Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hello there, Im new here. Im a wife to a great guy except in one area... sexuality/intimacy. I am having trouble seeing if its a control issue or a low libido issue. He is 35 years old and has been sexually active since 15, and is very adventurous in bed but only will go there when he wants it. In all 3 years he has said yes to when I wanted it 2 times. With every no came "Im tired", "Im not in the mood", "you know I dont like to at night" (which really means he doesnt like it at night when he doesnt like it at night... he has advanced on me at night), "we just did it last night/yesterday, the other day" (which were times HE wanted it). He even turns his head away when I want to kiss, or has physically put his hand up to keep me away. For a little while it made me feel unattractive in his eyes and wondered why he was still with me, but I am attractive, and I have many positive traits he fell in love with on top of that.. We have been going to therapy for 2 months now and each week his assignment is to say yes to me, and he said yes to me once. I feel like he is un willing to love me in the love "language" which is mine, citing all the other things he does for me (which are really things he would do for a home anyway, not for me specifically. We are very "happy" (meaning not bickering about this, and to him that is happy) when I dont try to approach him at all, and it is all left up to him. I must point out that we didnt bicker about this for the first year and a half, I used to turn over in bed, cry privately, walk away. I prayed about this and the only answer got doesnt make sense to me... it was to say no to him for as many times as he says no to me. That doesnt feel right to me, I am his wife and want to give to him when he wants things. Is this to equal the playing field so that he can understand how it feels to not get what he wants when he wants it?
Everyday I feel like he is a big bag of candy to a kid who loves candy... I can look but cant touch. Like its a prolonged teasing... he is right there, he is my husband and I cannot touch him. He is not gay just in case that gets asked... he loves sex with me, but when he wants to.
I dont know where else to turn, please any advice.
To me, it sounds like a control issue. He wants you, but only on HIS terms. Does he have control issues anywhere else in your relationship? Or, does he work in a profession where he is constantly getting told what to do?
Oh boy. He works as a manager, where he calls all the shots. Let me think if it applies elsewhere in the realtionship and get back to you, gotta go take my kids to camp.
Ok, Im back now. I thought about this when I was driving my kids (from previous mariage) to camp. Yes, in order for us to be together, I needed to move from MD to VA. He said he would not live in MD. The thing is, my kids go to school up there, and their friends are all up there, and I was a stay at home mom for 9 years there. We found a place that seemed within reason for me to drive the kids to school etc, but now there is major construction on 495 for "Hot Lanes" and what was a 15-20 minutes drive each way is now 30-60 minutes each way. I guess I didnt think of that as controlling before b/c his job is a far drive from MD, and thought we could find something that worked for both of us. But you are making me see some things here... like the fact that he said we both made sacrifices to be together... he is closer to work, has a house with a yard for his dog to run in and has not had to modify his schedule at all except to accomodate his shorter commute time.
He now argues with me if I approach him for sex to the point that I end up leaving the room to sleep elsewhere to avoid him from yelling and involving my kids ( I dont want them to hear us). He seems to pout like a 5 year old, whimpering saying "noooo" and leave me alone. He says Im not doing my part of therapy when I try to remind him he is supposed to say yes to me. So to me it feels like he is conveying its ok to not do this b/c if you point it out that Im not doing my part, you arent doing your part. Then he gets his way b/c we dont have sex, or kiss or anything and he gets to go to sleep, and I get to stay awake feeling like I am married to someone who doesnt want to provide for my needs as I do for him...
This is very upsetting. Thanks for your insights. I need to process all that is becoming clear to me right now.
Out of curiosity, what is the part of therapy that he says you aren't doing?
I wouldn't say 'control' quite yet. It could in part be control, it could in part be libido. It could be block-headed cluelessness. Narcissism. Depression. Any number of things.
Was he on board with starting therapy? Did he do it because you asked? Is he cooperative in the sessions?
How often does he want it? I get the impression that when he does, you enjoy it, that he's good? Once he starts, do you ever become the 'aggressor'? Meaning does he let you lead, pace, pick position?
I know...a lot of questions. Sorry. But it might be deeper than 'control' or 'libido'.
I never understand it when I see guys that are like this. I've been sexually active since I was 15 and and almost 35. I have a crazy libido and want sex constantly. I love my wife but there are times when I think I got robbed being so mis-matched sexually. When I hear of stories like this it makes me think there is something wrong physically with the guy. Has he been checked out and goes for regular exams? Maybe he should get his hormone levels checked out. I don't mean to be rude but could it be an attraction issue? Is there any reason to think he just isn't that attracted to you physically?
