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My wife was a prostitute.

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69K views 53 replies 24 participants last post by  The 13th_Floor 
#1 ·
Please help. My wife was a prostitute from the age of 17 teen to about 20. I met her when she started working at a company where I was the manager. She turned 21 a few months after we started dating. I however didn't find out about her past until about a year and a half later. By this time I was deeply in love with her. When I found out about her past, I was not upset. In fact I found it extremly exciting. The thought of all those other men paying for what I was getting for free mad me feel....well let's just say my ego got a real boost!
Now that the background is out of the way let's get to the problem. She has turned 37 this year and for the last couple of years she has lost intrest in sex. Now I am wondering if she is all sex out becouse she had sooo much sex when she was younger or maybe she has lost intrest in sex with me,or may she is getting it better from somewhere else. I don't know what to think. Please help.:(
 
#2 ·
No, she is not all "sexed-out" because of so much sex in her life YEARS ago.

I think it is wonderful that you have loved a woman who fell into prostitution and have been married to her for a long time. I find it rather sweet and you must be quite a husband, you speak so loving of her.

Now, as far as the sex. She is 37. Perimenopause begins around age 35 for many women. Menopause lasts a long time and is gradual. I would suggest you learn more about it, as it is complex and husbands need to understand so they don't feel like they are not loved or something is "wrong" with their wife.

If it is perimenopause, you will need to be very supportive and your sex life may change, but it does not need to halt by any means.

Do you have children? Stressors for her? Other issues going on?
 
#3 ·
Yes, we have three boys and you are right I do love her very much. But it is difficult to want sex and know that you can't have it. Just the other nite I asked her for sex and she told me that she would bend over and let me "do my business". This is how she told me that she dealt with her clients and I lost all intrest. I felt like she was treating me like some "John" off the street.
 
#11 ·
I'm sorry that you felt that way when she offered it. With her background that makes the statement totally different than when other wives say that to their husbands (I'm pretty sure it's happened to most). If she's not interested in sex it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe she's dealing with her past and it's affecting that part of your relationship (as it should seeing as sex used to be a job and a painful one a that). A lot of people bury what they're feeling for a long long time. Eventually they'll deal with it and maybe she is now. It could be really hard for her to talk about it too. Space may be the biggest thing she needs, but I don't think it would be unfair for you to ask if that's what she needs or if it's something else.
 
#4 ·
have you tried just being more affectionate with her? and not in a way where she thinks your trying to get some. hold her hand, give her massages, hug her, cuddle with her, etc. i love when my husband does that and it makes me appreciate him so much. when he doesn't do any of those things i feel like he is being distant and when he all of a sudden wants to get intimate i make an excuse not to because i feel that's the only time he wants to be close to me. my husband asks for sex too and i think it's silly. i don't want my husband to have to ask for it, i want him to "persuade" me into wanting it.
 
#6 ·
john, that seems to be the overwhelming mentality of women. "make me want something that i enjoy", "work for it and you might just get it", they fully understand the power they have and i fully believe that they use it whether they mean to or not.

unfortunately, that is nature.
 
#8 ·
The issue is: women don't want to be treated like a receptacle for a bodily function needing to be fulfilled.

If you have the urge for getting your bodily function off just take care of it with five fingered Frank for heaven sakes.

If you have the urge for a more difficult connection of the sensitive, mind to mind, love and caring contact TYPE, act like it and you will get laid.

Women have the URGE which mimics men, when they ovulate. Figure out when your wife's ovulation cycle is and work around that if you just want raw sex and she will be willing. Any other time it is going to take some wooing BECAUSE either she isn'tfeeling very loving toward you (frustrated with you or resentful) or she is just plain TIRED.

It ISN'T rocket science, but it is the way it is.

Some men out there think we women LIKE the moods from outerspace...NOT. It isn't EASY dealing with hormones up and down and sideways....and you add SOME men on top of all that who can't think with anything but their little brain and anger, well, it just :mad: me off that some people just can't figure it out! Men sometimes just don't want to go to the trouble and women can see that a MILE away!

LOOK AT THE CALENDAR!!!!!!!
:confused::confused::confused::confused:
 
#12 ·
um, whoa. sex isn't supposed to be a bargaining chip and it isn't supposed to be something that has to be worked for. yep, it dies down after a while with the same person but that's why there's all kinds of crazy sex stuff that can be brought in. If you don't want sex, you don't want it. If you do, you do. Asking for sex.. I hate when my H does that. he never did it before so why now?

Also guys, it's not that we need persuaded. Think back on your relationships in the beginning. I know in mine, it was so heated it took hardly a look from me and he came running. Now, it takes a bit more. I don't need to be persuaded but one of the things that made the sex early on so amazing was feeling that desired by him. Feeling desired is huge and when we're asked for it, it doesn't so much feel like we're being desired as it is that we're the only toy you're allowed to play with anymore.
 
