Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years. The beginning of our relationship was great - though there were clues that he had problems at the beginning, but I was so in love, that I didn't consider it. We now have 2 children that are old enough so that we can "focus" on each other again. The problem: he can't seem to keep an erection when we have sex - maybe 10% of the time he can. I have given up because this has gone on for so long, during our 12 year relationship. He has been completely checked out physically/medically and nothing was found to be wrong, so obviously it is a an emotional/mental issue and he tells me it is so. In the past 6 years, we have had maybe a 3 month period where the sex was good, because he had changed jobs and had no stress. I know it is related to stress, but that realization doesn't seem to help. I'm at the end of my patience! I miss passion and I like sex. Its been 12 years of mediocre sex, where half the time, I feel like its my fault. I worry that I'm the reason he can't stay aroused. My self-esteem is shattered! I like to feel sexy and desirable; I have never cheated since we met and he tells me that he hasn't either, but what if he has and that's the reason he can't keep an erection? I'm doubting everything about us, lately. And for the first time lately, I'm tempted to look elsewhere, though, I know in reality, I never would.
I love my husband and I want to stay in this marriage, but sex is an important part of marriage that I feel like I can't live without for the next 30 years!
I actually gave him an ultimatum this past weekend that we would not have"sex" (if you can call it that) until he gets help from a sex therapist. He has an appointment in 2 days, I can't believe it!
Can anyone else give me advice on what to do in this situation? Beyond sex therapy? I feel like I've tried everything, as far as sexual experiementation and it doesn't work... I just want a complete sexual encounter without the guilt. I don't feel like I'm asking for too, much. Not earth-shattering sex, just start to finish...
Well, handing him an ultimatum will take the pressure off!
Sorry, I know it is really frustrating and I totally understand, trust me.
First, you MUST stop blaming yourself flowermaid.
Second, you need to calculate what percentage of your marriage is sex. That makes it seem less catastrophic.
Third, you two need to communicate how to "have sex" without penetration from HIS penis, since obviously his smaller brain is not cooperating.
Trust me, he isn't happy about it either and the MORE pressure he feels, the less likely things will get better. It kind of puts you in a catch 22 situation, and it sucks big time, I know.
There ARE other things to do that can make sex good, you just need to be creative. I know it is nice to have a nice, hard penis from dh ALL the time, but when it isn't working you have to use substitutes.
You are not the only woman in the world this is happening to. I think of it this way: would you rather it be YOU in YOUR dh's position? Try to put yourself into his shoes, you love him, so you can imagine how BAD he must be suffering.
PM me and I can give you details about some methods to help.
I've been married to my husband for 11 months and we are already having sex issues. Could be our 9 yr age difference or his constant studying for the CPA exam. All i know is that i'm 27 and in the best shape of my life and my husband never instigates sex. it makes me feel like crap.
Well trust me, your DH isn't the only that has "performance" issues. I as much as this pains me to say in a public forum, I have the same problem from time to time.
He more than likeley beats himself up over it, I know I do. There's nothing more than I would love to do then go and get completely checked out medically. Just can't afford it due to no health insurance.
I'm only hitting mid thirties. I do smoke. So when that happens I put all efforts into doing whatever I can for the SO. Then try again about an hour later. Good luck.
My husband is taking a low dose of cialis daily and it has worked wonders.
Also, laying off masturbation helps.
Some men need more foreplay than they get, too. And quite honestly, some men aren't able to pull off the stereotypical "men are always horny" thing. They're at their best with less frequent but more passionate sex.
You might want to check on his porn useage, too. If he's a user, he probably needs to stop. 100% of his effort needs to be directed at the marriage and partnered sex.
