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Neither party can have it all, so why not accept what is good enuf?

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#1 ·
If you've read this forum long enuf, you know men complain about not enuf sex or HOW they get sex (meaning they have to initiate most of the time). Women complain he wants it too much, or isn't satisfied that she DOES have sex bcuz she loves hum, but not bcuz she is gagging for it.

Statistically, it would seem these scenarios are all too common. Not to say these are optimal situations, but if the man is getting it & she isn't turning you down, but being a GOOD wife & partner & participating when the ball gets rolling, it comes off as ungrateful for having someone who loves you do something to enhance the marriage bcuz she doesn't wanna rip your clothes off.

Seems like men want us to accept their porn habits & fantasies about other women bcuz it's "their nature." After having babies, maybe working, and running a household, most women lose their drive & don't need sex. They do it BCUZ they love you. It's our nature (from reading these forums, at least).

Why is it ok for your nature to rule w/ no empathy or understanding of ours? If we aren't ready to swallow a bucket of c*m or do something freaky, we are prudes or liars due to a bait & switch.

If we both accept what is and work together to meet in the middle, isn't that best for the marriage & the family?
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#7 ·
She is making a point similar to what I was trying to.

The fact that the person you love is making an effort should amount to something.

Maybe it isn't ideal but maybe her love language isn't sex. It really cannot be said "because she isn't tripping over her vaginal juices to get to me, she isn't into me."

She can love you just fine and just not want sex as much as you do.

That's all, not trying to start a fight.
 
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#4 · (Edited)
Life is more than sex.
That's what THOSE people say. But guess what, you can only choose what life is for YOU. You don't get to choose what's important in life for anyone else.

If the fact is that one of use is going to feel like garbage....either me for being rejected or placated, or her for being inadequate, then why should I be the one to feel like garbage? Especially if I was the one to feel like garbage for being rejected for years? When is it her turn to feel like garbage? Which is the selfish one?
 
#5 ·
First, this isn't just a guy thing, there have been women complaining of the same thing.

Secondly, i think it matters how much of a difference there is. If the wife wants sex once every two months, yeah, I think that's grounds to be a bit *****y as a man. Few guys sign up for that.

Third, 'duty' sex (which I assume you are referring to) is fine if done with enthusiasm, something which has been pointed out many times around here. We like sex with enthusiasm. We don't like it when you sigh, lay in the bed, say "hurry up" and start counting ceiling tiles.

And finally, yes, men do like having their sexual needs serviced in general. Just like women like have their financial and security needs met, in general. Would most women like it if we only paid the bills once every few months, *****ed about how much they spend on things, that they don't buy us things and in general ***** about everything to do with money, work and whatever else we provide? Is working and helping out around house not enough?

The coin goes both ways, depending on the issue. Men want a happy, fulfilling sex life the same as women want other things. A good marriage is about finding out what your partner wants and needs and striving to fulfill that. If that's not for you, then don't get married and have sex only when you feel the need to go get it. Nobody made you put a ring on your finger.
 
#6 ·
I think occasionally in most marriages a woman starts counting ceiling tiles no matter how "good" it/he is. That's just life - just like drives & people's bodies, attitudes & women's hormones changing. Meeting needs is the point of marriage. But, why look a gift horse in the mouth on either side?
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#12 ·
Statistically, it would seem these scenarios are all too common. Not to say these are optimal situations, but if the man is getting it & she isn't turning you down, but being a GOOD wife & partner & participating when the ball gets rolling, it comes off as ungrateful for having someone who loves you do something to enhance the marriage bcuz she doesn't wanna rip your clothes off.Posted via Mobile Device
I won't disagree with a word that you have written, and yet it still seems like you tone misses the point.

Looking again at my example of someone needing quality time, would it be acceptable if your spouse repeated yawned, looked the other way, zoned out and was generally uninterested as they conversed? If they tried to avoid it, communicated through body language that they were just trying to get through it, did it the minimum number of times, and were going through the motions? I think we all could agree that even though they are trying out of love, they are not really meeting your needs.

Sex for many men is no different. I think most recognize that their wife will go through cycles when it is just not humming along. But when a cycle lasts a couple of years, and attempts to discuss have been met with empty promises, it can be frustrating.

Just as frustrating, I suspect, as when other needs are not met.
 
#14 ·
I really fail to see an issue with this post.

