Is porn okay in a marriage?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-15-2013, 08:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is porn okay in a marriage?

Hello,

I need advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and we have two young children.

Our sex life has never been great. For the most part we always have sex in the living room or bedroom. The worst part is my husband doesnt do much, he lays on his back and expects me to do every. I enjoy sex and I like to have fun, but my husband doesnt really do much. Not sure how much I can say on here, but I do everytrhing to please my husband and he doesnt even try to please me.

I caught my husband looking at porn when we first started dating. I did not like him looking at porn. I felt it lead to problems in the relationship. However, I learned to look past it and allow my husband to view porn and not say anything. I believe he was looking at porn once a week. It wasnt everyday.

However, a year ago just after I had our 2nd baby my husband cheated on me for a year until I found out. He tells me there was no connection to the girl and it was only sex. Im working on healing from the pain, but it's taking a long time. I do not trust him!!! My husband went to a therapist for a little while and he was told he had a sex addition. My husband denied it and stopped going.

So, now I'm trying to be more open about porn. I told my husband we could watch it together every now and then. My husband could look at porn EVERY night and now ask me to look at porn every night. I told him I'm open to watching porn, but not every night maybe once a week or every other week. I believe porn has damaged my husbands brain. My husband likes very large breast and porn is the only thing that pleases him. The only thing that truly pleases my husband is me watching porn with him, he lays back and I do everything.

How do I handle this? Am I wrong? Should I be more open about porn?

I'm at the point I dont know what to do. I want to fix the problem, but honestly I feel it is my husband that has the problem and does not see it as a problem. I'm debating whether to continue to try or tell him to go to therapy or we get divorced.

Confused Girl
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Old 03-15-2013, 08:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

You've got a couple of problems inter related.The biggest issue is his affair and that needs it's own thread. I suggest you take that to the Coping with infidelity section. I also suggest you ask for gentle responses because it can get a little rough in there with strong emotions of the hurt spouses.

Affair aside....

The biggest problem, IMO, is he stopped going to IC. That means he didn't want to own his issue, didn't want to work on it, and doesn't think it's a problem. That in itself is a huge problem.

Second, IMO, he is a lazy lover expecting you do to all the work and not showing his care or concern that you be touched and loved as well as him. (My H used to do that and I HATE IT!!!!) When he doesn't respond by touching you, end the session. Just roll over and tell him sex involves two people satisfying each other. If that's how he views sex, he needs to stop going to hookers!

Third, is he a sex addict or porn addict? I don't know. It's okay to watch porn with him. In fact, it might be eye opening to know what kind of porn he's watching so you can talk about what you see and how it affects you. If his porn always involves a hapless man being man raped by sex starved woman... That might indicate why he is such a lazy lover. And that's a really good way to point out you have different sexual needs than he does.

It's perfectly fine for a man or woman to get turned on by being ravished. But it's not okay to NOT attend to the needs of your partner. And that's what he's doing.

This could be a very good thing for you if you use porn viewing together as a catalyst for growth and understanding. If, however, he refuses to talk and share his thoughts and feelings, go back to problem number one and set your boundaries for IC and working on his issues.

Last edited by Anon Pink; 03-15-2013 at 08:36 AM. Reason: Damn auto correct!
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Old 03-15-2013, 08:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

There is not correct answer if Porn is bad or good for a marriage. It is weather it is affecting your marriage and it sounds like it is. If you enjoy watching it with your husband and you both enjoy the effect then I would say no harm. If he is the only one getting the benefit from it then you have a problem.

I would off that you both get some counceling. Since there is no right or wrong it just needs to be managed by someone that is trained to do so. I am sorry your having troubles in your marriage. It sounds like other things are going on and it will take some work to get it all straightened out. There are alot of good people hear that can offer you some good advice.
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Old 03-15-2013, 08:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
You've got a couple of problems inter related.The biggest issue is his affair and that needs it's own thread. I suggest you take that to the Coping with infidelity section. I also suggest you ask for gentle responses because it can get a little rough in there with strong emotions of the hurt spouses.

Affair aside....

The biggest problem, IMO, is he stopped going to IC. That means he didn't want to own his issue, didn't want to work on it, and doesn't think it's a problem. That in itself is a huge problem.