I have had a similar experiance to what your man sounds like he was going through. When I was a teenager the thrid person I slept with was the first partner I had sex with more than once. It was douring the winter and we had several snow days, and I had a cottage I was living in alone so there was no distractions. We did it a fair share of times, but after a few weeks of frequent sex I had a stiuation that I couldn't keep an erection. It would get hard in foreplay but as soon as I started to evter her or shortly after I would go totally soft. It was like I could feel the blood rush back out of it as soon as I thought about actually useing it instead of just getting it hard. I wanted to have sex, I wasn't tired but it just wouldn't work. I just borke up with her and got with her new friend. Years later my wife and I have some issues and she starts talking about sex with other people, because I have been holding out on her. I had that problem a few times then but this time I knew the reason, its because sex is about being able to think the right thing while you are doing it.
He is thinking too much, and not about stuff that really turns him on. What turns him on? This is a mans most private issue.
My wife tells me she doesn't think anything douring sex, she just enjoys the feeling, but I am not wired that way, I need some mental image or sequence in my mind. Like memory porn, I need not only a good feeling but a good image not to get hard but to stay hard, and then to climax. Just what those are for me is pretty freaky stuff, and I suspect your man's may be too.
I think he cant let himself be himself enough to perform the act of sex, and loosing himself enough in it to get there. Don't try to guess or suggest things or ever expect to find out, just tell him its ok to be who he is and to enjoy what he wants to do. Tell him to think whatever he want's to be able to get there. Sex is the most personal and private act, and I have to feel totally comfortable to do it.
I am totally mainstream in my tastes for what sex is, my wife likes bondage and pain alot more than I do, which is not at all. I found this out by going to a xnxx.com and letting her pick from the catagories, then pick what we watched. I would never have picked it, but she had a squirting orgasim in 15 min.
Just be prepared to find out something you dont expect from your husband in order to make this work for him. You are already married already and have vowed to each other to be together for better or worse, but the process of getting to know each other happens everyday because we find out more about ourselves every day. People change, what they remember and how they view thier past change every day, and thier willingness to share and accept those things changes too.
There are lots of mental things it could be, but I doubt it has anything to do with you. He wouldn't have married you if you didn't make him happy and was totally in love with you. Give him time and understanding and try to aviod taking this personally.
Gomez, there are a lot of great things in your post. The problem is that it advocates having no communication about the most intimate act, and to expect and be comfortable with your SO using your body for masturbation. Why not just get a toy then instead of the partner that is in front of you?
Getting to the point where you can share with your partner, now that's real. What you're talking about isn't real. It is hiding. A lot of people are comfortable with that sort of arrangement, but a lot of other people are not. So it won't work for everyone.
Thank you for pointing that out. Perhaps I should be clearer that communication is essential, but there are many levels and where the problem resides may be deeper than the level you are communicating on now. Getting there may simply take some time. Build on what you are comfortable with.
I also just tried to reveal that some of what gets me there are things that if I shared they would lose the taboo and thus thier effectiveness. Trying to communicate that stuff, what it actually was while it was happening would kill the mood for both of us. It is uncommunicatable, but it is there. Is that hiding or bodily masturbation, in some ways yes, but I kinda think thats a distinction without a difference. Maybe you are able to lose yourself in the sensation to the point of climax, but my mind needs more stimulation. I am just offering my personal testimony in the hope of letting the OP know what one mans problem was, and the way I found to work through it.
Do you find a difference between a toy and a fantasy and a real partner? I sure do and I prefer a partner. I just am not sure I would be able to do either without the fantasy part. Maybe I masturbated too much and now thats all an orgasim is to me.
In the end if I am satisfied and my partner is overly satisfied isn't that what counts? Do you call it fake because it took the wrong mental sequences to get you there? It seems much like simple roleplaying inside ones own head to me.
I am on medication and sometimes i just cant keep it up....no matter what I do. I've done some investigation and have begun to accept the fact that I need some help in that area. I've done some reading about using supplements (because I don't want to go on yet another medication) to help. I've tried asian ginsing (sp?) (not any other ginsing as it supposedly doesn't work as well) and it seems to work more often than not. As a matter of fact, I got a complex of asian and a couple other kinds of ginsing that was labeled as helping with energy from the VitaminShoppe. You may want to try that.