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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-31-2009, 10:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

[QUOTE=Blonddeee;81143]Try making her bed exciting... new sheets or maybe a sleepover with her friends...

Great idea - yea get that kid out of the bed - that is not healthy for either you parents or the child.
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Old 08-31-2009, 12:32 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

Sometimes showing the absurdity of a situation can open someone's eyes.

Tell her that you now see the wisdom of the whole family sleeping in the same bed.

Invite your mom to join in. Have her come over, turn on her favorite church show and start crocheting on her corner of the bed.

If your wife objects, just tell her a family shows it's love by all sleeping in the bed.

If she still objects, ask her if maybe we're ALL mistaken about this bedsharing.

Last edited by michzz; 08-31-2009 at 12:59 PM.
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Old 01-09-2010, 09:12 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: 13 years with kids in bed

Four months later no change dispite the effort put forth getting close to making the final call on this deal.
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Old 01-09-2010, 09:55 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

All I can say is that as a man, having children in the bed as a regular thing is completely intolerable. I'm married to have a sexual relationship with my wife, kids in the bed make that impossible. Therefore, there's no point being married.

Frame the ultimatum carefully, and make the steps towards divorce measured and clearly explained. As the consequences come into view more clearly, she may yet comply. But it seems a low probablity.
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Old 01-11-2010, 08:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

ok I have another point of view here.

First of all, a litle background. My wife is Thai. In Thai culture, as in many societies, co-sleeping is the mainstream.

I admit that I had the american mindset at first...kids need to be in their own room. As many of you have said.

After discussion though, I did see my wife's point. Lock the doors on your kids and when they get older they will lock the doors on you.

Yes, I have gone down the road of looking for EA and PA. I did not actually cross that line, but admittedly, I was ready to. Did the family bed play a part?--maybe.

I have a friend, Latino, who also co-sleeps. He tells me how wonderful it is to cuddle his children to sleep. The girls' rooms are beuatifully made up, but they do not sleep there. He seems to have a great relationship with his wife.

50% of american marriages end in divorce, and we typically do not co-sleep.

Do a survey of many american's and you will find people estranged from siblings, estranged from parents. This is unheard of in Thailand.

Recently things have improved in my marriage somewhat. Sex is nightly. We sneak off to another room or we get creative. The only downside is that I am so tired now.

I would like to refer you to Dr. Sears work on atachment parenting. There are some longitudinal studies about the benefits.

Ferber came out and apologized. He stated that he did not intend for kids to be left to cry alone. There may have been harm there.

All I am saying here is not to judge to harshly. Do what feels right for your family. One day my daughter and son will say--"I want my own room".

These are just thoughts from another point of view.
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Old 01-11-2010, 10:56 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: 13 years with kids in bed

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Four months later no change dispite the effort put forth getting close to making the final call on this deal.
You are having much bigger issues than this child.

The problem here is not the child, it is your resentment to your woman.

You are resenting your woman for putting the child in the bed and keeping her there killing the sex opportunity.

Instead of resenting your woman for this, you should have been the man to insist this was corrected years ago. Your wife may not even realize this outright, but inside her she is feeling if she was important enough to you, you would have been the man enough to have fixed this.

Now your woman is thinking you are not attracted to her, and she is right. This is further motivating her to NOT remove the child, because the child is a good excuse not to confront the real issue.

To fix this, be the man to kill the resentment in yourself to your woman by doing what you need to do, that is insist the child is put properly in her own sleeping space.

When you do this, your woman will realize she is important enough to you for your to stand and be the man, and this will light a blazing fire of attraction toward you.

I wish you well.
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Old 03-16-2010, 02:31 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

Thanks all for the responses it helps me to gain better insite to my marriage. Still in the bed but got super creative on the relationship.My family is more important than my sex drive.

Please continue the comments they really help Thanks
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Old 03-18-2010, 08:52 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

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Originally Posted by poets't heart View Post
ok I have another point of view here.

First of all, a litle background. My wife is Thai. In Thai culture, as in many societies, co-sleeping is the mainstream.

I admit that I had the american mindset at first...kids need to be in their own room. As many of you have said.

After discussion though, I did see my wife's point. Lock the doors on your kids and when they get older they will lock the doors on you.

Yes, I have gone down the road of looking for EA and PA. I did not actually cross that line, but admittedly, I was ready to. Did the family bed play a part?--maybe.

I have a friend, Latino, who also co-sleeps. He tells me how wonderful it is to cuddle his children to sleep. The girls' rooms are beuatifully made up, but they do not sleep there. He seems to have a great relationship with his wife.

50% of american marriages end in divorce, and we typically do not co-sleep.

Do a survey of many american's and you will find people estranged from siblings, estranged from parents. This is unheard of in Thailand.

Recently things have improved in my marriage somewhat. Sex is nightly. We sneak off to another room or we get creative. The only downside is that I am so tired now.

I would like to refer you to Dr. Sears work on atachment parenting. There are some longitudinal studies about the benefits.

Ferber came out and apologized. He stated that he did not intend for kids to be left to cry alone. There may have been harm there.