As long as she isn't being a huffy ***** about it, what is the problem with her making an effort out of love?

She can't MAKE herself horny. If she only had sex when she was horny, there wouldn't be enough sex and we'd be back to square one. At some point...cut the other person some slack if they're trying.
 
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#18 ·
I was just having an argument about this kind of thing this morning. You say that you can't make yourself horny, but the fact is that if you were with the right guy then you would be horny. Which is proof that a woman in that situation simply isn't that into her man. My wife keeps insisting that she is into me totally. I told her this morning, I'll only believe her actions. The words are meaningless without action to back them up.
 
#21 ·
[MY CONCLUSION FROM READING THIS FORUM IS THAT] men complain about not enuf sex or HOW they get sex (meaning they have to initiate most of the time). [IT SEEMS TO ME THAT] Women complain he wants it too much, or isn't satisfied that she DOES have sex bcuz she loves hum, but not bcuz she is gagging for it.

[I'M ASSUMING] these scenarios are all too common. Not to say these are optimal situations, but [AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED] if the man is getting it & she isn't turning you down, but being a GOOD wife & partner & participating when the ball gets rolling, [IT SEEMS TO ME MEN CONCLUDE IT COMES] off as ungrateful for having someone who loves you do something to enhance the marriage bcuz she doesn't wanna rip your clothes off.

Seems [TO ME] like men want us to accept their porn habits & fantasies about other women bcuz it's "their nature." After having babies, maybe working, and running a household, [SOME WOMEN] lose their drive & don't need sex. [FOR THOSE WOMEN], They do it BCUZ they love you. It's [SOME WOMEN'S] nature (from reading these forums, at least).

Why is it ok for [THE MEN I KNOW] to rule w/ no empathy or understanding of [ME]? If [I'M NOT] ready to swallow a bucket of c*m or do something freaky, [THE MEN I KNOW THINK I'M A] prude or liar due to a bait & switch.

If we both accept what is and work together to meet in the middle [AS I'VE DEFINED THE MIDDLE], isn't that best for the marriage & the family?
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Fixed it for ya.
 
#25 ·
I am a long time lurker and finally had to say something. From what I read on here are that the husbands are not getting enough sex and when they do it isn't up to par. I am 38 years old and my drive has peaked since last year. I have been that LD wife and what she is saying is true. I saw a poster on here say his wife was getting shots to help with hormones and she was urinating in the bed. How humiliating for her but he still wanted her to get them so he could have his lovemaking. Why can't there be a compromise why does it always have to be the HD person's way. All I hear is they are boring but in another post him and his wife tie each other up. Lets keep it real and just say you will never be satisfied. I don't hear alot of men on here talking about how much they love there women. Just something to think about.
 
#45 ·
Why O' Why does everyone have to be lumped into one category? If you have been around the board long enough then you know that every situation is different even if they have similar elements to it.

Why is it so hard to see that when a man (or woman for that matter), vents about sex, they may actually have a valid reason? If you take the time to actually read the stories, you can tell the difference between a selfish man ranting about sex and a good husband who's needs aren't being fulfilled.

The porn issue...whatever, many have said women like me will end up divorced or the husbands will lie about it because I don't use it blah, blah, blah... That issue is up for each individual couple and if you are with someone who agrees with you, don't worry about what other men say.
 
#831 ·
Why is it so hard to see that when a man (or woman for that matter), vents about sex, they may actually have a valid reason? If you take the time to actually read the stories, you can tell the difference between a selfish man ranting about sex and a good husband who's needs aren't being fulfilled.
That's the crux of the issue in a lot of this argument. It's about finding a way to meet the needs of both partners. However, if you cannot have open and honest communication WITHOUT pettiness, resentment and bitterness from either side, it cannot be achieved.

I do find the title of this thread really indicates the mindset of the OP. Her own experiences appear to have really left her in a very angry and resentful place and for that reason, I hope she finds some help.
 
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#50 ·
I realize sex isn't the reason most get married but is important to many to keep the a bond, the lack of sex or pressure of more sex than wanted will create friction.
Every relationship is so individual though it's not really fair to say hd need's to be more understanding, low drive need's to be more understanding ect, both may have valid points.
 
