Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am recently married (April 2009) and my wife does not like to give oral sex. Other than that I am very satisfied, and she seems very satisfied and tells me she is. We talk a lot about sex, and she tells me the issue is her own issue and not because she finds me unattractive or anything like that.
My issue is that I know she performed oral sex to the point of climax on her previous lover, but refuses to do for me. She did tell me that she felt pressured into performing with her previous lover, and mucho alcohol was involved.
I cant stop feeling down about this, as I have given up so much to marry my soulmate and take in her children, and I give oral sex very frequently.
We recently talked about this and the told me "never" I just want to have some hope that it may happen.
Should it bother me that her previous lover got this treatment, but her loving husband will not?
You know that marriage certificate you and your wife signed? Yah...well that was the no more oral for the rest of my life certificate:P J/K. Some women like to give it, some women dont. It sounds like whoever the guy was that got basically forced it on her in some manner and ruined the experience for her and you.
But look at this way...some random dude she likes marginally got oral one time. You? The man she chose to marry? You get everything else for the rest of your life. Seems like a fair trade to me.
You know that marriage certificate you and your wife signed? Yah...well that was the no more oral for the rest of my life certificate:P J/K. Some women like to give it, some women dont. It sounds like whoever the guy was that got basically forced it on her in some manner and ruined the experience for her and you.
But look at this way...some random dude she likes marginally got oral one time. You? The man she chose to marry? You get everything else for the rest of your life. Seems like a fair trade to me.
John
Excellent healthy way to look at things...thanks for your perspective!
I bet that if you don't make it an issue for a while, she will come around and want to try it again for you. If she was pressured into it, she is probably looking for a man who she can enjoy sexually without pressure. As time goes on, her curiosity and desire to satisfy you in different ways may grow. Just a thought.
Keep the faith and dont bug her about it. I was married 4.5 years befor I got oral to climax, but now she does it anytime I ask. Eventually she will get adventurous once she feels comfortable enough. Just dont try to keep score with that kind of stuff.
All very good feedback. I appreciate the positve responses, and I know that is the healthy approach.
The problem is me the more I think of it. I cannot get past my own insecurity that this other guy somehow made her happier or satisfied her better.
I dwell on this much more than I should and let it affect my mood.
We talked about it last night and she gave me the same reassurances.
I understand the above, but is what I am asking for so far out of the realm of a healthy marriage?
I feel like I give and give and give and dont ask for much, this makes me feel inseucre in our marriage.
Any advice for reading, prayer, therapy, or anything else that can help me through my own dangerous thoughts?
BTW: She continued to see this guy for a couple months after we were engaged and married...although I am confident that nothing physical happened, I know there is a very deep emotional connection. The thought of her and him upsets me beyond belief, I try so hard to look past but sometimes I just can't.
I think you are worring too much about this bj deal...if you keep asking her and she always says no there a good chance that every time you ask her i can piss her off more and more each time. Dont judge how much she loves you by how much oral you get
On the scale of things, getting a bj or not if all other things are fine seems less important.
However, having said that, I also think it is selfish and hypocritical of a person to enjoy receiving such treatment but to be unwilling to reciprocate.
So, to me, it seems as though both of you have things to work through. You need to ease off the pressure she feels about it. But she also need to work through whatever issues she has regarding oral sex.
well, are you the dominate one when it comes to sex? i have seen alot of replies from the ladies in here lately that they want to be dominated and taken control of when it comes to sex. have you tried being a bit more forceful? whoa everyone, dont jump on me yet. if you are positively sure she just doesnt want to do it than you are just going to have to let it go. but she has done it before. maybe she is concerned about "finishing" and maybe you could assure her that wont happen (thats what i have to do cause my wife absolutely will not allow that).
everyone has sexual limits and couples may not always agree with what those are, but you have to respect them none the less. giveing oral (or not in this case) is fairly petty in my opinion. its a basic sex act that the vast majority of healthy couples partake in.
"Any advice for reading, prayer, therapy, or anything else that can help me through my own dangerous thoughts?
BTW: She continued to see this guy for a couple months after we were engaged and married...although I am confident that nothing physical happened, I know there is a very deep emotional connection. The thought of her and him upsets me beyond belief, I try so hard to look past but sometimes I just can't.[/QUOTE]
Too me, your last BTW is the real issue you have. My guess is those dangerous thoughts you have have to do with her "continuing to see him after you were engaged and married" What do you mean by that and the deep emotional connection? Did she still love/care for him after getting engaged/married to you? If so...I would have an extreme issue with thoughts of her and him as well.
I am recently married (April 2009) and my wife does not like to give oral sex. Other than that I am very satisfied, and she seems very satisfied and tells me she is. We talk a lot about sex, and she tells me the issue is her own issue and not because she finds me unattractive or anything like that.
My issue is that I know she performed oral sex to the point of climax on her previous lover, but refuses to do for me. She did tell me that she felt pressured into performing with her previous lover, and mucho alcohol was involved.
I cant stop feeling down about this, as I have given up so much to marry my soulmate and take in her children, and I give oral sex very frequently.
We recently talked about this and the told me "never" I just want to have some hope that it may happen.
Should it bother me that her previous lover got this treatment, but her loving husband will not?
Thanks!
Not only should it bother you, but you will have not choice that it WILL bother you regardless.
Your wife is having a strong emotional and sexual connection with her previous lover and you need to find out what it is that she maybe does not have such a connection with you.
And yes, I will also say it because it is true, if the man is not dominant in areas of sex and emotional connection, it is a big turnoff for the woman. The problem is the woman is often not going to tell you this because she may not understand it herself, as to you being the "nice guy" to marry her and take in the children, yet there is maybe some fire in her deep inside for her previous lover that is not burning for you.
A woman is irresistably attracted to a dominant man, and will resent a weak man.
Here's the honest truth, it is not a "nice guy" that lights a fire in a woman, but the dominant man.
Take care to make sure you are clean, and not letting yourself go in physical fitness, and then be sure to take charge in the bedroom, even to say she will get a spanking on her bare bottom if she is thinking to hold back on what it is that you desire. You will not believe how she will probably finally be able to unleash herself with you if you are the dominant man to light in her the fire of her sexual desire!
I am new to this marriage thing even though I am 35.
I have always been the "nice guy" and have had two serious girlfiends cheat and walk out in my past.
I respect what you are saying about taking charge, I have never been one to do that, and I guess you could say I come across as the not in charge as I am always asking permission.
I will dig deep and try in take charge in a gradual way that both she and I can handle...if that is possible!
You should assume "never" means "never". A blowjob from a wife you nagged into doing it, if she doesn't want to do it, won't be worth the trouble anyway. It often happens that good things, gotten the wrong way, not only don't satisfy, but seem somehow blighted.
This (and a number of other things) ended my first marriage. I wouldn't get divorced over a blowjob, but in our case it was the first and most vexatious symptom of what turned out to be a whole boatload of incompatibilities.
Worried for nothing? 