All I am saying here is not to judge to harshly. Do what feels right for your family. One day my daughter and son will say--"I want my own room".

These are just thoughts from another point of view.
I am an attachment parent and co-sleep and think it's wonderful and that the studies really support the long term benefits despite the typical American ideal.... but 8 years old seems old to still be in the bed. What age did the older children leave the bed? It is good to make sure that this is being done for the children's benefit not the parent's, once it's the parent's, time to switch it.


Now with cosleeping.. I think it's more important to be creative... other rooms, etc... but that's harder with an 8 year old than a one year old! Do you guys have a weekly date night? You should try... babysitters should be pretty easy to come by (and vet first of course) at that age.
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:20 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

Ive known people that have had up to 2 of thier kids in their bed at night. Ive never understood this (exception being that there are not enough beds). This sort of thing doesnt really do the kid any favors (creates dependency) and stiffles the bedroom activity for the couple.

If I were you....id say its time to "ween" this behavior now


and to those that say that "co-sleeping strengthens the bondwith the child for life"....well it may...but if thats what you need to strengthen the bond with your child...then you may want to evaluate what sort of parenting you do when they are awake.

other cultures in the world (non US) do this because...1) there are not enough rooms/beds in a household 2) people tend to live as extended families due to economic purposes/cultural social structure 3) elder generations (parents/grandparents) need to create that "bond of dependency" because it is expected that the younger/working generation will care for the elder ones (that may be where the idea of "creating that bond via co-sleeping" comes from)

Last edited by Brettscout; 03-23-2010 at 10:31 AM.
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Old 03-26-2011, 04:28 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: 14 years with kids in bed

oh well and it still goes on
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Old 03-26-2011, 08:05 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

My wife resolutely refused to change this kind of behavior as well with our youngest who slept in the bed till he was 9. I simply slept elsewhere. Since she announced when he was born she would never have sex again it was no loss either way. My son moved back to his room on his own. He's the most well adjusted of all his sibs fwiw.
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Old 03-26-2011, 10:26 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

Obviously you can't sleep in the same bed as your daugther. You're just a phone call away from a lifetime of jail.
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Old 08-14-2011, 08:31 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Well the story goes on and now I feel that the only way to control this problem is to control myself. So I find ways to program myself to not think about sex or even closeness because of the already stressed issues I have in everyday living. My sex drive is down to zero I have no problems with it anymore. I have effectively shutdown my libido to presevre my sanity. Trying to sleep in a bed with a now 10 year old is crazy the other bedroom is where I houch at. My SO wonders why I don't take advantage of every available moment to engage and it i because I have shutdown and learned to function on a different level. I don't need a sex drive around mr daughter I can't have a sex drive around my daughter that's not thinkable.

We love each other and been together for 26 years sooooo I guess this will work its way out like all the challenges we've lived through.
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Old 08-14-2011, 08:47 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
All I can say is that as a man, having children in the bed as a regular thing is completely intolerable. I'm married to have a sexual relationship with my wife, kids in the bed make that impossible. Therefore, there's no point being married.

Frame the ultimatum carefully, and make the steps towards divorce measured and clearly explained. As the consequences come into view more clearly, she may yet comply. But it seems a low probablity.
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Old 08-14-2011, 08:52 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: 12 years with kids in bed

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Originally Posted by 4oneone View Post
Well the story goes on and now I feel that the only way to control this problem is to control myself. So I find ways to program myself to not think about sex or even closeness because of the already stressed issues I have in everyday living. My sex drive is down to zero I have no problems with it anymore. I have effectively shutdown my libido to presevre my sanity. Trying to sleep in a bed with a now 10 year old is crazy the other bedroom is where I houch at. My SO wonders why I don't take advantage of every available moment to engage and it i because I have shutdown and learned to function on a different level. I don't need a sex drive around mr daughter I can't have a sex drive around my daughter that's not thinkable.

We love each other and been together for 26 years sooooo I guess this will work its way out like all the challenges we've lived through.
Why you have put up with this is beyond me. It actually will impact the sex lives of your children in a negative way later on in life.

You have lost out on half of your marriage. UFB.

You are supposed to be making mad passionate love to your wife.

You are supposed to be setting an example for your children on a what a good marriage is about. They are learning very bad things from this. They will have trouble in their future relationships. In my opinion this is actually a subtle form of child abuse. It is certainly spousal abuse. Your wife has issues for insisting on this and you have issues for allowing it. You were supposed to man up and take charge of your marital bed. Now you should indeed be showing affection and a sexual desire for your wife in front of your children. I agree you should not be banging your wife with the ten year old in your bed. That is deviant behavior and child abuse in my opinion.

Ultimately this is on you for not taking a stand and telling her this was unacceptable. An Alpha male would not be disrespected in this way. He would be the father of his children and the lover of his wife.

It will be a real insult to find out that because you would not man up and take charge and not have a real sexual relationship with your wife that she ends up in an affair with another man. I would be worried about that since you are not providing that with your wife.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 08-14-2011 at 10:58 PM.
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