#10 · (Edited)
sandy, if you like sex why do you let all those things get in the way? do hormones affect your ability to control your desires?

why did it once not matter what time of the month it was, sex was desired and sought after (was it just to secure a husband)?

and for the umpteenth time, why must the man work so hard for something that he may or may not get and that benefits both parties so immensely? i swear it appears that what i have always suspected is true, the female parts are used by their owners as bargaining goods. unfortunately it gets to the point where the juice isnt worth the squeeze and the woman has overused her power, and things go downhill from there.

if women would do more thinking with their naughtie bits, and less thinking with their overused and incredibly complicated top knot, they could get whatever they wanted from their husbands. i know a few women like this and their husbands are complete mush around them.
 
#15 · (Edited)
I think my wifes past is deffinetly effecting our relationship. If you read my firt post you will find that I did not care about her past. I have loved her for a long time now and I have given her all of me. I have tryed to be the kind of husband that I thought women wanted. Maybe that was my mistake for thinking that I knew what a woman wanted. After all, I am just a man. I'm not GOD, and only he knowes what women want. All I know is that at this point I have lost faith in my marriage and that can't be a good thing. Sex is just a beginning (or rather the lack of sex)what's next.....communication....infidelity? It all seems so hopless:confused:
 
#16 ·
just a thought...have you sat down eye to eye and talked to her about this? Really talked....not just about the sex...but why she isn't in the mood? If so....were you able to get an answer? If you care enough about her and truely love her (which it seems you do)...then just tell her how you feel....how you worry and find out from her what it going on.

You can read from her reactions and her responses what she might not say....if it is the past or if it is the hormones. And you know what....there may be a time when your sex drive deminishes for a while.....it can happen to men too....for different reasons.

What ever the reason...don't be afraid to talk to her. lack of communication is the BIG killer in marriages.....along with lack of understanding ....lack of trust and lack of intimacy..both physical and emotional. Don't assume anything....talk to her until you get to the root of the problem...no matter how long it takes or how many times you have to do it...but do it with love....that way she'll know that she can trust you with whatever it is.

Marriage is work all the time...and intimacy is part of marriage. So....by association...intimacy DOES take work at some point. That is the differency between successful marriages and ones that go down the toilet.

Good luck.....really.
 
#18 ·
I find it sad that there is so much bitterness surrounding the subject of sex in a marriage. I don't think tattoomommy was condoning cheating OR was she saying that sex should be held out as a bargaining chip...by EITHER party.
Nothingman, I get that you are pretty irritable given the state of your sex life, but geeze, the generalizations about women "Only a woman would think that a man prefers masturbation to the real thing" and whatnot... your "tone" often makes it appear like you have a VERY low opinion of women. I'm guessing thats not the case, but just your current situation clouding your thinking.
I can't complain about my sex life one single bit. But, neither of us use it as a weapon, I don't deny him and he does not deny me...and we both are fulfilled enough that if one of us is too tired at the end of the day, its no biggie. We've had a plethora of other problems in our relationship to work through, and we have, thank goodness, but the sexual aspects of it, were never an issue.

To the OP, given her past it really sounds like she is having a hard time coming to terms with her previous occupation. it may not have bothered her as much when she was younger, but now that she is getting a bit older (and wiser, i'm sure) it may be very hard for her to face herself and her past. Would she consider talking to a therapist about her issues?
 
#23 ·
Feeling desired IS huge. But that goes both ways. Men want to feel desired by their wives too. Sometimes asking for sex is that bit of insecurity rising up and trying to see if 'she still wants me'.

When it is the man always doing the pursuing, there is that little devil on his shoulder saying "She's just saying yes to shut you up...it's pity sex, dude".

A lot of us here are in unbalanced relationships sexually. Whether men or women, we have the misfortune of desiring our partners, and not feeling that desire returned. Yes...it stinks. Whether you are a man or a woman.

For the OP...it is very tough to say what is going on. It could be her past haunting her, it could be something in your relationship that has built up over time. The way she snapped at you like that might have been a bad day. Did you tell her how it made you feel? Did she ever apologize for putting it to you that way? Have you broached the subject of therapy? Or couple's counseling, yet?

Don't "chicken little" yet. The sex issue can be worked on, and it doesn't have to lead to the worst.
 
#25 ·
Sex is imbalanced. Guys persue, gals entice. Yes as a guy I get tired of persueing sometimes, but that doesn't mean my wife is gonna start persueing me. I have tried to get her do do that and her attempts are laughable, no seriously, so funny I bust out laughing as she has no clue how to do my job, and frankly I have no clue how to do hers. I cant just sit back and watch her jump through hoops for me the way I do for her. I totally understand both Nothingman and Sandy, he doesn't want to feel like a turtle chasing a carrot and she doesn't want to be a blowup doll with a heartbeat.

