Marriage in serious trouble due to alcohol and no SEX!
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Marriage in serious trouble due to alcohol and no SEX!

I am not sure where to post this since it has a little bit of everything in it...Sorry!!

I met my husband in 2003. We have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children our son is 5 years and daughter is 10 months. When I first met my husband I quickly realized that he was an alcoholic, but like many other women, I thought I could change him and/or minimized the what if's.

My husband and I have always had great sex and had it about 2-3 times per week. Not only did we have sex, but we would have foreplay, take pictures, watch porn, and even taped ourselves!!

In 2007 I became pregnant with our son and in Feb 2008 we received a phone call that his brother, who was over seas serving in the military, had a health issue and was flown to Germany and then to Walter Reed. Come to find out he had terminal cancer and didn't have much time. Hubby was already drinking and drank every night. I was about 8 months pregnant and begged him not to drink and get drunk b/c I could go into labor! Nothing worked! Our son was born in April 08 and his brother died in October.

His drinking increase, but our sex life decreased dramatically! Fast forward to 2010…We had sex maybe 1 time every 6 months and I was so lonely! However, I kept myself busy working full time, being a mom, and I was going to school to get my masters. One night I had to work late at an internship. I called hubby to see if he wanted me to get our son or if he was all set to get him. I ended up getting our son and dropped him off at home. As soon as I saw hubbster, I knew that he was drunk. He denied this, but I knew. I had to go to my internship and it was right down the road. I went and came home early. I found my hubby passed out in the hallway, with our 2 year old son crawling on him.

That was IT! I called his family and met with all of them the next day. I wanted to have an intervention, but needed their support. When I met with just his family, none of them really knew that he even had an issue. I told them what had just happened with our son, his peeing in the corner of various rooms thinking it was the bathroom, falling down stairs, almost setting our house on fire, lying, driving while drunk.....on and on. They were behind me 100% and his brother agreed to pay for it.

We had the intervention the next day and hubby (after a long talk, ultimatums, and fighting) agreed to go to treatment. He was gone to inpatient for 30 days. He came home and stayed sober for 11 months.

During our relationship he was fired from two of his jobs. A few months after our son was born he, again was fired from his 3rd job! Since he was not working treatment and staying sober was a little easier without all the pressure of work. Once he was hired at a new job, he relapsed. He drank on and off, but never got to the point he was prior.

I did not want to have another child with him if he was drinking. I also did not want him to decide if I got to have another child! He promised he was NOT drinking anymore and was taking his sobriety seriously. In 2011 we became pregnant with our daughter. One month later, I found out that he was drinking! I was so distraught and that my decision to believe that he was not drinking just changed my whole life.

Fast forward to present time...Hubby and I only had sex 1 time while I was pregnant and 2 times since she was born. Can I also say that the last time that he has gone down on me and performed oral sex was when I was PREGNANT WITH OUR SON . Yes, 5 years ago! I love giving him head! I would do it every night if I could. However, why should I give him oral pleasure if I get nothing in return?

Blahhhh....Hubby was fired from his 4th job almost 2 years ago and has not been working since. This summer he has picked up some painting jobs to earn money. He has spent all of his 401 k, took out extra $$ from his school loans (failed both classes), and now has borrowed money from his brother.

He is still drinking and no longer is trying to hide it from me. A few months ago he started to raise his hand to me and threatened to hit me. I told him that if he EVER hit me I would not hesitate to call the cops and press charges. Things have settled down in that department. He has not gotten sloppy drunk for a while now.

Hubby knows that he has a drinking issue and wants to get better. We talk (mostly me) a lot about what we would like our marriage to be and what needs to be done in order to get there. He suffers from depression and becomes very depressed in the winter, but no job = no insurance = no medication or therapy. He feels like a failure, and that he is less of a man due to all the stress that he has put on me, the kids, and our marriage. He says he wants to be better and give me what I desire, but can't. He always says that if he can't love or stand himself, then he can't love me in the way that I want.

I know that we have MANY more issues then just sex and we have a lot of work to do in almost every aspect of our marriage. However, it as been so long since I have been touched or desired by him. It has gotten to the point when we did have sex it was very awkward...like we were doing it for the first time. I am dying inside. Not only to have sex, but to be wanted. We are like two roommates who are raising children. We don't hold hands, kiss, touch...nothing. I want our marriage to work, I really do, but how much am I suppose to take?

I understand that he hates himself, but he has felt this way FOREVER. It has gotten to the point where I DO feel attracted to another man. I have to avoid certain situations with this man b/c I am afraid of what will happen. I do not want to cheat, but I need and want some kind of physical connection. Christ, just to sweep the hair from my face while looking into my eyes, kiss the back of my neck...something....anything! I am so afraid I will end up in the arms of another man just to feel alive inside.

YES, hubby does know these things, but when I tell him how I feel it makes him feel worse. When he feels worse, he loses motivation to get the hell out of his own way and make positive choices. I keep telling myself to hang in there and once he gets a job, THEN we can work on our marriage.

Is this every going to happen, am I just fooling myself? IDK, I have talked in circles and thank you if you're still reading this. Any kind of advice, words of encouragement, or similar stories would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 03-25-2013, 08:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage in serious trouble due to alcohol and no SEX!

The drinking issue has to be the first one addressed before you two can work on anything else.

Fix that first - get him into AA and sober - then, and only then, start working on the marital issues when he can handle it.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage in serious trouble due to alcohol and no SEX!

Unfortunately he won't get help until he hits bottom and having you and his kids there isn't "bottom".

leave and tell him you will consider a reconciliation when he gets and stays sober. If that means AA or rehab, whatever. Maybe the loss of his family will be "bottom" for him.
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Old 03-26-2013, 12:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage in serious trouble due to alcohol and no SEX!

I was with an alcoholic for a couple of years before I realised there was nothing whatsoever I could do to change his behaviour. It had to come from him. It didn't. I left. I wish you better luck.
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