No idea

xSBx · 08-15-2009, 07:51 PM

This is going to be a rather long post but I have no idea of what to do.
My boyfriend(he is 32) and I(am 30) met in 2004, had our first intimate experience 3 weeks into dating. After dating for 5 months we went our seperate ways. We stayed in contact as friends and reconnected for one night in Oct 05 after he told me he had not found/been with anyone else. Several weeks later he called to tell me that he had indeed been seeing another woman and that they were expecting a child together, after calculating I determined that he had gotten her pregnant within the week that we had been together. We lost contact with each other for a year, I had gone my way and dated guys but could never shake him from my mind. I called him and discovered that he was still single (and childless the girl had aborted the pregnancy) and wanted to see me. Over a weeks time we spoke on the phone and texted continuosly and determined that we were both looking for the same thing- to settle down, get married and start a family. I ended up moving in with him within the month and we have lived together ever since.
Four years into living together I feel like a roommate- I cook, clean and sleep in the same bed but we have not had sex since that one night in Oct 05. I have discovered that he was still married when we met and that his divorce was not finale until we had been living together for 2 yrs! Also discovered that he had been engaged to another girl right before we got back together when I moved in with him. I am at my wits end and do not know what I should do-I have caught him in so many lies over the years and call him out on all of them. I keep a close eye on his email/cell phone looking for any sign of adultery but have never found any other than him looking at porn. I am fine with porn but when I confronted him about why we have not had any intimacy over the years he simply says that he has lost his drive.
He does not let me see him naked and goes as far as to lock the bathroom door when he takes a shower. However he recently started sleeping naked with a sheet that he refuses to share with me. Any and all attempts that I make to confront him or caress him are rejected and he states that he doesnt want me to see him cause he is fat. He has only gained 20 lbs over the years that we have been together, I am the one who has gained the weight over the years but am currently on a plan that I have been successful with. I have woken up a couple of times the last few months from being groped by him, I wake up so surprised and confused that by the time I realize what is happening the moment has passed and I do not know if he is actually asleep or not.
I just do not understand and am sick of being confused by him saying that he loves me and wants to marry me and have a baby when we have not made one step toward achieving any of these things with each other. I have repeatedly asked him if there is something wrong (medically like an STD) that I should know about that we could resolve and he just says no. It is getting to the point where I am starting to become resentful that I wasted the last 3 years of my 20's and the 1st year of my 30's waiting on him when my sex life was active before and nonexistant ever since I moved in with him. He is my best friend but I refuse to have a sexless marriage.
Any help/ideas would be greatly appreciated! I am on a mission to have sex before my 31st birthday in 2 months as I just cannot take it anymore.

NothingMan · 08-15-2009, 10:29 PM

My advice is, get out. If you dont have kids, leave. Seriously. Nothing but hardship down this path. Any one of the things you say he did is a deal breaker.

John

xSBx · 08-15-2009, 10:46 PM

I have tried to part ways. Last September I moved out of state with him, leaving a very good paying job. I had to depend on him financially which I had never had to do with him or any other boyfriend before. I was planning to up and leave him in March to come back to our home state- I had everything planned a job, a place to stay but two days before I was supposed to leave I was expecting him to be called back out for work and he got laid off instead and decided to come back with me and thought it was a vacation. I told him I was moving back with or without him and a mutual friend that I confided in had told him that I was planning to leave him. I felt horrible and decided to try and move forward and work things out between us. Things have gotten somewhat better but I am just not understanding the lack of sex, it is almost as though it is too awkward to initiate since so much time has passed.

woe_is_me · 08-16-2009, 01:32 AM

i have a few things to say about this one:

1) him being with you while he was still married should tell you that he doesnt respect marriage or the vows he has taken. do you want to get into that kind of relationship?

2) him being engaged shortly before getting back together with you should tell you that he seems to have to always be in a relationship

3) was he really thinking of you when you weren't together? you initiated the contact after being apart, not him.

4) men don't lose their sex drive. maybe with a particular person, but i have never heard of a man not interested in any sex.

5) not letting you see him naked because he thinks he is fat is a bad excuse. did he get a tattoo of the girl's face on his rear or something?

if you want sex, time doesn't matter. is he at all be intimate with you, i.g., holds your hand?

floweredteacup · 08-16-2009, 07:37 AM

Ummm, I'm probably in a worse place than you, but my H did not come through the gate like THAT! He is very suspect. He's not letting you look at him & saying HE'S FAT?!

Oh, no. There isn't a man I KNOW, even the fat ones who think they are fat. And the ones who really are fat are the 1st ones to walk around with their man-boobs and belly hanging out. Most, not all men will joke about it, unless they are obese-morbit, in fact. Plus he's telling MEGA lies and doing crazy stuff to you toooo early in the relationship.
LEAVE NOW!! You are tooooo young, and there are no children that you have to factor in this.
I hope you have your shirts in your hand,folding them in your suit case? NO, I'm sorry! Pack his stuff!!!

NothingMan · 08-16-2009, 07:58 AM

Does that mean if I walk around naked Im fat?:P Seriously though..break it off while you are still young. Why waste a few more years on a lost cause?

John

Gomez · 08-16-2009, 08:20 AM

I agree with the other opinions here. Leave now. It's a question of what you think you are worth to yourself. There is a man out there who wants the chance to treat you right. Just leave this guy and go look for him.

xSBx · 08-16-2009, 11:11 AM

I guess I should have mentioned that when he was previously married and was telling me that he was already divorced he had been seperated from his wife for a couple of years because she got pregnant by another guy. She moved out of state and he didnt know exactly where she was nor did he care. He filed divorce papers but because she couldnt be found/didnt reply it was dismissed. When his dad passed away her family showed up to the funeral and started talking about her moving back to town.
When he was engaged before I moved in with him I found emails between him and that girl and from what I can gather she was upset about him spending so much time and effort at his business and not as much time with her. His best buddy and his wife had set him up with her (which we are still really good friends with) and they have told me that she had turned extremely needy and after they broke things up she had started rumors of crap.
Right now I am stuck with him until I get back on my feet financially- after moving out of state with him even tho our agreement was that I wouldnt have to work I quickly realized that the bills that were under my name/credit were not getting paid so I scrambled to get a job but I wasnt making anywhere close to the money I had made before. So until I get caught up on the bills that have accrued I am pretty much screwed on trying to make do on my own.

Blonddeee · 08-20-2009, 11:18 AM

Coming from someone that is almost out of a sexless marriage- it won't get better if you get married... leave now- SOOOO much easier then wasting anymore time with him- how are you going to have kids if you don't have sex?? My ex wanted kids too... ummm... I didn't have the heart to explain to him how babies are made.
You love him, but he's lied in the past and trust is very important in a marriage and if you are having all these doubts before marriage- don't do it- divorce is awful. Talk to him about your issues, you don't have to be mean and hurtful, you can leave on as good of terms as possible...