I'm Eric, we've been married 12yrs and have 3 children. We're each 40. Not alot of experience between us prior to marriage.
We have sex 1 once a week AT MOST sometimes 2-3 times a month only. This has been since children.
I know schedules, etc make it difficult but from what i read it seems low. I of course could go every day.
My other issue is that once in awhile she really gets into it and the sex is amazing. A friend has said she thinks she's having an affair and teh sex carried over to our bed.
i'm in a similar situation. i doubt the affair theory, i am guessing its a hormonal imbalance. thats what i believe it is with my wife, i dont know who she is going to be from day to day. we make love once a month, sometimes twice if i'm lucky. i have tried to talk to her about it but she just gets abnormally defensive. i dont worry much about it anymore, i have shifted my interest elsewhere
My other issue is that once in awhile she really gets into it and the sex is amazing. A friend has said she thinks she's having an affair and teh sex carried over to our bed.
Anyone with thoughts???
Hi Eric. If this was the case, my dh would also think I am having an affair....
The reason the sex is amazing once in a while is that she WISHES sex were more frequent, but due to 3 kids in 12 years, she is likely very exhausted/distracted, as you mention.
Be sure she gets the "Calgon Take Me Away" treatment frequently and be SURE she isn't building up resentment towards you and likey the sex will improve.
Don't WAIT for it to improve...you have to work.
Hang in on these boards, there are lots of ideas and stories.
Hi Eric. If this was the case, my dh would also think I am having an affair....
The reason the sex is amazing once in a while is that she WISHES sex were more frequent, but due to 3 kids in 12 years, she is likely very exhausted/distracted, as you mention.
Be sure she gets the "Calgon Take Me Away" treatment frequently and be SURE she isn't building up resentment towards you and likey the sex will improve.
Don't WAIT for it to improve...you have to work.
Hang in on these boards, there are lots of ideas and stories.
yeah, the man has to work while she gets total right of refusal??? what kind of work is she putting into it?
please explain to me (i have asked this on this board many times) why a women that seems to enjoy sex only wants it occasionally when SHE is ready and on HER terms and only if the man has worked for it. ya see, the alternative for a man is to get it somewhere else.
yeah, the man has to work while she gets total right of refusal??? what kind of work is she putting into it?
please explain to me (i have asked this on this board many times) why a women that seems to enjoy sex only wants it occasionally when SHE is ready and on HER terms and only if the man has worked for it. ya see, the alternative for a man is to get it somewhere else.
You see, it isn't "work" in the literal sense. It is being AWARE of your wife's stresses and load of FAMILY. With three kids her WORK is managing all that.
No, the "alternative" is not getting it somewhere else, it is keeping your lines of communication OPEN enough to show understanding of what HER burdens are as a MOTHER, as those are often distractions from working as much as SHE WOULD LIKE TO on her mental relationship with her DH. She wants sex, yes, but she has to "feel" it and if she is so over taxed with the WORK of being pregnant, giving birth, post birth depression (often), and all the rest that goes with having and raising THREE children, she cannot ALWAYS feel it as the ENERGY is LIMITED!
Sex is not always going to be on the table in a long term marriage, or short term, for that matter. When you get to be 60 and YOU need the understanding of a MAN wanting to put out sex, but unable to, due to whatever, MAYBE you too will have a WIFE there UNDERSTANDING and "working" with you on why YOU can't put out for her!
Sometimes you gotta think with your big brain to get any for the little brain?
You see, it isn't "work" in the literal sense. It is being AWARE of your wife's stresses and load of FAMILY. With three kids her WORK is managing all that.
and she needs to be aware of my stresses, trying to keep my job to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. taking my three kids to all their sports events. doing all the yardwork and repair work around the house AND thinking about loving her only to be dissapointed on a regular basis.
No, the "alternative" is not getting it somewhere else, it is keeping your lines of communication OPEN enough to show understanding of what HER burdens are as a MOTHER, as those are often distractions from working as much as SHE WOULD LIKE TO on her mental relationship with her DH. She wants sex, yes, but she has to "feel" it and if she is so over taxed with the WORK of being pregnant, giving birth, post birth depression (often), and all the rest that goes with having and raising THREE children, she cannot ALWAYS feel it as the ENERGY is LIMITED!
you make it sound like she is raising the kids alone and without help. my kids are way past the post partum depression causing stage and are quite self sufficient and my wife doesnt work outside the home and frankly doesnt have alot of stress, so this holds no water for me.
