Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?
Over the 12 year relationship with my wife, our sex life has gone from bad to non-existent. It was never good - even when we were dating. She's very pretty but I've never been sexually attracted to her. When you’re 18 you don’t think such a thing is possible… Our relationship was based on friendship, companionship, and shared interests. She had a fairly active libido when we first met but we’ve never been compatible sexually. She is incredibly sensitive and most anything I do in bed "hurts" her. I'm not into rough sex, just a little dirty talk and some light role playing. With my past partners, I'm used to doing things like a little nibbling, the occasional hair pulling, or playful biting and slapping. With her, all of that stuff was just awkward and not received well at all. She tried a few times to give me oral pleasure but it was never good. So that was totally abandoned as well. Using her own words, she is "too sensitive" for anything but missionary position. We talked about it and worked on it the first year or so, about how we could learn to pleasure each other, but over time, sex just devolved into this horrible routine. Once married, we basically only had sex to procreate. We'd turn on some porn, which I introduced her to but after a while she was requesting every time, then she'd assume the missionary position. I'd caress her for about 15-20 minutes until she was aroused. During that time, I'd almost always get scolded at some point for being too rough and not being sensitive to her needs. Then when she was wet, I'd get myself aroused by looking at the porn, and then we'd screw. She always came before I did, but over the years I taught myself how to cum faster (not something I ever thought I'd have to worry about). Then we clean up the mess and go back to watching regular TV. Frankly, it sucked. Sometimes I dreaded having sex. But then, things actually got worse. She knew the few times we really had good sex was when we climaxed at / near the same time. Because she really wanted to pleasure me, she became so worried about always coming before me, that she started holding back her orgasms. So now, she has a mental block and can't even orgasm anymore even when she wants to. So then her libido went away because she doesn't enjoy sex anymore either. Welcome to the club. I can't even remember the last time we had sex other than failed penetration that left her wincing in pain. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife physically so I’d get limp just seeing her suffer. It was horrible.
At some point I began feeling self doubt. Was I a bad lover? Was I a clutz in bed? I also wonder about why she would insist on watching porn every time we had sex. Is it a crutch for her too or some way to fantasize about things she’s unwilling to talk about? I can be very candid about sex but she’s totally unwilling.
Now the bad part, I eventually reached the point that I couldn’t take it anymore and I started cheating about a year ago. I'm not here to make excuses for what I've done, or say that she drove me to cheating. But I couldn’t go the rest of my life without sex. I can’t call what my wife and I were doing sex. My lover is of course much younger than I am. I’m 41 and she is 26. I lied (by omission) to get her into bed. We had sex in the car repeatedly, and at her place several times before we had the “why don’t you ever take me to your place” conversation. I confessed, she cried and ended it immediately. I never told my wife about it and actually used my rediscovered libido to try to rekindle our sex life. On several occasions, after a date night or a fun evening, I tried to get romantic with her. She was either too tired or when we tried, it was too painful for her. This is when I realized she has no libido left at all. So after about a half dozen attempts, I became frustrated and gave up. I never try to have sex her with anymore and she hasn’t brought it up once in over six months. I sometimes wonder if she ever wants to have sex again.
Meanwhile, I thought that it was over with my mistress but she texted me a few months later – right about the time I was giving up on having sex with my wife. We had breakfast and before you knew it, we were at it again. This time it was noticeably different though. She had a romantic interest in the past, but now this was only about sex. No dinner, no small talk, just screwing. The way my work life is structured this could go on indefinitely and my wife might never find out. It’s not really what I want though. I recently asked my lover why she came back to me. She told me that “I’m the only man she ever met who knows how to touch a woman”. I was floored. It freaked me out because I realized that she was much more emotionally invested in this than she was leading on to. I wonder if she will do something spiteful if I end it. It also made me think about my relationship with my wife. How would we ever make things work sexually, if my love making experiences with two women are such polar opposites? I wanted to go to sex therapy with my wife, but under those circumstances it’s inevitable that I would reveal the infidelity. That would likely lead to divorce. We have two kids which is why this is so difficult. Otherwise I would have probably ended the marriage by now. I’m fairly certain the only kind of love I have for my wife is sibling love, not romantic love. Is there any hope?
Last edited by TomorrowNeverKnows; 02-05-2013 at 06:09 AM.