Not Sexually Compatible
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-30-2012, 05:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not Sexually Compatible

My husband and I have been married for a little over two years now and we are not sexually compatible at all. I don't know what to do. I am finding it pretty depressing and hopeless.

He refuses to do any kind of foreplay, or anything I like in general. He finds everything I want "gross" or just flat out refuses. I am tired of begging, pleading, bargaining, trying to offer suggestions so he'd accept it. I feel like I shouldn't have to. I feel like the person I'm with should want to please me and not find any part of me gross, and even be excited to do it. He just won't. He refuses to try anything new, or have an open mind about anything. For example, he absolutely refuses to perform oral sex on me, no matter what I suggest... he won't even rub my feet.
He thinks sex is just rolling me over or accosting me, fondling me awkwardly and then it's over in 3 minutes. He pays absolutely no attention to my needs or pleasing me during it. I haven't had an orgasm from sex in 3 years.
He also doesn't even try to make himself attractive to me anymore. I try politely requesting he keep himself better, but he refuses that, too.
I guess I didn't notice it so much before we got married because we had a long distance relationship until I moved in with him. I realize that was a mistake.

He has a lot of insecurity and shame about sex and sexuality. I've suggested and sent him a list of several instructional books he should buy and read so maybe he would have more confidence about it, but he's too mortified to even buy them so he has refused that, too. I am not sure that if I went ahead and bought them he would actually read them.

I have talked to him so often about it and tried everything I could think of. I don't know what else there is to do. We are compatible otherwise, but I can't imagine going through the rest of my life with someone who refuses to satisfy me sexually. And because of that, we just don't have sex anymore.

Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 12-30-2012, 05:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

I would go buy the books,DVDs ect yourself and sit down and look at them together,unplug that TV and have some learning time.You need to tell him right up front if things don't get better you two should not be together because you don't want that life style.

Where did his insecurites and shame come from ?Have you tried MC if you can afford it or many guys who have not yet come out and are gay do marry women to try and be straight.

Once again the number one things is he has to want to change.
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Old 12-30-2012, 05:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

Thanks for the reply.
I have told him I don't want to live like this, and I expect him to be more yielding. After we get into huge arguments about it, he will make some concessions, but then never follows through. But then I don't want it to be a burden or obligation, I want him to want it and be excited about it.

I am pretty reasonably sure he's not gay. We live in a pretty gay-friendly country and he comes from a pretty liberal family with several accepted, out family members. And he is sexually attracted to me, he just doesn't ever want anything but vaginal sex.
I think his hang ups are a combination of his old fashioned prudery, his religious prudery and not having any idea what he's doing. He also sometimes cites the fact that his father always spoke about sex without a filter as being why he is so mortified about the topic of sex in general. But it's so frustrating.

I guess I will have to force the books on him (he will not look at anything pornographic, he refuses, so DVDs might not work). I think it would be hard to find a good MC where we live.
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Old 12-30-2012, 06:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by kartofel View Post
Thanks for the reply.
I have told him I don't want to live like this, and I expect him to be more yielding. After we get into huge arguments about it, he will make some concessions, but then never follows through. But then I don't want it to be a burden or obligation, I want him to want it and be excited about it.

I am pretty reasonably sure he's not gay. We live in a pretty gay-friendly country and he comes from a pretty liberal family with several accepted, out family members. And he is sexually attracted to me, he just doesn't ever want anything but vaginal sex.
I think his hang ups are a combination of his old fashioned prudery, his religious prudery and not having any idea what he's doing. He also sometimes cites the fact that his father always spoke about sex without a filter as being why he is so mortified about the topic of sex in general. But it's so frustrating.

I guess I will have to force the books on him (he will not look at anything pornographic, he refuses, so DVDs might not work). I think it would be hard to find a good MC where we live.
I'm in the exact same position with my wife. I too don't want her to feel like it's a burden or obligation to please me. She did seem to genuinely want to before marriage but refuses to do any foreplay on me. Like your husband she has serious hangups around sex. I just don't think she is a sexual person and what I saw before marriage was her trying to hang onto me. Then we got married and there was no need on her part to do those things any more.

I'm soon going to call her on this because I can't take it anymore.
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Old 12-30-2012, 06:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I have been reading board like this for awhile[break from paper work at work lol] and the only thing that seems to change people is the threat of divorce and showing him the papers that you are serious.

How about saying we need a compromise and say we are going to try one thing I like sexually every week and I will [Think of something he likes and you don't,Video games,sports ect ] get involed in something he knows you dislike so there is a payoff for his good behavior.

If its that he does not know what he is doing,then how about getting some lotion and telling him you want him to rub it on you [be nude] but try not to make it a sexual thing,as he is rubbing it one you make some noise that it feels good ,but still keep away from the sweet spot,when you have him do your front show lots of pleasure as he does your breast and nipples so he will want to keep going and do it more,then saying something like man that was great and I am so turned on now could you try this [what ever you want] then say I love you so much and he should want to make you happy.

There is also a game with dice and the dice have different sexual thing you can do when you roll them,fun and not to threatening you can also have him make out some Ideas on a paper and you do the same then put the ideas in a hat and draw,sya you have to do each thing for 10 minutes to each other,get a clock with am alarm .

You could also just try figting he prudness with your openess and don't give in which he wants,walk around nude or watch TV in something see through with him ,get yourself off when you are laying next to him or let him catch you getting yourslef off,go down on him when he is in the shower,just go for it and he will either fall in line or leave.

