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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-06-2013, 11:36 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

My advice is to not do anything too drastic at this point. Stop the affair. Take time to sort out how you want to address the entire situation. There is enormous gravity to whatever decision you make.

My suggestion would be to perhaps see a professional counsellor to help get some perspective before you make any decisions. As you can see the advice you're getting here is heavily swayed by the personal history of the person commenting. I think an professional will be able to provide more objective advice.

Best of luck.
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Old 02-06-2013, 02:39 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Your wife did not drive you to cheating.

Your wife did not make you do anything.

Your wife failed to be a good partner in the marriage. She has some dysfunctions. You brought your own issues to the marriage. You both made a bad sexless marriage.

You both made the marriage what it was at the moment you decided to cheat.

What if you had set a boundary at the very first instant you detected she was checking out or was withholding sex? What if you had set a boundary after the first short while of no sex? What if you had decided the marriage was broken and set a boundary of good progress or else divorce?

YOU could have totally changed the trajectory of your marriage prior to your affair.

YOU chose to stay in a bad marriage. YOU did not have the skills to correct the problems early on.

YOU decided you could not continue without sex, so YOU decided to have the affair. YOU decided every time you met your partner to continue the affair.

YOU and YOUR WIFE walked your marriage to the edge of the cliff. She did not push you off, you decided to jump because you could not bear to be there with her on the precipice.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:13 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

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Originally Posted by Cletus View Post
No. Rape is far worse. You seem very committed to seeing that the spouse isn't victimized but chewed other posters out for suggesting you were doing the same thing essentially by creating the possibility of future rape victims.

You've made your point, you're beating this guy like a rug, and it smacks a little of hypocrisy.

I'll bow out now in an effort to keep the temperature down.
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Accusing her of being responsible for the future actions of a man who victimized her is beyond cruel. By attacking how she chooses to deal with her abuse you're victimizing her once again. She doesn't cause this man to victimize people. She is not responsible for his actions.

Yes it's commendable if a victim acts to prosecute their attacker but not everyone is capable of doing that. Have some compassion. Direct your anger at the man committing the crime not the person he committed it against.

The two situations are not at all the same. She's asking a man who did something wrong to confess. You're asking her to take action that may or may not stop someone who did something wrong to her.

I think you owe her an apology.
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:20 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by jaharthur View Post
It's hard to fix what was never there. Sadly, your situation is a cautionary tale. Marriage rarely fixes pre-existing issues. And if you don't desire your prospective spouse, move on.
I almost hit the "LIKE" button on this post. It makes sense but the more I thought about it I'm not sure this is true. He said his wife was a pretty woman. I bet she would like a satisfying sex life and I'm sure she is capable. Sounds like she needs to fix her health problem and learn how to be a good partner. If she is attractive and she learned to perform as you would wished, wouldn't that work?

Last edited by Sunshine1234; 02-06-2013 at 04:51 PM.
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:48 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by TomorrowNeverKnows View Post
I know her well enough that telling her about the affair will not help. I actually don't think it will end in divorce. She would probably just shut down emotionally and then our relationship would become a even greater charade than it is now. Then either I leave, so she can blame me, or we'd separate after the kids are grown.

She exercises somewhat regularly and is very fit for her age (45). She has the body of a 20-something year old. Again, it's not about lack of physical attractiveness. It doesn't seem like a medical condition to me. But I'm open to exploring all possibilities. Her nipples are SO sensitive that she doesn't allow me to fondle her breasts without her wearing a bra. It doesn't even occur to her any longer that I need to get something out of it too. We can't have intercourse unless she's totally wet and that takes a long time. So just grabbing her or waking her in the middle of the night is a total non-starter. For me, half the excitement (maybe 90% actually) is the spontaneity. The moment it becomes mechanical it sucks. Then if she scolds me "I told you so many times I don't like being touched like that", there is nothing that kills an erection faster.

At the same time I believe there is something going on with her fixation with porn the last few years we did have sex. I suggested it to help get us (really me) get in the mood. Then she wanted it on every time. Sometimes I'd watch her as she got aroused and noticed it was almost always during couples friendly lesbian sex. I asked her once if she likes girls, and she said definitely not. She said they are just more attractive and sensual then ugly male porn stars. She never wants to watch scenes where they look like "animals". The moment sex was over, if it was a scene with a male actor she thought it was gross and demanded that I turn it off. I don't think she likes girls but what am I to read from that?
Oh my goodness, this woman has hormone issues! You can't touch her breasts and you people live like this? You think/accept this for normal? This woman has an imbalance in her hormones. Send her to a doctor to get all that fixed. She should not be living like that... sheeesh. I had that when I was pregnant and hated that!

