No sex, what needs to change?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » No sex, what needs to change?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-23-2013, 03:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No sex, what needs to change?

Sorry if this topic has been covered endlessly on these forums, I imagine it's a common problem when a marriage loses it's spark. I'm really struggling with the issue though and find myself thinking that life would be better apart if things don't improve. We have 3 kids and this is the last thing I want to happen, so please help me change things around. I love my wife and don't want to lose her but the lack of sex in our relationship is driving me crazy.
We've been together for 8 years, married 5. Our youngest is almost 2 now. I realise that having young kids is bound to have an effect on our sex life but we haven't had sex for about 6 weeks and that was only because she wanted to please me, not because she felt like it, which is a problem for me. For the last fews years we probably have sex 2/3 times a month usually in the space of a week and then nothing for 3 weeks. Very much in tune with her fertility cycle when she feels horny. However, sometimes we've gone as long as 3 months without, and that is hard to handle.
I recently opened up to her about it and told her how I felt, we had a good open conversation about it all and I thought that things might change, but they haven't. I do not know how to get her to feel like having sex any more. If she doesn't feel like it I don't want to do it either and I can't initiate things if she's just doing it to please me. Actually it just makes me feel like **** when sex is like that. I'm 31 years old and I feel like I'm missing out on my sexual peak, other women find me attractive but my own wife doesn't and I would never cheat on her. I really need to find a solution. Sorry for the lengthy post.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Why should she not neglect her sexual responsibilities to you? There are no adverse consequences. If you slept instead of working on your job every day for months on end and your boss started jumping through hoops to blow powder sugar up your backside in an effort to make you want to work, but he clearly told you that you would never be fired, would you be likely to alter your behavior? It gets her tons of attention and there's no downside. What does she get out of the relationship? Find out what she values from you and link that to meeting your needs. There are no passengers in this canoe. She has expectations of you and if you don't produce, she will likely give you negative consequences. Why should your needs be less valid? If you just quit going to work because you'd rather use your day to play golf or fish, what would be her reaction?
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Thank you unbelievable, I like what you said about finding out what she values from me I think it would be useful to know. However, I really worry that if I start laying down ultimatums she will only have sex to please me. It's a delicate situation because I want her to want to, not feel obliged like she's doing a job.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Are you in as good of physical shape as when you got married? Her lack of interest in sex could be something as simple as that (which is partly the cause of my own loss of interest in sex).
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

What's your relationship like?

Who does most of the childcare?

Who does most of the housework?

Do you both work outside the home?

Does your wife nag you?
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:23 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Hey Rabbit, it's a good point. I'm not in as good shape as I was fitness wise, when we met I had a job that meant lots of physical work but now I rarely exercise. I used to be quite skinny and now I'm more average build but people tell me I look better now than before. My wife is quite overweight herself but after 3 kids it's normal and I still find her attractive. Sometime I wonder if she feels too bad about her own body, she seems to want to hide her nakedness even though I enjoy seeing her naked. Perhaps both these things have an impact?
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

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Originally Posted by *LittleDeer* View Post
What's your relationship like? We have rough patches but we make up quickly and try and solve the issues together.

Who does most of the childcare? We share the childcare pretty equally, I'm starting a business from home so I'm around the kids a lot.

Who does most of the housework? My wife did most (but not all) of the housework until we had a recent bust up about it. Now we share all the chores equally.

Do you both work outside the home? No we are both in the home, I'm working on the business. She doesn't work but goes once a week to university part time.

Does your wife nag you? Yes, this is what led to some arguments recently. My wife does tend to nag me quite a lot about household stuff and when I do help out I often get told I'm doing stuff wrong. We had a big shouting match but since then (about 3 weeks ago) we have divided up all the chores equally.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

What's your relationship like?
Quote:
We have rough patches but we make up quickly and try and solve the issues together.
When you say solve it, does it involve you giving in most of the time?

Who does most of the childcare?
Quote:
We share the childcare pretty equally, I'm starting a business from home so I'm around the kids a lot.
How many hours do you spend on the business a day?

If it's like a full time job, you should not be doing 50% of the child care, but you should be doing a fair amount based on how much you work and particularly in the evenings. If you do more then your fair share she will take you for granted.

Who does most of the housework?
Quote:
My wife did most (but not all) of the housework until we had a recent bust up about it. Now we share all the chores equally.
If your hours on the business are small then I think it's fine to do more housework, however if they are genuinely normal business hours then it should be fair, you should do some things but not more then your fair share.

If you were doing none it can build resentment, plus lead her to treat you like another child who needs taking care of, that's not good. There needs to be balance and you need to take care of chores not for your wife but because you are an adult and responsible adults pitch in and do their fair share. That is attractive.

Do you both work outside the home?
Quote:
No we are both in the home, I'm working on the business. She doesn't work but goes once a week to university part time.
Are you genuinely working hard? No video games etc?

If so then unless your wife is at uni or studying she needs to do her fair share too. Do not allow her to slack off either.