My wife and I are in almost the reverse situation. 95% of the time when I want sex and try to initiate it, it's a big no. (she's too tired, don't want to at night, stop pressuring me, etc, etc). Pretty much the only time we have sex is when she initiates it. It goes in waves where I'll be crazy horny and will feel like I'm pestering the heck out of her to no avail. Then I'll just close down for a while and will stop being affectionate in any way. Still being incredibly kind, talk to her, helpful with the kids, but I stop with the back rubs, kisses, any advances at all. And I'll just stop "bothering her" until she decides she wants it. I take care of myself every day at least once but it does not replace sex. I think it's so unfair that she gets to decide 100% of the time how often we have sex regardless of what I might want. I should add that we are very happy to in pretty much every other area in our relationship. Unfortunately this feels like a very important area (at least for me) at this time in our lives that I don't get to enjoy like I want to.
So I know how you feel... It sounds really strange to me unless there is an underlying physiological issue.
Down but not out,
We both initiated therapy. For me it was bc of this not considering me, for him it was bc when he turns me down I now get upset and ask him how its fair that he gets to say no when I initiate but I am to say yes when he does, he wants me to just let it go and not say anything about it. I dont stay silent anymore and let it go like I used to bc it has been going on for a long time and I feel that if we are to be a partnership both of us need to be able to say yes and no. He then escalates it to a fight level and says things that he later regrets and then apologizes for. He can then write off the entire scene as an irritation, but to me it stays bc I am the one left feeling unrespected and unconsidered... and while he got to go to sleep without sex which was his goal, I am stil left empty handed.
He is cooperative in the sessions for the most part, and then says he will say yes to me as his assignment from the therapist. Last week he said it is outside of his personality to think of others needs bc he has been single for so long and doing his own thing, but he would try. The therapist said dont try, do.
For a long time I thought it was an attraction issue, but he swears he is attracted to me. I am a very fit woman, attractive features, long brown hair, hazel eyes. When I go out I sometimes get carded and I am 38 years old! He says I have the perfect @$$, but he fell in love with my kindness and forgiving nature... well it hasnt been so forgiving lately as I want us to be more equal.
He said in therapy when asked his ideal number of times per week... 2 times per week. He is also physically active at the gym 4 times a week. Looking at us you could easily think we are so in shape and attractive that we do it all the time. I have asked him to get his testosterone checked but he will not. He says he is fine. The only physical thing that could affect his libido is he has smoked for 18 years. Given that though, he gets great general health reports every year.
When he initiates, he leads, and sometimes will let me go for an O, but he gets irritated if I try to control the pace and draw it out past 15-20 minutes. Sometimes when he is done he will simply get up and wipe himself off and climb back into bed and go to sleep... without even checking if I want something.
Sex used to be fantastic... changing positions, really connecting etc... now its like quick and get it over with. Sometimes I feel like he is the "woman" in the relationship and I am the "man" in terms of our sexuality. Its humiliating to be an attractive woman and be turned down by my own husband 99.9% of the time. Maybe humiliating isnt the right word, degrading, minimizing? Im not sure, it doesnt feel right though. SO many women I know just do it when their husbands want to bc they know he wants to, and to not would cause problems. I do that with him too now as my drive and desire to initiate has been sacked. I am terrified to initiate... and that is one of my assignments in therapy. But each time I have initiated with the exception of 1 time, he has still turned me down... or stopped the foreplay bc it was going too long (like 20 minutes). I am finding I need more time to warm up to it now bc of this being at such a crisis point.
Hope that answers your questions. Let me know if it didnt or you need more. Thanks for your help.
When I was talking to the therapist, I said that we have a really good relationship if we take this sex out. We both made choices to be with each other. Even though it is a bit more difficult for me to live with my choices (bc of the commuting issue I mentioned) I still made that choice so we could be together.
It seems we have similar issues but in reverse. How long have you been married like that? I am in a place in life where I may not stay if it doesnt improve. Why do all that commuting to be with him if we dont have something worth doing all that for? Life is too short to be arguing like this... in the time he takes to argue his way out of sex, we could have done it and been sound asleep. Anyway, peace to you.
Thanks Choose. Believe me, I know what you are going through. Although, I only get 'yes' from my wife once every 2-3 months on average. (For the past 10 years at least) And not once can I remember her ever trying to initiate in our entire relationship.
Twice a week sounds almost like Nirvanna to me at this point. I think I'm at the same place you are, but the only thing keeping me in the game are my kids.
Another question...in other areas of your relationship does he show empathy? Does he try to figure out what you would like, and provide it? I know that during therapy he said he is bad at that, but what is your opinion of it? (again...in areas other than sex)
One more off the wall question. What kind of relationship did his parents have, do you know? Were they loving toward each other? Hugs, kisses, and such during the day?