The fact is that the effort a man puts into the persuit is the attention a woman needs to not feel like an object. If a guy no longer feels like he should have to persue its almost gaurenteed that his woman will feel like she no longer has to give it up, and then things go down hill. There is no balance, what is the other option? There is none, if you find someone new guess what? If you are a guy you are still persueing, if you are a woman you are still enticing, the play is still the same, you are still typecast, only the supporting cast has changed. So neither camp gets pity from me. Suck it up Mark Hammil you are gonna be Luke Skywalker the rest of your life. Is this defeat? I thought so for a bit until I got a taste of the alternative. Now I think that initiating and giving her a little persuit is not asking much in exchange for a healthy marriage where everyone is comfortable in thier roles. Marriage takes work, it takes work on day 1 and on day 5000, if you want it to be easy get ready to be single.

Ok now I'm gonna be a hard ass on the OP. I think her past still bugs you, not her. Its totally normal for a couple to go through drier spells in terms of sex, and there is nothing unique about your woman except for what you want to blame it on. I am fairly sure she doesn't want to be reminded of it and your asking if that is the reason will only turn her off to you and sex more.

So what is the correct course of action. Close your eyes and imagine if you were just meeting you wife for the first time. How would you act? What effort would you be willing to put into getting her attention? How closely would you listen to what she had to say about what was going on in her life? Be the man you were then. Being in a relationship changes us, but not the kind of people we are attracted to, so sometimes we must look back to who we were then to rekindle the spark that we want to feel again. Try that with all your heart befor therapy, its alot cheaper.
 
#28 ·
If your not getting the desired result even though you are earnestly trying, and trying stuff that always used to work, then of course there are deeper problems at hand. I'd have to say that if your wife is shooting you down like a stranger at the bar then you need to put sex aside for a while and find out what is bugging her. She probly needs to talk and have you understand how she is feeling, not necessarily solve her problem, just listen to what is going on with her.

If she wont talk or open up to you then you are really in big trouble, and you need to do something to help her with whatever it is she is dealing with. Make dinner for her, clean the house, buy her flowers for no reason, show her that you want her to be able to relax, then get out of her hair until she invites you in. If all this fails I would get in her face and tell her if she dont change her act and at least tell you whats wrong your gonna find someone else to spoil.
 
#31 ·
Thanks guys for all the opinions and great advice and NOT so great advice. But I think DownButNotOut hit the nail on the head. I have always been a very affectionate person and have always put my heart on the line. I desire my wife like crazy but she never seems to desire me. I guess what i am trying to say is I want her to want me the way that I want her]. Is that too much to ask for? Is that beyond consideration? If so.....then why marry me? Why waste any more time in this marriage. Maybe I should find a prostitute of my own and start paying for sex. But this doesn't help me with the fact that I can't see myself with anyone but my wife. Ironic isn't it? I married a prostitute, now I am considering paying for another one!!!!!!
 
#45 · (Edited)
...I desire my wife like crazy but she never seems to desire me. I guess what i am trying to say is I want her to want me the way that I want her. Is that too much to ask for? Is that beyond consideration? If so.....then why marry me? Why waste any more time in this marriage. Maybe I should find a prostitute of my own and start paying for sex. But this doesn't help me with the fact that I can't see myself with anyone but my wife. Ironic isn't it? I married a prostitute, now I am considering paying for another one!!!!!!
Unique to your situation verses a lot of us is your wife's experience level with men. Some women of less, or no pre-marital, experience have an ideal shattered when they come to understand how raw their man's impulses can be. Its a phase of counciling you'll get to skip ;) You being on the opposite end of this spectrum, have someone whose convictions about this could run the gamit, but she should understand your needs even if she isn't always in the game anymore. 37 isn't too young to start seeing some fade in sexual appetite and that could be a totally seperate trajectory of things. You need to communicate. I had a tough time recently using my own words to express my needs for sex to feel connected in my marriage, let alone with people in general. She needed to know intimacy suffers on the other end, even if she can maintain it with dramatically less sex. I can't and I'm not alone. Heck, even the need for sleep is justification for an occassional gimme if two in a relationship love each other.
 
#32 · (Edited)
Hi 1standingout,
Myself James Smith from NY.
I work as an associate editor of website Trustpharma.com. I am committed to provide visitors with complete information on men's health and sexual health issues related to sex, and news in the pharmaceutical sector.

I Understand Your Problem and I have found solution on it.Just Follow the Below some important Tips For Getting Women's in Mood for Sex?

