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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-11-2013, 01:54 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

Are situations are very similar OP.

I have been accused of me wanting her to be my sex slave and not happy unless she has her legs open 24/7. Among other derogatory comments.

This is known as shaming your needs. Feels terrible. After awhile you may start to think that there is something wrong with you and you may wonder if you are treating your wife badly because of how she says she feels.(?)

When she says "welcome to married life". What she means is "welcome to married life with me". When she says "married couples don't do that" she means "anyone married to me will not be receiving or giving that sexual act." There are in fact a lot of happily married couples engaging in good frequency and variety. Maybe what she is trying to tell you is that all married men are miserable with their sex lives. Perhaps ask her if thats what she means.

I will submit that she has never had her legs open 24/7. In that case her nickname should be 7/11 and it's not. If she wishes to know how you feel she should ask rather than project how she thinks you feel and in the same breath shaming you. I would suggest in a calm manner ask her for some respect. That if she wishes to know how you feel you are asking her to ask you rather than assume, because sex slaves dress and behave differently than she does....

In your case as in mine divorce and or separation has to be an answer for your difficulties. Where will you be if you find out from her that she is not attracted to you? What choice will you have if you wish to live your life with a partner who is interested in you sexually?

My wife and I are at that cross roads due to my severe destabilizing of our marriage. I cannot go back and live the way I was with her. It is not healthy for me at all. And it's really nice to be able to let go of that resentment and anger. Although it still creeps in now and again it is getting a lot easier.
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:20 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

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Originally Posted by hawx20 View Post
sex twice a week was considered having a sex slave.
It's not, and she knows it. She's just trying to control you so that you don't contemplate leaving. BTW it's very telling that she was sabotaging your efforts to lose weight and improve yourself.

Essentially, she's complacent. She knows that if you walk, the chances of finding someone to accept her as she is now are nil. It might do you well to remind her of that the next time she accuses you of being a pervert or sex crazed.
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:34 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

I am where you're at. I know you know better. But this sex on the trip was simply to placate you. This will not be your new way of life. Quite the contrary.

I am where you are. Married 7 years. Pretty much same boat...even with the BJ's....

I will not leave my children either. Just be prepared though. You're a human being. Women are going to present very low hanging fruit and your guard will be tested.

I also dislike having to be somebody I am not. I say you need the resentment. You need the anger. I liken it to forest fires. They are destructive and negative. The are all consuming. But they are absolutely necessary in some cases. Clearing the way for rich fertile vegetation to regrow in its wake.

Let your fire burn. Its not the typical answer..but I think this is what I want to do. Just so far Im too chicken to go full fledged on it.

Good luck and stay strong.
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Old 03-11-2013, 02:49 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

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Originally Posted by hawx20 View Post
You speak the truth. I sucked it up this morning and hugged her lovingly this morning even though inside i was pissed. I want to try to have a fun weekend this morning and I can knowing that I have a plan in place.

My wife is the type of woman who gets upset if shes relaxing alone and i come upstairs to give her attention, kisses, hugs, whatever. She'll say i just want to relax and leave her alone. Then when i go do whatever and not pay attention to her, she'll come to me saying shes lonely.... its like shes a damn schizo..

Love on her and give her attention and she says i'm smothering. Ignore her and she complains shes lonely or i'm always in my gameroom....so yes, she does crave desire and attention, but on her terms.
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:02 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

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No, she doesn't think that at all. She's guilt-tripping you.

Same thing with "welcome to married life". That's making you out to be perverted or crazy for wanting... sex with your spouse.

These tactics are manipulative and cruel. You need to recognize how dirty she is fighting. She doesn't need to have this explained to her. She knows better than anyone else exactly how underhanded she is being. But it works for her, so that's why she does it.

See how accusing you of wanting a sex slave puts you on the defensive and has you begging her to understand that isn't true?

So you take action instead of begging. It helps to let them know you see through all of their wretched manipulative behavior, and that it won't be tolerated.

"You want a sex slave."

Answer: "No...most married couples who have a normal and good relationship have sex about twice a week. A person who LOVES their spouse is willing to make the occasional sacrifice even if they aren't 'in the mood'. Do you think I'm 'in the mood' to do 3 loads of laundry a day? Do you think I'm 'in the mood' to see your mother? No. It's part of the sacrifices one makes when you are married." Pause "WELCOME TO MARRIED LIFE."
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:26 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Default Re: No win situation....

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"You want a sex slave."

Answer: "No...most married couples who have a normal and good relationship have sex about twice a week. A person who LOVES their spouse is willing to make the occasional sacrifice even if they aren't 'in the mood'. Do you think I'm 'in the mood' to do 3 loads of laundry a day? Do you think I'm 'in the mood' to see your mother? No. It's part of the sacrifices one makes when you are married." Pause "WELCOME TO MARRIED LIFE."
Good point here. I prefer to use the word "contribution" rather than sacrifice. As in "It's part of the the contribution one makes to show that you value the marriage and the needs of others"
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