As for the porn, she is not a lesbian. I completely understand how she feels. Although the men would be easy on my eyes. Some of those women are gorgeous. They perfect the woman and make them so sexy. It's something we can all admire. She probably invisions herself looking that way and in her head she pulls some of those same moves.

Based on what you've said I believe your wife has a female condition that can be corrected. Her libido can turn around. After she gets her health in check you can go to sex therapy. If you don't try everything, how are you going to feel if you divorce and then in a year she addresses her health issues and then meets someone else with whom she has a wonderful sex life with?

Last edited by Sunshine1234; 02-06-2013 at 04:53 PM.
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Old 02-06-2013, 05:06 PM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

It's going to be unanimous that a sexless marriage doesnt excuse an affair. But your sexless marriage is self inflicted. The introduction of porn...marrying someone you're not attracted to...

This is your mess.

Against the norm of the board, I'm starting to think a unilaterally imposed sexless marriage is grounds for cheating in rare circumstances. Never thought I'd feel that way until I started living it. But your situation is quite different.
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Old 02-27-2013, 06:05 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Your situation has some parallels to mine. I am in a relatively sexless marriage with kid(s) that evolved that way immediately on the transition to marriage in spite of significant efforts on my part and no clue in advance that I should expect such. I think after marriage, people (men/women thought he sex aspect may be differently expressed on average) drift to what they are more comfortable with.

Like you, I also surfed here looking for opinions and perspectives. What shocked me is how dogmatic people are here AND they all want things for others as they would want them to work for themselves (check the thread under my name and you will see what I mean). People are all different and you sound like a reasonably introspective guy. I am sure you know your wife far far better than the posters here ... along with what she might and might not prefer. It also seems many comments are made with low reading comprehension and there seems to be a bias that the guy is going something to deserve being sexually tortured. Why the latter may often happen, it is *not* always the case.

I had a situation like yours for just a sex outlet for survival. BUT I was careless and got caught. Getting caught was a result of an attitude on my part that I should not hide it too much in case she really wanted to know. I had warned her that I could not live like this long term and she ignored every plead to work to change and was otherwise happy. I was not happy and it was causing me physical problems even due to stress resulting. To my surprise she did eventually look and found out. That was likely a BIG mistake since now I have to address a maybe intractable problem now made worse. She does not want a divorce, is happy the way things are, but does not want me to have any outlet either. So you could say I am a prisoner of sorts.

Another thing for you to consider is you should be very careful about getting caught if you want to stay as things are so your kids grow up reasonably balanced in their formative years. I'm sure I will be flamed for saying this too. Sex is one aspect of life. You cannot always have all things at all times. Infidelity may well be appropriate in some extreme cases. Sure it is not optimal, but perhaps in some case the lesser of evils. You may well be in such a situation.

Finally, for me, I wish I had discussed with my wife having an open relationship (perhaps in a choice of fixing it, open marriage, or divorce) and I may well do that in time (not good phase now for me). That would remove ethical quandaries and you could make clear that the bounds are only for physical relief. You may wish to consider such. You would need to be prepared to go both ways in that though and I suspect most women are less likely to take a purely physical outlook in such if they did act on it.
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:22 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Who knows what the answer is? I'm a woman currently in a sexless marriage and I've caved in to an affair. The OP has my sympathies.
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:57 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I could never give carte blanche to cheating within the bounds of a married relationship. IMO, you only have three viable choices, and one of them, I just can't really bring myself to embrace:
  1. If possible, fastly get into joint marriage, sexual counseling and work hard at getting this situation resolved.
  2. Jointly agree that it was a bad marriage from the start and work at getting an amicable divorce through your states "no-fault" divorce laws.
  3. If the preservation of the marriage is the your only option, then she will have to sign off and give her blessings to you on allowing you to see other women in order to meet your basic sexual needs.

I cannot give any creedence to Option No. 3, for obvious moral and religious reasons. But if Option No. 1 cannot, in any way work, then the amicable divorce option may be your only true recourse!
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Old 02-28-2013, 11:43 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

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Originally Posted by not_bubba View Post
That was likely a BIG mistake since now I have to address a maybe intractable problem now made worse. She does not want a divorce, is happy the way things are, but does not want me to have any outlet either. So you could say I am a prisoner of sorts.
I think you made a huge mistake. And I'm not talking about the cheating. While I don't condone it, I understand the reasoning. But then when you got caught you threw out the reasoning and caved to your wife. She wants to enforce celibacy on you and that is just wrong. When she says she's happy the way things are, I assume you mean that she's still not having sex with you. I would think that once everything is out in the open the choices you give her are either she puts out, or you continue getting it elsewhere, divorce or not. Because forcing you to be celibate is clearly abusive.

