Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 04:59 AM Thread Starter
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Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Over the 12 year relationship with my wife, our sex life has gone from bad to non-existent. It was never good - even when we were dating. She's very pretty but I've never been sexually attracted to her. When you’re 18 you don’t think such a thing is possible… Our relationship was based on friendship, companionship, and shared interests. She had a fairly active libido when we first met but we’ve never been compatible sexually. She is incredibly sensitive and most anything I do in bed "hurts" her. I'm not into rough sex, just a little dirty talk and some light role playing. With my past partners, I'm used to doing things like a little nibbling, the occasional hair pulling, or playful biting and slapping. With her, all of that stuff was just awkward and not received well at all. She tried a few times to give me oral pleasure but it was never good. So that was totally abandoned as well. Using her own words, she is "too sensitive" for anything but missionary position. We talked about it and worked on it the first year or so, about how we could learn to pleasure each other, but over time, sex just devolved into this horrible routine. Once married, we basically only had sex to procreate. We'd turn on some porn, which I introduced her to but after a while she was requesting every time, then she'd assume the missionary position. I'd caress her for about 15-20 minutes until she was aroused. During that time, I'd almost always get scolded at some point for being too rough and not being sensitive to her needs. Then when she was wet, I'd get myself aroused by looking at the porn, and then we'd screw. She always came before I did, but over the years I taught myself how to cum faster (not something I ever thought I'd have to worry about). Then we clean up the mess and go back to watching regular TV. Frankly, it sucked. Sometimes I dreaded having sex. But then, things actually got worse. She knew the few times we really had good sex was when we climaxed at / near the same time. Because she really wanted to pleasure me, she became so worried about always coming before me, that she started holding back her orgasms. So now, she has a mental block and can't even orgasm anymore even when she wants to. So then her libido went away because she doesn't enjoy sex anymore either. Welcome to the club. I can't even remember the last time we had sex other than failed penetration that left her wincing in pain. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife physically so I’d get limp just seeing her suffer. It was horrible.

At some point I began feeling self doubt. Was I a bad lover? Was I a clutz in bed? I also wonder about why she would insist on watching porn every time we had sex. Is it a crutch for her too or some way to fantasize about things she’s unwilling to talk about? I can be very candid about sex but she’s totally unwilling.

Now the bad part, I eventually reached the point that I couldn’t take it anymore and I started cheating about a year ago. I'm not here to make excuses for what I've done, or say that she drove me to cheating. But I couldn’t go the rest of my life without sex. I can’t call what my wife and I were doing sex. My lover is of course much younger than I am. I’m 41 and she is 26. I lied (by omission) to get her into bed. We had sex in the car repeatedly, and at her place several times before we had the “why don’t you ever take me to your place” conversation. I confessed, she cried and ended it immediately. I never told my wife about it and actually used my rediscovered libido to try to rekindle our sex life. On several occasions, after a date night or a fun evening, I tried to get romantic with her. She was either too tired or when we tried, it was too painful for her. This is when I realized she has no libido left at all. So after about a half dozen attempts, I became frustrated and gave up. I never try to have sex her with anymore and she hasn’t brought it up once in over six months. I sometimes wonder if she ever wants to have sex again.

Meanwhile, I thought that it was over with my mistress but she texted me a few months later – right about the time I was giving up on having sex with my wife. We had breakfast and before you knew it, we were at it again. This time it was noticeably different though. She had a romantic interest in the past, but now this was only about sex. No dinner, no small talk, just screwing. The way my work life is structured this could go on indefinitely and my wife might never find out. It’s not really what I want though. I recently asked my lover why she came back to me. She told me that “I’m the only man she ever met who knows how to touch a woman”. I was floored. It freaked me out because I realized that she was much more emotionally invested in this than she was leading on to. I wonder if she will do something spiteful if I end it. It also made me think about my relationship with my wife. How would we ever make things work sexually, if my love making experiences with two women are such polar opposites? I wanted to go to sex therapy with my wife, but under those circumstances it’s inevitable that I would reveal the infidelity. That would likely lead to divorce. We have two kids which is why this is so difficult. Otherwise I would have probably ended the marriage by now. I’m fairly certain the only kind of love I have for my wife is sibling love, not romantic love. Is there any hope?

Last edited by TomorrowNeverKnows; 02-05-2013 at 05:09 AM.
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post #2 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 05:09 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Infidelity is not OK in a sexless marriage but it seems that you have already answered.

What kind of hope are you looking for? Going back to bad sex when you were 18 years old? Is that the best case scenario?
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post #3 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 05:16 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

My first answer would be: NO! Infidelity is NEVER OK!

If you experience sexual incompatibility, both in libido and/or technique, you should have gone to therapy much earlier, and see the results. But you delayed for too long, and instead of fixing the problem, you created new problem by cheating. That is very unwise and unacceptable.

I think you should get a divorce. It is obvious that if this marriage is not terminated soon, it is bound to bring more pain and guilty feelings, for both of you.

