Re: Engaged and having doubts about future
Does she talk at all about sexual desire?
Maybe you could tell her that God doesn't make design/function errors...
There are some good videos out there such as "Sexplorations" that she could watch (on her own) to get an idea of how coupled people/married people express themselves sexually...it might open up a dialog for what you expect after marriage...
Short of that I have no idea. I am guilty of having done the same to a guy who was serious about me when I was around the same age as you two are now...I have to say eventually I decided I was too wild (I'd been trying to control myself...hence the rules/waffling/conditions) and in the end decided he was too nice a person to be married to me, as in my opinion he didn't have a clue about what was really bothering me and I didn't think he could handle it if he did.
It has taken me a very long time to be able to discuss myself and my needs and my concerns about myself with others...also to be in relationships where I'm not silent (even though it often means the end of those relationships...)
Once raped or taken advantage of sexually, the only way a woman can feel in control of things is either physically (which also goes against her own nature and causes the conflicts and waffling you're seeing now) or through therapy, understanding their sexual side and seeing it as a positive force in their lives, and learning to handle it through appropriate boundary setting. The psychology of rape/molestation/sexual exploitation is not an easy one.
Most likely she could benefit from therapy as a loving relationship while beneficial is going to fall short. You can't cater to her perception of how evil the world is, and this makes her anxious. In effect, she thinks you are innocent and naive, and unable to deal with her realities.
One of the absurdities of having gone through horror is the need to constantly test it out, to see if it was really real. After a few (or a lot) of bad relationships, she will learn to trust herself...
My timeline has gone way down...I'm now able to identify and eradicate a control freak in about 3 weeks or less. I somehow developed a liking for how a nice guy makes me feel about myself and my life. I had a lot of therapy and it wasn't easy.
It's like being a recovered alcoholic I suppose.
With rape, it's not like you can just be a victim and then get over it...usually there is some kind of guilt involved, and blaming of the victim or the perp using some kind of psychological tactics to undermine the victim's sense of reality. Staying with someone for a year after doesn't do much good...but in fact I even gave my husband a second chance (and publicly) after filing rape charges. All I can say is thankful I went to therapy, it did seem to fix me however it's not foolproof...I still make mistakes but they're not as grave/longlasting.
Sorry if this seems like all bad news. There really is not a lot you can do except to say that women sometimes have it bad and that there is no shame in having working sexuality and learning to control it. Maybe she will get a hint from that. Honestly a lot of times a women commits to a relationship through marriage and that's when the bad boys start showing their true colors.
You may have to postpone the wedding until she gets herself sorted out, at the risk of losing her, perhaps. But you should be able to feel good about any marriage you go into. So you do have the right to do that...