Is sex really over after 31 years of marriage?

Josephine · 07-30-2009, 02:54 PM

I think that I've finally just about given up on my husband. There are a couple of issues, and I'm just not sure how to deal with them anymore. First, I have been telling and telling my husband for the past few years that touch is very important to me. Without it I do not feel loved. For some reason, he has just stopped touching me unless he wants to "get me in the mood". Well, a couple of foot pats on a Friday night do not get me in the mood anymore, but he seems unable to understand that. No matter how much I tell him this, he'll try to do better for a week or two, and then he's back to his old self on his side of the sofa watching TV. I'm actually now feeling like I don't care if he touches me, and I do not want to have sex anymore. I find myself staying away from him on Friday night or making excuses so that he can't touch me and we won't have to have sex. His answer last time I asked him why he doesn't hug me or touch me is that I don't initiate it. Well, I'm the leader on so much of our life, he is such a follower, but I want him to lead on something. I don't want to be the leader in this area. I think that I'd rather do without then to have to be the leader yet again.

Secondly, to top it off, he's been having "problems" in bed for a couple of years now. He's tried viagra, which helps a bit, but he's changed his rhythm and it's just not working for me like before. It's gotten terribly frustrating.

So, is it just time to stop having sex? Does this normally happen? I know that my parents and my in laws ended up getting their own bedrooms at about this age, but I didn't think it would happen to me.

Blanca · 07-30-2009, 03:17 PM

i dont know about it being over after 31 yrs...my sex life was over after a few months. lol. i used to be extremely angry and bitter about it (H was/is addicted to porn) but now i actually joke about it more then anything. some days it still gets to me, but i guess on most days i just figure that i cant change him, his sex drive is obviously less then mine (or something) and there's no sense dwelling on what i cant change. so i focus more on how to alleviate my own sexual frustrations- on what i can do about it.

preso · 07-30-2009, 04:07 PM

My sex life was great until last year and my peak was in my mid to late 30's
( 50 now)
for men, life is not as kind... they peak when they are like 17 and it goes downhill from there. If they smoke and drink... they have more issues with inablity to have good erections.

Sandy55 · 07-30-2009, 04:38 PM

Age is often not kind to the human body, no matter how young the soul feels. And if you add smoking or a disease such as Diabetes II and excess weight gain, being in poor physical tone, well you may get the picture!

Aging is something people don't like to discuss because it IS rather depressing if you take it too seriously and don't keep a positive attitude. Take it in stride if you will.

While you may not be having the sex you are accustomed to, maybe you need to re-vamp what you define as satisfying sex life? Re-think your expectations!

I can't do back bends like I could in my 20s, nor can I run an 8 minute mile any longer, but I sure as hell don't quit. I do back exercises to keep my back from going out, and run the best I can. That makes things better.

And as far as older married sex, well, no, it isn't all the horns and whistles it used to be for dh. I feel worse for my dh than me, because everything I ever had is the same and sometimes actually feels richer over time! Go figure! Maybe it is me being thankful for what I have and dh can't have, some empathy going there...

What I HAVE discovered is that IF I get dh away from home routine resonsibilties, and ME away from home routine responsibilties AND the worries of such, we have dynamite sex. It is like changing our "work at home" environment into finding an environment that is totally AWAY from our worries (which we have quite a few....) we re-ignite.

And often, because dh is overly tired, or just can't get "Mr. DH" to pony up....he will just watch me do my "thing" and provide a bit of - ur, a supporting role rather than the main actor, shall I say?

And that has become quite the interesting discovery of late.

And that is OK. I know you want your dh to initiate more, but maybe he does not because you initiating turns him on more and then it becomes easier to get your "Mr. DH" up?

My dh likes being hit on by me....so I do it in creative new ways all the time. Once I asked him to come to the car wash with me, one of those where you go in and the carwash washes over you while you sit in the car? Well, he liked that, because I took the opportunity to give him a surprise at the carwash, as it is fairly "private" inside those things, in the car, waiting for the carwash machinery to do its thing.....

Always have hoped and wondered there were no cameras!

Sandy55 · 07-30-2009, 04:43 PM

While sex is not as frequent, it is just as great as day one when all does manage to "click" for us.

DH mentions that all the time: "I just can't believe it's never gotten boring or old...". Me neither! Twenty seven years is a long time.

Corpuswife · 07-30-2009, 04:59 PM

Suppose you print out what you wrote here and give it to him?

Sandy55 · 07-30-2009, 05:04 PM

You MUST keep the communication OPEN and flowing or it will all become resentment.

Josephine · 07-31-2009, 09:47 AM

I think that it's way more about not having that touch in my life than about the sex. I could do without sex if I could just be touched. I have communicated this over and over with him the past couple of years, but he does not seem to get that this is my "love language" and it's very important to me.

Dark Angel · 07-31-2009, 10:15 AM

I understand what you mean.

I need that touch to feel loved as well. Big time. Something as simple as that can alter the course of my entire day.

My wife wasnt like that so I had to learn to live without it.

I withered away though. It hurt but I let it go.

Next time (if ever) I certainly wont deny what I need.

Has he read the 5 Love Languages? Perhaps a little insight may wake him up.

GAsoccerman · 07-31-2009, 11:00 AM

I hope not....my wife and I have been "together" for 20 years we have more sex now then 10 years ago...

okeydokie · 07-31-2009, 07:25 PM

he is probably tired of doing all the initiating. initiate evry now and then, he may need to know that you actually want it.

from reading your post you sound like you need one thing (touching) before he gets sex. turn that around once and awhile and just go after it.