Ending a marriage does not have to be hostile. If you both agree that it isn't working, there are ways to have no-fault divorce, splitting everything equally, giving her the best settlement she can get, and still be good co-parents for your children. It's better for your kids to see you two divorced and remains good friends, rather than still married but being unhappy and dishonest.
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post #4 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 05:44 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I get your dilemma but unless you're honest with your wife it's WRONG.

For me it would be wrong in any case but I'm not faced with this dilemma so I'll not make that judgement.

Tell your wife, be honest and move forward with respect for each other.
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post #5 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:16 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

So I will say the standard of why not get divorced because you really don't have a marrige in the first place and your wife is not willing to work to figure out why she is always hurting or have you tried a DOC.

I am one that says why would a spouse even think you are going to be faithful if there is no sex ? If you can't get a divorce and your spouses refuese to work on things then live life.Your other woman may out you, but that is the chance you are taking.

It seems pretty plain and simple,if you are not having pleasursable sex with you spouse then they might go find somebody who will.

Last edited by dubbizle; 02-05-2013 at 06:38 AM.
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post #6 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:30 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Sounds like you just want to brag or get validation.

The All-Father wove the skein of your life a long time ago. Go and hide in a hole if you wish, but you won't live one instant longer. Your fate is fixed. Fear profits a man nothing.
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post #7 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:33 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

And never attracted to wife sounds like you are in the Fog there.

You are using sex with another to mask the problems in your marriage, and because you never had the guts to face up to your wife on your sexless marriage.

It takes two people to be in a sexless marriage.
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post #8 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:46 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

get a divorce already! thia is no way to live your life. your living a lie and even if you never get caught ( which I think is impossible ) you can't possibly like the life you chose.
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post #9 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:51 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

When you’re 18 you don’t think such a thing is possible…
With my past partners, I'm used to doing things like a little nibbling, the occasional hair pulling, or playful biting and slapping.
These two things confuse me. You met your wife at 18 but had all this experience with "past partners"?

I can totally relate to your frustration as I have lived in a completely non-sexual marriage for a very long time. I'm on the fence with answering your original question but you clearly need to just get divorced.
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post #10 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 06:52 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I agree that you need to do something right now otherwise the affair will come out and devastate your wife. Your options are ending the marriage now or ending the affair and committing yourself completely to your marriage and sex therapy. Never ever tell your wife about the other woman. Being a wife, I would rather not know than experience the heart ache. You both made mistakes.

By the way, your wife needs to tell her doctor about the pain/sensitivity. That needs to be fixed. She is not "just sensitive". Does she exercise? That will help her sensitivity tremendously.
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post #11 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 07:42 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

No. And I say that as someone who cheated on his wife. Do the right thing and either end the cheating or end the marriage. And do it before you get caught.

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post #12 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 08:14 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

Not only is infidelity always wrong but by having an afair and continuing to have sex with your wife you have put her health at risk.

If you are prepared to work at fixing the problems in your marriage then do so, if not then at least be honest about it a seperate.
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post #13 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 08:20 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I think you should get divorced then go find someone who is sexually compatible with you or tell your wife that her alienation of affection and sex has backed you into a corner and you were unfaithful.You never know,she might be relieved you're getting it elsewhere and leaving her alone.
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post #14 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 08:52 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I understand what it is like to need sex but not want to break up your family over it. I would never say it is ok but it is understandable. I think you should continue to try to help your wife as she is missing out as well. I believe you can still go to sex therapy without divulging the affair but that is your call.
You do need to find yourself a "safer" affair partner. She seems too attached to you and being singles and young, she may get wrapped in the fantasy that you will leave your wife. Be careful.
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post #15 of 252 (permalink) Old 02-05-2013, 09:11 AM
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Re: Is infidelity OK in a sexless marriage?

I cannot imagine your dilemma. Sex is important to a marriage. It's such a vulnerability to ask for it and damaging when not a successful transaction. In many different ways.

I think of sex as a form of communication. Its intimate 'conversation' bonds people. That's what makes affairs so hurtful.

Have you and your wife ever discussed affairs? I used to tell my husband I would want to know if he was cheating. Some people don't want to know. Respect how she would want to continue to be treated by you if you want to be invested in your marriage.

Painful sex is also something that can be treated. Has she ever talked with her physician about this? I know there are numbing agents and breathing techniques to help with pain. Sunshine1234 wrote that exercising could help! Time to start a workout routine with together?!?!

I'm going to completely put aside the affair on my next sentence. Your wife wasn't putting your needs or wants for sexual pleasure. You said sex is now gone with your wife and this OW fulfills this desire. You already know this is wrong because you have not told your wife about it. But a sexless marriage is also wrong because you two are not talking about it. The sexless marriage has been rug swept.

Do some soul searching. Start listening to your inner voice. You can either take control of your situation, or allow it to control you.
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