I hope Its Very Helpful for You.So Follow it and Enjoy your Sexual Life:

Men always think that women don’t like sex, but this is absolutely wrong. Please understand that women are also human beings and they also enjoy the sex equally. The only difference is that they are little bit shy and take a time to get in the mood for sex.So, to help my all guy friend here are the tips to get women in mood for sex:

1. Set the mood. Women are very much oriented towards the way you approach for sex. So, arrange a candle light dinner for two at your house. Play a soft music in background or the music she likes. Ask her for the dance.

2. Give special time to her. Remember to give a separate time to her every day, just two of you and no one else. But, please don’t initiate sex directly when you both are alone.Give chance to herself for initiating sex.

3.Tease her during the whole day about her body shapes and her assets. This may turn out to be in night of passion. Remember that you are not hurting her.

4.Dirty talks are great way to get your women in the mood. But, before you start the dirty talks please make it sure that she is comfortable with it. Once she is ok with the sexual communication then you can surely go for it.

5. Try to make her feel desired, show her that she is the most important part of your like. Women feels extremely pleasured when men give importance to them. Give your entire attention to her.

6. Compliment her, try to compliment her on the way she dresses or the way she deals in relationship. This will make her feel that you are paying attention towards her.

7. Keep her mood happy. When women are happy with you they will do whatever you want. Try to keep your women in a happy mood before you want to ask her for sex.

8.Touch her. Perfect touch can turn even the most uninterested women get involved in the sex. Spend time kissing her, caressing the neck, arms and legs, and then move onto the more sexual areas.

So, this way you can get your ladylove in the mood for sex. Please be little patient because women are really slow in this matter.

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James Smith,NY
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#34 ·
Maybe I just don't THINK like a woman very much, but honestly, there are MANY times when I want sex with my H simply because I WANT SEX. I don't need the flowery words, the flattery, the "mood to be set"...I'm not trying to live in a romance novel for Pete's sake. I simply want to get lucky with my husband. If I have those urges, whats so wrong with him feeling the same?
 
#35 ·
I don't think there's anything wrong with him feeling the same way at all. I know he gets frustrated with me because he feels like doing it ALL THE TIME. honestly, i can't think of a time when he's not in the mood. I think it's completely normal and sometimes it makes me laugh (with him, not ever at him). he always says if you ever want it, you can stop me in the middle of anything and I'm game! So, the only problem is that he's always ON and I'm not. So it's when we "miss" that it's frustrating. Then I just feel really guilty when I'm not in the mood- not that often, but still :(
 
#36 ·
See, i'm the "you can stop me in the middle of whatever, wake me up..." and I'm game girl. I keep threatening him with the "wait till I hit that mid-30's peak they talk about" and he's terrified!LMAO! Really, tattoomommy, don't worry so much about when your "on times" don't coencide...make a point of making the MOST of them when they do. Your little one is a lot younger than our youngest, who just turned 2. Once they get around 18 months, life settles down a bit, and i'm betting your moods will coencide more.
 
#39 ·
Lost, the point is it is a two way street. More...there is a divider between the lanes because men and women are different.

And both sides need to give to make it work. If one says "I can't have sex with you until I feel connected", and the other says "I can't feel connected until we're having sex", and neither budges from that stance, then where does it leave both of them?

There is something to be said for actions beget feelings. For both parties.

From the OP, the way he said his wife responded to his advance was in a way that struck directly at his insecurities. Maybe she meant to hurt him, maybe she didn't. But the end result is the same. Afterward, he feels that she views sex with him as a chore. With her past, the feeling is probably even more acute. I doubt he would feel any different if her response had been "Well, there's your hand..use that".

Is it really so bad to want to make love to the woman you married? Really? Is it really so bad to hear that the man you chose to marry wants to have sex with you?

Even if there are problems in the marriage, a mean spirited response can only make things worse. And I place "just take care of it with five fingered Frank for heaven sakes." firmly in the mean spirited camp.
 
#40 ·
How can there be a connection when there is not enough communication. The relationship of the OP and so many others seem like they are filled with things they just cannot say to each other anymore. I know that feeling, I have it with my father. My sisters and I do say what we need to to each other but with our father we just cannot say what we really feel for fear it would destroy any possible future relationship with him, that he would just up and disappear again. I think that is the feeling eminating from so many of these posts, I think that is the seed affairs start from. People desperately want to tell someone about thier problems, but they cant bear to tell the person at the center of the problem, so they open up to a stranger and end up connecting deeply where they never intended to. Then over time the situation repeats itsself. I have to give my wife's big mouth the credit for saving our relationship from that. She talks to a fault and gets people to reveal stuff in amazing fashion.

Is this right, that unspoken, uncommunicated pain seeps out and contaminates first the sex, then all other parts of a relationship?
 
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