.

A less effective approach is to ask your wife if she would mind an open marriage. Since she doesn't want sex with you, would she care if you had sex with other women? Just a physical arrangement. Most women in sexless marriages don't want their husbands to have their physical needs fulfilled, period. So this may provoke a fight. But, it's better to ask up front than to cheat on her and deal with the fallout from that.

Good luck.
PHTlump,


About another man, I don't know sincerely. I checked her phone records, emails..etc but couldn't find anything. Another issue with her is that she thinks she knows everything. I can't tell her or suggest anything. I hardly get a normal discussion with her.
Once I talked about having an open marriage and told me she would file for divorce if I do it.
She's very jealous although she doesn't want sex with me. Even though she doesn't watch movies with me, she doesn't want me to watch porn or any other movie showing some nakedness. Many weeks ago, we went to the mall together. I had my left hand in my pocket. She got mad and said I was hiding my wedding ring. Or if I want to go out with my friends, she wants me to dress up in a certain way to not attract other women. So every time I go out, it's a fight since I wear what I want.
Sincerely I don't know anymore. Some of her reactions don't make sense at all. She doesn't want to see a doctor neither.
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Old 12-22-2012, 01:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore

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Originally Posted by Juicer View Post
Well, she also needed you to help pay for the child.
So you were a sperm donator, and human ATM.

So, when do you plan on talking about this with her?
lol maybe.

We talked about it some many times that I'm tired of doing it. I tried to talk about it again 2 days and it ended in a fight. Since Thursday, we haven't been talking to each other.
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