Sex is not always going to be on the table in a long term marriage, or short term, for that matter. When you get to be 60 and YOU need the understanding of a MAN wanting to put out sex, but unable to, due to whatever, MAYBE you too will have a WIFE there UNDERSTANDING and "working" with you on why YOU can't put out for her!
i live in the now and time is a wasting. that makes a point, better take advantage of our youth and get while the getting is good. so if the wife, despite long term efforts, just doesnt want sex knowing how important it is to me, i am supposed to dry up????
Sometimes you gotta think with your big brain to get any for the little brain?
again, no i dont. your statement implies that sex with the wife is something i'm gonna have to work for, to earn, even though she likes it on the rare occasion. i kinda feel like i have held my end of the bargain up over our 20 years of marriage.consistent rejection wears me out, i think it does most people. please remember when your reading this post that you are seeing bitterness and resentment that has built up for a long time.
I know what your saying, I had the same problems too. To get rejected so much sure puts a damper on your self worth.
I can see Sandy's point too. It cant be easy for a woman to be barfed, peed and God knows what else on and still feel sexy. Rasing screaming kids ALL DAY without going to getiting away or having adult conversations can really take its toll.
Im sure there is a happy compromise somewhere in between.
I know what your saying, I had the same problems too. To get rejected so much sure puts a damper on your self worth.
I can see Sandy's point too. It cant be easy for a woman to be barfed, peed and God knows what else on and still feel sexy. Rasing screaming kids ALL DAY without going to getiting away or having adult conversations can really take its toll.
Im sure there is a happy compromise somewhere in between.
I was just never able to find it
i do understand the toll babies, toddlers and young children take on a mother. no doubt a very trying time. i dont think the original poster said how old their children are, mine are all older than 10. they just arent that taxing for a stay at home mom.
Well, if you are not getting sex then there is a REASON.
Our sex life goes up and down, depending on what stressors and resentments are hanging out there.
I am not saying all men, but many husbands can't seem to figure out what makes their wife "tick". They let things go and go and go, get frustrated and never manage to get to the BOTTOM of the issue.
If your wife doesn't have sex with you, there is a REASON. A man cannot simply give up and wander off to someone else.
If your husband doesn't want to have sex with you, there is a REASON. A woman cannot simply give up and wander off to someone else.
Sure, there are some women who use sex as a control device to get what they want. However, I feel fairly safe in saying that if a woman doesn't want to be touched, stroked, kissed by a man there is a reason.
Sometimes it is built up resentment and hostility. That needs to be worked through by BOTH because marriages usually will not last if both do not work on it.
And often the WORK being done is not EQUAL, either.
You almost sound like a kid in first grade: "Well, WHY do I have to do all the work....?".
Uh, because you are the ONE complaining, being resentful, being upset about your WIFE not sleeping with you, that's why! And it isn't so much WORK as it is LEARNING to communicate.
oh sandy, there are alot of women who use sex as a control device, history is laden with examples of that.
and please do not assume that this is a new problem for me and that i have never tried to fix it. yeah there is a reason she has a low sex drive, i just never have figured it out and she seems to be ok with it. she assumes i will just have to deal with it.
well, i'm off to PE, we have a big kickball game then sloppy joes at lunch right before naptime
Fact of the day: Women reach their sexual peak in their 40's. After 12 years and a few kids, there is no doubt she has had to get used to some form of schedule in life, same as you. Wake up, get dressed, get the kids to school, go to work, run errands, come home, make/eat dinner, help kids with homework, watch TV, go to bed, repeat. It's not easy to break out of that daily routine.
The fact that your wife is in her sexual prime is evident in the amazing sex you do have. That is such fantastic news because you have a lot to work with. Random sex, unusual places, odd times during the day...
Because your wife obviously enjoys herself, and because your sex life is pretty active - do you know what a lot of married people would do for sex as often as you're having it? - the issue doesn't appear to be interest or attraction or even a sexual dysfunction. It's a question of routine and you two are simply in a rut. A dose of spontaneity will move things along. Before you know it the kids will be away at school and you have the energy to check your email anymore!
Quantity and QUality 