I hope you don't mind the questioning. I'm trying to apply guy-mode and get inside his head.
I appreciate the questions as it is helping me clarify as well. I fear we are headed to a scenario like yours with less frequency that we have now based on his low level of desire in the beginning stages when all the hormones are supposed to have you romping all the time. We had one night of that... early on in our relationship and I have been waiting patiently and asking for a replay.
Outside of sex, he has very recently begun to try to think of me. I guess he didnt realize he wasnt thinking of me. The other night when his friend called to see if he could stay with us he said yes automatically and then said wait, let me ask my wife. That was the first time I can remember him doing something like that. I cant say I am blameless as I used to try to suggest places to eat for dinner and get ousted by his desire for another kind of food... our therapist said dont let him do that... say how about we go there next time, I would really like chinese tonight! SO, he is used to getting his way in all areas of his life, and Im the only person that has stood up to him.
He grew up in a home where his mom did not show affection... she still doesnt. I have to go hug her. She seems uncomfortable with hugs. One of his sisters is also cold, and the other went the other way and loves to hug, alot. My mom did not show much (but still way more than his mom) affection either and I went the other way... I want lots of it. His father is very affectionate and playful... to a deaf ear in his wife.
My husband grew up always getting his way... I do not know the reasoning behind it. No wonder he thinks he can do anything without someone stopping or confronting him on it! To this day, his parents dont ask him to read a passage in Sunday school class, when everyone else takes a turn reading... I dont get it. I want to say something to his dad... make him read, everyone else does, why do you let him get away with that!
You are helping me clarify things even further with your thoughtful questions... helping me see reasons for this mismatch in intimacy expression. We love to do things together, as long as we dont get near a bed at this point... or see a romantic couple or movie... its painful for me to see that kind of intimate expression as I long to have that again with him. The other night after watching a sexual movie (unbeknownst to me... I thought it was going to be slapstick comedy... Good Luck Chuck), he said he knew I was going to have a hard time with that and was there anything he could do... I was speechless and then let him know. But then, the big NO came after that and after that...
I guess he is trying a little, but for a while I feel like it needs to be all or nothing so I can trust that he really is into this commitment. Or he needs to stop saying he is going to try at all... this trying is simply keeping us the same as we always have been in terms of frequency and duration... he has not allowed that to change. Anyway, I have a timeframe in my mind and if it doesnt improve, I am going to simply say no to him. I went 12 years with a man who was impotent and know how to go long periods without sex, he on ther other hand has never gone more than a few months.
His best friend who knows nothing other than what he observes... but he is a good observer, said to me that I should say no for at leats a month if not longer and take the reigns away from him so that we can have a good relationship! I was shocked... this coming from HIS best friend!
It seems we have similar issues but in reverse. How long have you been married like that? I am in a place in life where I may not stay if it doesnt improve. Why do all that commuting to be with him if we dont have something worth doing all that for? Life is too short to be arguing like this... in the time he takes to argue his way out of sex, we could have done it and been sound asleep. Anyway, peace to you.
Choose2Love - Yes, it's strange to see what you're saying because I could have written a lot of these things myself! It makes me feel like I'm not crazy or totally over-sexed to hear others say what I'm feeling. We've been married for 9 years and our sex life has never been 100% satisfactory to me at the beginning it was MUCH better. 2-3 times a week. More oral, a little more adventurous, etc. It's been on a decline over the last 9 years but it probably got really bad a few years ago after our daughter (2nd child) was born. We're in are mid-30s. There have been a few great weeks here and there where we'll have sex 3 whole times. But most of the time we'll go a week or more without sex . I'd be fine with 3 times, very happy in fact but in all honesty if it were up to me it would be almost everyday and more then once a day sometimes. I try and try to do things to help her out. I take care of a lot of the kids' needs as soon as I get home (make everyone dinner, tidy up, give baths) so she gets a break. But it doesn't seem to matter, no matter how much I do it doesn't change her desire for sex. She either wants it or not and after this long it's pretty clear it almost doesn't matter what I do (or not) for her.
I agree with you on the arguing thing. I mean we've stopped arguing about it most of the time because I've just stopped putting pressure on her and once she says no I don't push. Because it never helps and only precipitates into an argument. But when we do argue I think the same thing - why spend all that energy and time arguing? We could have done our thing and been cuddling, hanging out or whatever but enjoying ourselves instead of arguing. For that matter I just have a hell of a time understanding what's the big deal about spending 5-10 minutes having sex or doing something else to satisfy a very strong need to make me happy and improve our relationship? It upsets me because I really try to make her happy in every way I can think of and I can't imaging denying her something she wanted that I knew was upsetting her and our relationship. If the situation was reversed I would give her what she wanted even if I wasn't all that into it. And I can say that with a straight face because there are a lot of things I do everyday that I don't want to do but I know it makes her happy and it's important for our relationship.