Does your wife nag you?
Quote:
Yes, this is what led to some arguments recently. My wife does tend to nag me quite a lot about household stuff and when I do help out I often get told I'm doing stuff wrong. We had a big shouting match but since then (about 3 weeks ago) we have divided up all the chores equally.
Yes the nagging is bad. If I have to"nag" someone it means they aren't being responsible. So make sure you aren't another child and that you get the stuff that needs to be done, done without her having to nag.

Also do not be afraid to stand up for your self, but make sure you are being fair.

It helps if you stay even tempered and refuse to engage with your wife when she is yelling.

A man who knows what he wants and goes for it is sexy, one who takes care of his wife and children and puts the family first without being told to, but also cares for himself and isn't a door mat. You have to get the balance right.

Also is your health good? And how is your wifes health?
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Thanks LittleDeer, words of wisdom. My wife definitely does treat me like a child sometimes but somewhat unfairly I feel. She is 2 years older than me and I think that makes a difference to her but I don't think about it. The main problem is that we live in Germany and that means I have to depend a lot on her as a native speaker to cope with all the beaurocrasy here. My German is ok but I struggle with business language and this leads to some tension as well. Health wise we are both fine although for a couple of years I had problems with my spine, but it's ok now.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default No sex, what needs to change?

Check out "his needs, her needs" and "the five love languages". Read them together if possible and be honest with her about wanting to improve your relationship
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

she needs to feel sexy before she can give you a 'sexytime'

A bit hard with 3 small children.

What I do to turn my mrs on is I made a fake gmail account and I send her erotic stories, works everytime. Try it
Oh and it also helps to make sure she orgasms!!
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

What needs to change? Perhaps your marital status!

Seriously, as you mentioned, your wife could have a bunch of stuff going on like:

1 - Poor self body image due to her weight gain
2 - Having small children is exhausting
3 - Is she on any sort of birth control? alot of these are libido killers
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

It's not about laying down an ultimatum

You want your wife to want you... How do you do that? Men are not the same as women when it comes to sex. Men will have sex at the drop of a hat. Women need to mentally be there to want it. Her drive is responsive directly to your actions. Your drive is responsive to her physical presence... So it's about the actions you must take to drive a response on her... You are thinking... No way! When we were engaged she was crazy for sex with me and I wasn't doing anything at all.... But you were. She knew she wanted to marry you and she knew that she needed to do this to make you interested in marrying her. So reading deeper into the posts above, your wife currently does not understand or realize that she cannot keep her marriage (and life as she knows it) unless she participates in a ceratin way in her marriage... You have not taught her this.
Don't think about ultimatums. Think about a process change in your marriage where:

-- You figure out what her emoitional needs are, really understand her, and do things to make her feel emotionally happy... That's your job as a man
-- You figure out how to teach her that marriages are different than other relationships in that they are sexual, and that your needs are sexual in nature, and important at the core of you existance as a man... And the marriage can only function if man meet's wife's needs and wife meet's man's needs.

So your first step is figuring out her needs, what makes her feel good, what makes her feel happy, excitied and enthused about her whole life?
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
It's not about laying down an ultimatum

You want your wife to want you... How do you do that? Men are not the same as women when it comes to sex. Men will have sex at the drop of a hat. Women need to mentally be there to want it. Her drive is responsive directly to your actions. Your drive is responsive to her physical presence... So it's about the actions you must take to drive a response on her... You are thinking... No way! When we were engaged she was crazy for sex with me and I wasn't doing anything at all.... But you were. She knew she wanted to marry you and she knew that she needed to do this to make you interested in marrying her. So reading deeper into the posts above, your wife currently does not understand or realize that she cannot keep her marriage (and life as she knows it) unless she participates in a ceratin way in her marriage... You have not taught her this.
Don't think about ultimatums. Think about a process change in your marriage where:

-- You figure out what her emoitional needs are, really understand her, and do things to make her feel emotionally happy... That's your job as a man
-- You figure out how to teach her that marriages are different than other relationships in that they are sexual, and that your needs are sexual in nature, and important at the core of you existance as a man... And the marriage can only function if man meet's wife's needs and wife meet's man's needs.

So your first step is figuring out her needs, what makes her feel good, what makes her feel happy, excitied and enthused about her whole life?
Hicks, not dissing your advice here but it doesn't always work.

My wife and I have had NUMEROUS converstaions about what her needs are what it is that I needed to do to put her in the mood. I did all of these things (as well as numerous other things) and nothing really changed.

I also tried MANY different approaches thinking that maybe she wasn't able to accurately vocalize whet her needs are. I've tried being more Alpha and more beta. Maybe got a little better results with the alpha approach but it didn't last long

However, I guess this is as good a starting point as any for the OP!
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Old 01-23-2013, 10:28 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex, what needs to change?

In my mind once you have the discussion that you're dissatisfied about your sex life together she's either going to consider your position and work with you to find an acceptable solution for both...or she won't. If she doesn't your choices are to leave or to accept things as they are.
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