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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Keeping Score

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-27-2012, 06:10 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Keeping Score

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Originally Posted by Gaming Your Wife View Post
Well, Your comments seem so bitter,And i have to wonder what you get from being so harsh.I come here for ideas and help.and yes after yrs of living like I do ,I do get that I sound whiny,And that I need to grow up,And she does not like me,And I should get my act together.I think you have just transform me?I am going to grow some balls.One thing about living in a sexless marriage you kind of lose your idenity.Your pov gets mixed up.You get weak.Not sure that you understood my point I was trying to make.But what I said was after several yrs of lack of sex.My wife agreed to twice a week sex.But it was just duty sex.And it was not good for eather of us.
I think Holland was simply trying to be blunt enough for the truth to sink in. It is possible that your wife truly has no libido at all. However, if she really loved you, she wouldn't pitch fits about having sex as infrequently as you do. She would also put forth a modicum of effort designed to make you think she loved you.

But she doesn't do that. She will usually refuse you. And when she doesn't, she is passive aggressive and trying to ruin the experience for you so that you ask for less sex in the future. What that means is, as Holland said, she doesn't like you.

So, you need to decide what to do. Are you going to accept a sexless marriage with a wife who doesn't like you? Are you going to leave her soon? Or, are you going to stay temporarily while you work on self-improvement hoping that your wife becomes attracted to you, but if not, you can leave her and be better situated in the sexual marketplace. Those are really your only workable options. Just treading water like you are where you accept her treatment, but seethe over it and hope you can debate her into wanting you will obviously never work.

Your screen name is Gaming Your Wife. Yet you stubbornly refuse to incorporate any aspects of Game into your relationship. Why not? What have you got to lose? I understand that the red pill is a bitter pill to swallow. But you don't have the option of a cushy life in the matrix to fall back on. Why not take the plunge and run the MAP?
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Old 12-27-2012, 06:19 PM   #32 (permalink)
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My W gives "duty sex" as well, which can be as bad as no sex sometimes because she's not doing it out of love for me, but resentfully because she had to do something that she was not excited about. I can just tell.

Oddly, she does have orgasms from oral/rubbing, which I'm always sure to do, and I'm sure she enjoys that, but she just doesn't have any sort of drive to seek it out from me. She also just doesn't like to relax & let herself go crazy with me. She said it's "weird."

On the other end of Score Keeping, I've got 1/2 a mind to start a chart for chores & household duties. I'm willing to wage that I do at least 75%, then she has the nerve to grumble & gripe when everything isn't up to her standards. Ugh!

It is so strange to me that I can bend over backwards to meet her needs, but she won't do the same for me. BTW, she told me over a month ago that she wanted to see her OB/GYN b/c of LD/ND, but she's done nothing. So, if she was even just taking some action to address this concern, I'd feel SO much better! Alas, this need of mine continues to be pushed to the backburner over & over again.

Appropriately, I just read NMMNG & beginning to apply those practices, so we'll see how that goes. She's been spoiled by me for long enough & I'm losing steam. Maybe she needs to feel the void like I do.
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Old 12-27-2012, 07:14 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Keeping Score

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Originally Posted by Gaming Your Wife View Post
Well, Your comments seem so bitter,And i have to wonder what you get from being so harsh.I come here for ideas and help.and yes after yrs of living like I do ,I do get that I sound whiny,And that I need to grow up,And she does not like me,And I should get my act together.I think you have just transform me?I am going to grow some balls.One thing about living in a sexless marriage you kind of lose your idenity.Your pov gets mixed up.You get weak.Not sure that you understood my point I was trying to make.But what I said was after several yrs of lack of sex.My wife agreed to twice a week sex.But it was just duty sex.And it was not good for eather of us.
No I'm not bitter, in fact I am probably one of the least bitter people you will find. Took a few years of recovering from my own sexless marriage.

Probably it is frustration you picked up in my post. Frustration because I know too well that in all likelyhood your situation will not improve but you keep going around in circles here.

Yeah I grew the woman's version of balls and ended my marriage a few years ago. Now I am in a wonderful relationship that is healthy, balanced and we root like rabbits. Life is good.

Life is also short, might be time for you to make some of the hard decisions.
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Old 01-01-2013, 07:59 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Wedding Vows,, Didn't we all take them at one time.. Love Honor and Cherish.. until death do us part.. It doesn't say anywhere that ok I will love and cherish you with sex and affection for a certain time then I am going to completely shut down and treat you like dirt but I will still expect you to buy me nice things and make me a nice living without you getting anything in return,, Yes I am bitter and I deserve to be,, If they quit having sex with you they have quit loving you at all,, No hugs, no kisses, no emotional relationship at all.. Total Abandonment of Affection,, and you can sue for divorce for that in some states,, Men like to be held up on a pedestal sometimes too ,, told they are loved and appreciated for what they are able to provide in a marriage and a life but instead all we every here is the negative side,, getting kicked in the teeth (metaphorically) just gets old,,
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Old 01-01-2013, 09:36 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Keeping Score

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Originally Posted by Gaming Your Wife View Post
Now I just entered a deal for more of the same but twice a week.After 2 weeks I could not take it any longer. I said I don't want duty sex you can just keep it and she is doing that . And she appears to be happy with it.No more fighting and no more sex.She won.
Your wife was punishing you, which you have described as "duty sex". But "duty sex" can be the best blow job you ever had or your wife picking the porn you get to watch while doing her, and knowing you well enough to always pick the right girls. Getting enjoyment out of how much it got you off.

I had a long term partner that was a savage in bed, just a sadistic monster who got joy out of ruining it for me while pretending she didn't have any idea what I was talking about when I was in such anguish over WTF was wrong with her. As I was booting her out of the house she tells me "Oh, my father regularly raped me through my entire childhood..." Instead of being a relief for explaining what was going on I was extremely angry about how hard I had tried to break through whatever was wrong and her vehemently denying the whole time that there was anything going on in her head.

Your wife knows exactly what she is doing, and she's going to deny doing it. Because the truth is too ugly, too cruel to admit to: "I'm making sure it is miserable for you."

You could do exactly the same thing every time she asks you to take out the garbage: spill 80% of it on the floor on the way out. If she asks you to clean the floor then get coffee grounds and grease all over your hands and start caressing her hair. This is the kind of sabotage we're talking about with sex when they could equally well give you the time of your life if they wanted to.

The ultimatum I would be delivering is that she either shape up or is sent packing, and if she pretends not to understand what she's doing then it's just proof of what a liar she is. I did read a book on adult children of child sexual abuse when mine finally confessed to me and they recommended that for some people "open affairs" were a way to cope with it. But I was not going to do that.
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:36 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Gaming your wife-let me ask this questions? If you divorced your wife do you think she would not be having sex with the new guy,of course she would LD or no LD but the thing is she knows you will stay around and get treated this way,so if you really want to get your whole life back you need to start planning to leave.

There are a lot of many forums that say when the person sees the divorce papers they change because they know they have to.
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