Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-10-2013, 08:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

I recently found out that my wife has secretly been viewing porn while I'm out. I'm yet to actually confirm if it's curiosity or to 'get off', but I assume it's the latter.

She doesn't know that I know.

The bizarre thing about this is that she is viewing really hardcore stuff, and totally not the type of thing I would expect from her. ie: she googles 'forced orgasms', and that brings up results that include all sorts of BDSM and most surprisingly, girl on girl action.

We've always been very open about all sorts of things, including fantasies and porn, but she has never ever shown any inkling of an interest in that type of stuff. In fact, she is quite the opposite - she loves to be in control during sex. She hates being submissive and wouldn't even let me hold her hands down, let alone be tied up.

While I'm not annoyed or sad about this new revelation, I just find it really surprising and wonder how to deal with it, if at all.

There are probably two facets to it:

1) Our sex life isn't amazing right now (frequency wise), and yet she is getting off in private rather than doing it with me, possibly taking that edge off which means less desire/lust/need etc for us to be together or for me to pleasure her. That can't be good.

2) The kinky, fetish, hardcore side of it. As I said we're very open but wow, I had no idea that she would ever watch and certainly not enjoy the type of porn that has women tied up and subjected to all sorts of toys and people pleasuring them.

Does this mean she secretly wants that to happen to her..? The simple answer as an outsider may be yes, but knowing her as I do, I would never have thought so because she is soooo not submissive in the bedroom.

Any thoughts, advice, or opinions would be appreciated! Thanks

PS: This whole situation is quite ironic as I've been on here before fighting for people to be more accepting and understanding of porn! In this case though I don't think it's porn that's a bad thing, it's just that I want an understanding of why she is choosing that type.
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Old 02-10-2013, 08:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

Or, if she is into control, she is getting off on these people being forced because her fantasy is to do that to people herself.

Don't assume she has latent sub fantasies.
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

bravo BrookeT!!!

I just wanted to add that a lot of women find themselves attracted to BDSM because the intense focus is actually on her. She is the passive recipient of the spanking, forced orgasms, being tied down... What ever. The point is she is completely and totally removed from all responsibility as a participant and feels freer to let her body do its thing.

in response to Shaggy's suggestion,
Once you tie her down, you force her to come clean on other secret fantasies involving women or her turn to dominate. Ooooh laaaa Laaaa!

You go tiger!
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

First off I would say don't make any assumptions about her viewing this.

She may just be curious about it. Topics that are outside of our realm of comfort can hold a lot of draw due to being curious about it. Has she read 50 Shades of Grey? This book set has a lot of BDSM, many romance novels have dominant and skilled men, and it may have spiked some curiosity.

She may want to learn more about dominance or submission, it sounds like she would want to dominate but you might be surprised too that she secretly is into submission.

I think it is best to talk about this with her. Bring up the topic gently and go from there.

Last edited by lovemylife; 02-10-2013 at 11:00 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

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Noooooo! I wouldn't mention it at all, that will ruin it! Just go for it, and if she's not into it she'll let him know. Part of what makes it sexy is being dominant without having to ask for it or discuss it.
And if she wants to be the dom and not the submissive? You won't know for sure til you ask.

Maybe watch what she has been and let her walk in on ya, that would be a great way to open up the topic.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

And when it turns out it is your neighbour's kid hooking into your computer via the wireless router to view porn, what then???
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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And when it turns out it is your neighbour's kid hooking into your computer via the wireless router to view porn, what then???
LOL, hadn't thought about that, good point.

So how do you know she is viewing it, history on computer, found videos?
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

This had happened to me a couple of years ago with my wife ...... a topic she would never had brought up but i happened to stumbled upon accidentally.

I did not say anything to her but slowly but surely brought light bondage and a little domination into our foreplay ..... she reacted in a very positive way and was turned on.

One evening when we were both very drunk ( without a children at that time ) I suggested I tie her wrists and ankles up with my dress ties and her eyes lit up .... she was soooo turned on and it was a very sexy evening for us both !!! Unfortunately now with 2 young boys this kind of play ( our 5 year old often hops into bed with us ) is not as easy but if and when we do get to " play " this way ...... it's a very , very interesting evening !!
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

lmao, if you listen to some of these dudes you are going to wind up catching a charge or in the hospital. Like the other poster, I like to watch tons of stuff I would NEVER want to participate in myself. Right now its trannys with "straight" guys. Next week its gonna be something different. Stop snooping on her and get a hobby
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

Ya sometimes people like the fantasy, that doesn't necessarily mean they want to bring it in their own bedroom or engage it in themselves.

Also be careful with that and make sure you're not misinterpreting what she's into. You might offer some BDSM action in the bedroom to spice things up then she whips out that dildo and tells you to bend over and next thing you know you're like
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

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Originally Posted by lovemylife View Post
LOL, hadn't thought about that, good point.

So how do you know she is viewing it, history on computer, found videos?
There was a case in the UK recently where child porn was found on someone's computer. And yes, eventually it was found to have been saved by a neighbour tapping into their wireless router.
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

I like watching lots of things I would never do. I also have watched and not been turned on. It's hard for me to find things that don't turn me off. So if someone sawy viewing history they might assume I'm a total freak but in reality I might have watched the first ten seconds of five videos.
People usually masturbate whether they are in a relationship of not and whether they look at porm or not. I don't know why people think they own all their partners' sexual energy.
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

I watch and read all kinds of things that turn me on that I would never want to do. No one is suggesting he actually whip her or bring in a another woman to their sex play. A little light bondage with a commanding voice is just a spice.

I still say to go for it!
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

It sounds like she is ito being a dom the question here is are you willing to be a sub?
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife secretly views BDSM porn........?!

Are you absolutely sure it is her and not one of the rug rats ? Just sayin.
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