As unhappy as I am with that part I couldn't imagine leaving. I love her so much and love our kids more then anything and I want to be with them every day. The other parts of our relationship are great for the most part. In all honesty though I worry about my ability to stay faithful sometimes. I've never sought out anything but I worry that if an opportunity was ever in front of me to be with a woman I just wouldn't have the will to turn it down if that makes sense. I feel simultaneously horrible yet justified when I have thoughts like that. Like I can understand why people have affairs. It's not right, it's horrible but I can understand it.
Just one other thing I was going to add, why the heck won't he get his testosterone checked out?? That's a bunch of BS. It's a blood test and not a big deal. If he's getting regular checkups he can ask his doctor to have them do a testosterone check at the same time as his other blood work. And without checking he can't possibly know if he has a hormonal imbalance. And I think smoking does have an effect on blood flow to the penis so that could affect one's sex drive. Does it even matter? If he won't bother to get a simple blood test it's doubtful he'll quit smoking right...
DownButNotOut - Once every 2-3 months?? That just seems crazy, cruel and unusual. I know how I feel right now and if we got to that point I don't even know what my state of mind would be. Good luck, bro. Hope things improve for you.
My H and I have sex issues. not quite like yours, but kind of. If i initiate, my H tries to be interested, but cant get it up. and he only initiates about once every two weeks. ive been told it may be performance anxiety or something.
i used to try and 'fix' my H all the time. but i dont care what his problem is. its HIS problem. if he doesnt want to fix it, then, i guess that's it. but im not going to get in a habit of always trying to change him or figure out what's going on in his head. i used to do that. but now i tend to just focus on what i can do to fix my problem- sexual frustration. trying to change my H is just the process of going insane.
so even though i only 'get some' once a week or so, im so much more mellow then i was a year ago when i was trying to figure out him out.
Thanks for sharing your experience with your husband. Im currently on my honeymoon and even though we have consumated the trip, the few times I initiated he either tried to delay it by suggesting going to the bar first (knowing we would get caught up there with people we had met and we had just come from another bar), and then the other morning literally putting his hands up and "protecting" himself! Im like whatever now. It is his problem and it has killed my desire to try anymore with him. He is a great guy otherwise.
Im not where you are in terms of not trying anymore, but Im also not a basket case about it anymore. I go back and forth thinking I could begin lifting weights again and tone up my already slendor body to make myself "irresistable" but it wouldnt do anything. Then, I think about having another baby so my focus is elsewhere (bc thats what I do... stay at home mom, but other kids are a little older now 5 and 8 and THEY really want 1 or 2 more!). I really miss the baby stage, and Im not getting any younger at 38+... would love one more before I cant anymore.
Anyway, glad you found your way to peace about a difficult situation.
It does does sound to me as though there are control issues.
You indicated your husband is the 'boss' in his work and grew up 'getting his way', he is likely used to it. The fact he doesnt wish for you to be the aggressor or tries to control the action is also a sign of this.
I think its possible also that part of the issue with frequency may have to do with his appetite. It may be lesser then yours, and being a controlling person, his actions are self motivated, without regard for your desires, which is very common among those with the lower appetite in a relation. They often see no need to compromise. Theyre content. There is no need. (for them)
At the very least it would seem your husband is very selfish.
As Blanca said, you can try to 'fix' him but that will likely lead only to more problems. He must come to his own conclusions and learn to see how his actions affect you. Going to therapy is likely a good idea. Give it some time. Be the best wife you can be. Its very difficult but concentrate on your part even though he doesnt live up to his. Perhaps something there will eventually jog his brain. I wish you the very best. It's horrible to be ignored sexually and have ones needs not be recognized. Youre not alone obviously.
Needs not being respected... 
Sorry. But it might be deeper than 'control' or 'libido'.
. I'd be fine with 3 times, very happy in fact but in all honesty if it were up to me it would be almost everyday and more then once a day sometimes. I try and try to do things to help her out. I take care of a lot of the kids' needs as soon as I get home (make everyone dinner, tidy up, give baths) so she gets a break. But it doesn't seem to matter, no matter how much I do it doesn't change her desire for sex. She either wants it or not and after this long it's pretty clear it almost doesn't matter what I do (or not) for her. 