#53 ·
The fact is men are considered pigs if we get mad are talk about divorce because of the lack of sex, but what if I told my wife I think I just have a low work drive. If I just stop working, doing anything around the house, paying the bills and all that stuff. She would leave and everybody in town would talk about what a piece of SH!T I was. Sounds like a double standard to me. If I have to date rosie palm all the time then I probably don't need to be married.
 
#57 ·
It is a double standard. We all have to live with them, women and men. To be honest, you got the longer end of the stick in the double standard department. Also, her vagina isn't your personal de-hornify machine, so your right hand isn't a bad thing IN MODERATION, I agree there should be a compromise. "My way" isn't a compromise.

If someone asked you why you got divorced and you said "I wasn't getting enough sex" people would look at you like you were shallow.

I'm not saying you are but I really don't think anyone wants to be the ******* who lists that as their reason for divorce from a woman who is otherwise a very good wife.
 
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#61 ·
She is your wife. I mean, do you not remember why you married her?

She is making love to you.

But you want her to be writhing around in pleasure even if she isn't feel pleasure?

You want her to fake it? Or you want her to be "honest and true to herself" and close her legs again?


Sounds like none of it will make you happy.
 
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#82 ·
whatever. When you have no actual argument then you can always fall back on insulting the person you're talking with. It's a pretty weak tactic. For the record, my teeth and breath are fine. She complains that my 5 o'clock shadow irritates her skin, which is complete bull**** since there are billions of women kissing men with hair on their face every day.
 
#90 ·
.

And what makes it even worse is that many (most?) men are not adequate lovers,yet they have al these demands.



Touche'! Agree w/ everything you said. And for the record, porn makes most /many/some men LOUSY lovers because there is more to sex than jackhammer and pile driver. Thank you.
 
#108 ·
I've always prided myself on being a good person because it's the right thing to do. I do my share of the chores always have I can't stand a dirty house and I make my share of the messes so I clean up my share. I don't like porn sex just not me if I want to see that I can watch a video. I want my wife involved and enjoying and if she not up for it I'm happy with other things like HJ of BJ. Even watching me, and it's the lack of those things that are frustrating. I know she will never want PIV as much as me but help me out with some other things a couple times a week please.
 
#109 ·
My fiancé really wanted to watch me play with myself. I wasn't comfortable with it but I let him do it anyway.

I honestly think she may just not enjoy sexual activity very much.

When I'm not aroused, the idea of touching a penis is pretty gross.
 
#110 ·
The problem for LD people is when HD people make us feel like we have to "perform." We have to do HJs, BJs, let them c*m on you, deep throat ENTHUSIASTICALLY and they way THEY want it, or it's no good. Then it starts to feel like technical sex. It's a turn off. That's how I feel, among other things. There is no feeling of connection or love for me when he is adamant that we HAVE to have oral sex EVERY time we have sex. Or he has to slap my butt and talk dirty. It just feels weird and dumb, frankly.
 
#113 ·
This is a problem in your marriage that you have to solve. Stereotyping men and women will not solve you deep seated issues.

Some serious misunderstandings here:
Where is the proof that only 30% of women like/crave orgasms as men do?

It is not true that porn makes men bad lovers, it may make some men bad lovers but it also helps some men be better lovers.
I have had bad lovers that were not into porn.

There are plenty of women that enjoy sex and do like to get more than vanilla. Please do not make out that it is men that love sex and that women are not that into it. This is a huge misconception.
Some people do not like sex, some people do, it is not gender based.

If you do not like sex and are in a crappy relationship then have the guts to get out.
 
#117 ·
My wife and I struggled with the HD/LD thing for decades, and then it just kind of clicked...we found a balance that works.

In our case there were some very specific issues to talk through, and one of them was a commitment to accept each other as we are sexually and find the pleasures we can share.

Ironically, my sexual appetite has reduced with age, yet we are now having the most sexual activity of our lives.

And definitely it's much nicer for both of us to not be fighting, overtly or covertly, over this stuff.

As an aside, from what I read, I am average. She married me for me, not for my skill in bed. How could I want my wife to be begging for it....and then not be surprised when she leaves me for someone who is a better sexual athlete? Be careful what you wish for....
 
#124 ·
honeysuckle rose
A marked change in sex styles and/or frequency is more often than not an indication of underlining problems. This is true barring some sort of medical problem with one or both of the participants.
I would caution any younger person to not ignore these changes early on in the marriage because eventually it may become the norm for the rest of the life of the relationship.
 
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