Do I have sex with my wife who has herpes?
My wife and I have been happily married for 9 years, polyamorous (committed, but dating other people) for the last 6 years.
She's been with about 5 other partners in that time, I've been with none (I'm not opposed to polyamory at all—I've been on 2 dates, kissing, but no sex—just been a little gun shy about making it public). But neither of us have experienced symptoms of any kind of STD. One of the few rules we have for dating other people is being safe, and not bringing any STDs home.
The guy that she's currently seeing casually mentioned that he'd slept with someone who had HSV2, which to him was no big deal, but he hadn't been tested for anything. That, of course, raised a big red flag with both my wife and I. Honestly, it's more of a red flag for me, since the idea of contracting something incurable really scares me. From my wife's perspective she figures she's going to get it at some point, and that doesn't really bother her.
We just went to get tested (not sure why we hadn't thought to do this sooner), and we're waiting for the results back. As far as we know, neither of us have HSV1 or 2, no symptoms, but from what I've read you can have it and not even know it.
I feel like this puts me in a really tough spot. I could have it, she could have it. We could both be clean. Not sure yet.
Where it starts getting iffy for me is if she has it and I don't. What do I do? It sounds ridiculous for me to not have sex with my wife ever again, or even worse (from my perspective) never kiss her again if she has HSV1. I love her so much, but is it worth voluntarily putting myself at risk to contract an incurable STD?
She's very angry at me right now—and I get it—for even taking the time to contemplate whether or not I would put myself at risk. For her, it's a simple choice: "Oh, you have herpes? Well, I'll have herpes too, since I love you so much." I feel like a total ****, but it's not that easy for me.
Again, this is hypothetical at this point, results aren't even in yet. But I just need some advice from others in his situation, or from those who are dealing with HSV, and those who aren't. Am I making too big a deal of this? Is it completely unreasonable to never have sex again with my wife so as to avoid contracting it.
I guess part of me is thinking what if something happens in 5 years and we get divorced, and I put myself at risk and contracted it. I would very much regret that. It's a crappy thing to think about, but it definitely scares me to get something I can't get rid of. I just feel like I'm missing some info or perspective on this. Thanks!