Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am 21 and ny husband is 20. We have been married less than a year and we have a beautiful daughter together. While I was pregnant I never wanted sex but now that I have had the baby I do. My husband and I have been going through hell in our marriage because while I was in hospital and just after I had our daughter he was watching porn. I have a problem with this and he knows it makes me feel bad because I offered to watch it together but he later confessed that he was watching it because he does not find me physically attractive anymore.(you may have seen my post on that) Well we worked past that and for about the last month it has gone back to me being horny all the time and he never seems to want to satisfy me. He puts it off as long as he can before he will ever have sex with me. Then last night when we were driving in the car he asked me if I would consider a three-some with someone. Now I love my husband and he knows I would never be willing to share him much less be able to break my vows by giving myself to someone else or be able to watch him do it. I am a far too jelous person for that and now I don't know what to do... please help me.
he says our sex life is dull and right now i am just having a hard time stomaching that he could give himself to another woman with no second thoughts or remorse...he will not do toys or role play IT HAS TO BE A THREESOME: then when i turned him down he siad that he thinks we got married too fast because he never got to experience it..
Wow....calm down. This is a common fantasy of guys. I'm not down playing it but just saying. Sounds like he's addicted to porn, and just might cheat on you.
he is 20 yers old? and your 21? already have a child???
This is really sad...
Did you get married bcause of the baby? and "it was the right thing to do?"
Don't do the threesome, if you're not into it, then don't. I would love one with my wife...been together 20 years...guess what?...never done it. But I am certainly not going to force the issue, it's just a fantasy that is all, sometimes fantasies are better then reality.
reality sucks.
Why did he marry you in the first place? Sorry to hear this.
I wonder if he's ever considered how absolutely hurtful he has been toward you lately. He may be honestly communicating, or he may be trying to tell you he wants out, that he's too young for a wife and family.
I really think he could stand to talk to an older man who has been married a while and who actually loves his wife because he needs to understand that everything he is doing is killing your spirit.
He also needs to stop watching porn because it is giving him ideas that aren't conducive to marriage.
Porn gives you an unrealistic idea of what a threesome can be. In porn they aren't doing it for anyones pleasure, they do it for the camera. Noone is emotionally involved with anyone else in porn its all just business. Just look at the positions they use, they all twist about so the camera can get a good angle, not so anyone actually is stimulated by that position.
Here's my story about a threesome. I was 22 at a free concert downtown and I met a girl that gave me her number. We dated a few times and I kissed her on the third date. The next date was more sexual but we didn't have any kind of sex, just heavy kissing and rubbing. The following weekend she shows up with 2 friends at my door to invite me to go camping with them. We go out and get the tents up then go to sit down by the lake. I walk up behind my girl and kiss her neck and put my hands on her sides, she turns to kiss me full on the mouth and my hands come up to her breasts. She kisses me harder and I start to drop my hands down to her pants, only to discover her friends hands are already there. I suddenly dont care that its a girl that has her hands down my girlfriends pants, I was taking this relationship seriously, but that has just been seriously shaken. She asks me to keep my hands on her chest but after a few minutes I just walk away because I dont feel right about whats going on. She tells me she brought me along to decide which she likes better, guys or girls. She disappears with her friend for a while then returns and goes into our tent. She invites me to join her in her sleeping bag, saying she is cold but I have decided that this is not the girl for me and I spend the whole night sitting by myself. A few days later I find a "We are done" note in my door. The fantasy of the way it could have gone is a turn on, but the way it made me feel has kept me from ever wanting to try it again.
Sex is an emotional thing, it means something. In michigan we are required to go to a counseling class befor we got married and I remember the lady telling me spicifically "Marriage is not going to change your sex life, just because you are married doesn't mean your partner is going to be willing to do new things." I also remember a profound feeling of having to give up any hopes of fulfilling the crazy fantasies or being with old girlfriends or the chance to redo the night in the forest.
That feeling of missing out stayed with me for a long time and led me to almost push my wife into the arms of another man because I wanted her to feel the same sense of "You cant go there" that I was dealing with. Unfortunately she did not respond like I expected and ended up cheating on me.
Only then did I see that I hadn't given up anything but sand castles, temporary fantasies that didn't mean anything, but I had almost lost the one good and right thing that I had ever done with my life.
We both pulled back from the brink of divorce and renewed our commitment to each other and abandoned our curiosity about what was outside our marriage. In doing so we found a whole new level of being happy with each other.