Question: do you often respond this way to your wife? And do you think it's possible that your weak response is why she doesn't have sex with you in the first place?
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Old 02-28-2013, 03:38 PM   #86 (permalink)
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I think you made a huge mistake. And I'm not talking about the cheating. While I don't condone it, I understand the reasoning. But then when you got caught you threw out the reasoning and caved to your wife. She wants to enforce celibacy on you and that is just wrong. When she says she's happy the way things are, I assume you mean that she's still not having sex with you. I would think that once everything is out in the open the choices you give her are either she puts out, or you continue getting it elsewhere, divorce or not. Because forcing you to be celibate is clearly abusive.
You are mostly right and I think she would "put out" given the hard choice of divorce and losing her otherwise comfortable situation. And I agree that forced celibacy on a spouse is abuse ... whether it is intended to be such (think common to punish guys this way from what I read) or not (guess in my case this is so ... she is just very low drive). This is especially true when there are big unanticipated changes being made (such as on marriage).

BUT there is another issue. Do you really want an unwilling spouse putting out just so you stay married? At that level things are not much different than masturbation. That strikes me as not so appealing. I like to please my partner. Ironically, my wife has no issues in liking the act as it has been/is (very infrequent) but that would have likely changed with the issue forced since she is not the type to like things imposed and does not hide sentiments.

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Question: do you often respond this way to your wife? And do you think it's possible that your weak response is why she doesn't have sex with you in the first place?
Could be. Though things were not different before and after marriage to trigger such a change. I probably always cater to her too much and she just started doing what she wanted with the official contract Generally speaking though, many women clearly like more alpha-dog type guys. It is probably something wired in biologically via evolution and survival of offspring in more primitive conditions. While not being pushy and catering her too much, I am not otherwise that un-macho though. Like you (guess from your pic), I mountain climb and many other such things in more extreme ranges (like climbing vertical multi-pitch ice etc). She does not partake in any such things, and would probably die of a heart attack on things that I would not feel any stress over.

Nevertheless, reading these discussions has given me some good ideas in how to better address things in the near future without cheating again which I fully agree is a not so good approach. But people are all so different one must be careful about applying logic of others to our own situations.
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:51 PM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I understand your point, and I agree that it's no fun to have a wife who is having sex just to stop you from divorce. I guess my intent would be to make her be the one to choose whether she wants to be part of a real (sexual) marriage or if she wants to delegate the sexual part of the marriage to someone else. Either way it has to be clear that door C (forced celibacy) is simply not one of the choices on the table. Sex is either important to her or it is not. If it is, then she should be having sex with you. If it is not important, then she shouldn't care where you get it. But if she's lurking behind door C, that is, if it is important but she just doesn't want you to have it, well that's a boundary issue. That's giving her too much control over your basic self.

So I'm not talking about forcing anything, other than forcing her to make a choice from the available choices. And controlling (through your boundaries) what those choices are.

Now I forget who said this....maybe it was Hicks....but someone said that a wife needs to feel safe having sex with you, and she needs to feel unsafe not having sex with you.
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Old 02-28-2013, 06:02 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Shouldn't have gotten married to begin with but can't put that milk back in the carton. No idea why people go into a dysfunctional marriage/relationship with eyes wide open. If she pulled a bait & switch I could understand but you knew you weren't sexually compatable or satisfied with her yet you married her anyway. Which makes it hard for me to feel much sympathy for you. Sexless or not.

Do both of yourselves a favor and divorce before she and your kids find out. Believe me they'll lose considerable respect for you if and when they do. Especially since you have a mistress who you have no idea what she'll do.

You're in an unsatisfying sexual marriage and it's not going to get any better. You're either just going to be sexless and miserable or cheat again and be a bit less miserable. At least do right by your wife and divorce her if you're not going to be honest with her. Because all you're doing right now is screwing her over.
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:16 PM   #89 (permalink)
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No.
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Old 02-28-2013, 07:51 PM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

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Originally Posted by ClimbingTheWalls View Post
Who knows what the answer is? I'm a woman currently in a sexless marriage and I've caved in to an affair. The OP has my sympathies.
I'm curious. I've seen your posts. Why don't you divorce? You are in a sexless marriage because you choose to be in a sexless marriage. Does your husband know you are having sex with another man? You've stated that you are good friends with your husband so I wonder why you don't divorce ....

I'm also in a sexless marriage. I am not attracted to my now morbidly obese wife. I do have children so that is a dilemma for me. My wife and I are merely roommates. I would by lying if I told you I hadn't considered an affair ... but the ramifications are just too terrible. My wife has faults but she doesn't deserve that. I get by but there is no doubt that a big part of me is missing. Sex ... or more appropriately, intimacy ... is VERY important to me. It's not easy. I'm choosing in the meantime to help her ... putting her through school for a midlife career change and trying everything I can to help her lose the weight.

Last edited by JustSomeGuyWho; 02-28-2013 at 07:56 PM.
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