Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-05-2013, 06:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Let's face it, for many if not most couples, it's often not so easy to open up and share sexual fantasies with their partners.

Over the last several months I have shared some fantasies that some might consider a slightly out of the ordinary. Standards for this vary by couple of course but it's fair to say that they are not shockingly strange but enough "different" that I was a slightly embarrassed to share them and I didn't know what her reaction would be.

I got hardly any reaction from my wife each time I shared. I am left feeling very disappointed by this as I feel that opening up and sharing like this "deserves" some kind of response. I am NOT saying that the response to it needs to be agreement to live out the fantasy! However, I feel that it deserves at least, for example something like:

Interest in learning more - "Interesting, let's talk about this. What about this turns you on" etc.

or

Clear signal she is not interested at all - "Repulsive! Honestly that kind of turns me off. Thanks for sharing but..."

or

Interest in exploring her possible interest - "Hmmm...that sounds hot what if we played around with the fantasy in this way (something she was in her comfort zone)".

or

Enthusiasm for doing it - "Great..Ive had the same fantasy. Let's discuss and/or play it out"

or

Compromise - "Here's one of mine that is along a related theme..."

or

Trigger to get her to share - "I've never had an interest in that but here's one of mine.."

I think you get the idea. I feel hurt that it seems like she has not really thought about what I've shared with her. Like a shrug of the shoulders when I've gone out on a limb and shared these things with her. Also hurt that she does not seem to feel that me sharing these things has increased intimacy with me and that she's happy to know me better for it.

Again, I do not expect her to align around my fantasies or even to react right away...like if she thinks about it and then gives some kind of reaction at another time. But doesn't sharing deserve some kind of reaction? Any kind of reaction? Isn't a proverbial shoulder shrug insulting? I don't think that she's just afraid to say that she's repulsed as I've shared fantasies with very different themes. There is plenty of her to "play with" there.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

I would suggest that you tell her what you just told us. Gently explain that you are concerned by her lack of response and ask if she is open to discussing the issue in any way. Try to keep the lines of communication open, without making her feel cornered.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

After you share the fantasy say, "So, what do you think?" My wife takes time to process things she she can be quiet when presented with information she doesn't know what to do with. She'll think about it for a while and talk about it to me later when she's comfortable enough. Sometimes I have to gently prod her and ask her about what I shared.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

In my experience, some women are just not into sitting down and discussing these things. In fact, the whole process could be somewhat of a turn off.

Personally, I had to resort to bit more sneakier methods. Such as bringing up the subject without actually making it the center of conversation and certainly not make a huge deal about it.

Sure, I would prefer a straight forward and to the point conversation. But, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Did you first ask her if she wanted to hear about your fantasy? I mean there would be times for me when I felt open to discussion or wanted to hear about it versus times when I would be like are you serious!? Why are you telling me this right here and right now!?

Hope that makes sense. Sometimes timing is everything!
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Thank you for your advice.

I agree sandc that sometimes these things take time and I realized that she might need to gather her thoughts. However we've been intimate now several times since then and I've tried very gentle prodding (OK more like hinting). NeverEnuff...yes, it's important not to make her feel cornered and that's part of my resistance to raising it directly. I should have asked her what she thought directly after I told her so even if she didn't have an immediate response I would be giving the message that there is an open question on the table owing a response at some point.

Her lack of response and my reluctance/fear of raising it again is showing me that we are not as open and intimate as I would like.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeepBlue View Post
In my experience, some women are just not into sitting down and discussing these things. In fact, the whole process could be somewhat of a turn off.

Personally, I had to resort to bit more sneakier methods. Such as bringing up the subject without actually making it the center of conversation and certainly not make a huge deal about it.

Sure, I would prefer a straight forward and to the point conversation. But, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.
I agree. I did try to get the timing right. We were talking about sex, flirting a bit, drinking wine just to two of us, and a loosely related them came up within the previous couple of days.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Quote:
Originally Posted by raising5boyz View Post
Sometimes timing is everything!
This!
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Timing IS everything, that's true too. Also, hints don't work for some people. Sometimes I catch them sometimes I don't. My wife rarely catches a hint.

Are you sharing the fantasy before, during, or after sex?
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

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At some point sharing turns into obsessive pestering.

Have you crossed into that?

If so, maybe she is just numb to it?
I agree but I have not crossed into this. Over the last 2 years I've probably shared 4 or 5 significant fantasies and i have not really followed up (or pestered for any of them).

My issue is that I don't know if I can solve the problem by being more direct or to beat around the bush more (or just give up and forget about sharing fantasies in the future).
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

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Originally Posted by sandc View Post
Timing IS everything, that's true too. Also, hints don't work for some people. Sometimes I catch them sometimes I don't. My wife rarely catches a hint.

Are you sharing the fantasy before, during, or after sex?
Mainly I've done it during sexy talk/flirting that eventually leads up to sex. Over wine, alone, intimate settings when we are getting along well. IOW, when it's most conducive to this kind of thing.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Might have to reformat the message a bit. Try multiple different approaches over extended time period.

This is probably not what you want to hear. But it has taken me years to get some forward momentum going on certain things I had interest in.

Persistence does pay off.
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Old 01-05-2013, 11:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Perhaps she feels pressured to act your fantasy out.
Also..your "different" and her "different" may be worlds apart.
My ex husband told me about fantasies he had had of him with men and us "swapping"..Not my idea of a fun fantasy. He did it for 8 years until I told him to take his fantasy and you can guess the rest.
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Old 01-05-2013, 02:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

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Originally Posted by michzz View Post
The crux of your trouble is that you are making sexual requests even if couching them as fantasies.

I have no idea what they are, but it is clear she does not share them--by her reaction.

She is telling you no.
OK, even if you want to call these sexual requests then I think even those deserve some kind of answer.

But they are NOT requests for sex acts but more like fantasy scenarios (obviously leading up to sex but no sex acts that she objects to or anything different from what we already do).

The point is that she is NOT telling me "no" but rather not telling me ANYTHING. I take your point that perhaps I should be taking a hint that she wants nothing to do with it but I thought it was clear in my post that i don't understand saying NOTHING when I have gone out on a limb to share something like quite personal like this. I also was clear in my post that it's not a binary, yes/no thing but she can also discuss it with me to better understand it and perhaps come up with a way to work this in where we are both comfortable with it.

I know her well and I am certain that I did not insult her with any of this. Nor have I done anything wrong by sharing this.
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Old 01-05-2013, 02:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Woddy View Post
Perhaps she feels pressured to act your fantasy out.
Also..your "different" and her "different" may be worlds apart.
My ex husband told me about fantasies he had had of him with men and us "swapping"..Not my idea of a fun fantasy. He did it for 8 years until I told him to take his fantasy and you can guess the rest.
With respect, why on earth did it take you 8 years to tell him that you wanted no part of fantasies of this sort?

Anyway, my fantasies have nothing to do with wanting other people nor that I am gay or bisexual. They are not insulting or threatening to her in any way....and I've shared many with different themes. She's pretty open minded so they can't all be 'evil' for her! and she's not a shrinking violet and has no problem telling me to F off if I insulted her.
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