I dont know what you could tell him to bring him to that kind of understsnding that fantasies are not what they are cracked up to be. With him holding back sex from you it would be pretty hard to give him al the sex he wants. Let him know that if he wants to masturbate that you would like to help, because I am sure he is doing that. Let him watch porn while you do the work for him, even if you dont like what he watches it will still get you into his fantasies. He is living in a fantasy world right now, and he needs to come out of it before his real world falls apart.
no we did not get married because of the baby. getting married is something we did because we do love each other. we are best friends before anything; but i think that is the problem is it possibe to be too much of friends?? but no i have been through a lot in my life i was ready for this life i just don't think he was and now i feel like i ruined his life and am regretting getting married to him.
Whoa. You didn't put a gun to his head to make him marry you. He's responsible for where he finds himself in life, not you. He's a big boy.
This guilt thing that it is all your fault is enabling him to continue to be childish. He'll never have to take responsibility for himself if you take all of it for him. (Which by the way, you can't really do. Sure, you guys can pretend that it is all your fault, but it isn't anything reflective of reality. So where do you want to live : in the real world or in codependent lies?
First thing I'd recommend for YOU is some counseling without him. You need to get your head around the idea that this isn't your problem. You didn't cause this.
Once you do that, you can more clearly decide if you want to put up with him.
He should go to his own counselor. I wouldn't do marital until you've both had the chance to work on your own issues.
I wonder if he's ever considered how absolutely hurtful he has been toward you lately. He may be honestly communicating, or he may be trying to tell you he wants out, that he's too young for a wife and family.
I really think he could stand to talk to an older man who has been married a while and who actually loves his wife because he needs to understand that everything he is doing is killing your spirit.
He also needs to stop watching porn because it is giving him ideas that aren't conducive to marriage.
I think he needs a kick up the backside and a tap on the head with the reality stick to accept his responsib. 20 and 21 way to young guys. Sorry two cents worth
Wow, I just saw this follow up post to your other one back in July. Ok, first do not accept the blame for his marrying you any longer. That was his choice and his to live with. It does sound like HE regrets getting married so young... not a personal thing on you, just that he obviously wishes for his "freedom" back. You can cut your losses now and remain friends, divorced. Or, you can wait for him to work out his feelings. Im afraid he will head towards the cheating department... not as a rejection of you, bc he loves you and you are friends... but bc of his fascination with the fantasy... normal for a guy soooooo young (and some not so young as well).
By no means should you participate in a threesome if it is totally against your ethics. If it something you are curious about and scared of, that is different... but it sounds to me like you couldnt handle emotionally seeing him with that other while you are with them... dont blame you for that. That is a personal boundary for you and do not cross it just to get his approval. Maybe ask him if there is something he wants to act out with you?
In his case, the fantasy of porn is ruining his view of reality (something I did nto pick up in your other post). He may need to cheat to burst the bubble of the fantasy. You cannot control what he does as painful as that sounds (btw, my husband just recently told me he would find it elsewhere and I would never know... you can read my posts... we are in a similar boat). At first I felt so threatened I wanted to hire a private detective to follow him. Then, I now realize... if he is going to do that, then he is going to do that... I cant control it. I am not responsible for his disrespectful behaviour and illegal (when you are married, it is adultery).
Just focus on you being happy with your life, enjoy your job, enjoy your daughter and enjoy yourself. If he follows great, if not, then he will eventually either leave or make ammends someday after going through whatever grieving he needs to do about the loss of this fantasy life he so desires. The grass is not greener on the other side... maybe a little more green, but there are brown patches in every field. You already have a child, and you are still children yourselves... he needs to grow and you need to grow. The path may be more painful since you have more growing than many of us who married much later.
You cant make him change, you may have to love him regardless of the fantasy he is clinging to, let him either act on it or grieve the loss of the ability to do it. You will know when a point has been reached that you cannot tolerate the pain anymore. SOmetimes situations are not fixable, even if it just you that does some fixing of yourself. Maybe this deviant obsession of his is just his way representing his lust with the idea of his freedom, which he views that he lost being married.
Good luck, it is not your fault... you cannot take responsibility for another persons choices.
Also, you can tell him that you hear him when he says he regrets being married so young/"too soon". You love him enough though to let him work his way through that loss. Sounds like his refusal to sleep with you and telling you that you arent attractive to him are just verbal expressions/representations of his feeling the loss of that freedom as his reality. Its about him, not you. Just remember that, as hard as it is to believe that. He may do some crazy awful things in the process of grieving the loss of that freedom/fantasy. You can either accept them and be patient and strong, or not... that is a choice that is soley up to you... his process is his and as ugly as it may get you both may come out stronger for riding it out.
Think about all the affairs that happened generations ago... did they get divorced for affairs? No! It was just a part of their marriage... just a part of life. It sucks, but youd be the better person for having the character to choose to live your life while he struggles along, instead of condemning him and thinking poorly of yourself.
*****911******(please help me!!) 