Second, IMO, he is a lazy lover expecting you do to all the work and not showing his care or concern that you be touched and loved as well as him. (My H used to do that and I HATE IT!!!!) When he doesn't respond by touching you, end the session. Just roll over and tell him sex involves two people satisfying each other. If that's how he views sex, he needs to stop going to hookers!

Third, is he a sex addict or porn addict? I don't know. It's okay to watch porn with him. In fact, it might be eye opening to know what kind of porn he's watching so you can talk about what you see and how it affects you. If his porn always involves a hapless man being man raped by sex starved woman... That might indicate why he is such a lazy lover. And that's a really good way to point out you have different sexual needs than he does.

It's perfectly fine for a man or woman to get turned on by being ravished. But it's not okay to NOT attend to the needs of your partner. And that's what he's doing.

This could be a very good thing for you if you use porn viewing together as a catalyst for growth and understanding. If, however, he refuses to talk and share his thoughts and feelings, go back to problem number one and set your boundaries for IC and working on his issues.
Great advice. Very well said!
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Old 03-15-2013, 10:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

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Originally Posted by mountaingirl00 View Post
Hello,

I need advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and we have two young children.

Our sex life has never been great.....but I do everytrhing to please my husband and he doesnt even try to please me.

I caught my husband looking at porn when we first started dating. I did not like him looking at porn.

. ..my husband cheated on me for a year until I found out.

So, now I'm trying to be more open about porn.

How do I handle this? Am I wrong? Should I be more open about porn?

I'm at the point I dont know what to do. I want to fix the problem, but honestly I feel it is my husband that has the problem and does not see it as a problem. I'm debating whether to continue to try or tell him to go to therapy or we get divorced.

Confused Girl
Confused Girl

Oh dear. I offer no advise on porn, much too heated a topic and one that is a personal boundary every relationship needs to define. Porn maybe ok for some marriages, it may not be for others. All that doesn't matter, only what is right for your relationship matters.

Are you saying that after you found out about the affair (that was for sex only) you lightened up your position on porn? I don't understand?

Have you gone to MC?
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Old 03-15-2013, 10:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mountaingirl00 View Post
Hello,

I need advice. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and we have two young children.

Our sex life has never been great. For the most part we always have sex in the living room or bedroom. The worst part is my husband doesnt do much, he lays on his back and expects me to do every. I enjoy sex and I like to have fun, but my husband doesnt really do much. Not sure how much I can say on here, but I do everytrhing to please my husband and he doesnt even try to please me.

I caught my husband looking at porn when we first started dating. I did not like him looking at porn. I felt it lead to problems in the relationship. However, I learned to look past it and allow my husband to view porn and not say anything. I believe he was looking at porn once a week. It wasnt everyday.

However, a year ago just after I had our 2nd baby my husband cheated on me for a year until I found out. He tells me there was no connection to the girl and it was only sex. Im working on healing from the pain, but it's taking a long time. I do not trust him!!! My husband went to a therapist for a little while and he was told he had a sex addition. My husband denied it and stopped going.

So, now I'm trying to be more open about porn. I told my husband we could watch it together every now and then. My husband could look at porn EVERY night and now ask me to look at porn every night. I told him I'm open to watching porn, but not every night maybe once a week or every other week. I believe porn has damaged my husbands brain. My husband likes very large breast and porn is the only thing that pleases him. The only thing that truly pleases my husband is me watching porn with him, he lays back and I do everything.

How do I handle this? Am I wrong? Should I be more open about porn?

I'm at the point I dont know what to do. I want to fix the problem, but honestly I feel it is my husband that has the problem and does not see it as a problem. I'm debating whether to continue to try or tell him to go to therapy or we get divorced.

Confused Girl
Porn is fine with me in a marriage/relationship, but your husband seems like an ass, a selfish lover, and like he has issues that he needs to deal with.

How are you two dealing with the affair? Or is it just swept under the rug, with you left to deal with your feelings? What was the impact to him?