Last edited by dubbizle; 12-30-2012 at 06:46 AM.
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Old 12-30-2012, 06:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

Hurra- I just don't think she is a sexual person and what I saw before marriage was her trying to hang onto me. that seems very common[Bait and switch],

I don't think a whole lot of people would have dated somebody if they knew they were low sex drive so the other person plays the role.

I dated my wife for 8 years so I knew she was not going to switch[Thank god].
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Old 12-31-2012, 06:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hurra- I just don't think she is a sexual person and what I saw before marriage was her trying to hang onto me. that seems very common[Bait and switch],

I don't think a whole lot of people would have dated somebody if they knew they were low sex drive so the other person plays the role.

I dated my wife for 8 years so I knew she was not going to switch[Thank god].
I'm dated my wife for 3 years and although she had some minor hangups, she tried and was quite a different woman then. Read this forum some more and you will see other examples of the bait and switch.

I'm not saying she was purposely deceiving. She just felt that in order to keep me, she had to do oral and otherppositions and things she didn't necessarily want to do. After marriage that pressure was gone because we are married.
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Old 12-31-2012, 06:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kartofel View Post
Thanks for the reply.
I have told him I don't want to live like this, and I expect him to be more yielding. After we get into huge arguments about it, he will make some concessions, but then never follows through. But then I don't want it to be a burden or obligation, I want him to want it and be excited about it.

I am pretty reasonably sure he's not gay. We live in a pretty gay-friendly country and he comes from a pretty liberal family with several accepted, out family members. And he is sexually attracted to me, he just doesn't ever want anything but vaginal sex.
I think his hang ups are a combination of his old fashioned prudery, his religious prudery and not having any idea what he's doing. He also sometimes cites the fact that his father always spoke about sex without a filter as being why he is so mortified about the topic of sex in general. But it's so frustrating.

I guess I will have to force the books on him (he will not look at anything pornographic, he refuses, so DVDs might not work). I think it would be hard to find a good MC where we live.
A therapist might be the only way to get over his hang-ups. It doesn't sound like its your lack of trying--and if everything else in the relationship is swell then he himself needs to seek help. If he doesn't, you need to communicate your expectations. No one likes duty sex. An ultimatum to seek help or divorce sounds like the only way to get across.
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Old 12-31-2012, 08:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

Wifey's outward behavior changed dramatically after "I Do". Apparently it means "I don't", "Not with you" or "No not now".
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Old 12-31-2012, 11:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurra View Post
She just felt that in order to keep me, she had to do oral and otherppositions and things she didn't necessarily want to do. After marriage that pressure was gone because we are married.
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When you think about it that is pretty much backwards to the way it should be. To me a person should be more concerned about pleasing their spouse than someone they're just dating. Sadly, the majority of people approach it the complete opposite.
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Old 12-31-2012, 11:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

I was LD, my husband was HD. I'm more HD now, but through the years, I still initiated sex and tried different things. Even if your husband is LD, he should still be trying harder to please you. Do not have kids. It's nice that you are compatible in other areas, but resentment will continue to grow and take over many waking minutes. I've read enough posts here at TAM to conclude that sexual incompatibility is a legitimate and prevalent reason for divorce. Unless you are ready to change your mindset and accept this for yourself and be happy regardless, you will need to seriously consider moving on.
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Old 12-31-2012, 03:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

If your husband is really having his sexuality repressed, then give him some time while support him and try to seek help for him. Try to analyze him, study about possible causes, and at the same time be careful with not pressuring too much, while insist on it. Tell him calmly how you feel and how you need to feel loved and desired.

After giving it a try, if your husband still does not care or put some effort, then you'll have to decide if it's not better to move on. You can be understanding and supportive, but he also has to put effort. It takes both for a marriage to work. And sexual needs is a big part of marriage, it's about intimacy, feeling loved and desired. It's the most intimate and natural way of affection.
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Old 12-31-2012, 10:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

It sounds like it is not just therapy that is required but sex therapy. If that does not work or if he refuses to participate then I would move on or accept that this is what your life will look like with him.
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

Upbringing related sexual hangups can be quite a pain to overcome, but it is doable.

OP, you mentioned in your post that you believe yourself and your spouse to be compatible otherwise. Surely, he must understand and appreciate the importance of sex in any LTR. Working this out is an absolutely critical step towards maintaining a viable relationship going forward. There must be a way for you to find common ground and impress upon him the vital importance of getting this resolved.

Have you tried just loosening things up a bit? Like maybe share a bottle of wine over dinner?

Last edited by DeepBlue; 01-01-2013 at 11:00 AM.
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:57 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not Sexually Compatible

You may have to adjust your definition of sexual success in your marriage.

Your husband is clearly not as into sex the same way you are. He very likely never will be. Folks here will give you good advice on how to make progress, but I'm too much of a realist to not warn you that someone who finds sex gross and disgusting isn't going to come home with a copy of the Kama Sutra and start making suggestions - ever.

With patience, hard work, and coaching he may improve, if he is motivated. But you might wind up a decade down the road just as frustrated at your perceived lack of progress combined with your frustration at having lost all that time working on a lost cause.

The gap between those of us who find everything about sex wonderful and those who find it to be a necessary evil is too broad to bridge most of the time.
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