ACPO Obrien

Me and my wife have been together for four years, I am 25 and she is 23. We recently celebrated our four year anniversary. I love my wife completely and could not do without her. We are basically a storybook couple, we fought all odds to be together. I was a Marine when we met and she was the daughter of one of the highest ranking elders in her society/culture (she is asian), vinegar and oil from the start. However, we loved each other deeply and fought for what we wanted up to losing my family and almost losing hers. Thankfully her family has seen that we are good for each other and that their ideas of me were wrong, mine not so much.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, mainly due to cultural issues but we have overcome every obstacle together and it's only made us stronger. Recently, I've encountered a problem I can't overcome without her help and I don't know what to do. I can't perform or rather I can't finish during sex because I'm so unattracted to my wife's body. My wife is almost 200lbs, that's 90lbs more than she was when we first met four years ago. The weight isn't due to having children, or any medical reason, it's from eating too much, exercising to little and a sprinkle of stress from family and work here and there. It started two years ago and has climaxed recently. I'm very loving and caring, at first I didn't say anything because of the issues I knew we were both facing. But once the stress in our life went away the reason for her not losing weight came down to her not exercising and not eating right. I've tried helping her, I've bought dvd's, exercise equipment, diet plans and even try working out with her to no avail. When she was skinny we worked out together a lot. I've even described my problems to her and she understands what's going on but she still doesn't try to lose the weight.

Since my problems started 6 months ago she's exercised twice, and gave up half way through both times. I've begged, pleaded and on occasion talked down to her (as a last resort and I'm not proud of it) and nothing works. She says things like I'm pressuring her and that she never had to exercise before to lose the weight so why should she now. I don't know what to do? I feel bad some days because the only way I can perform is to close my eyes and in-vision her the way she was. Ever since I asked her to exercise I've started exercising every day hoping it was something we could do together but she makes excuses. Any idea's or suggestions would greatly be appreciated. I'm at my wits end. Thank you in advance.

amberlynn

Okay first off, youre messing up by buggin your wife by the way she looks. It shouldnt matter what your wife looks like, people are gonna change over the years, you should love her no matter what she looks like. I think your an ass for havin to close your eyes and picture her differently. If shes confortable the way she looks then leave her alone..let her decide if she wants to lose it or not, dont keep pressuren her to do somethin shes not ready to do, or doesnt want to do, just leave her alone, otherwise you might end up losen her.

MMA_FIGHTER

if you are so set on having her weight being dropped. first question is, are you still in the MC..if so, you might be in luck cause i know that Tri-care will pay for a lapband surgery. my wife will be getting it soon. also, get her to do things with you. most women will not workout in public or really just infront of other people at all if they feel they are too big. cause society has labeled every one that if you are fat, you are ugly, and thats BS. also, you might want to try and see if you can ween her off certain things, say maybe soda, or what ever her diet is...maybe not totally off but not as much. when i dropped 93 pounds to get in the military i still ate what i wanted, just not alot.....

kozzy

Surely you jest. Looks DO matter. He may be going about this all wrong and not taking her feelings into account sometimes (which he openly admits), but she's clearly not taking his feelings into account either. If a wife or husband doesn't care about themselves, why would they expect their spouse to. Yes, people change, we all do. And when most of us meet the love of our life, we gain some weight because we've finally become truly comfortable with someone. That's expected. But that's not what he's describing. 110 lbs to 200 lbs in four years? The only spouse who wouldn't take that as a slap in the face are the ones who don't really care.

Sorry Marine, I don't have any advice for you, just want you to know you're not wrong for caring.

GPR

I would agree with this. People change over time, I agree, but this type of a drastic change would be hard for me too. In a matter of a few years, your wife would be nothing like she used to be.

And I am willing to bet that the looks are the reminder, but it's not all that's wrong. Someone that just up and gains that much weight in that short of a period of time, probably has shown issues in other parts of the relationship. She is probably not as active as she was. She might not work as much or do as much around the house. Her energy overall has probably declined. She might be self conscience and not want to do things they used to.

Basically, that's a significant gain in a short period of time. There are probably a LOT of things this effects other than just his physical attraction, and there might be a LOT of other issues that might have contributed to the weight gain that also strain the relationship.