C
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Old 03-15-2013, 10:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex | Married Man Sex Life
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

Ditto to what the other posters said. I don't really think porn is the issue here. Your husband cheated on you and is selfish in bed. It sounds like he is ass. I do think you should go to counseling, but it doesn't sound like it's you who has the problem here, and I don't think the porn is what's causing problems. I'm sorry your husband is such a jerk.
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Confused Girl

Oh dear. I offer no advise on porn, much too heated a topic and one that is a personal boundary every relationship needs to define. Porn maybe ok for some marriages, it may not be for others. All that doesn't matter, only what is right for your relationship matters.

Are you saying that after you found out about the affair (that was for sex only) you lightened up your position on porn? I don't understand?

Have you gone to MC?
Yes, I changed my view on porn after finding out about the affair. It's been almost a since I found out and we've had or ups and downs, but trying to work through the affair. My HB he had the affair and that there was no emotional connection. The affair is a problem, but I'm not sure how to feel about it being only for sex. Is is sex addict? Will it happen again?
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Porn is fine with me in a marriage/relationship, but your husband seems like an ass, a selfish lover, and like he has issues that he needs to deal with.

How are you two dealing with the affair? Or is it just swept under the rug, with you left to deal with your feelings? What was the impact to him?

C
We've been dealing with the affair, but to be honest there have been no real repercussions for his actions. This is my fault. We have a 2 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old. I wanted to try to work on our marriage without effecting the children. I've told him several times that I'm done and he needs to move out. However, I havent't followed through. Last weekend I told him I'm done... asked him to either work on the marriage or get out. This time I mean it, but he isnt going to believe me until I follow through.

It is important to me our daughter grow up with a loving family. However, I think things will be changing so. I've become crazy. I now track everything my husband does (Computer monitor and GPS track) I said if I catch him again that I'm DONE!!!!
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Old 03-15-2013, 06:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Has he shown remorse for what he put you through?
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Old 03-15-2013, 07:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

I would suggest that for your marriage it's not a good idea, because your sex life is not healthy.

Quite often men who have sexual issues should not watch porn and should focus on their partners.

Your husband is an entitled selfish lazy man, who has had no real consequences for his actions. Instead of him trying to atone for what he has done, you are watching porn in a bid to make sex more exciting for him. That's not good at all.

I suggest you go to counseling, to deal with your self esteem issues, and you mayneed to give him an ultimatum for him to change. He need to learn to focus on you and enrich your sex life and bond.

Insist on no porn, complete transparency (you get all his passwords to email, face book etc) individual counseling and marital counseling. Plus he has to make huge efforts to try and get you to stay with him.

Also his affair was not just sex, it was a betrayal of your marriage. He needs to stop minimising it, and own the hurt and pain he has put you through.
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Old 03-15-2013, 07:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Has he shown remorse for what he put you through?
Sometimes my husband understands what he did, shows remorse and tries to reassure me. I told him we needed to go the therapy together, but he refuses to go.

Other times my husband acts like he does not care how much he hurt me and expects me to let go and never look back. The affair continued for almost a year, a year of lies. He worked with the girl. Which I had a couple red flags, which I confronted my husband but continued to lie until I had 100% proof.

Now my husband tries to show me that he loves me, tells me all the time, calls from work to say hi, helps with the kids and particpates in family time.

I'm very confused.
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Old 03-15-2013, 07:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

MG he should be doing those things.

However he is rugsweeping. Please keep reading on these boards and find out all about that term.

He should be willing to do whatever it takes, for however long to make things right with you. If you really want your marriage to work, you need to make sure you do not allow him to get away with this.

If it's not properly addressed, you will get more resentful, your sex life will continue to be bad for you, and you will end up detatched from him emotionally, because your needs are not being met.

Also he has a high chance of cheating again, because he has not taken responsibility properly, and does not have a good plan in place to ensure he will behave correctly in furute.
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is porn okay in a marriage?

How did your husband have an affair? Was he just lying around naked and a woman fell on his penis?....Since he is too lazy to have sex with you, how did he get into a "it was just sex" relationship with another woman?

Your husband is a lazy lying bum....You need to get much tougher on him than you have been. He is not a sex addict, he is a selfish child....He watches porn and masterbates because he is a big lazy clod without enough cajones to make love to a real woman....You would be much better off collecting child support and spending your evenings looking for the kind of man you deserve......
I think he wants you on top during sex because he is too lazy to breath and he is using you for cpr/sex.......Dump the $%$#$$@

good luck finding a man
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