How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-21-2013, 11:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

I've always known of my husbands addiction, at first it didn't bother me because we still had a healthy sex life. Now the only time we are intimate is if I initiate. He doesn't masturbate while he watches it, but he watches it everyday. I don't think he is cheating on me, he comes right home after work and doesn't go out on the weekends.

I'm lost at what to do, it seams that his watching porn is making him numb to sex. I don't want to be a b!^*# and tell him I don't want him watching something he enjoys, but it feels as though he doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore. I know he loves me and wants to be married to me, I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about wanting him to initiate being intimate and it just seams to go in one ear and out the other.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

Cry, get really upset, and then storm away saying you don't think he loves you or thinks you are attractive anymore. ....wait thats just experience talking.
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Old 01-21-2013, 12:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

This is a boundary issue. You start small. Say "I miss you. I miss feeling wanted and desired by you. I want you to initiate sex once a week". Speak directly and keep your words few.

If he does nothing try again. Move up a level. Say "I'm okay with you watching porn I'm not okay with you choosing it over me. I want you to initiate sex once a week".

If he still does nothing then you'll know where you stand. He has chosen porn over you and all the talking in the world isn't going to change that. At that point you have a decision to make. Is this a deal breaker or not? If it is tell him so and mean it. If not then shut up and learn to live with it.

Addictions are tough. Until the addicted person has something to lose they rarely change. More than likely unless you're willing to say porn or me he isn't going to do a darn thing. Why should he? You've allowed this to go on for a long time essentially giving him your blessing to continue.
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Old 01-21-2013, 09:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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my wife says I have this problem and yes I like to watch porn maybe a couple times a week. i feel it is an intimacy issue with my wife because we can't discuss sex.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

Well if you don't talk about sex how does she talk about "your problem"? Porn is about sex.
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Old 01-22-2013, 11:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

My husband used to watch alot of porn, and yes, it affected our sex life because he would masturbate, then there would be nothing left for me. This is something he did before me, and it didnt stop after we married. He slowed down some. But now, we have sex about every 3-4 months. Im in my prime, he isnt a very sexual person, so whadda ya do?

The only thing you can do is tell him what you said here. If he still doesnt listen, maybe try counseling. If that does no good, then maybe its time to give him the ultimatum. Porn, or a sex life with you. If he chooses porn, then maybe its time to move on. Just dont let it get to where I have, or youll be miserable your entire marriage. See if he will at least slow down the porn, so he can work on a sex life with you. Be open with him about what youre missing.
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Old 01-22-2013, 12:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

Since he is not initiating sex with you, I’m sure he is indeed masturbating to the porn, because otherwise he would be coming to you for release. Many women would feel that he is actually cheating on you … he is fantasizing being with the porn women. You have to get him to admit it is a problem and get him to commit to you he will stop watching the porn and masturbating. Here are the steps we took that turned our situation around completely. First there is software that prevents access to porn sites once loaded on your computer. Secondly, you have to demand that his orgasms are yours and that going forward, you expect him to be ready for sexual activity at your discretion. My wife will require me at any time of the day to provide her “a salute” (erection) to ensure I have not been jerking off. I get rewarded with release at her discretion and am always on call so to speak. She mixes it up as well … sometimes its intercourse or oral or whatever she decides. There are no unauthorized orgasms. To be successful you have to take total control, without being harsh, and provide him the rewards of remaining faithful to your guidelines. Good luck.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

Well if he is aware that you know of his "addiction" to porn and doesn't appear to be self pleasuring while he watches I'd have to say that I don't think the porn is really anything to do with his sexual wants/desires or not finding you attractive etc. It sounds as though that is his stress relief. His safe outlet for whatever pressure he might be under. Some men play video games, play sports, watch porn, drink and other activities to de-stress.
You might try approaching this issue from another angle. Try asking more about how work is going for him...see if there is an underlying problem.
If he is willing try and have a "tell all" talk. Tell him he can ask you any question he wishes and you will be honest...then it will be your turn. This should help pull down some walls that may have been put up over time.
Just make sure to be sensitive about your approach. Best advice, be honest, be respectful, and be firm about your feelings.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

I would say that this could be a symptom for another problem in the marriage. Why is he withdrawing in the first place?
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Say "I'm okay with you watching porn I'm not okay with you choosing it over me. I want you to initiate sex once a week


Short, Sweet, Direct, To the Point and Elegant!
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

You were fine with him watching porn, and it's led to him choosing porn over you.

It's Ok to not be fine with it.

Any person who chooses another outlet over emotional or physical intimacy with their spouse has a problem.

You deserve better. He needs to stop watching porn. Find a good counselor who specialises in porn addiction and tell your husband that he needs to put all of his effort into overcoming this issue and fixing your relationship.
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Old 05-31-2013, 01:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

I am in the same boat. I didn't have a problem with porn and actually joined in some fetish activities. Now 35 years married my husband is 61 and I am 58 I wish it would go away especially teen porn it's the sneaking around and lying that accompany my husband activities lately that are destroying me. Years ago there was no internet....you could see what was going on around you and there wasn't another "live" human being at the other end.
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

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Originally Posted by Katia1010 View Post
I am in the same boat. I didn't have a problem with porn and actually joined in some fetish activities. Now 35 years married my husband is 61 and I am 58 I wish it would go away especially teen porn it's the sneaking around and lying that accompany my husband activities lately that are destroying me. Years ago there was no internet....you could see what was going on around you and there wasn't another "live" human being at the other end.
Is he just watching porn, or is he using sex chat sites?? There is a HUGE difference.
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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my wife says I have this problem and yes I like to watch porn maybe a couple times a week. i feel it is an intimacy issue with my wife because we can't discuss sex.
It does take two to tango, as the old adage says.

Do you know her love language? I've learned some things recently about this in my marriage. Her love language (google 5 love language test) is words of affirmation. Mine is physical touch. I couldn't discuss sex with my wife because I didn't make it safe enough for us to discuss it. I brought it up as an "issue" and she felt not affirmed or validated-- which translated into not loved by me. She clammed up because she felt I was blaming her. I couldn't discuss it with her because I was crippling her love language.

Now I talk about sex with her. What changed? I told her what I loved about her and about what I enjoyed regarding intimacy and sex. I told her how crazy I was about her, and that I sometimes craved more intimacy with my beautiful woman! I wrote her a letter affirming her as my wife, as a mother, as the love of my life. I didn't do all of this to simply get more sex -- so ladies, please understand this! I simply focused on what I was really feeling inside and how to express it. Because all of this was true and I wasn't telling her! Instead I was critical and bringing up "issues" all of the time -- focusing on the negative. This made her feel terrible and like a failure. Not a good combo for her sex drive, let me tell you!

I also told her how much I appreciate it when she is affectionate with me, especially in public. She isn't naturally very affectionate (and it isn't her love language), but she heard what I said and it felt so amazing when this improved I can hardly tell you the feeling! It must have felt like this for her when I wrote her that letter and spoke her love language to her!

Anyway, I challenge you to be the man and get off of this crazy cycle you are on. I wish someone had explained this to me.
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:46 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I talk to my husband about his porn addiction?

You probably need to know the answer to the question of whether or not porn is a symptom or the disease before you know what to do about it.
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