I don't know if you are going about it the right way, but to say that it shouldn't be an issue at all is a little short-sighted IMHO>

revitalizedhusband

Sorry, but I love my wife with all my heart, but when it comes to the sex department, I would have the same issues this man is having if my wife was that big (200 lbs).

My wife has, understandably, put on some weight over the 9.5 years. She has had 3 kids, and 5 abdominal surgeries (3 C-sections, gall bladder removal, tubal ligation). She now is about 35-40 lbs heavier than she was when we got married. However, in her current state I find her just as "hot" as ever. However, if she put on another 40-50 lbs and got up to 200+, I really thinK I would have an "attractiveness" issue when it comes to the bedroom.

Who knows, she has never been that big, maybe my love would overpower my eyesight and I'd still be attracted to her sexually.

My wife and I are both working on ourselves health wise, I have lost 20lbs this year, she has lost 15.

As for the OP, I have no idea other than tell her how you are feeling sexually. You are doing some of the right things like working out yourself first, etc.

Hey, at least you are not closing your eyes and thinking of someone else, you are just picturing her from when you first got married.

amberlynn

Okay... This post really bugs me, Im a big person.. big boned rather, but still, some people cant help their weight.. some people cant help how they loook, and im sorry, but looks DONT matter, what counts is on the inside, and I know from experience, the more you down someone about their weight, the more theyre gonna eat and not wanna exercise. You should love your wife they way she is and just support her.. I think its dumb to down talk people about their size.

GPR

What you need to realize is that it isn't just about size, end of story. It's about the drastic change she has gone through. That much change that fast, of any type, weight or otherwise, WILL effect a relationship.

With weight, it becomes a hot button. But just as some people are attracted to tall or short, blond or brunette, outgoing or shy, etc. etc. etc. If you married one and then suddenly have another, it will effect your relationship.

I don't find tall woman attractive. It's not a knock on them, I just don't. My wife is 5'3". If after just a few years, she was 6'7" tall, that would be a problem, and I'm guessing it would effect how attracted I was to her....

And this may sound shallow as well... but all people change over time. It happens, and I'm fine with that. I'm heavier than when my wife and I first met. I was a lot heavier, but lost 45 pounds. My wife even got heavier. But nothing this drastic. She may have an actual problem of some type, but it almost sounds as if this drastic of a change is a "I'm married, I don't give a crap anymore" kind of attitude. And I don't find that attractive at all.

Blonddeee

You need to be supportive of her regardless- it can't be healthy to gain 90lbs in 4 years, but there's probably a reason for it. Some people gain weight when they are sad, happy, comfortable... I gained some weight after my ex did all the dumb things he did during our marriage because I was unhappy, but now that I'm happy I've lost most of what I gained... so that's how I work, but you need to support her the way she is now- she will be sad and depressed if you are always bugging her about her weight even if you are trying to be helpful... she feels unwanted by you sexually and that doesn't give her any motivation to get back in shape. Do your best to make her feel good about herself and sexy and she will probably want to get back in shape for herself... she can't do it for you... she has to want it.

kozzy

Attractiveness is not unconditional. You can claim you're 100% attracted to your spouse all the time because you have a piece of paper that says "better or worse" on it, and that may make you feel good about yourself, but is it really true? Suppose this person stopped taking bathes? Should he still support her in her filth? What if she started smoking crack and her teeth fell out? At what point is it okay to admit he's finding his wife less attractive without being labeled shallow? Again we're not talking about someone who's big boned, or tall, or struggling with some weight gain, we're talking about someone who's doubled in size in 4 years, presumeably because she just doesn't care. Whatever your spouse weighs today, imagine him/her double their weight. That would have no effect on your view of them?

revitalizedhusband

I'm sorry amberlynn, but to a majority of guys, looks DO matter. You, as a woman can try to state that they don't, but that's not a fact.

Now, its one thing if you married someone who was overweight and then later complained, no doubt about that. However, when someone gains 75+ lbs in 2 years and no kids, major surgeries, or major medical problems are the reason, I'm sorry, but there is a legitimate concern there.

Do some people have legitimate medical issues that make it very hard for them to lose weight? Absolutely.

Do most people who claim these issues actually have these issues? No, they are using them as an excuse.

You are talking to someone who isn't the smallest person in the world, I am a 5'8" guy that weighs 185 lbs, BMI says I'm overweight.

I will tell you this though, there is no such thing as "big boned", within medical reason (aka things like osteoporosis, etc) people who are of the same gender and same height have about the same size bones.

I'm not singling you out at all, I know nothing about your medical history, as there are people out there with legitimate thryoid issues that have to work 10x as hard as the rest of us normal people to lose weight.

However, about 95% of overweight people do not have these issues, some just use them as cop-outs/excuses.

If "big boned" was a real thing, them somehow America got a much higher % of the "big bone gene" than the rest of the world..its either that or we just eat too much fast food.

You "bones" are no bigger than any other woman your height, just like mine aren't any bigger than a guy my height that weights the "prototypical" 160 lbs (according to BMI for my height).

At the beginning of this year I was at 205 lbs for a 5'8" male, and have since dropped 20 lbs, I'm looking to drop another 10-15 and stop there at 170-175.

I just got off my couch, started working out, and ate a little better (still don't eat great).

Mommybean

I can understand where the OP is coming from. He is not saying he is not in LOVE with her, he's saying that the weight she has put on has made it difficult for him to have sex with her. I get that. If my H's weight doubled in that amount of time, I do NOT know that I would be able to enjoy having sex with him. I love him for what's inside but I ALSO love the wrapping that comes with it. If that makes me shallow, so be it.
If she is from another country originally, her diet since she has been in the states may have DRASTICALLY changed, and where she never had to exercise before, she will likely need to in order to lose it. I never had to exercise in my early years, but 2 kids later...there are about 15 pounds I would like to finish losing...and I cannot do that without exercise....which, once you start doing it, is actually fun.
Badgering her about it though, will become nothing but a power struggle, and drive them farther apart. If she is unwilling to exercise, is she willing to modify her diet? I'm betting she feels overwhelmed by the prospect of even begginning the process, and im betting she does not feel very sexy herself now.

DownButNotOut

Definitely not normal weight gain.

In fact, I'd have a very hard time believing it was only due to eating and lack of exercise.

But, OP, in trying to help, you are being a bit too forceful. "You're too big now, I can't have sex with you" is entirely the wrong approach. It makes her feel pressured, and guilty, and un-sexy, and every other bad thing that she can. If there was any way to make the problem worse, I think you've found it.

Here's the thing, IMHO. If there is a sex problem the problem is yours, not hers.

BUT...gaining 90lbs so quickly is a health problem for her. When has she last been to her gyno? Have medical reasons been ruled out? Mental illness ruled out (e.g. eating to cope with depression)? Other eating disorders ruled out? You say no medical problems, but has that been confirmed with her doctors? Or just because she hasn't "been sick"?

She could be feeling awful about herself, and overwhelmed. She could be scared about the weight change. She could feel like she doesn't know how to even start. She could really not see it as a problem.

But I would worry more about her general health and wellbeing, and approach it from that angle. Than to worry about the sex.

Blonddeee

Physical attraction is important, but theres a certain way to approach it... if you tell someone they are fat, chances are that won't give them a great boost of energy to go work out. It does sound like you have tried to be very gentle about the subject. There could be a medical reason or even if there's not a medical reason- if she goes to her doctor and tells them that she's gained 90lbs in 4 years... they are going to try and help her lose it and make sure there isn't any other issues going on. I doubt she likes the fact she's gained so much weight... so you just have to figure out the best way to help her

Sandy55

I can't feel sexy when I am overweight. I don't think my dh is sexy when he is overweight. Overweight turns me off, because it isn't healthy.

I am rather into health. I don't want some fat guy trying to have sex with me, sweating and out of breath. Men's penises tend to seem smaller when a man gets a big belly, is that just my imagination or is it like trying to compare the moon to Jupiter rather than Earth?

I am with the Marine.

If MY dh gained 90 pounds I'd have a hard time desiring him, no matter how nice he was "inside".

Maybe she is a turn off because she doesn't care about herself? I tend to think excessively overweight persons don't care about their own selves, the fat proves that, that is sad to me.